catty

every 2 years or so I remember Steven universe exists and go into a state of pure insanity

My favorite thing rn is to think about Steven as a college student, so I drew him doing college band stuff. Headcanons under the cut!

First of all, Steven's Dream through to That Will Be All is fucked up in itself, with Steven finally standing up for himself for the first time only to learn never to do that ever again and only worry about people other than himself, losing his dad etc. And by the way there was no narrative or plot relevant reason for Adventures in Light Distortion. They didn't need to make that episode happen, the writers could've just had the ship get to the zoo with no issues whatsoever. That episode just happened so they could traumatise Steven some more. That thing was so fucked up and just existed to remind the audience that Steven is just a child desperate to see his dad

Anyway tho, that whole arc Steven sees a lot of the consequences of Rose 'shattering' Pink Diamond, which leads nicely into Storm in the Room, where he kinda concludes that it's his life purpose to clean up the messes that Rose made: "I know you didn't want me to deal with your problems. But you're a part of me now. And I have to deal with what you left behind." That's what he says. He knows he isn't literally his mom but he believes he has to continue her 'job' in one way or another, and really treats it like a duty, not really something that you can just opt into or out of

Lion 4 is where he feels lost about what specifically he should be doing to fulfill this duty and goes searching for a sign from Rose, and his dad tries to assure him that his purpose is just to be alive but I don't think he really believes it- and then immediately we segue into the I Am My Mom arc

Steven finds out that Aquamarine is kidnapping people from the list he gave them, so that's already guilt inducing enough, but despite their best efforts to escape, even after he pretends to be My Dad to save everyone, it's still not enough and he decides to tell Aquamarine that he's Rose Quartz and he shattered Pink Diamond

In The Trial he says multiple times just how ready he is for punishment. Even after hearing Yellow talk multiple times TO HIS FACE about executing him, as well as Blue saying she'd "like to hear what [he] expects will happen and do something worse"

Because it's just a cartoon, and a kids' cartoon at that, we the audience can watch all of this and assume that something bad might happen but probably not something that bad. I mean, if Steven died, that'd kinda be the end of the show - it IS named after him

But to think about this from HIS perspective, this is a SUICIDE MISSION. And he KNOWS it. And he doesn't do anything to stop it. He himself is the one that decides to do it

I'd never really thought about it this way before, but he literally was suicidal in that arc and actively attempted to end his life because he believed that if Rose Quartz was finally dead then everyone would be better off

My interpretation of his mindset is that he never did figure out Rose's intentions behind his creation, but he did come to the conclusion that his purpose, whether Rose intended it or not, was to literally be a sacrificial lamb in order to fix everything that Rose and Pink did

You remember the Watermelon Stevens? They fought but only reconciled when their war killed the innocent baby watermelon. Like some kind of foreshadowing of how Steven would believe that conflicts could be solved. The sacrifice of an innocent child

So Steven attempts suicide but survives and comes back to Earth. Where does that get him? The episode. Fucking. Dewey. Wins. This shit disgusts and sickens me. Like in a good way..I don't hate the writers, I hate the characters. Steven went through an insanely traumatic experience in an attempt to end his own life, and then every single person in his life absolutely failed him in how they responded, even if they had good intentions

But this episode is insane 😭 Dewey starts to get some shit cuz of how he let aliens abduct people and Steven feels responsible for it so he works really hard to save Dewey's campaign. This poor kid. Was 14 years old. Just attempted suicide. And got Lars killed and trapped in space. He just. Wants. To have something. That he feels. In. Control. Of. He loses sleep and puts so much of himself into this campaign that goes NOWHERE and NO ONE acknowledges his efforts and DEWEY TREATS HIM LIKE SHIT 😭 HE TELLS HIM IT WAS HIS FAULT AND WHEN HE CHANGES HIS MIND ABOUT THE CAMPAIGN HE DOESNT EVEN APOLOGISE TO STEVEN FOR MAKING HIM GO THROUGH ALL OF THAT ONLY TO JUST GIVE UP

Like oh my god 😭 my boy just wanted to feel in control. You couldn't even give him that peace of mind. But the whole episode just happens to make Steven realise why Connie feels betrayed. Which. Is kiiiiiind of justified? She's also a child and her best friend did just attempt suicide. But she can feel betrayed and traumatised WITHOUT treating Steven like actual shit

And then Greg and the gems. Greg does actually help but only AFTER he realises that Steven has a human issue. Really, the amount of time Greg has spent around the gems, he should really stop running away from gem topics. But I think it's the gems who convinced him that he's useless tbh

The gems.....they tried. Steven attempted suicide and went through insane trauma because of it - not only that but he was 14 years old: it makes sense that his brain would push down thoughts and feelings about the trauma, and instead focus on things it has some control over. The pain is very fresh in his mind, too harmful to be consciously aware of just yet

They had a go at talking about Homeworld. They were conscious of his resistance to talking about it and I guess that was nice of them. Why not take him to a therapist tho honestly. If it's difficult for them to understand how to approach trauma, LITERALLY just FIND OUT. Legit..

And then he talks to Lapis and Peridot who IGNORE him when he tries to talk about his relationship with Connie, then he has to go and do even more damage control of how OTHER PEOPLE feel about his run in with the Diamonds after HE attempted suicide. Lapis fucking abandons everyone and then the next episode centers on him trying to cheer up Peridot who's now living in his bathroom.....

This show was so ahead of its time honestly. Why was there so much shit reviews of it? The writers do such a good job of portraying trauma and parentification, and how the people who love you can have the best intentions but still fuck you up far worse than anyone else can

Honestly hindsight is 20/20 with this thing. If I had one wish, I'd raise the age rating of SU so it could make Steven even more fucked up and we could see more interesting portrayals of mental illness akin to Bojack Horseman in Future. Diane's good damage monologue comes to mind and something like that would be so cool to see with Steven

The last time she'd been in that hospital with Steven, she'd gotten her first glimpse behind the curtain of his life. She knew it could be dangerous, but she vowed to keep an open mind about everything. He meant the world to Connie, and he always made sure she came back safe and sound.

But now, she's being forced to stay as professional as she can as she realizes just how little she knew.

The kid had never been to a doctor. He'd broken over half his bones at least once. When she asked about traumatic childhood memories, she expected something like a particular monster attack or when the diamonds crashed Garnet's wedding, not the seemingly endless string of horror he called "just early stuff!"

God, he didn't even get to the incident in the hospital. Just what else had this poor kid been through?

And then she finds out something major happened between them that Connie never mentioned. After all, she only promised to stop lying to them about things. She never promised to tell them everything.

If she still hasn't been telling them everything, how much has she been through that she never brought up? If Steven can heal her without leaving a trace, how often did he need to? She doesn't have powers like he does, she's only human. For all they know, her skeleton could have just as many fractures as his. It's not like you need an x-ray at every check-up. If she came home without a scratch, would she have even mentioned if she got hurt?