catch!

it’s almost 1 month after daddy’s death and he left me forever. he died on 25 october 2015, 11 days after his birthday on 14 oct 2015, 10 days after he was being unconscious at icu on 16 oct 2015 morning. i count it down to 10 days, because it was early morning.

here we go...

14 october.....it was a free day. at night, he was calling to my phone and asking where were i and then why didn’t i call him or ask how is he. he was angry. i said, i was hanging out and busy on my middle exam and having a little problem. we talked then we argued. he turn off the conversation. i forgot that day was his birthday.

15 october...it was my last middle exams. at 9 pm, he called me through phone and said if he have sent us some money. we talked like used to before. i didn’t tell him if tomorrow, i would go to bogor to get lost in there. when he said he have sent me some money, i think “thats good i can refreshing and also use that money”.

16 october...my adventure to bogor my friend and i went from my house at 6.30. she picked me up by motor. it was crazy, i thought. after asked a permission from my mom, so we trooped off. 3 hours to get there, my cellphone’s battery was low. so i don’t know any information. we arrived at 9 o’clock. i borrowed my friend’s powerbank then i saw my phone. fuck no! a bad news! my cousin told me if my mom was crying because of my dad suddenly fall down and he was at a hospital. i called my dad’s phone, but my dad’s coworker answered it and said if my father in ugd. then i told him to bring my father to icu. without any ‘cocot’, we came home. so we just spend our time in a road. holyshit. my mom go to bangka as soon.

i didn’t know what should i do. i did such a thing called ‘pelarian’. on 17 october, i attended to gkisc’ meeting at samanhudi in the morning. and join a little surprise for feli at kranggan in the daylight to afternoon.

woah my whole lifes are so messy. my mind, my heart, my emotion.

10 days, i didn’t get any information from mom. she wouldn’t tell me because it could make me sad and make her sad. until my dad was on a critical stage.

when my dad was death, it was Sunday. me, after did a Sunday service as song leader. i’ve dreamed it before. i was on my way by gojek to rs fatmawati. he would be taken care in rs fatmawati from rs timah, bangka. i really really on my way. outside the home. in a way... and my mom called my phone, she said “u don’t need to go to rs fatmawati. dad has gone”. i got no word to say. so i came home so soon. i didn’t know who is a person should be told. randomly, i called ci ity through phone.

it was the most heartbreaking part in my life...

the effects...

i do my life like a zombie without brain, feel, emotion. suddenly, i feel angry to myself. i am afraid to go out from home. i am afraid to smoke, drink, suck. now, i love to sleep. i can sleep for 20 hours. i can not awake more than 5 hours.  and i stop to pray. i stop to go to church. i stop to meet people in a rush. i stop to care. i stop to talk to other people. i stop to smile. i stop to laugh. i become so uncommunicative right now. i hide all of what i feel, like it also die.

but i realized, God loves my father than i. when my dad on a critical stage, i didn’t pray or ask God to keep my dad alive. i choose to watch film. i choose to cry. i choose to shut people away. i choose to go to some places. i choose to hang out alone there.

now i’m trying to rebuild my life. i’m trying to pray again. you know, at least i am trying.