L'ateiler de Cephalofille

I've recently watched Despicable Me 4 and guess what character catched my ears? :3

Honestly, I'm feeling a bit down lately, and not because of the setbacks I have in my life, I'm used to those.

This time it's due of some arguements and misunderstandings I have been having online with someone here and there. And I feel that my little place on the internet, the one I'm hanging out to keep the little sanity and hope I have in my soul, it's no longer that safe and happy.

It's been like this for 3 years now that I've been getting these issues from time to time, and I've been realizing all these little conflicts online have been affecting a lot my mental and emotional health. The end of last years they almost triggered my depression and axiety, and also a few days ago.

And I dunno what to do. I dunno if I should just cut distance, or doing something more drastic like blocking the person, or if give this person one more chance to show real care. I told my bro about this, cos I'm scared, but I know my mom will not understand me, and I have no one else whom I can genuinely trust. I'm a lonely, shy, and socially awkward artist. I have no friends where I live. And online I had a couple of friends but I have lost contact with them due of my exboyfriend.

So well, my bro has recommended me to "just block that person!" and have made me remember what my mom always tell me and my siblings:

"people who truly love you and care about you never will make you suffer".

Very good point…I must say.

I'll not say names, neither to talk about what happened. Cos that was something that was talked in private, and I respect and care a lot about the privacy of people I love, either friends or family.

But still..I had to do this journal cos this series of issues have beein draining me a lot, mentally and emotionally.

They also have made me seriously reflect and think about what I've been doing with my life all these years…

About if I'm actually bringing something good to the world by sharing my art online and enjoying to engage with people who love my art and want to know me better…or shouldn't be doing this?

I wonder if I should stop being an online artist and look up for a job on my city.

Honestly, I love to engage with people who love my art and would like to be my friends and know me better.

But sadly, I'm only able to be a friend who can hang up with their peeps from time to time (at least for the moment) when I can. Because I have very limited time (due of my life problems) and very limited mental and emotional energy (that due of my fragile mental health)

So, when someone gets upset at you for sharing your art online (which is something I've been doing for 25 years now) or starts to get weird getting upset at you cos they expect you to talk with them everyday ( or being often) and isn't emphatic with your life's personal trouble and mental health. It's heartbreaking to a level it's difficult to bear.

Also, sometimes…. it smells danger. Because that's how abusive behavior starts most of the times…with little "arguing" that grows up like a snowball…

….But…it is really danger with this person in particular? Or just a misunderstood due of bad communication?

how I can I be sure?

That's what I wonder…

And I also wonder one important thing… how to set healthy boundaries to avoid misunderstandings or/and parasocial relationships?

How do I make peeps who love my art and want to know me more understand that I'm not being rude if I take care of myself?

How I make people understand my life have been tore up by my ex-boyfriend, that he tore up my mental and emotional health? And that's why right now my priority it's to cure myself emotionally and mentally, and to work hard to get back on my feet?

I've always thought I was good at setting healthy boundaries when engaging to the people who liked my art and would like to be friends with me, but if I was that good…I wouldn't have had any misunderstanding.

I wonder if someohow it's my fault….if I was the one who wasn't clear with letting people know I couldn't be able to engage in long talk very often.

The saddest thing, after the last misunderstood I had with this peep I feel like my brain is in pause, art wise.

I no longer feel inspired to make art very much, and since I was in the relationship with my ex, and also even after I broke up with him, I no longer felt inspired to art as I used to before I've met him.

And I'm struggling to come back to art. And now this peep comes up and gives me a lot of anxiety and worries, gives me conflicts. And all this is….very overwhelming.

I can't help feeling a very discouraged and wondering…. if it really worths to keep sharing of my art online. Or doing more art in general.

Being an online artist, and sharing my passions for shows and movies I love through my art online it's my life! I can't imagine one day not doing it.

Stopping doing art and sharing it online would break my heart…

Right now things have been cleared up with this peep though. At the end I've decided to give this peep and opportunity because I really cherish this friend.

It's a really dear friend of mine, and even got to think we could be a lot more in the future..

So I hope that from now on, there will be no more conflicts and that this little corner online that I took a life to make, can return to be chill and harmonious again.

Hé mes potes pievres!

I've been having some dreadful weeks, due of my actual life situation.

I wasn't sure if I should talk about this, cos I don't like make of my personal life a show off so people have me pity and give me money, like a lot of people online do. I think that's ethically incorrect..

...But I know I'll eventually WILL HAVE to talk about this! Because these difficulties I'm having on my everyday life right now are draining my energy, and are affecting a lot my productivity in art. So as we say "if you have to do a tedious task better do it quickly "

I'm not sure if I have the emotional strenght or the mood to talk about all this in detail, though. So if you'll excuse me, I'll just make a summary of my actual situation here:

My life is a mess due of the fault of a series of unfortunate events.

On my fixed job as a french teacher I'm not getting paid since 3 months ago. My mom considered me a looser and abandonned me. She went to another country to live with my sister.

She knew I needed her care, cos she was the only one I can share a place with (cos I suffer of post-traumatic stress and social anxiety, so I depend of her emotionally) and she knows it's very difficult for me to get a job because I'm terrified of meeting new people and new places, and having to work with people I don't know.

Also, she was the only one who helped me with the rent where we lived. And now I'm going to get kicked out cos I can't pay. But I cannot just move somewhere else, because I have also suffered from depression and post-traumatic stress from being in a romantic relationship with an abusive narcissist.

Being alone in a place that it's new and I don't know could trigger panic attacks, anxiety, depression... and the negative thoughts that come with being depressed.

Plus, even if I could be like an average person and thus able to move anywhere...there's not much people who accepts to rent out a place to a person with pets, and much less 5 cats.

So, yeah. My mom abandonned me on November 15, left to my fate, with 5 cats and two brothers to take care of.

The only posibility I have left it's to move with my brothers (the only one people I know since a good while along with my mom) but where he rents is a small place and pets are not allowed

So here I am right now.

thinking what to earn money so I don't lose the place I'm renting, and so I can propose my bro to move with me.

I don't want to lose my cats...

I also need money to give them food and a good place to live. All them were stray cats. I rescued them from the streets; they're not just my responsibility, they're like my children. When I rescued them, I promised them I was going to take care of them, that they would never suffer again cos I would give them a safe place, a home.

Hé folks..howdy? I know suck at finishing art quickly lately, sorry about that!

The last week I catched a cold, so I didn't feel well to draw. And yesterday, something even worse happened with one of my closes ones. It's a delicate subjet that has to be solved in private, so I'll not talk about it for respect to this person's privacy.

I can't help though, saying I'm feeling really sad and being worried about this person's feelings he told me he had, thus not inspired to draw at all.

In fact...

...I feel a lot like how I used to feel when I was in couple with my exboyfriend. And this is really scary.

I didn't want to have a new love relationship cos I'm not in a stable mental or emotional state to manage a love relationship. And mainly, cos love relationships are complicated cos you put on them a lot of yourself emotionally, and when either you or the other person or both aren't emotionally stable and mature, I'm the one who ends up suffering.

I didn't want to love again cos I give too much of myself when I fall in love. And most of people don't understand my unusually sensitive soul and how it has to be treated with care and kindness. So people often make me suffer and being stressed and anxious either with (in the case of my ex-boyfriend) or without intention (in the case of this friend I'm talking about).

But with or without intention, I just didn't want that to happen again. so I told people online and also in my everyday life that I wasn't looking up for love, but only friends, due of my past sad exprience with love.

But it didn't work.

And I don't know why somehow I always get myself on these kind of sad situations. And now with a friend!

And it's not the first one, but there have been a couple of others issues I've had with this same peep that have made me feel stressed and sad unecessarily.

And I don't know what to do.

I just know can't manage all these intense feelings T_T

This is not the straw that broke the camel's back. I mean, I'm still willing to wait to see if things can get better...

yeah I know I haven't been drawing much, but that's because my personal and work life are complicated in these moments.

And I'd like to offer you art, and especially quality rather than quantity.

So this month I started doing a "week art challenge" (finishing at least one illustration every week) because that's all I can afford right now.

I hope you won't blame me, or forget me just because I don't draw as often as I did when I was a lot younger, like when I teen. I had a calmer life back then... Now I'm an adult have a more haphazard and chaotic life.

So, this week's drawing is Princess Rosalina (Harmonie in french version) as a mermaid because, well... there's no better way to create fan art than to turn everyone into a mermaid right! Dedicated to her fans with love!

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Oui je sais, je n'ai pas beaucoup dessiné, mais c'est parce que ma vie personelle et au boulot c'est compliquée. Mais j'aimerais vous offrir de l'art, et surtout de la qualité plutôt que de la quantité.

Alors me suis mis a faire un "week art challenge" (finir un dessin chaque semaine) parce que c'est tout ce que je peux me permettre en ce moment.

J'espère que vous ne m'oublierez pas juste parce que je ne dessine pas aussi souvent que quand j'étais ado. C'était une vie plus calme à l'époque...Maintenant j'ai une vie plus hasardeuse et chaotique.

Y'know, No day goes by without one of my students asking me how to curse in french.

And then they feel amazed to realize there are so many expressions for that in french, and that all phrases sound like the most beautiful and wonderful thing in the world! 😂

I just can't get people's fixation on swear words in general 😂 And tecnically I'm not allowed to teach that on the school/colleges I've been worked on…but I do it anyways heheheh

Why?

Today I have stuff to share, something I drew back on september of last year. Isn't something like "super extraordinary" but it's been drawn with a lot of love...Voilà Polochon! :D (curious fact, that's the french name for flounder heheh)

Flounder is such a sweet, fun and compasionate character! It's because of that he have always been one of my favorites among all disney characters. But he's sadly, also a very underrated and unappreciated character.

I feel like the more I try, the more I struggle to keep motivated to reach my goals, the less I can do the artwork I'd like to do, folks.

For me making art was never difficult, the inspiration to make my art was something that came from my soul!

It was a flame that used to shine brightly, and gused forth fiercely and spectacularly, like lava from a volcano, in the form of art.

But I no longer have it....

I feel like that inspiration for me to do art it's gone from my heart since the that fateful day I met...

....une certaine personne...

.....mon ex-petit copain, qui a ruiné ma vie....

It's the end of the semester for my students whom I teach French classes to, and I've been busy reviewing assignments and putting in grades on them. Giving my students one by one, some personal notes where I give them feedback about their works, what they've done good and what I'd suggest to them to improve their french and learn faster.

I posted a tiktok about my cat, taking the chance he was being quite, cos I thought it was cute and people were going to like it, and that would help to cheer me up a bit today, but it wasn't popular.

For the rest of the day, I helped my mom doing house chores and I made meal. Then we ate together, and I started to tell her about my school and how my students are doing, because I wanted to hang out with her, but she didn't pay attention to me.

She was very busy with her cellphone, sending tex messages to talk to my sister, to my brother, to the landlord, to her neighbor and friend...with everybody but me. Plus! she was worried that about my sister and her baby. Since she got pregnant all the attention it's for her (and it's usually like that already, so imagine it, it's even more now!) So even if I wanted to cry, I contained myself, forgot the talking and just ate.

After that I sat down back to finish reviewing assignements.  I've took some of the time in the afternoon to try and make the animation I talked about on twitter some days ago, but I wasn't able to do much. So I started to browse pinterest for inspiration to draw, and I didn't find any.

I wanted to draw emma from one of my favorites series, Lou...

...a funny comic strip about a bee, a christmas pinup of a cool cartoon girl to post here, a new character desing of a character for my sci-fi saga of comic books (that I've left aside like for 7 years lol), more of Jupiter the gecko (other of my original characters, of other of my original comics that's also in hiatus) Ice Bear (from the cartoon show) saying mon dieu while he...well, if you've seen the art I post here, then you know what I mean XD

I also wanted to draw Tsuyo and Legoshi (from their respective animes) cos I think they're cool characters! And also I tried to make a drawing of one of my oc's giving chocolates to my dear friend LordValdarox, cos he have given me a lot of support and encouragement since we've met, and it was going to be an artgift to thank him.

...But I wasn't able to draw anything.

Nothing came out.

 All of the sketches I did were awful. And that made me feel even more sad and lonely than how I usually feel everyday due the fact nobody in the country where I live now talk french, or understands french. And I can't talk french with anybody!

So you can imagine, right now while writting this I have the impression of being worthless, unapreciated by my mom and the rest of my family too, for not being "sucessful" cos I don't earn a lot of money money. I feel like a waste on place in this beautiful planet that we call earth, and that today, it has been just another day of my mediocre, boring, french-less...purposeless life.

Don't get me wrong! I'm not saying all in my life is bad, there were good news in my family this week that gave me happiness and...some motivation to improve as a person and as an artist, to be a better person, to be a good role model for this little angel that have just came to this world.

And it's cool, teaching french it's cool, I'm not complaining of that either hein!

I just wish I could art the same way I used to do when I was younger, or some time ago....why I'm not able to?!? Why I can't recover my mojo with art anymore?

It's very frustrating to sit in front of the computer (or paper) and that your hand can't do what you're imagining in your mind! Is one of the most heartbreaking things for a visual artist.

Some of you fellow artists have any advice?

I was working on a commission work and I just felt inspired to draw fanart of WoY. I don't know why but since a pretty good time I wanted to do fanart of this show cos it's really awesome! One of the few tv cartoon shows that recently came out, that I actually finished to watch.

Hé salut les potes! Howdy?

Today I'd like to give a more intimate side of this artist you've known since two decades and a few more years now, cos I imagine you'd appreciate it. So here's this new section on this blog who will be called:

"The pain and Joy of my soul in HD"

Of course, HD here doesn't mean "high definition", but more precisely, "high detail". This section will feature some of the most saddest and most joyful moments of my life. Mostly the moments that occur today and in the future. But there might be also past moments written here if some of my present experiences triggers in my soul a flashback of old times that are either too joyful or too painful.

Allez c'est parti! Here's the first entry:

The pain of my soul in HD: Exhausted of chasing love

I still feel very sad due something that happened recently. I'll not give you details cos they're personal.. But a summary, cos I feel my heart is in pain right now, so maybe talking a bit, it helps me to feel a bit less sad? I've fallen for guy who reached me on twitter to be friends, at first he was really nice with me.

He is french, so he even talked me a bit in french, and with time, we realized we shared a lot of passions and tastes , he asked a photo of my face and he gave me one of him so we could know each other. With time I confessed my feelings to him, and he said he had a crush on me, but he wasn't sure about starting a new relation because of a personal tragedy, so I understood. I saw I'd wait, and that I still was happy to know him and I enjoyed his company, he said he also enjoyed talking with me.

Then it happened my accident when I broke my leg, and I woke up days later at the hospital. I was thinking of him, and this gave me the force to be awake and come back to be online. So of course, I was waiting for a warm welcome from him, but something changed.

Now he isn't as loving and nice as he used to and doesn't talk me with the same frequency either. And I have no idea of why! Things were cool before and we seemed to enjoy our company a lot.

The change is clear. For example, today I messaged him, like usual, and he preferred to do other things with other people, but had no time to talk to me, not even a hi message. When before he always made an effort to talk me cos he knew that cheered up my day.

One of my family members I've talked about, thinks that this is the kind of womanizer guy who doesn't respect or appreciate girls, and just wants girls for some brief fun, but nothing serious. And suggests me I should block him because he is going to hurt my heart a lot more later. And one dear friend says this happened cos I rushed and "I told him my feelings too early" or something, and that was bad cos I wasn't being "misterious" enough so that's why he no longer appreciates me. And she recommends me I should try "the difficult girl trick" and not send him messages of any kind for a while, and only talk to him if he talks to me.

But honestly, I'll not do that either. Those are teenager's games. I'm a grown up ass adull in her 30's, and he told me he has the same age.

So I just told him that I give him my love and it's sincere, and that it's up to him if he appreciates it or not..But I'm not sure if that will make him to reflect and start to appreciate me more...or if he's actually a jerk who's just playing with my feelings like people arround me say.

Honestly…I'm so exhausted of "chasing men"…

And "chasing love" in general… I'm exhausted that always at the end men break my heart, and being abandonned, not knowing why or what I did wrong.

And in some cruel irony of life, there's one dear friend of mine who have told me he would he fell for me and would like to be my boyfriend, and he does show it with actions and not only with words because it's really nice and attentive, and I can feel he cares about me for real....but he isn't native French and doesn't talk french either.

which...it's not a problem right now, but it will be if I decided to make a couple with him, cos:

1. we will probably never have intimacy, cos I'm francosexual and francoromantic (romantically and sexually attracted to people who speak french, no necessarily native french, but french-speaking people) I will never be turned on enough with him to actually climax, so I'll be unhappy and sexually frustrated, just like it happens right now that I'm single and celibatarian.

And 2. Cos french language, I cherish it deeply! So, it's very important to me to have in on my everyday life. It's already sad and painful the fact that where I live now nobody talks french. It will be even sadder for my heart to wake up every morning by the side of someone who doesn't talk french.

#1 How to correctly promote yourself

I know art field it's difficult & we all struggle to earn a life out of our art..But if your first private message in social networks to a fellow artist (or anyone in general) is "I can make your profile pic better, cos the one you have sucks!" or "want a comission from me? I have ideas for you only for this price" out of nonwhere, your're doing wrong, cos is that is not nice at all.

And I thought I needed to talk about this particular subjet, cos I've received messages like these very often, and is really awkward! When people do this to me I usually gently tell them why this isn't a very nice behavior and try to guide them on how to do promote their work right, but most of artists will not be as kind and emphatic as me. They'll just feel offended and block you because they'll think you're wasting their time and you don't care about them at all.

So my advice on this it's, please don't do this peeps!

It gives you a bad image as an artist, makes you look not professional You give the impression of being a 12 years old kiddo who want to become an illustrator when growing up and has no idea of what they're doing XD

And I thought I needed to talk about this particular subjet, cos I've received messages like these very often, and is really awkward! If you do this to me. I'll usually gently tell you why this isn't good behavior and guide you to the good way to do it, but most of artists will not be as kind or emphatic. They'll just feel offended and block you cos they'll think you're just being rude and wasting their time, and that you don't care about them or their art at all.

Hé salut les potes!

Oui I've finally realized I needed to expand my horizonts and make a tumbrl, alors voilà! Please feel welcome to my blog and I hope you have an amazing time!

I've decided to start this blog sharing this portrait of my original character, Brigitte.

She's one of my fursonas, the one who represents me, and is kinda an hybrid of an octopus and a nudibranch, two of my most favorite animals.