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Here is a snippet from a fic where I was prompted Dazai and Chuuya’s first mission! I should be editing it and publishing it soon:
He isn’t a dog. He is certainly not stupid.
Because he isn’t stupid, he can see that Dazai doesn’t quite hate him as much as he says he does. Dazai is fascinated. Chuuya can tell in the way Dazai looks at him sometimes like something he can use (like some kind of experiment he’s conducting) and it makes his stomach churn because he wants to be useful, but on his terms. Not because Dazai decided he was useful. Chuuya can decide his own usefulness.
Dazai keeps his distance at first. After being taken from the beach with a knife in his back that he wants to stab Dazai with and poison coursing through his veins, the next time Chuuya sees Dazai is in passing in the hallway of one of the Port Mafia’s skyscrapers. There’s another, younger kid with Dazai who looks a bit lost and scared. As they pass each other, Chuuya feels Dazai’s gaze on him and he turns to look back so that they lock eyes.
The look is fleeting enough that it’s only that — them looking at each other, observing. Chuuya hopes that Dazai will stay with Mori and that kid and do whatever it is that annoying smart kids do. He’s fine training with Kouyou even if learning proper fighting technique hurts, and even if Golden Demon stabs him more often than he’d like to admit.
He still refuses to use his fists on anyone but Dazai, but he won’t hesitate to use them on Kouyou’s Ability or anything that isn’t alive, like walls. The training area gets destroyed that way, but the Mafia apparently has money to build it back up over and over again so it looks like Chuuya was never there at all.
So I was going to post some background details about my BSD figure skating au here and in looking for my post from last year about that AU I found a whole post about a figure skating winter Olympics AU for Haikyuu from four years ago. I completely forgot up until this moment that I ever did anything with figure skating for Haikyuu, and then Ama asked if there was anything I would change looking back, so I decided to take a look at this and see if I would. I haven't written for Haikyuu in a long time but who knows? I've gone back to some old fandoms occasionally and it isn't like I'm not still a fan of Haikyuu. I'm just bad at writing for more than one fandom at a time. The original post in its entirety is here.
So first off, I didn't make everyone figure skaters. Only three of them are, and they're all setters.
The first one is Kageyama:
Kageyama is the new genius on the block. All his routines are pretty much technically flawless, though his artistry lacks a bit. But he’s one of the few men’s figure skaters who can make a quad look effortless, and he’s always always always doing the hardest routine out of anyone competing. He’s the favorite for gold, he’s won the last two national championships and the last world championship. But he’s easily angered and sometimes he can overdo it, which leads to more artistic mistakes in his program, like getting ahead or behind the music, or ignoring the music completely and just doing the moves. Think Yuzuru Hanyu (who won Sochi gold and broke several points records.)
I would not change this. One thing I would say is that Yuzuru Hanyu is (obviously) a lot more artistically inclined, but in terms of determination and ambition Kageyama would be like Yuzuru, considering Yuzuru is the most driven and ambitious skater I can think of to the point of trying to skate past injury. He's gotten better about it (Yuzuru), but it's taken him years to get to a place where he can do that. Kageyama would also take years to calm the fuck down. That being said Yuzuru isn't without mistakes, particularly when he's decided to skate with an injury or when unwell, which I think is something Kageyama would do.
Next was Suga:
Sugawara has been in this slightly longer than Kageyama. They actually train together, and while Suga provides calming support for Kageyama, what Kageyama doesn’t know is that Suga almost quit after Kageyama started training with him. It was a combination of figure skating being an isolating sport (and Suga needs people) and seeing how good Kageyama was and getting scared that he’d never surpass him. He’d come in third during the last two nationals and didn’t even place above fifth at worlds. But he has Daichi to encourage him, and now he’s more determined than ever to do his best. Because he didn’t spend all those years training to just give up. Suga seems to know everyone who’s ever set foot on an ice rink in Japan, and he’s pretty much friends with all of them. Or polite to all of them. Some of them are his competition, even though they’re on the same team, and that’s a lot to wrap his mind around. Suga’s skating style is not perfect technically–he struggles with quads and other jumps when he gets flustered–but his artistry wins over crowds and judges alike. Think Jason Brown (this year’s US Champion!)
I agree with this fully. I think Suga would skate like Jason Brown, and I think the way figure skating is him and Kageyama's relationship to each other would make sense. There is so much focus on technical content with regards to jumps that people like Jason Brown have struggled in the past few years, with others surpassing them with those quads in terms of points. But this year's change in rules has highlighted how valuable it is to execute your elements well so that people like Jason shine over people with quads who make a lot of mistakes or sacrifice some artistry in their programs because of those quads. Anyway, Suga would be that person, and like Jason he has a really positive personality!
And then there was Oikawa, the last figure skater in this AU:
Oikawa is a born and bred champion, or so he tells himself. He acts like it, though, and he has the talent to back it up. He’s intense, spends long hours practicing, and takes Kageyama’s genius as a personal challenge. He resents coming in second in the last two national championships to Kageyama, and third in the last world championships to Kageyama’s first. They also have a deep seated rivalry from when Oikawa beat Kageyama at Junior Worlds years ago, and they both put too much importance on that one event. His skill level is somewhere between Kageyama and Sugawara. Oikawa is really good at getting inside the heads of his opponents. His favorite way to piss off Kageyama is by going up to him and saying, “But we’re on the same team Tobio-chan. Be nice to meee!” He’s also really good at charming the judges, and he excels at navigating the politics of the sport. Think Evan Lysacek (2010 Olympic Gold)
I haven't watched Evan Lysacek anything since then I don't think, so if I had to compare him to someone more recent it would probably be Nathan Chen. Oikawa is the guy who would go to a top university AND try to skate at the elite level AND still win gold at the major competitions. In terms of being like both, Oikawa would value being a technical expert over the more artistic aspects of the sport. His personality wouldn't be like either one of them aside from his drive and charm.
Hinata was a speed skater. I don't know anything about speed skating but here is what I wrote:
Hinata, who’s a speed-skater. He’s really really fast but he has an issue with balance and falling and crashing into walls. But if he can control that, he can probably get gold. Hinata has a weird rivalry with Kageyama because they train in the same ice skating complex and challenged each other to a race once. Hinata accidentally crashed into Kageyama at high speed and nearly caused both of them season-ending injuries. He insists that he would’ve won that race, but Kageyama insists that Hinata is useless at his sport if he can’t even beat a figure skating at speed skating. Hinata has vowed to win a gold Olympic medal before Kageyama.
I'm down with that I think. I'm sure there are figure skaters Hinata would be like and honestly he'd probably be a really great jumper but I like him as a speed skater because I like the idea that he and Kageyama are in completely different disciplines and yet are still rivals.
Everyone else was hockey players because despite not knowing a thing about hockey I decided that they should be. I guess I didn't want to lose the team aspect of Haikyuu because that's part of what makes it so good. Daichi is still the team captain and he's a goalie. Nishinoya plays defense if that's even a position -- whether or not it is, it's what he's good at. Asahi scores the most goals, but more gently than you'd think was possible. I have no idea which ship I was going for with this but given what I was writing at the time, it was probably a Suga ship and probably either daisuga and oisuga.
It's funny to think that I was already thinking of figure skating au's four years ago, back when I first got into figure skating, and then completely forgot that I had done that. It's interesting to see what I was thinking back then, and it's also nice that two of those three skaters are still really active and successful.
This is why reader engagement for fics is so important. Like, I don’t expect it for irl projects because they aren’t put out there or if they are, it’s to a very specific audience and the whole point is usually so that they’ll critique it, which has been most of my experience. I have been in the situation where something was out there for people to enjoy and people engaged with mine less than others and that hurt, but that doesn’t happen as often and there’s usually large chunks of time between works being put out for everyone to consume.
But with fic every piece of work you put out there is there with the intention that people will consume it and engage with it rather than critique it, and because fics and fic updates are published much more often, it’s more noticeable when people don’t react. It’s also easier to compare because it’s easy to see how other authors in your fandom get more comments or more asks about their fics on social media or more people talking to them about their fics in servers or other places online. That’s what upsets me about my fic situation, because I easily can see those things and see what is lacking in my experience and then wonder what’s wrong with my writing.
It makes me not want to publish or write, but I can’t stop writing. I’m terrible at following through on original content but there’s never been a point where I’ve not been writing something, whether it’s fanfic or original stuff. And I can’t go off social media because not only are all my friends accessible on there and not irl (thanks, life) but even job networking is done that way. Companies for jobs I’m applying to want to see that you know how to use social media effectively.
And then, this ties in with friends, but being unemployed I don’t have much else to keep myself from focusing on my inadequacy. So while fandom and social media is making me feel like an inadequate writer which makes me feel like an inadequate person, it also provides a distraction from the same thing on the same sites. It’s just impossible to separate the two. I’ve tried and getting certain people or things off any timeline is very very hard.
I’m lucky in that even if people don’t engage a lot with my fics or they do sporadically but not as much or as consistently as with other people in the fandom, they do engage. But, I still get fics with one comment, or fics with very few. Longfics can be the worst. I’m upset about my latest update because I was excited about it and other people released fics at the same time and theirs got a lot more engagement both on ao3 and off, in servers and on ALL my social media.
But my fic didn’t. It got five comments (which is kind of quiet when the average for later chapters is 8) and one of those comments was a weird judgemental one. I appreciate what I do get but I am terrible at comparing myself to others and placing my self-worth on how people react to things I do, because I use it as a measure of how useful I am.
This was a very long way of saying I’m still upset a week later and other people keep updating fics or posting fics with more engagement and that’s great but I also feel shitty for it and don’t want to post the thing I have ready to post.
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I have a thing ready to post and I don’t even want to post it. It’s just when a chapter of a long thing flops and that thing is something you’ve invested a lot of time in and have been planning for a while it makes it difficult to find the motivation to post anything else.
I posted that yesterday about being discouraged about lack of engagement and then someone commented on my fic today with a weird comment -_- I love not being excited about my fics after being excited about them!
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True discouragement is looking at the stats of the fics/updates posted on the same day of your update and seeing how much higher they are and how many more people engaged with those fics and engage with those authors in general but not wanting to complain because you’ve been told off for it before and it’s been implied you don’t know how the creative process works (bullshit)
And then realizing it’s because the worlds/situations of your fics aren’t as engaging as the others and you aren’t as engaging as a person and THAT is why you’ve failed in everything you wanted to accomplish
Aka when fic writing causes an existential crisis about your entire life
More of the blanket box questions! Took me long enough!
We all have a "type"-- of character, plot, theme-- what is yours?
That's a good question. I think I like to write a lot about introspective stories where characters are dealing with some part of themselves or some relationship they have that's causing them pain. Identity issues, trying to heal, things like that. Types of characters tend to be characters who have a lot to come to terms with about themselves and with other people.
What's your favorite genre to read?
I think right now it would sci-fi/mystery. Things that keep my attention, basically, because my attention span is not high.
Your favorite genre to write?
Um...drama I guess?
How do you conduct your authorial research?
I am TERRIBLE at research. Again, I don't have the attention span for it so I look up a bunch of things, take some notes, and never come back to it. I think the best research for me would be research by doing but that isn't possible most of the time. Like, if I wanted to research a city chances are I can't go to that city to see how it's like. If something requires a lot of reading or watching things, I fail at that. Chances are that if I'm going into a lot of detail about something, it's 'back-research' or something I've already read a lot about out of my own interest and I happen to be able to use it for a fic.
What does your editing (gasp) process look like?
I like to write everything out first before editing, even if it sucks. If it does suck, editing looks like an almost complete rewrite with huge chunks of the story deleted, after which I'll let it sit for a while and come back to it. Most stuff I write, I leave to sit for a bit and then come back to edit it. Editing is generally looking for typos, making sure that the sentences make sense, and making sure that things flow well, as well as filling in any gaps that end up in the story.
Editing longer things is slightly different and requires a lot of back-and-forth to make sure I don't leave out details, repeat details, or get things wrong that I've already written about earlier in the story. Even when I take notes, I still forget a lot of stuff, so it takes longer to make sure everything in the story is accurate.
A snippet from one of today’s projects, from a Mafia Yosano au I’m working on:
“Is your partner that good at combat?” Yosano asked.
“The best,” Dazai said, but he didn’t sound proud. He sounded upset. “He can pretty much defeat anyone, but that’s all he’s good for. He’s a dog that I order around.”
Dazai was a strange person. Yosano thought that his eyes looked empty at times, but he seemed to brighten up around her. Still, she could tell being in the Mafia had taken its toll.
“So he’s the one killing people?” she asked.
“I do, too,” Dazai said. “Just in a different way. I’m not only useful for one thing. I have many uses, all of which Mori-san figured out when he met me. That’s why he tricked me into joining.” He leaned towards her. “Did you know how Mori-san became the Boss?”
“He was sick,” Yosano said. “He died from his sickness.” She’d never been allowed to treat him, and because it was an illness she never questioned it.
Dazai smiled wide. “Mori slit his throat. He had me watch.”
Yosano stared at him. There was something in his eyes that wasn’t just emptiness, although the emptiness was not far away. A spark of anger, maybe, or fear. Dazai looked oddly young in that moment and oddly hollow at the same time, and she realized it was because he was a kid told to keep a very big secret. That secret, which he could never forget, was the thing keeping him tied to the Mafia.
“You see now, don’t you,” Dazai said. “He does this, you know. Makes it so that you can’t say no. The Mafia might have been interesting at one point, might have given me something that I wanted, but now that I know it doesn’t, I can’t escape. Neither can you. He has too much over us.”
Yosano couldn’t look away.
“He’s teaching me to do the same,” Dazai said, “and I’m rather good at it. I helped bring my partner into the Mafia in the same way, by making it so that there was no other choice. Oddly enough, he doesn’t hate the Mafia, probably because he’s an idiot.”
That last statement broke the spell Dazai seemed to cast on the room.
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Does anybody else get ‘ugly block’ more often than writer’s block? Where you want to write, you know what to write, and you have the time to write, but everything you put down on that paper is just ugly as all sin.
The words don’t fit together and your flow is off and your vocabulary feels cheap and you’re just completely convinced that all your good writing from the past was a fluke that you’ll never be able to replicate. It’s soul crushing.
Honestly, I’d take a million doses of writer’s block to completely eradicate ugly block.
To all the hardworking, mind-clogged, beautiful writers out there
Please, for the love of Odin, don’t ever compare your work others. I spent a lot of the time in my first couple of years bringing myself down because I would consistently compare my writing style to a lot of other amazing authors! Yeah, It helped me realize that I needed to work harder at my style, but in the end it only made me stress and hate and frown upon myself BECAUSE OF IT. So, please, don’t compare – the story is YOURS. You wrote it. Be proud of what you created!
|| This needed to be said. I feel like the young authors out there need to know that it’s okay to start out bleh, it’s okay to be the rookie writer because you’ll always come back from that. I did and so can YOU. ||
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