ᶳᵒ ᵐᵘᶜʰ ᵐᵒʳᵉ

         Look, I hardly have the heart in me to write this out the once             let alone go out and apologise to every single person who’s             been trying to contact me or that I’ve scared, so I’m going to             write this, I’m going to schedule it for a few more times and             then I’m done.

        Simply existing is a monumental task right now. I try not to            advertise it, but I’m sure that, at least those I talk to regularly            know that I’ve not had a great turn of things the past few            months. On wednesday they plummeted straight through rock            bottom to the underworld of bad. I’ve been bored and a little            lonely having a broken ankle, so a few friends thought it would            be lovely to take me out to a meal, chip in to pay for it, help me            out blah blah, they’re sweet people. Or were. The place we            were heading to was in the next town over so it was a twenty            minute drive after everyone was picked up.

        We were on the road out of town, it was getting late and dark            but things were nice and quiet because it was the middle of the            week and some fucking idiot didn’t have his lights on and he was            driving on the wrong fucking side of the road, straight towards us            and we would have been fine if we hadn’t met him at the one and            only bend on that road. Head on collision, car span, rolled, metal            crumpled and there was glass breaking and all I knew was that            only one person was making sounds, the one in the passenger            seat in front of me and that moment is probably the most clear            because she was coughing up a lot of blood and she was so            terrified and I had to watch her drown in it, trapped by the weight            of someone else’s body.

        The fucking idiot who hit us got off easy, couple of cuts and            bruises but otherwise unharmed and since I’m the only one            who’s survived from out car I have to go to court and hearings            and answer questions about the night and look this guy in the            face and know he’s killed four of my friends who were just            trying to be nice to me and do a good thing. I have to deal with            their families hating me, because I was the reason they were            going out, I was the only one who survived and no one will            fucking treat me like a human being or talk to me normally and            every time I so much as blink I’m remembering bits and pieces            of it all in flashes.

         Look, I hardly have the heart in me to write this out the once             let alone go out and apologise to every single person who’s             been trying to contact me or that I’ve scared, so I’m going to             write this, I’m going to schedule it for a few more times and             then I’m done.

        Simply existing is a monumental task right now. I try not to            advertise it, but I’m sure that, at least those I talk to regularly            know that I’ve not had a great turn of things the past few            months. On wednesday they plummeted straight through rock            bottom to the underworld of bad. I’ve been bored and a little            lonely having a broken ankle, so a few friends thought it would            be lovely to take me out to a meal, chip in to pay for it, help me            out blah blah, they’re sweet people. Or were. The place we            were heading to was in the next town over so it was a twenty            minute drive after everyone was picked up.

        We were on the road out of town, it was getting late and dark            but things were nice and quiet because it was the middle of the            week and some fucking idiot didn’t have his lights on and he was            driving on the wrong fucking side of the road, straight towards us            and we would have been fine if we hadn’t met him at the one and            only bend on that road. Head on collision, car span, rolled, metal            crumpled and there was glass breaking and all I knew was that            only one person was making sounds, the one in the passenger            seat in front of me and that moment is probably the most clear            because she was coughing up a lot of blood and she was so            terrified and I had to watch her drown in it, trapped by the weight            of someone else’s body.

        The fucking idiot who hit us got off easy, couple of cuts and            bruises but otherwise unharmed and since I’m the only one            who’s survived from out car I have to go to court and hearings            and answer questions about the night and look this guy in the            face and know he’s killed four of my friends who were just            trying to be nice to me and do a good thing. I have to deal with            their families hating me, because I was the reason they were            going out, I was the only one who survived and no one will            fucking treat me like a human being or talk to me normally and            every time I so much as blink I’m remembering bits and pieces            of it all in flashes.