@cerberin - Tumblr Blog

i will find the love i deserve

#there’s a guy at work that treats me so nicely i don’t know what to do in response #he’s so smart and kind and gentle #i can’t help but feel guilty every time #as if i’m reserved for a man that doesn’t even want me #a man i loved #idk i just feel conflicted #i loved so strongly and unconditionally that now i just want to be alone #but if i were to love again #he would deserve it #idk #fuck your songs #they live in my head #for what #as you said they were just songs they mean nothing

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today was really hard

#i told my parents about my scars #they both teared up when they saw them #my dad feels guilty that he didn’t know about it #that he didn’t notice #that i didn’t want to tell them #as if he did something wrong #it broke my heart #i thought i would feel better but i don’t #i feel worse #they look at me so sad now #p

been at a wedding all day and i’ve decided i want a bf next year

#how have i gone over a year with no interest in anyone #today made me realise that i do want love and waiting for someone to want me is bullshit #like?#i’ve been over the idea of us getting back together for so long but i guess that package brought up shit it didn’t need to #for no reason as well #ignited a false hope #for the 60th time this past year and a half idk #i’m over it #i want a bf #i want to love someone whole heartedly and have that back #so from the new year #i’m done with him #i can’t reply or text him anymore #i went 6 whole months #i can do 12 #and forever #it’s time to move on properly #and i’m ready for it #for some reason my heart wants to give him till the end of the year #even though i know 100x over he doesn’t want or love me #but whatever #it’s just my love for him #i have to be done with it no matter what #then jan 1st #he is not controlling another year of my hearf #t #to the new year.#i’m literally looking at real love how dare i settle for someone who doesn’t even want to be with me

25/11/24

#i found out who it was and i’m just ignoring the whole thing tbh #i text him again because i felt awful for involving him in something that wasn’t even him #idk #felt like if i told him how it ended then it wouldn’t be so embarrassing #it broke my heart again when i had proof that it wasn’t him from the company that sent it #i knew he wouldn’t do that but it didn’t stop me from wishing it was him #idkk #i hate it all #i love talking to him #it’s so painful everytime we said goodnight #i thought i would be used to it by now but it hurts just as much every time #i miss him and i wish we could talk every day again #i wish none of this ever happened #but it doesn’t change the fact that he just doesn’t feel that way about me anymore #every time we talk i hope things have changed but they never do and they never will #he knows how he feels and so do i #i still love him #i wish we could be friends but i know it would destroy me #i don’t think i’ll ever lose my love for him #there’s not a day that goes by where i don’t wish we could talk again #UGH #i just want to skip forward a few years to where i’m happy again lol #where the person i love loves me back #and wants to be with me just as much as i do them #is that really so difficult #p

godkms

what a beautiful horrible thing to feel so much

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someone sent me a random package and i ended up crying all day about it

#23/11/24 #someone sent me a love heart necklace and my sister persuaded me to check if it was him #after 6 months of no contact and thinking i was doing so well #i text him and i regret it #i know he wouldn’t send that i don’t know why i listened to her #or why my heart entertained the idea #i thought i was doing so well with getting over him. i thought i finally accepted that he just doesn’t have feelings for me anymore #that i need to let him go for good #then that stupid necklace gave me delusional hope that maybe just maybe he did still have feelings for me #he doesn’t #he played with me #he kept going back and forth on whether it was him or not until i made him promise that it wasn’t #i cried all day #i told him i hoped it was him and i feel so fucking stupid for saying anything #he didn’t say anything back #ofc he didn’t and i knew he wouldn’t #he doesn’t have feelings for me and he hasn’t for a very long time #i am nothing but a familiar conversation to him #i thought i’d accepted it and i thought i was over it but it all came crashing down and i’m back to feeling so empty and sad now we’re not #talking again #6 months gone down the drain for what #it wasn’t even him #i know i’m nothing to him #i just wish i could lose my childish ridiculous love for him #i know he doesn’t care about me or love me why the fuck do i still have these feelings for him #i’m so tired of being in pain #i just want to love someone and they love me back for real this time #i just want someone that feels the same about me that i do about them #that would do the same for me as i would for then #it just feels like i’m 14 again and i’ve spent a whole decade loving people wholeheartedly that just don’t or never did really truly love me

UGHHHHHH i was so in love with him

#i’ve been going through my tiktok bookmarks cuz hm fyp is pissing me off #i must’ve hit the time before we stopped talking #i had so many cute tiktok saved to show him #i remember not sending them and trying to space them out so he wouldn’t get overwhelmed #bc he didn’t like cute stuff or talking about feelings or w/e #i was so in love with him #he really had my whole heart #even right up until the end #idk #still feel like a huge chunk of me is gone #really ig it’s just bc i love love and i don’t have someone for that rn #but that’s ok #p

ouch

#i had a procedure today and he knew about it #but he didn’t text me to see if i was okay #like i wouldve done for him #despite us talking literally the day before #despite me trying to make his birthday special #idk #i’m just disappointed if #ig #i feel stupid for caring about him so much when he’s made it clear he doesn’t care that much about me #i really am just fun and familiar to him #thats all #literally people i’ve barely known 3 days have offered support today #and he didn’t #ik hell say he doesn’t need an excuse and it’s my fault we’re not talking blah blah #as if he ever pays attention to that when he’s drunk #as long as messaging me is for him it’s okay #just not when it’s for me #p

my mum made me cry today 😚✌🏼

#um #she randomly started drunk waffling about the personality differences between my sisters and i #i said i don’t think there’s much #then she started listing that i’m empathetic and sensitive and compassionate & thoughtful & that i care about everyone else so much #and idk #she went to bed and now i’m balling about it?#sounds stupid but it’s the nicest thing someone’s said about me in a while #and to hear it from someone so close to me #i felt seen without realising it?#idk #very possible i’m just emotional because i forgot to take my pill last night lmaooo #ALSO? just saw that ben posted on his imvu #which he’s said before they’re aimed at me #and it links to some song that’s insanely cute #but i can’t allow myself to believe that it’s actually aimed at me #i don’t think it is #but idk if he’s expecting me to see it and react some way?#i can’t react to it..#if that’s how he’s trying to tell me something then i really can’t respond #i’ve stupidly believed things that way before and ended up heartbroken #i can’t do it again #p

it was a year yesterday since he ended things & i finally feel so much better

#i was worried i was going to be sad asf all day but i wasn’t at all #i still remember how hard i cried that day #& how sad i was for months on end #i’m so fucking glad i’m past all that omfg #the hope has finally died & i just feel relieved #like i can actually move on now & not feel guilty or bad or anything #idk why i felt like that anyway cuz he left & moved on? like stop being stupid #he doesn’t deserve me to feel like that #i still have love for him but 🤷🏼‍♀️#i was so delusional the whole time i was with him #i was so sad about losing the future i thought i had with him cuz i just wanted it to be him lmao #i loved him so much smh #but looking back i was off my head i never had a future with him #not from all the back to when he told me he didn’t have money to see me and wasn’t getting a job #like 💀#what was i thinking #i used to think i could provide for us & he could stay at home with our pets #like literally why was i willing to do that #straight insane & he was undeserving of it too #he literally never put me first & i was thinking all that???#CRAZY #but tbf?#i guess it changed my goals?#i don’t want to share my future with anyone now & i’m glad i reached that point #i want my own place eventually & my own dog #a bf can be an extra plus #i have a lot of love to give but i don’t want to give it anymore tbh #it can go to myself & my dog 🥰#i wonder what i’ll be saying in a years time lmao #that everything in my life is amazing hopefully!!!

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sometimes you need to cry. all day. for no real reason and every reason at exactly the same time

#i’m never coming off the pill again #that shit clearly made me numb #and that’s what i need in this dumb fuckin life #holy hell why am i remembering everything that’s ever happened to me #why do i feel like i never want to love again #AGAIN?? i could’ve just skipped the past four years if i was meant to feel like this #i already didn’t want to love i didn’t need a whole other person to show me the exact same lesson #lol #i’ve also been crying thinking about my brothers kids going to school and possibly getting bullied #or just being sad and stressed about exams and just life!#?#shits eating me up for no reason #lmao i could never be a mother the emotional turmoil is too much

it’ll be a year soon

#i think it’s 3 weeks away?#from when we stopped talking #i’m kinda glad and sad at the same time #there’s a niggly part of me that still holds onto the 0.1% hope i have left #i know once it hits a year that it’ll be over with #i can’t let myself go back after that #i mean he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore anyway #he’s made it very clear how he feels about me and the idea of us getting back together #i guess part of me just doesn’t want to accept that it’s really all over #idk #kinda embarrassing really that i still feel so strongly for him when he literally told me he feels less for me now #and that was 6 months ago lmao #i’m probably nothing to him now #i’ve stupidly texted him a few times in the past few months and each time i felt like i was bothering him #i don’t know #i wish i felt the same about him as he does me #everything would hurt a whole lot less lol

i still adore him

#it’s so fuckin boringggggg #was going through my notes snd i found one of a list of all the cute things he did #now it just makes me sad #it’s like a list of all the things that made me fall in love with him #and now it’s a list of all the reasons i miss him #funny how life goes #also been thinking about our minecraft server a lot #he dug a massive hole through a mountain and made transport #he made a cute house and a heart made of flowers #amongst many other things #he also figured out how we could fly home one time because i needed to sleep #idk #i love him so much #i’m still sad that it all ended #but there’s nothing i can do about it and that’s okay #i’ll learn to love someone else eventually #i just don’t know what to do with all the love i have for him in the meantime #it kinda pisses me off that he thinks i think he’s horrible #when i was always so clear and obvious about how i felt about him #so idk how he can say that #his actions aren’t a reflection of how i feel about him #they’re a reflection of how he feels about me?#idkkk #i’m sick as fuck right now so i’ve decided that’s why i’m being emo :)

twitter goes too hard sometimes

#got me thinking about him telling me he gave up trying with us #searching that on our messages links to a convo we had in 2022 when we broke up then #he was much nicer about it then #it seemed like he was upset & cared about what was happening #a year later was much different #idk #i love him so much but i tried so hard #i really did #i wanted to learn everything about his triggers and his comforts so we could argue healthily #so we both had coping mechanisms and were both aware of what each other needed so we could work #that’s what being in a healthy relationship is #but when i asked he couldn’t answer me and i don’t think he was ever interested in what helped or triggered #me #even when i told him he told me he couldn’t do it #even though i knew he could because he’d done it when we first started talking for months on end #lol #i don’t know how he doesn’t see that being so avoidant is just a constant problem in his relationships #not even just romantic just all of them in his life whether he realises it or not #idk i’m just upset #i really wanted it to be him despite everything #i really truly loved him and it just didn’t matter #i see now that he just didn’t want to be with me #nothing i could’ve done would’ve changed that #i’m not as healed from all this as i thought

my heart is sooooooooooooooo annoying

#i’ve been tryna sleep for three hours wooo #got me thinking about many things #one including how he seemed triggered the other day about some things we were talking about #upset at least #& it just makes me think of baby ben #it breaks my heart #& makes me wanna comfort him immediately #like i don’t even wanna be mad about the things that happened between us anymore #well tbf i’m not mad i just…? don’t trust him emotionally anymore…?#idk but thinking of baby him just makes me feel so BAD #like he’s just that little boy inside really #how can i be mad at that #i just want to love him?#this sounds more insane than it feels in my head #i guess i mean i just see his inner child and it makes me regret being mad and saying things i’ve said #which it shouldn’t because he hurt me and how can i betray the version of me that was so hurt back when it happened #by just allowing it #IDK ITS SO ANNOYING #he’s literally not even sorry #idk why i even think of his inner child fgs but w/e #i loved or love him too much ig #p #IDEK IT LITERALLY DOESNT MATTER #i don’t need to have a good relationship with him because we’re not in each others lives #there’s no reason to discuss or forgive the pain caused #if we decided to be friends or get back together then we’d have to but neither of those are ever going to happen so #🧘🏼‍♀️#it’s literally only on my mind because of our convo the other day so #i need it to get out of my brain now i’m done thinking about shit i already put behind me pls TY

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i spent too long looking at some cute rings on tik tok and now they’re all over my fyp and every post has a different love song or a lil love quote from a movie playing and AHHHHH

#they do rings inspired by birth month of couples and it’s so cuteeeeeee #the songs n stuff getting me fucked upppppp #also just instantly started looking for ours #oops #have i screenshot it to show him to see if he thinks it’s ugly #or cute #yes #will i ever actually show him #no!!!!#also future jodie it’s called sweetpeeps on tok ok bye #i’ll buy one for MYSELF one day

konoko

how to make money if I’m the most useless person in the world *google search*

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