𝔢𝔩𝔩𝔦𝔢

✩⋆.ೃ𐦍*:☾･⋆𐦍.ೃ࿔*:･⋆.ೃ࿔*:･☾𖤓❀*ੈ✩‧₊˚˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚

I’m just a figment of your imagination, a phantom in the archive, a song full of nostalgia and poem written under the candlelight, tear drops on the pages of diary.

My name is Ellie🪽

I am 22 years old and the colour of my soul is purple and the blood in my veins is black🟣⚫️

· · ─ ·𖥸· ─ · ·

This is my digital journal and where I post when I want to express myself. Most of the time I’m at work, buried in the office chair but my vibe is a nocturnal entity lurking in a purple glow, heavy bass bleeding through cheap headphones, the feeling of a rainy night in a city you've never been to, and the feeling of a cold night that never ends.

I’m from a long forgotten countries, the typical “eastern european” vibe that will never fade.

🇬🇪🇧🇾

Was it all a lie?

After all those words, he changed his workspace today (from darkroom to general area), was walking past me like I didn’t even exist.

I cried. Again.

My best friend was really upset. They had to calm me down all the way to the subway. Thank Ra it was almost midnight and nobody saw/heard me sobbing out loud💀 No matter how many people tell me that he’s not worth it, how “mid” he is, how terrible his hair looks or etc. he will always be my Sabi. My love, my darling.

I was thinking about talking to him before I quit (which I hope won’t happen soon but our shithead bosses are making everything complicated!!!). I want to corner him, tell him that he can’t just leave without an explanation or at least few more words. Tell him how much I love him and how much I want us to work. BUT if I text him, I feel like my self esteem will drop to 0 and he might think of me as a fool😩 Even though I did nothing during my shift but shuffled them tarot cards to understand the situation between us. Apparently he wants to talk but has hard time to find enough energy, which is understandable (still doesn’t justify the fact that he hurt me super badly!!) cuz he has upcoming final exams (I checked his uni timetable lolz)…

Holy Netjer, his smell is driving me insane. I remember that smell from our tight hugs, when he was sitting next to me during my shifts, when we were walking around the city center.. Every place we’ve been to together feels like swallowing broken glass. Only if you knew, Sabi, how much I love you, miss you and want to fix things😔

I hope he reaches out to me soon

Today I overslept and got to work 35 minutes late!

I really hope I won't get a disciplinary notice this time! Currently the weather is cloudy, 22°C but the AC is on and I'm cold. We don't even have blankets 😭

I hate how I remember it all.

The air in March tasted different… It tasted like warm soup on cold afternoons, a first kiss that felt like an anchor, and a boy who looked so much like an angel I thought he’d been sent just for me. He was the person I wanted to be around constantly, someone I loved so deeply. But it took ten days of deafening silence for my angel to call me an acquaintance. He started hiding behind the cheap poetry of "bad dreams" and a "gut feeling" because he didn’t have the courage to handle all the love I could give him.

My chest ached with a mix of rage and grief, but I chose my own survival. I erased him. I purged every digital footprint of us from every platform we were chatting on, vanishing from his life like a ghost, leaving him with nothing but a blank chat screen. I kept only four photos in a hidden folder, a private museum of who he used to be.

For the next two and a half months, I rebuilt my soul. I turned twenty two on May 11th, learned to listen to our song again without crying, and finally began to move on, even letting myself start to like someone new.

On the third of June, the weather became colder. Our eyes locked across the room, and the weight of his presence hit me hard, triggering a literal panic attack. I had to run, locking myself in a bathroom stall just to sob and catch my breath while he watched me, filled with defensive, paranoid, and ego-bruised energy. My bestie's tarot cards later revealed the messy truth: he is completely overwhelmed, trapped in his own "Seven of Swords" deceit, and foolishly trying to blame me for lying and disappearing just to save his own fragile pride.

But is it my fault that I still love him?

I don’t know….

Maybe in another life 💛

I know there might not be much people who might need this information😅 i’ll share it anyways, so I wasn’t exactly in mood to post and be active on any platform. I even deleted my instagram app so that I can focus on life, think positively and etc.

I truly appreciate the patience and support coming from my closest people. I would never imagine that I would ever call my coworkers my family, but here we are! I know, sounds kinda weird that I trust them too much and it makes me look so naive, wearing pink glasses, but trust me, I’ve experienced backstabbing, blackmailing, bullying, gaslighting, almost anything one could possibly experience at work/school, except positive things… But those people I now know and work with, they’re so different, we have almost identical experiences, struggles and worries, that’s another reason why we’re so close. Broken people trying to help and heal each other, what else makes the friendship real and strong? Also we’re quite connected to each other by gay swag lol!…

To make a long story short, I’m really grateful to these people for their love and patience and to the universe for giving me such opportunity to meet them. My love for them is growing day by day and at some point makes me want to cry my eyes out, out of happiness and sadness at the same time 😅

Thank you for your attention, I’ll continue posting asap!

Best wishes,