* / ℂℍ𝔸𝕆𝕋𝕀ℂ.

@cfcasis​ 

     TAE’S DAYS WERE BECOMING LONGER, he hadn’t slept in five days straight. he doesn’t know if that’s involving everything going or the fact that his body’s getting used to having no medication because he flushed it all. a frown tugs at his lips as he lays on the floor just next to his bed. it’s becoming an increasingly alarming thing for him to do. just lay on the floor. his bed doesn’t make him comfortable right now, nothing does. minnie’s bed might, but then again, why would min want him in his bed ? the thought makes him tear up and he starts to get emotional without even trying too. but he needs to get up because he needs to shower, and probably go practice, maybe not in that order. because he hasn’t practiced today and he knows he needs to do it. even if he is alone when he does it. once up and out of his room,    he rubs his overly tired eyes as he pushes the door to the bathroom open. at first tae doesnt see him. until he does and his doe eyes go as wide as saucers. “ minnie what the fuck are you doing ? ! “ he cries rushing at him to try and grab at him. 

sikyung cocked her head to the side, eyes narrowing at him in annoyance. what was with these boy group members and thinking they knew what they were doing in here, anyway? she was so frustrated with these idol rappers coming around and pretending like they knew how to produce tracks– especially when they were in her studio. 

stubborn as she always was, she stayed in the doorway, arms crossed over her chest. “please,” she replied scathingly. “you don’t need a studio to dick around on garage band. you can do that anywhere. now hurry along.”

    he doesn’t know how to argue what’s being said ; he can’t think of words that he knows will make him understand he isn’t a burden to them.  to him.  things wouldn’t be better if he was gone,  he knows that much for sure.  cheol isn’t sure how he’d respond to the loss of a friend ; probably in the same manner he’d responded to losing his parents when he first became a trainee.  he’s quiet,  his head shakes,  fingers still picking at the hem of his sweats.  he listens ; listens without prejudice,  without jumping to scold.  listens because it’s what he does,  what he’s good at,  what he’s done for years and will probably do for many more.  just listens,  quietly picking at any of the fabric of his sweatpants,  the more he hears his side.  because he remembers talking to taesong about it,  even if he wasn’t entirely clear headed.  he remembers the important things,  always does,  no matter how gone he is. 

“i know it was you.”   he starts,  still lacking in judgement.  it’s a specialty,  really.   “we talked about it.  you.  everything.  s’all a bit hazy,  but i know.”   he chews at the inside of his mouth,  swallows hard and keeps his gaze off of him,  an attempt at not being too much for min to deal with.  an attempt to ensure he doesn’t feel attacked by anything he does say.   “actions have consequences,  minnie.  every action comes with a consequence and … you have to deal with it,  but you’re not.”   at least,  that’s the impression he’s getting from the words he’s saying.  he’s still not looking at him,  still has his eyes firmly on his hands fiddling with fabric like it’s the only thing that’s keeping him calm.  maybe it is.   “i can’t say you’re worthy of him.  can’t say you’re not.  i don’t know what you are for each other beyond what i … see and hear.  what i do know is you don’t,  you don’t push people that love you.  you do better.”   big talk from a man who’s never had a kiss,  successful crush,  relationship.  but he knows from what he’s seen of his parents and grandparents.   “just  —–  if he’s not the only one you love,  sort through that.  don’t lead him on.  don’t leave him high and dry,  either.  neither of you deserve to feel like shit.  neither of you deserve to feel like you’re not loveable,  because fucks sake,  i love both of you and it’s not fair to either of you.”

ɴᴏᴛ ʀɪɢʜᴛ ɴᴏᴡ. right now all min wants is the world to fall into silence, even if it is silence kind words and reassurance. because everyone who knew was treating him like he was an enemy and wasn't considering he was also hurting. but he understood —— all that mattered at the moment was taesong. even if he wasn't meaning, cheol had chosen his side —— it was so well delined, he didn't even asked him what was wrong; he simply cornered him at his lowest and took him to confess what he did. but what has he done ? all that taesong heard was what he used to do. it wasn't the now. and that's what people didn't seem to understand; he changed. his heart had changed, his heart was only taesong's. because in that whole situation, he hadn't spoken to kai or hanbin or anyone else. he was alone. he felt alone. it was ridiculous how he felt, in reality; after all, he had done it at himself. a soft string of chuckles slowly left his lips, a clear sign of his insanity finally showing as he turned on the seat enough to bring his knees to his chest and wrapped himself, just to escape the whole situation for a few moments. he was trying to stay strong because he knew everyone was right, but the more people picked on him, the more shattered he felt.

𝐂𝐋𝐎𝐒𝐄𝐃 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 @cfcasis

.・゜-: ✧ :- 𝐈𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐍𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐀 𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐃 𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐀; regardless, kibum finds himself leaning against the frame of the bed, head leaning back with a euphoric feeling washing through within him. it was a terrible habit, for one should never depend on such a thing, especially in korea as an idol. nonetheless, kibum never listens. having gone through a lot as of recent, a moment as so was necessary to clear his mind of the troubles. he was at ease … at peace. taking a deep breath, he turns over to face teamin who sat adjacent, undergoing a similar sensation. they were both lost in time. “we’re dumb … we really are.” they have both made mistakes as of recent, & they were both facing consequences. funny how the two react in similar behaviors. “my best friend is upset with you, & someone i care about a lot is also involved. i don’t really know … i think you are a good person, min. you are such a good guy,” kibum places a hand on taemin’s knee, a smile curving lips. “you just fucked up … i fucked up, too. we fucked up. what are we going to do ? ”

@cfcasis liked for a starter

rosamie was in a mood. it had been years since she’d been forcefully graduated from her group back in japan, but she still missed them. as much as she adored it at solar and loved eclipse, there would always be part of her that wished her time with her old group could have gone on longer. curled up around her phone, she watched video after video– old songs, old live stages, old interviews….. dance practices, her debut with her units, the first time she’d been able to use her vocals on a track……… and her goodbye stage. she hadn’t even noticed the tears that had begun to stream down her face as she sat in the solar common area, curled around her phone.

@cfcasis liked for a starter

sikyung was stubborn. while she didn’t officially have a studio that was hers, there was one recording studio in question that she’d decided when she first joined solar was hers. all of the equipment was tuned to her preferences. she’d recorded all of her songs since debuting in there. she spent countless hours in there every day. by all intents and purposes, it was her studio.

which made it so absolutely jarring to open the door and see someone else there.

scowling, she looked at the intruder through narrow eyes. “time’s up. unless you want to get ejected, i’d scurry on out of here.”

taemin: dON'T

me: relax, it's probably not even possible

taemin:

me:

taemin:

cheol's mun: ah ah ah is that a challenge

me: no

    “not a competition.  you’re allowed to need people,  too.”   his concern is,  always was,  with his friends.  his primary concern does lay with taesong ; they joined roughly the same time,  they’d been connected by an array of things.  but he has enough of him to worry,  to care,  to be there for the man he’s with now,  too.  there’s a excess of love he has to give ; he’ll be damned if he doesn’t make it known he’s got it.  they are what he cares about  —–  they are the ones who need it right now. 

he sits on a table in the room instead of a chair,  mostly because he gets a clearer look at min with the height.  cheol senses something in his tone,  but he can’t place what it is,  decides it won’t do him any good to overthink right now.  he’ll do it when he’s alone,  like he does most things.   “went well.  thinking about making it up to him soon since i clocked out,  though.”   he shrugs,  fingers playing with the hem of his sweats.  he’s quiet,  somewhat unnatural for him when he’s with people.  but he manages it,  because it feels like the time to be quiet.  brows are furrowed,  concern on his features.  crying is natural,  he knows this.  but he still worries,  unwilling to let him be a casualty of the war within himself or the world around him.   “fuck deserving to be around us.  aren’t we the ones who should dictate if you’re worthy?”   his tone is aggressive,  blinking and looking away from his friend for a moment.   “people love you.  disappearing hurts them too,  you know.”

quiet again,  composing himself.  he doesn’t know if he should answer the question with a truth or a lie.  he’ll settle for something in between.   “not great.  i don’t like seeing him like that and i’m … really mad that someone did that to him.”   that his friend did,  but he’s not confrontational and never will be,   “but i’m gonna do with him the same i’m doing here.  i’m going to try to help however i can because neither of you deserve to look or sound or feel  —  like that.  like this.”

             ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘʀᴏꜰᴏᴜɴᴅ ʜᴀᴛᴇ ꜰᴏʀ ꜱɪᴛᴜᴀᴛɪᴏɴꜱ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛʜɪꜱ. he knows, and he's somewhat aware cheol knows it too —— he's the problem. and it wasn't like he didn't try to see it from different points of view; everything resumed to him being the problem " —— i know. " he mumbles, letting himself lean forward while focusing in hands. everything seemed more interesting thank the conversation they were about to have. and he tried to delay it, and he tried to avoid it, but there was no running anymore. it was almost like cheol was trapping him without meaning it, or maybe that was his plan all along. either way, taemin thought about; even on xanax, he couldn't stop —— the only difference was the absence of pain and anxiety that came along with it. and yet he was still restless with everything and he hated it. the turn the conversation was giving was making him uncomfortable, but did he even know how to be comfortable anymore ? cheol's aggressivity made him recoil in himself, pushing his arms to wrap around himself, fingers gripping the fabric under his arms tightly in search for comfort. he knew he didn't deserved it, but he still felt like he needed it. he was falling apart, just like taesong, but then again, his support system wavered " —— at short term, yes. but right now i'm causing more pain than good, so in long term, things would be better if i was gone. " he can't speak above mumbles, maybe because if he does he'll finally tear up and he has been doing that too much lately.

         unable to see properly, mirae was grateful that taemin had guided her to sit down. this felt serious no matter how hard she tried to pass it off as pure exhaustion. people had tried to talk to her about it but not hard enough and now she was feeling like she was going to pass out. unable to tell if her head was trobbing or whether she was just imagining it, she hunched forward so that her elbows were resting against the table and her fingers rested on her temples. if she waited long enough, it would pass and she would order a taxi to go and rest at home. it was probably best for her to call in sick tomorrow though she wasn’t sure how her manager would react to that news. as the leader, she should be the motivational one. her hands shook as she brought the glass up to her mouth; she could instantly taste that it wasn’t just water but it wasn’t going to stop her drinking a little to try and bring herself back from the unsteadiness she felt. shaking her head, she put the glass down. “i mean, i did but i was going to call a taxi.” she had been doing it all too regularly and it was costing her a fortune. she needed to sort herself out but first, she needed to learn that she didn’t have the entire world resting on her shoulders and if the group dsbanded, it was because it was their time and not due to her shortcomings. admitting that she wasn’t in control was the first step. “i’m sorry.” for the inconvenience, for almost falling when he was holding her up, mirae was sorry for a lot of things.

    he doubts the words and can’t place why ; maybe it’s the lack of sleep on his own part,  maybe it’s the hours of scrolling.  he’ll decide that later.  but they still,  despite the fact he doesn’t believe them,  make a part of him feel at ease.  maybe he’s not being a bother,  a pest,  an annoyance that just won’t take a hint like they all say on that stupid app.   “you know,  doors are always open for you.  no matter what.”   just in case he’d forgotten,  in whatever state he’s in.  cheol would always leave a door open,  a light on,  a space there if he needed someone.  something.  you don’t live this long with someone and not try to be there for them.  he nods at the explanation as he starts to walk out of the room with min behind,  a quiet  ‘oh’  slipping out of his lips.  at least he’d found the company of someone and hadn’t been alone.  that’s the important part he chooses to hang on to.  

 “that’s okay.  i,  uh.  i passed out with tae,  anyway.  i probably wouldn’t have been good company.”   he’s trying hard not to take some grain of insult at it ; they had to look out for the young ones,  that’s all it was.  they were a family.  it’s fine,  he doesn’t have to be the first one at the forefront of thoughts for him.  for anyone.  it’s fine.  he stops,  sits him at a table in one of the rooms they occasionally had lunches in when they couldn’t take breaks for longer than a few minutes,  pulling an ice pack from the freezer portion and another water from the fridge part.   “keep drinking.  did you and kiha have fun?”   he questions,  voice quiet as he places the pack very gently on the space between mins shoulder and neck.

                 ᴍɪɴ ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ ʟɪᴇ. at that moment, he should too. he wasn't sure about anything anymore but felt a strong feeling of something. something bad too, something that was making him feel guilty for some reason. but it was cheol and he would never do that on purpose. right ? he wasn't losing his mind, wasn't losing his friends, right ? his rotten soul kept misleading him to take paths he shouldn't; who was he kidding, it wasn't his soul. he was rotten. and besides knowing, and part of him wanting others to know, he didn't at the same time. a soft, nervous chuckle left his lips " —— i— there's people that need it more than me right now. and that's okay. " he didn't want to say cheol had been compromised, but he knew he had been. both him and jeon were his friends, obviously, but his mind kept telling him that taesong needed them more. he kept realizing, further and further within, he had no real friends —— pieces of a game, probably, but never true friends. or maybe that was his inscurity talking, maybe he had been alone too long. he hated this feeling. following outside of the practice room, min brushed his digits through the back of his sweater without really touching him, feeling he shouldn't. no, he shouldn't. again with the feeling of bitterness, like something was getting between them. he felt too wrong, too guilty at the moment.

             𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙚𝙮𝙚𝙨 𝙜𝙡𝙪𝙚𝙙 𝙨𝙝𝙪𝙩, not expecting he’d accept her sudden approach. it was different, getting intimate with taemin. part of her told her this wasn’t a good idea, that 𝐟𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐚𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐧 never had a happy ending for anyone. she knew about his friends with benefits, she knew that the nights when c2 wouldn’t go home with them that he was off in bed with someone else. she remembered listening to (and occasionally eavesdropping on) other idols venting about sleeping with taemin. it was a messy topic, and she had originally told herself she’d never get involved with such things. but as much as that voice at the back of her head chided her, reminding her of all the times where he’d ghost her to do god knows what, she tuned it out to the sound of his fingers rubbing against the fabric on her torso. so, with her hands wrapping around his neck and her posture adjusting to straddle, she let herself melt into him.

            she pulled away, the thought of one of her members wandering in and catching them daunting her. “if… if we’re doing this, we can’t do it here.” she pant, resting her forehead on his. “one of them, they might find us or hear us, it’d be dangerous.” she reasoned as she caressed the back of his head with her hand. she brought her head lower, lips nearly touching his neck. “unless, of course, that’s what you like,”

         ᴛʜɪꜱ ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ᴄʀᴏꜱꜱᴇᴅ ʜɪꜱ ᴍɪɴᴅ. not with chaemi. no, chaemi was his support, but not the target of his cravings. she was there to soothe his mind, stroke his hair gently like he knew friends did, so he never looked into it twice. if she was a beautiful young lady ? of course, even without those pounds of makeup female idols usually had. but never twice he thought of it. never twice he showed her he thought of it either. they were friends. and yet, that small breach of the door was enough for him to consider. yes, pouty lips pressed, gently parting as their intimicy intensified, arms pulling her closer to his body. she was warm. she was giving him that sweet touch and affection he needed. maybe this is how she wanted to reassure him today. or maybe this was just a small part of it. maybe she was laying all her emotions into this and this wasn't good. when she released him from that sweet transe for a moment, parted lips releasing the breath she had stolen, eyes staring into hers, in absolute daze " —— are you ... sure ? " and yet, lustful eyes intensified as digits gently explored under her garments, listening to her words too far away; it was like he just fell into a pool —— all he heard was far away sounds " —— no. " he denies it, he doesn't want anyone to see how he's going to love her tonight; no one should see. if he could, he would take her to his secret penthouse right that moment, but it was across town and she would lose her flame.

eyes would focus again on her features before lifting her from the sofa in his arms, wrapping her legs around his thin waist. he had been there too many times before to know exactly where to find her room. lips would find hers once more and he paced blindly through the halls towards her room, pushing the door open. the pending question between them was obvious —— was this a good idea ? throughout the night, between the smooth sheets, her skin was warm and intoxicating; it was like nothing else was there. he tried, he truly tried, to love her. that for a moment, she would forget everything and focus only on him, only on them. it became blurry at some point, where one started and the other ended. the following memory he hold is feeling his eyes opening at the radiant sun. sun ? dark eyes narrowed, digits slowly brushing naked skin before lips pressed against her naked shoulder. he didn't want to wake her up per say but something in him just loved the sensible moment of the morning. he never let himself stay long after the desire was put out, but chaemi was special —— she deserved better. his free hand would tangle gently in her hair, brushing a few strands away from her sleeping features. he lets his lips find her skin once more, pressing them in a small trail over her shoulder, chest pressing against her back gently " —— chae ... wake up. "

    the woman didn’t flinch as she felt someone hold her up. instead, she was grateful for the extra support that was keeping her from hitting the floor all too prematurely. mirae was a control freak. she liked to believe that she had control in a situation where there was very little but as soon as she was forced into going on the stage when she was physically ill, it had gone downhill from there. that moment had been a catalyst for the public’s praise as well as all her control being taken away from her. focusing on everyone else in the group, she left very little time to worry about herself and that’s how she liked it. with little strength to argue back, she let herself be guided by the other. “i’ll be fine, i just need to sit down for a minute.” a washed up idol was all too common in the industry but mirae had never thought that she’d be in the same position as many before her, the only difference was that her insecurities had hit her later on in life and accidental weight loss had been praised. “do you have any water?”