Nico exhales, eyes fixed on the petals bleeding through his fingers. So much for keeping things casual. “Down bad” doesn’t even cover it, he’s apparently auditioning for a floral autopsy. Love, it seems, is terminal and surprisingly well-arranged.
He starts coughing. It's getting worse everyday. He looks towards the mirror. Pale complexion, bloodshot eyes, ever present dark circles. Gods, he looks like a reflection of his old self when he was pining for yet another unattainable straight boy. Pathetic.
He washes down the blood in the sink and throws the petals in the trash. He can feel his throat itching to cough again. The underworld is basically his home anyway so it isn't much of a difference if–
Nico sighs, he can tell his soul is thinning. It just sucks. Why does he ruin every good thing that happens to him? He really doesn't want to do this now when he's worked so hard to love himself. Wallowing in self pity is just not him anymore. He can't do this, not when the object of his affections is just on the other side of the door. He splashes water in his face.
He tries not to invalidate his own feelings because he has healed. He has the support system he didn't have when he was younger; he has sisters, a father that actually cares for him, and the bestest best friend you could ever have; shouldn't that be enough?
He's not alone, and he doesn't feel lonely either. He just got greedy, he tasted reciprocation and wanted more. He knows what it's like to be in a room with people who want you to be there and genuinely enjoy your presence. It's sad that he can't be satisfied, he's only half a human after all. They die young anyway, it would be funny that it isn't in the hands of monsters.
He gives one last look at himself and cringes. There's nothing much he could do. He looks like death, a proper son of Hades.
He takes a deep breath before turning the door knob. He sees Jason in the kitchen area washing the dishes. He smiles and ignores the bloom in his lungs as he approaches the blonde.
“Hey, thanks for washing the dishes.”
Jason turns to him, carefully hiding a look of worry. “It's no problem, thank you for cooking.” It was one of their routine dinner nights, their friends constantly tease them about it but it's whatever.
Jason slows down his washing.
“I'm fine.” Nico says before Jason starts.
“Are you sure? You just ran to the restroom in the middle of our conversation.”
Nico tries to give a reassuring smile. “Yeah, I'm good. Don't worry about it.” Nico knows Jason won't be too pushy because he trusts Nico enough that he'll tell him if something's wrong besides the pivotal garden infesting in his lungs. It's so hard to lie to him too, he has such pure intentions that every time he looks at you it feels stronger than Apollo’s truth serum.
“You're looking a little pale though.” Jason pouts as he dries the dishes with a cloth.
“I'm always pale.”
“Paler than usual.” Jason insists, well maybe he can be a little pushy. He looks him in the eyes. Gods, it makes him feel like such a loser because that alone made him want to confess. To unburden these complicated feelings as he has done before, yet another load Jason has to share just because he is kind and a good friend. Nico can't do this to him. That's not how a best friend should be.
He can feel the disease stemming through his lungs. He can't let Jason see him like this. He clears his throat.
“You know… yeah you're right, actually I'm not feeling very good.” He reaches for Jason’s shoulders but could only reach for his arms and turns him to his back so he can push the blonde towards the door. “I think you should go, don't want you to catch anything.”
Nico opens the door for him and pushes Jason to the other side. “Nico, wait–
He shuts the door and hurls.
Shit.
Blood. Saliva. Hyacinths.
Scarlet looks quite striking in the blue hues of the petals. The first time Nico saw the flowers, he laughed. The gods are laughing with him, he thinks; after all, there's nothing as entertaining as a tragic gay love story. Corny and unoriginal as hell. What a sick fucking joke.
His throat is itching; he coughs again. He starts punching his chest, wondering if he's skilled enough to pinpoint the bud in his body and wilt the flowers before it blooms. He's wondering if there's a point to it even as the coughing persists. Nasty and dry, the way his own saliva watered and cultured this garden. His eyes start tearing not because he's sad but because it physically hurts to have flowers fight their way up your throat. Who knew that such soft petals could feel so abrasive. He always thought these emotions should be kind… but being a demigod it's not really a surprise; Cupid is an asshole after all.
He falls to the floor in a fit of coughs. He hears the doorknob click. Fuck. No one can see him like this. Fossi voluto sprofondare nella terra, t'ammazzo. He can't shadow travel at his state so he uses the last bit of his strength to stand up and push the door close before Jason or whoever else could come in.
“Nico, let me in.” Of fucking course, it had to be Jason. The blonde uses a bit more force to open the door a little, Nico tries to push back but he's too weak right now and uses his feet to block it from opening more. He turns his head away so he can't see Jason's face.
“Nico, please.”
“I’m fine, I just–” The disease betrays him and he lets out a nasty hawk. “Just a lil’ cough.” His voice, hoarse and ugly.
“A little cough!?” Jason tries to push the door a bit more before letting out an exasperated breath. “Nico please, I thought… We were done with this.”
He hates when Jason's disappointed.
“We are. I'm fine.” He forces out.
“I’m fine.”
“Let me help, Neeks.” Jason pleaded.
“Jason please, let me be.” He dares to look up and see a glimpse of the blonde, big mistake. He knows, but he can't help it. He darts his eyes to the floor with flowers, the exact thunderous blues of his best friend's eyes.
Jason follows his gaze, “Is that blood?” Nico freaks out and tries to push the door shut again. He hears Jason taking a deep breath. “Nico, I'm going to use more of my force now.” He says so fucking gently, it's annoying. Urgh, I love him.
He knows what's coming, if he couldn't feel it in his throat, he can already feel it in his heart, this relentless want. He surrenders himself to the ache blooming in his chest. There's not much else he can do but let his love witness the physical evidence of his painful longing.
Even with his eyes remaining closed, the all too familiar fluorescent lights blind his senses before feeling the draught in his throat. Something is being pressed on his lips and he opens his mouth in reflex as water makes its way to his stomach. He tries to ask for more water but his voice cracks. He feels the glass again and gulps down in relief as he tastes brownies that he and Jason would often eat at Camp Jupiter. He recalls a time when he would taste soup that his sister would make when he gets sick. He no longer remembers the flavour but he thinks of it fondly.
The nectar soothes his body enough for him to comprehend the noise clutter of the infirmary. He's heard this before. He winces as he recognizes that irritating nagging voice but can't process whatever he's blabbering.
“—Shaaht hap, Will.” It gives Nico satisfaction that he has enough energy to say that despite being mildly incomprehensible. “Please.”
Will sighs, “Har har, Nico this is serious.”
He scoffs. As if he doesn't know that. It's so fucking serious, he might as well pack his things and knock on his dad's doorstep. He looks around because Will's mothering face is pissing him off. It's not necessarily a soothing sight immediately after passing out from hurling his guts.
He pouts as he checks the vicinity without thought.
“Don't look so disappointed Nico, He refused to leave your side till I forced him.”
Nico huffs because being in love is so predictable that he didn't realize he was expecting to see the other blonde. Then he remembers the absolute disaster that was last night. Maybe it's for the best that he's not here, it gives Nico some time to think what possible reason he could say about the coughing, the blood, the flowers, and worse not telling his best friend sooner. He squints his eyes towards Will in suspicion, who crosses their arms in return.
“Hey, don't look at me like that. I'm the one that saves your ass every time this happened.” The doctor got him there and Nico is immensely grateful. Will gives him some ambrosia. They've done this enough times that it's routine at this point.
“That's literally your job.” Nico points out as he takes the ambrosia in one bite.
“Oh thank you so much, Will. For healing me despite refusing to do anything to save myself.” Will mumbles in a mocking voice.
“Thank you.” He mumbles low and Will knows he means it. Despite the rough patch in their relationship, Nico is glad that they're still okay, that they're still friends after everything that went down between them. It was definitely weird for a while but they found their footing again.
“Nico.” He knows that tone.
“Will, you know that I can't.” He shakes his head.
“Jason adores you.” Nico panics and glares at Will at the mention of his name. He checks around the room to see if anyone else could hear them.
“Yeah, like he adores every single one of his friends.”
Will groans, “He’s different with you, you know it.”
Nico purses his lips. Maybe, but that doesn't mean it's romantic. He just has a weird attachment to Nico is all. He refuses to let Jason drown in guilt because Nico isn't satisfied with their already overwhelmingly close friendship. Heck, he wouldn't be surprised if Jason forces himself to fall in love with Nico just so he doesn't lose him. Nico would rather die. He's gone through these thoughts again and again, and had conversations with Will about it again and again. It's making him sick.
Will rushes to him with a bucket. His ear rings as he hurls tiny buds covered in blood. Will is patting his back as he coughs out a few more, some buds sprouting a few little petals. A glass of water is shoved to his face.
Nico drinks in one gulp, Will pours him another. He stares at the clear liquid because he knows if he looks at the son of Apollo he'll only see pity.
Will sighs, “You should have seen him, I never knew he could make a face like that.” He takes the bucket and inspects the buds before properly disposing of them.
“You can't keep this up, Nico.” Will takes a seat beside him. “Your body can't take another physiological collapse and I don't even need to use my powers to see that”
Nico drinks more water and closes his eyes. He can sense his own aura flickering, he knows he doesn't have enough time anymore... That's a bit disappointing, he still wants to have fun with everyone.
“Nico, I can't handle seeing you like this.”
“Well, you won't have to any longer.”
“That's not funny.”
“I wasn't trying to be.”
They both stayed quiet for a while. Will starts singing a hymn to his father; another fruitless attempt to rid of the disease but it is comforting. It feels a bit nostalgic having Will fuss over him but he's genuinely like that with all of his patients. A doctor with a big heart. He looks towards Will continuously singing in deep concentration and wonders if they hadn’t rushed into things, if they had started to get to know each other as friends first, if he was less troubled that things would be different.
“You’ve always had a really nice voice.” Will stops singing and abruptly stands up, startling Nico.
“No.” Will says firmly, shaking his head.
“No?”
“Nuh, we are not doing this.” He makes a gesture between the two of them.
“Er…”
Will continues to shake his head, “You’ve always had a really nice voice—” squeakily repeating Nico’s statement, “Get the fuck over yourself, Nico.”
What the Hades, he's the one dying here. “Excuse me?” he says incredulously.
He points at Nico, “You don't get to say that.” Will looks betrayed shifting his gaze to the side, like he couldn't bear to look at Nico “... As if—.” The blonde couldn't finish his sentence.
“As if I'm dying?”
“As if you've given up!”
Will drags his hands over his face and clasps them together. “This is actually ridiculous. What are you so scared of?”
Nico lays his palm at the side of his face. “Tight, enclosed spaces… Shits get me claustrophobic.”
Will frowns because he knows what Nico means. “Stop trying to change the topic.”
“But it's true.” Nico grunts.
“You mean everything to him, Nico.”
“You don't know what the hell you're talking about.”
“Yes I do! I know cause—”
“Is that how you talk to all your patients, Solace?” Nico's heart races hoping Jason didn't hear the previous conversations, he avoids the blonde’s eye contact in fear of finding out.
“Oh good you're here.” Will's voice goes back to normal. Nico gives him a warning glare, Will returns the expression. “... And no, I only talk like that to patients who are keen on dying.”
Nico rolls his eyes, “You're so dramatic.”
Will huffs and crosses his arms. “If you don't tell Jason, I will.”
“What the fuck?”
“Nico can tell me in his own time.”
“If he's got time.” Will grumbles, “Nico, tell him.”
“It's alright, Neeks. You can tell me when you're comfortable.”
“Oh don't pretend you weren't begging me to tell you what happened yesterday.” Will says unimpressed and looks between them, “I'm tired, I'll give you some privacy so please talk.” He massages his temples before turning to leave, giving Nico one last pointed look.
“Thinks he knows what's best for everyone.” Nico mumbles, “Just because he's the son of Apollo, passed med school, has healing powers… annoying ass sunshine.” Nico sighs as Jason quietly takes a seat next to his bed.
He feels the tension, for the first time the silence between them doesn't feel comfortable. “Just ask. I know you want to.”
“I don't want to force you if you don't want to tell me.”
“No, you should… you deserve to know.” Nico pushes himself to finally look at Jason, somehow he doesn't look as bright as he usually does. He knows it's because of him, he wouldn't deny that.
He doesn't even know where or how to start. “I’m… I— this is difficult to say.”
Jason reaches for his hand and Nico squeezes it to ground himself despite the immediate irritation he feels in his throat. He needs this. “I don't—” it comes out dry and he laughs which was more of a cough. Jason rubs his hand with his thumb soothingly. Will is right, this is fucking ridiculous. “... Maybe I should let Doc. Solace explain haha.”
“I wanna hear it from you though.” Jason pouts.
“What difference does it make?”
“I'm your best friend.”
“Yeah… you are.” he says, opening an old wound. Nico wonders if Jason can feel the weight behind those simple words. The first time the blonde had told him. Nico had been so happy he’d choked on his own saliva out of embarrassment. Maybe that was also the moment he had swallowed this seed of unrequited love. The thought makes him cringe. Nico lets Jason's hand go.
“I have Hanahaki.” He says, not so much as ripping off a bandaid but more of it falling on its own after days of wearing.
Jason, his first best friend, his first love, and his last heartbreak.
“Every inch of my body just wants to run into the comfort of the shadows.” He turns his head away from Jason, he's not sure if it's of shame or of fear, “But I'm back again, fucking up. Returning to these old habits because it's so hard to lie to you or keep you from the truth.” His voice shakes but miraculously there's no itch, no cough, no floral disease blocking his confession. It's on him, no excuses. “This would be so much easier if you were mad. I wished you would be a little more frustrated with me. I wish you wouldn't be as patient so I can have an excuse to fuck off.” He laughs, hugging himself because he doesn't trust his body to not reach the closest shadows.
“I-I'm your best friend,” He damns himself and that's just it, if it was anyone else maybe Nico could have chosen himself instead, maybe he could follow doctor's orders, confess or take the surgery. It's not anyone else though, it's Jason.
End
NOTES: Posting this here before I rewrite it and add more for Jason because I feel like the tone is too doomed right now. Just wanted it to be somewhere while I rework it as something I'd put up on my AO3. I also wanted to check if it's anything people would read but I'll continue working on this anyway! I miss Jasico dearly <33 and thought since every ship has a hanahaki au and I haven't read one for them yet hehe
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