Cath

We as a fandom don't discuss Ianto's role in the universe enough.

🎶i should have known it was strange

you only come out at night🎵

vampirate king Ed for your dash today 🫣 (original sketches under the cut

But I was thinking: AU where they’re BOTH the oversharer, in slightly different ways, and everyone is still completely oblivious to the fact that they’re married.

Aziraphale is an English professor who will not tell you anything about his personal life, unless you get him on the subject of his husband, in which case he will talk your ear off for three hours about how sweet and clever Anthony is. (And how beautiful his plants are, and how much effort he puts into taking care of his greenhouse, and which episodes of the Golden Girls he likes best…) Students in his Shakespeare class could tell you which of Shakespeare’s plays are Anthony’s favorites, in order, with explanations for each one, although they could not tell you which ones Aziraphale himself likes. They do not know anything about Aziraphale’s day-to-day life, but they know about a variety of the dates Anthony has taken him on, and what Anthony did for their last anniversary. They know that Anthony used to work as an architect (and then briefly as a nanny). They are all under the impression that ‘Anthony’ is some sweet florist.

Crowley, meanwhile, is an astronomy professor who overshares everything, completely at random. (Like he’ll drop a detail about his personal life in the middle of telling you how to calculate orbital velocities, and then barrel on with his lecture while you’re trying to process the information that his parents kicked him out of the house for questioning their religion? Was he raised in a cult?) His students are aware that he’s married; he wears a wedding ring and he occasionally says things like “… although maybe I’m not one to talk, given that I proposed to my husband three times before he said yes. A bit of advice: if you’re both pretty sure the world as you know it is about to end, it might not be the right time to propose.” His students are privy to the strangest collection of information about his husband (has been to jail, once nearly died in a burning building, favorite Shakespeare play is Hamlet, loves crepes, the crepes thing and the jail thing might be related but nobody’s ever been able to figure out the story there), but if they ask him anything directly, he tends to clam up and give monosyllabic answers. His TAs/students who’ve had him for several classes know that he clams up because he gets all blushy when he talks about his husband, and he can’t be doing that while trying to intimidate the freshmen, but even then, the most they’ve been able to get out of him is his personal rendition of that John Mulaney “my wife is a bitch and I love her so much” sketch. Which gives them a good idea of the husband’s personality but is short on identifying information. 

So as far as 90% of the school is aware, Aziraphale is a sweet, scatterbrained English professor who’s married to an equally sweet florist, and Crowley is a deeply intimidating astronomy professor married to an equally intimidating person (whose profession they do not know, despite how much else they know about him, leading some of them to believe he’s involved in organized crime).

The students who’ve been with each of them a while know that Aziraphale’s more of a bastard then he lets on and Crowley is, deep down, very sweet. However, there’s very little overlap between “English majors” and “astronomy majors,” so the students who’ve put together the truth about Aziraphale still tend to accept Crowley at face value, and vice versa.

And then some freshman English major who’s taking Crowley’s intro to astronomy for the science credit catches the two of them together in Aziraphale’s office. At first glance, it’s perfectly innocent- Aziraphale’s sitting in his desk chair and Crowley’s looking at something on his computer screen over his shoulder. But then Crowley drapes himself over Aziraphale’s shoulders in a way that most people don’t do with their co-workers. And Aziraphale reaches up like he’s going to brush him off, but instead he cups his cheek in one hand and leans in to kiss him-

And the poor student tries to flee and walks straight into the doorframe. At which point Crowley and Aziraphale notice they’re being watched and immediately fling themselves to opposite ends of the room. (A few years prior, some of their more homophobic co-workers found out about their relationship and tried to get them fired. The mess was cleared up, but old habits die hard).

Given that suspicious reaction, the student leaves Aziraphale’s office and immediately tells all their friends that Professor Fell and Professor Crowley are cheating on their spouses… with each other.

No one believes them. It’s ludicrous, after all, they’re both clearly in love with their husbands, and there’s no way on earth the two of them would get along with each other…

And then another student notices them leaving the English building together, glancing carefully over their shoulders to see if anyone notices (old habits die hard). And someone else catches them holding hands at the local coffee shop. And someone else sees them both getting into Crowley’s car in the staff parking lot at like, 9pm, and where would they be going that late???

And the rumor spirals. The staff find out about it, and they think it’s hilarious. (Someone definitely overhears Professor Nutter saying “I hear you’re cheating on Anthony, you monster,” to Aziraphale, and does not realize that her tone doesn’t match her words at all. The rumor spirals further.) 

Crowley and Aziraphale think it’s hilarious that they are apparently cheating on each other with each other. (They’re also a little offended that a bunch of people think they would cheat on each other). They consider trying to keep up the ruse that they’re cheating, then consider waiting it out and seeing how long it’ll take for the school at large to figure out that they’re married.

Before either of those plans get off the ground, they stumble upon a group of students who’re clearly gossiping about them while on their way out of work one day. The students stop talking (not quickly enough, Crowley and Aziraphale very clearly heard “he just sounds so soppy whenever he talks about his husband, I can’t believe he’d actually-”). There is a brief staredown. 

When asked “how did you meet your husband?” Aziraphale says, “Oh, we happened to run into each other a couple of times, and I really enjoyed talking to him, so eventually I asked him out to dinner. It was the first time he had oysters!”

If asked the same thing, Crowley says, “He caught me breaking into a botanical garden. It was love at first sight.”

I really like how the scientology speedrunning trend is developing, in this clip we see that the participants are

Not deterred by the closed door

Working as a group

Protecting their identities

Inflicting material costs to the institution via property destruction

Getting away at the end