Sick. Sad (Happy). World.

I just want to be happy.

Windows cracked ajar. My home was left exposed. Meaningless men with bad intentions. I met him in the summer, but the fear of the past trapped me and we dissolved.

Nothing can be lonelier than never truly knowing who you really are.

It scares me a lot. Being seen. Being heard. Being cared about deeply. I don’t know when I first realized it, but I can say for certain that the recognizing hasn’t made the fear any less intense. When I experience that level of intimacy, I often run. If I don’t run, I get angry. Then they run. And I’m safe again.

I stay for you. As painful as it is.

Sensitive to noise, but not quite aware enough of emotions. Logical and wise and willing to compromise for peace. Scotch in eccentric glasses and a chess table near his side. Humble and calm and hardly ever seen distressed. To emulate him is something I aspire.

She hid behind the lavish car she could only dream of owning. She was afraid to be seen by me. Why? She feared the judgement, the stigma, the shame. But work is work just the same. The news of the eviction drove her to a desperate place. She now became consumed with the monetary chase. Cold, sad and hungry she looked. As I drove past her and took a second look. Life changes our direction sometimes.

"Hey" I said three years later. As if you had been waiting all this time for that moment. I suggested we talked about the way things had ended but only got radio silence. I don’t know what I expected, really. I thought I saw on instagram that you had a kid of your own now. You must finally be in love. I'm sure if I hadn’t had a fifth I wouldn’t have even tried. I had figured out before then that I had been a side. I need to learn to leave the past alone before it destroys the path in front of me. I hope you are well. I truly mean that. Someday I will have what you have for real this time.

Hot breath down my neck. You felt so powerful. I was in the lair. The dungeon of despair. The white walls stared back at me as the creature paraded its larger than life wings. There was no escape from its grasp as the flames would only devour me in its attempt. It regained its strength from my weakness. And my identity faltered. I learned to stay away from dragons.