My Nemesis

I feel from my spirit

The most important thing is to base, to rest and grow in that awareness that God loves you. It’s so important. To rest until you’re fully aware you’re Gods beloved. When that sense kicks in , it makes everything so much easier. 

But then I rest, basically did nothing much, game a bit and watch some random video’s on YouTube, wait for God to ease my conscience. But it doesn’t happen. And I start to doubt and am a little frustrated it’s not working and I’m wasting valuable time with nothing. 

So did I sense wrongly. 

Then I’m like, whatever. Move on and try to catch up on what I was focused to do with the time left of the day. It doesn’t make sense to me, this process.

 Why does that sense of supernatural peace and love that I used to experience when I rested in God, doesn’t kick in? Holy Spirit can you help me? 

I am a clueless about this. 

“Nervousness or anxiety felt before one attempts to do something.”

Yes I do have this, going from doing it my way, which is a more intellectual approach to doing it Gods way. Which I have no clue about what’s going to happen, but it includes reasoning a lot less, and just stepping out and moving forward, and things will get more clear as I go. I’m doing this at times, but then start getting anxious after a while and start questioning what I’m doing. Having ‘cold feet’, that’s what I had to think about in this process. You’re having cold feet, and that’s why you find it difficult to adjust. It’s normal.

For Fay:

You are an inspiration. 

He is my loving Father. Not the stern teacher, that I have favor with if I do my homework well, but once I fail to submit, I lost his favor. This is something I experienced in my college days, having a French teacher that was always friendly to me until one time I did not submit my homework and afterwards I seemed to have lost his sympathy towards me. No my dad does not want a teacher, student relationship, but a father to son one.

It’s simple maybe, but it’s taken me years to realize in my heart. And I’m still adjusting. You know God is good and loving somewhere in your mind, but it’s not up to your brain clockwork to know that, but it needs to land in your heart.

A father son relationship. You learn to be a son, by being fathered. No homework to submit. No essays to write, equations to solve.

I’m writing this watching football. And kinda, not ‘thinking’ too much, I realise more things. I can actually enjoy watching the match more, knowing there’s nothing I have to do or catch up with towards God. I don’t know if you understand, but for me it’s really been an issue. Where spirituality rather feels like a homework assignment I feel pressed to do, often rather procrastinate but inwardly will feel anxious for the coming deadline and the lack of effort made to finish it. Where it’s not feeling like a spontaneous relationship, being aware I’m loved. Letting the spirit work out the ‘assignments’ through me.

I didn’t ask you to create a million formula’s for spiritual enhancement.

My grace is sufficient, meaning: Rest in my grace. And boast in your infirmities: meaning, share about your weaknesses and give me some honor points. That’ll be a better way mate.

Me: Oh righty! That makes sense. The more I sweat to my way out of the maze, the more I find myself feeling rejected and disillusioned.