a.h.h.

having to internalize the gender binary again so I can learn a new Romance language

Every time my roommate open mouth coughs loud as hell and doesn't cover it, I fantasize about getting diagnosed with a terminal illness and, because I am so handsome, the Make-A-Wish program makes an exception and lets me have a wish even though I'm 29, and I use my wish to have a horse fucking kick her in the head, and then it turns out that there was a mix-up at the hospital with my paperwork and I actually don't even have a terminal illness. They made a mistake. What they meant to say was I have a beautiful singing voice and a fat ass and a heart of gold.

I moved 750 miles away. She can't hurt me anymore.

funny story i know this guy who at the adventurous age of 12 and fruitfully in more ways than one tried sucking his own dick until he at a terminal moment got a sudden sharp and excruciating pain in his back that caused him to flop violently horizontal on his bed and conclude that he couldn't move. he then spent the next half an hour crying about his impending lifetime of quadraplegia and trying to concoct a plausible story for how he broke his back naked in bed and covered in cum. then i calmed down and realized i could in fact move

i mean he

(flight intercom) this is the pilot speaking. yeah we expect todays flight to be normal. um if you look out your window you shouldnt see the skull

(wizard intercom) good evening passengers. this is the wizard speaking. boy do i have a treat for you

this genuinely made me so happy

Teaching the baby ADVANCED TECHNIQUES

I wish I could make cats understand the concept of fairness. Of hypocrisy. I wish next time Beatrice was eating I could stick my hand in her bowl and dig around and say "see? Not very nice is it?" And she would say "I understand now father you're right". But instead? Big fat paw in my soup

Oddly specific. Got a deposit for 6,837 today

May you end this week feeling ever more certain of a future you’ll love