CELLULOID SNOGS

You all know the story: fake millionaire, Shell Oil Junior (aka Joe, aka Josephine, aka Tony Curtis), has invited Sugar Kane (aka Marilyn Monroe) back to the yacht for some “champagne and cold pheasant”. And he’s given both his flag steward and his cocktail steward the night off so that he and Sugar can be alone. 

Poor Sugar. She’s just there to bag her dream man – a millionaire who wears glasses – because, hey, it’s 1929 and a girl’s gotta eat. But here comes Joe the annoyingly good-looking saxophonist with his mind games and his Cary Grant impression. Rude.

So, bespectacled Joe (because glasses, as we all know, are a foolproof disguise in every movie) now decides to fake impotence as well as wealth so that Sugar will try her very best to 'fix’ him. And try she does – with gusto – while the jokes (steamed-up glasses included) land with aplomb. The result is one of the hottest and most hilarious make out sessions ever captured in monochrome.

Build up: ♡♡♡ Romance: ♡♡ Chemistry: ♡♡♡♡♡ Beauty: ♡♡♡♡♡  Technique: ♡♡♡♡♡

Engineer Willard Holmes (Ronald Colman) has just successfully irrigated Barbara Worth’s desert town. Yes, that’s innuendo. Barbara (Vilma Banky) is celebrating this new plentiful supply of H2O by embracing all and sundry. She’s doing it in a totally platonic way, of course, until she finds would-be-boyfriend Willard standing next to her... The reaction says it all. 

Build up: ♡♡♡ Romance: ♡♡♡♡ Chemistry: ♡♡♡♡ Beauty: ♡♡♡♡ (I’m biased because Ronnie) Technique: ♡♡♡♡

Context: Psychiatrist Dr. Constance Petersen (Ingrid Bergman) has fallen in love with her new colleague, despite the fact she’s recently discovered that he’s an impostor suffering from amnesia. He’s also suspected of murder (whattacatch!), but luckily our mystery man looks and sounds exactly like 29-year-old Gregory Peck (Welcome to swoontown, population you!), and he seems to be equally besotted with Constance.

The lovers are now on the run and she’s trying to cure that pesky amnesia and discover the identity of the real murderer. After a rather “handsy” train journey, they arrive at the home of her old mentor and pose as newlyweds in need of a place to honeymoon. And now they’re shacked up together for the night,… in a bedroom… alone… and they’re not really married -gasp! (Just remember this is Hays-code-America circa 1945, mmkay?)

Aesthetic: Have you SEEN these two? Ingrid and Greg possess not only beautiful faces, but two pairs of the most lucious lips in cinematic history. Who needs special styling or fancy scenery? They could be wearing sweats and a t-shirt and they’d still be supa seksi

Direction: Nice one, Hitch. Sit two beautiful people in front of a camera and some lights. Then have them speak a few lines of flirty dialogue before interrupting themselves mid-sentence in order to kiss the living crap out of each other. Keep it simple. 

Technique: What even is that, Greg? Are you trying to kill us all? It’s just the right mixture of smooch and hands, with a little mid-kiss rib-squeeze added for good measure. Well played, sir. Well played. (Did I just get too detailed? I’m such a creep.) And, as per usual, Ingrid excels at playing the woman who’s trying to catch her breath through all the “head-swimming” that’s going on. 

Originally I was going to say something about the most famous kiss in Spellbound. Y’know, THAT kiss, where the pre-kiss closeups are so terribly thrilling. But I’m far too shallow to want to review a ttly hawt kiss that’s completely obscured by a random metaphor-door-opening overlay, u feel me? 

In my opinion, this is by far the best kiss in Spellbound, despite the fact that there are several excellent contenders throughout. Let’s just not talk about the fact that nearly every romantic moment in this movie is ruined by Greg having a total freak-out at the tiniest things just because they remind him of something from his forgotten past, k?

I give it an official CelluloidSnogs™ rating of **mother fetch the smelling salts!**

Context: Gerry (Claudette Colbert) is divorcing penniless inventor Tom (Joel McCrea) in order to "snag" a millionaire husband and secure the money needed to fund Tom's make-or-break airport project. He knows she is still madly in love with him and has tracked her down in order to try and win her back! After much lie-telling and kerfuffling they end up posing as brother and sister whilst staying in adjoining rooms in the house of a millionaire (Rudy Vallee). They've just returned from an evening out that featured much romantic kerfuffling. Gerry (whilst being serenaded by Rudy Vallee from the garden) discovers she can't get out of her dress, and so reluctantly enlists Tom's help. As you can probably tell, the sexual tension here is beyond comprehension. She ends up sat in between his legs for chrissakes! I challenge anybody, regardless of sexual preference, to sit in between the legs of 37-year-old-Joel-McCrea and not want to turn around and plant one on that ridiculous face of his.

Aesthetic: Joel and Claudette were such beautiful-looking people, and they're both "dressed to the nines" in this scene! They epitomise the image we all associate with the words "Classic Movie Kiss": a handsome man in black-tie, a beautiful woman in an evening gown, and they're in a swanky room surrounded by chic 1930s furnishings. Not to mention simultaneously being serenaded by none other than Rudy Vallee with his rendition of "Goodnight Sweetheart"! Get some!

Direction: Timing is everything, and it's spot on here. The tension gradually builds in each stage of the scene until it reaches its absolute peak. Then, and only then, do they "go for it". Nice work, Preston. I can tell you were equally as obsessed with movie kisses as I am.

Technique: I have many thoughts (positive ones) about Joel "Handsy" McCrea's movie-kissing technique. He may even deserve his very own post in the future, just to showcase his fine contribution to classic movie kiss history. However you may feel about him as an actor or human being, there is no denying that he knew how to deliver a kiss that would explode all ovaries within a 5 mile radius. Claudette equally excels at acting the "bat-shit-crazy-head-swimmingly-in-love" initiator and recipient of said kiss. She had the ability to react to a kiss as well as deliver one; she just seemed to know and express exactly what any member of her audience would feel if in the same position. 

This kiss literally has it all: the swoop, the embrace, and the hands, and oh my!... I wasn't planning on getting this vulgar but lbr – it's just one of those kisses where you could feasibly assume that Joel would be "sporting a semi" (if-ya-know-what-I-meaaaaan...*wink*). And the fact that this kiss is encased within an extremely entertaining Preston Sturges screwball-comedy makes it even more enjoyable!

"I hope you realise this is costing us millions!" (Gerry, post-kiss)

I give it an official CelluloidSnogs™ rating of **Holy-sheeet!-This-kiss-is-so-good-it-makes-me-question-my-existence!**

Context: You all know the story! Scoundrel Rhett (Clark Gable) has just rescued feisty Scarlett (Vivien Leigh) and her pals from the burning city of Atlanta. They've been bickering and flirting all over the place up until now, and she's already offered him a kiss in an earlier scene, which he refused with the famous line "...and you need kissing, badly!" He's about to leave to join the army and fight "those damn yankees". But not before confessing his love for Scarlett and giving her "a proper good one" (technical term) to say farewell. To summarise: the sexual tension here is at absolute max.

Aesthetic: Look at these sexy, beautiful bastards... with all the dishevelled-ness, and the flame-red sky. Yes, RED, the colour of passion and danger! And they're cast in those dramatic shadows, which totally emphasise the intimacy of the moment, u feel me?

Direction: It is my opinion that the genius of this particular movie kiss lies in the direction. Without it, it could be seemingly just another good 1930s-style "let-me-smother-you-with-my-face" kind of kiss. But they get a really tight close-up on them. Right in there, where the action is. You can even see the individual hairs of Clark's moustache! (If that floats yer boat.) I am so often used to squinting at 1930s kisses filmed in a medium shot, or even those one-sided, over-the-shoulder shots. But with this one you can see errrrything, and truly appreciate the kiss for the fine bit of acting that it is.

Technique: Can there be such a thing as a "gentle rib-crushing"? If so, this is it. And if I go into any further detail here, this review is going to get a whole lot creepier than it already is. Anyway, considering the rumours of Clark and Viv hating each other, and stories about Clark's bad breath, there's some pretty damn good snog-acting happening here. Whether you are to believe the halitosis story or not, it still looks ttly hawwt (official classification). 

On the surface one might mistakenly think that Scarlett didn't appreciate the kiss so much...

But by the way it is described in the book, she clearly enjoys it more than you might think: "She felt as limp as a rag doll, warm weak and helpless, and his supporting arms were so pleasant… He was kissing her now and his mustache tickled her mouth, kissing her with slow, hot lips that were as leisurely as though he had the whole night before him" ...Ahem. Yes. Well. Moving on...

I'm not a big fan of this movie as a whole (for various reasons I shan't go into now,) but I will watch it purely for the chemistry between Rhett and Scarlett. This kiss, in particular, says all you need to know about their relationship.

I give it an official CelluloidSnogs™ rating of **dayumn son!**

Build up: ♡♡♡♡ Romance: ♡♡♡ Chemistry: ♡♡♡♡ Beauty: ♡♡♡♡♡ Technique: ♡♡♡♡