mom and the weight of the world
I haven’t wrote anything in forever. I kinda scroll back and read all those stuff I wrote and I’m surprised how much I have change. I used to see life and love in a different light. a lot of thing happened but to sum it all, I’m not in love now and haven’t been in a very long time. I did get my hard lesson about love, it was pretty bitter but I survive and still trying to survive till today. it crosses my mind to delete a posts regarding my past self but upon reading it I realize that I would love to read and see my mind progressing throughout the years.
A lot of things change but some remains, and one of those things is how I always hated to be a mom. my niece was born on December 25,2021. Her name is Brielle. she is cute like any baby, but she is also annoying like any baby. Brielle presence make me reflect on many things in my life. I started to question why I hated to be a mom so much. is it because the mother figure I have? sadly I believe that’s one of the reason why.
disclaimer, my mom is not a bad horrible mom but she is pretty toxic. I’m not gonna hold her accountable for everything in our relationship because in the end of the day she is a normal person that just happen to be my mom.
She is one of those person who would never admit to their mistakes, not always just mistake that would threaten her authority as a parent. I always hated her for this trait, mostly because she always put the blame on me. no matter what I do or how I do it I’m always wrong and she is of course always right. It’s difficult to hate a family member because in the end of the day you will just forgive them for the sake of being a family. then I notice that this is a pretty toxic cycle, I wouldn’t say that I love my mom as per say, but I dislike her a lot most of the time. One of the worst things about this is I know my mom also feel the same way about me, but I could be wrong so take it with a grain of salt. At times she seems confuse as to how she suppose to treat me. she buys me stuff I like and we enjoy each other company but if we spend too much time together then it bound yo turn into an explosions of fight and argument.
I won’t write myself as the saint here because I too aware that my response toward all this are pretty ugly. I can’t help but talk back at her, the urge to put this woman at her place is overwhelming, when arguing I don’t see her as my mom, I see her as this mad woman screaming her face red to defense her flawed argument. Most of the time she is angrier if she is wrong. I would yell back things like “ yes mom sorry I should’ve not care at all, Gosh my bad “ with those condescending tone. my mom’s face would turn beet red and she would yell “ get out of my house you bitch! don’t eat my food and stay out of my sight”
yes pretty extreme but she does call me names a lot and now I can say I’m pretty numb to it. in fact every time she calls me name I feel a little wiggling joy in my heart like “ look at you screaming at your daughter like this, if anyone is watching I may be a rude daughter, but you’ll be a bad mom and that’s worst than anything “ I know having thinking that thought is messed up, but I find power in that. with this little messed up mindset I let go of a couple argument, sometimes I just sit and took all her yelling and screaming with no fight.
I do not see myself as better than her, because I do realize that obviously my behavior frustrate her and tick her. It’s just I kept thinking that whatever is her actual problem why you gotta scream of others like that ? despite all this toxicity and madness I still wanted to make her happy, provided her with a great life where she can finally rest. Maybe then she will be less angry.
one of the best option I have is to leave this house and be my own person, we can love each other still and minus all the crazy fighting. maybe we just can’t stand seeing each other. so yea I don’t want to be a mom because I sure as hell don’t want to find out that my children secretly write a tumblr post about how toxic I am as a mom,lol
