Casper

‘Casper that’s crazy.’ Alastair laughed. The waiter came over for their drink order and Alastair asked for a pint of beer - he found he was drinking more of it lately. Maybe it was the whole Aspen stuff. ‘Sometimes you just need your own space. As long as you keep in touch that’s all that matters. A text here and there, you know? Don’t let it get to you.’

Aspen sobbed a little more before finally calming down and leaning against her brother as he comforted her. “I.. I’m really happy about it.. Terrified, Elated.. I don’t know..” she mumbled and licked her bottom lip now salty with tears. 

“I want to keep it, of course I do. I think.. I really want it..” she whispered and looked at him finally pulling away..”I haven’t told dad yet, I’m too scared too.. I don’t want him to be disappointed.”

“Busy job would be the easy explanation.” She laughed “I’m a surgical resident at New York Pres.” it was said proudly. She frowned, the poor kid. “It sucks.. I know it sucks.. But.. I’m new here.. Kind of.. Just under a yea but like..  my life has changed, so much… so so much. I’ve lost people, I gained people but.. It’s all apart of life… Part of who makes me me.. The buildup? You know?” it made sense to her but she could have just been chatting shit.

“You seriously think that’s oversharing. Cute.”

“Yeah yeah yeah, I know you’ve always secretly hated me,” Evie teased. Of course, she knew that she wasn’t the kind of right winger he was referring to. “Is he like that? Or is he a bit more like me?  Secretive only works if it’s what you want. Like for me. If it’s not what you  want then it doesn’t work.” Then she gasped, “You deleted Grindr? Wow, you are a changed man.”

“I imagine once I meet the right person and do all that family stuff then I’ll know. I wouldn’t want to have kids without being part of a happy relationship, you know? Make my family like how it was growing up.” Pax nodded, reaching forward for his glass to hide the sudden but subtle shake of his hands. “Yeah, I am. Identical, here,” he pulled his phone out of his pocket and slid it towards Casper. His lock screen was a picture he and Rusty had taken after their first non-accidental drag show. It was the only picture they had together as adults where they looked happy.

Casper nodded, he completely understood what the other was saying and he definitely respected that mindset. “I understand” he nodded, “Better to raise them when you’re ready and in a happy and loving environment.” Casper smiled when the other showed him, and was shocked “God, you two do look alike. You might know my Sister, Aspen. She’s on Broadway, but if not here’s a picture” he showed the other, “I don’t have many. To be honest most of the photo’s on my phone are of my cat.”

‘A 35 year old Grandma?’ Alastair raised an eyebrow. How was that even possible?  ‘Wow… well at least I’m not 35. Then I’d really be concerned.’ There was still concern there, slight disappointment but some excitement too, he supposed. He just needed to get used to the idea. 

‘You’re going to be an Uncle, though. You’ll be the fun one I’m sure. The one where the kid comes to you and asks you for help - like your Uncle is for you guys.’

“Casp.. Casper.. No.. This.. This isn’t about..” she shook her head tears now spilling freely down her cheeks. “My.. I.. Oh fuck..” she mumbled and just fisted her tshirt. “Casp.. I’m pregnant..” it barely came out, it was a harsh whisper, of course she was over the moon with her pregnancy, a little her or a little Ocean running around, and they were in a good place and she was happy.. And a Tony nominee, but… How was she going to tell her dad. Was he going to hate Ocean forever. This just wasn’t how she expected it to happen - but is has and she knew she had to settle with the reality of it. 

“Yeah the … Illusion of a higher power, of something at the end.. It’s… It’s a safety thing I think.. Or so I used to think.. I don’t know anymore - and that’s okay too…” shrugging unsure of why she was emotional then it hit her like a tonne of bricks. “I…. I go to rehabilitation meetings.”

“Oh god. I couldn’t do that.. My life makes me so antisocial I force myself to find time to go out, otherwise I’d never actually live”  she admitted and did a shot before looking at the guy, “You’re young… You’re cute… Why don’t you go out?” knowing that she was prodding but also just interested in what he had to say  - who could have more of a reason to avoid being social than her.

“Oh please.. I just.. I learnt along the way that you’ve got to really live life for you, and to the fullest - because… Well at the end of the day.. We’re living to die.. Which sucks.. But its the harsh reality of truth and its bullshit..” she laughed softly. “My meetings really helped me see that.. You know?” not realising what she said.

God, was he excited to be a grandad? Alastair supposed, yes, deep down he really couldn’t wait. It would be nice to have babies around again, even if it was his baby that was having the baby.

‘I suppose so,’ he replied anyway. ‘I’m up and down about it.’ Alastair didn’t expect Casper to understand but he was sure he would when he was a parent himself. ‘I don’t feel old enough to be able to be a grandad!’

He knew his Dad was freaking out, even if he was trying to act like everything was fine. But Casper, was actually excited. It might finally give him some purpose, sure - he’d doubt Aspen would give him a lot of responsibility. But he hoped that he’d finally sort his own life out, to be a role model for his niece of nephew. 

Aspen blushed and nodded when he mentioned getting water, sitting down on the couch where she suddenly felt overwhelmed with everything that was happening in her life that she just burst into tears, sobbing into her hands - not even realising that Casper had brought the water into her. 

“Casp.. I’ve fucked up. I fucked up so bad..”

Alastair had been so busy he’d barely had time to stop and think about what was going on. In between working, doing his YouTube stuff, learning how to play the piano, saving money, planning what the fuck he was going to do about Aspen being pregnant… it was a lot and he felt like he hadn’t had time for his other children. So when Casper asked to meet up, Alastair was thrilled. Their relationship had been going well recently and he wanted to keep that going.

Not late, Alastair spotted his son sat at a table and made his way over with a smile on his face. ‘Hey!’ Al grinned, giving Casper a quick hug before sitting down opposite his youngest. ‘How have you been?’

Casper was finally starting to feel relaxed in New York again. Something, he hadn’t done in many years. Heck, he doesn’t even think he was relaxed in New York in his teens. He was constantly that teen who just sneaked out, like sure all he was doing was sitting in the park by himself at night. But, still he was constantly trying to escape - and for once he was comfortable where he was.

“To be fair, I don’t know,” Pax replied. “With what happened in my later teen years and the fact that I don’t think I could ever get somebody to want a kid with me…it’s hard to imagine. I think I’d like them if it happened that way, I just don’t really expect it to.” Maybe he was being pessimistic, it wouldn’t be the first time. “Thanks. I’m not sure I’m that talented, but it’s a lot of fun. It gives me a chance to be my own person instead of a twin.” Hearing it called that drag show mad Pax chuckle, Casper truly was a sporty gay. “Yeah, they are. It’s a nice place to be yourself.”

“Oh, okay” Casper calmy nodded, not wanting to impeach too much on the others life but he was so interesting. “Maybe, one day” Casper shrugged “You never know. But better to make sure you definitely want one first.” Hearing the other was a twin, Casper paused a moment.”You’re a twin as well?” Casper asked, “Are you guys identical though?”

“I agree, that’s what I would do with my kids if I was ever going to have any, but I’m not planning on it so,” he shrugged, “I’ve been informally doing it since I was sixteen, but I actually got into it when I turned eighteen. Started doing shows at nineteen, but there isn’t a big scene for it in Virginia. I came to New York for college and now I’m living my life.” Pax cocked his head in genuine interest at Casper’s story because the kid seemed pretty cool. “I wish I had done more, but whatever, and don’t apologize, it’s been a long time.”

“Ah, are you not” he asked. Casper had always wanted to be a Dad. He wasn't sure whether he’d ever get the opportunity to be one, but it was something he really wanted in life. “That’s so cool. You must be really talented” Casper admitted to the other, “Like it takes a lot of nerve.” “New York is definitely the scene for it. I swear half the queens on that Drag show on tv are from New York” he nodded. Even though, he had only watched a few episodes with some of his old friends. “Fair enough.”