Notes For N

This is my first time logging onto my blog in a long time (since 2013 to be precise). I’m not really sure who follows me anymore, not really sure who’s in the tcc now, not really sure if anyone writes posts like this anymore (let alone if anyone reads them)...but I wanted to write this anyway, and I hope a few tcers stumble across it.  

Out of some sort of nostalgia and boredom, I decided to scroll through my old tc blog today. Looking back, I couldn’t help but laugh. I was a very different person when I made this blog—amazingly immature, naïve, and dorky. But reading those old posts made me think about N, my old tc. Even at the height of my crush, there was a part of me that thought: I’m being silly. In a few years, I’ll look back at my “love” for N and realize how fake and immature it was. 

And now here I am, almost six years older. I’ve moved out of the town where I met N, and my life is filled with entirely different things and people, including a long-term boyfriend who I adore. But the truth is that I *still* think about N—fuck it, I still think about Jon (yes, that’s his real name). He doesn’t dominate my thoughts anymore the way he used to, but I still wonder about him. I wonder if he’s still teaching at my old school. I wonder if he still teaches with that same enthusiasm and charisma that he did back when it was his first year of teaching and I was sitting in the front row, doting on him. I wonder if he’s married, if he ever replaced that crappy Jeep he drove, if he finally found shirts that fit him. I wonder if he’s happy. I hope he is.