Goodbye Weekend

i want to buy a small sketchbook to carry around with me, i think it'd be fun to draw things i see and also good practice. if i can be bothered i'll go do that this weekend but i might have to take money out of my savings since i still need to buy a birthday gift for my friend. i want to draw my childhood bedroom from memory because i fear i will forget it and i cling onto anything linking me back to the time i lived in england.

pisses me off that theyre that close especially cause during my relationship w my ex she was weirdly obsessed w my bsf so it feels like theyve just always been a problem

and like thats my bsf im terrified shes gonna prefer my ex over me and replace me or whatever even though she told me before thats not gonna happen but idk

id love to forget my ex or even just ignore the whole situation but thats a bit hard when im constantly hearing about her

it really upsets me when my mum randomly starts going on and on about how my dad doesnt love me.

i can't just tell her to fuck off either cause she'll just turn on me instead.

i've been thinking for a while that the things she tells me (such as that no one's ever going to love me as much as her, and if all she does is complain about me, what does that say about everyone else?) influence how i perceive relationships and fuel my fears about people who should love me not actually doing so.

i think this might be why i reacted so dramatically when my ex left me, despite knowing her just over a month. she really made me feel loved and i'd managed to love her back during that time. i wanted her to prove what my mother made me believe wrong. if she could love me, everything else was going to be alright. and then she left and i felt like i'd failed and there was nothing really left for me.

this is so fun actually

even better no one fucking sees my posts BUT theyre out there

i've had two convos w one of them and now i get what its like to be the person messaging someone who cant keep the conversation going (´；ω；`)