😎

step two: contort absolutely all stimuli in my environment to relate to the my wound in some manner, ideally one which justifies random acts of unbridled aggression and vengeance

Oh! This is Ruben, my – my brother.

he is this ultramasculine, straight passing, aggressive lad - one of the boys really, not mimicking masculinity but effortlessly exuding it (a far cry from the pale mimicry that a lot of queer men feel is the only thing they can muster, no matter how masc or butch they present themselves as.)

and yet this presence is completely warped around niall. he is a protector, he comes when he is called, he performs for niall the explosive violence that niall himself is incapable or unwilling of. he is imminently desirable and initiates niall sexually.

this is such a seductive fantasy for so many queer men. especially those who struggled with loneliness and bullying growing up. the handsome, masculine figure who will protect and take care of you, and also desire and have sex with you.

the intoxicating rush that you - through your appearance or demeanor or some invisible quality - managed to wrap this bastion of heterosexuality around your finger. and throughout it all he desires no other man but you. he might fool around with girls (you might like it if he does so; it only makes him manlier and, in the end, they are only props in your fantasy), but he is not emasculated by a homosexual desire beyond the bounds of your relationship. and he comes back to you, always. there is something you can give him.

not to be too vulnerable but since this is a richard gadd show, I can admit that this is a fantasy I indulged in often as a teen, and it has colored both the kind of men I'm attracted to, and created many toxic expecations in how I'd like an ideal relationship to look like. as a young man I was so scared and alone, so viciously bullied for being both fat and feminine, and in my daydreams I pictured a character like ruben so clearly that gadd might as well have plucked him from my brain.