no matter what, i'm real

“Dramatic?” Julian hummed, the jab rolling off their lips saturated in warm amusement. “I think the sentiment you’re looking for is compact. I’m just somewhat reticent.”

But Casper was mostly right. In that, and the latter.

Humpty-dumpty they were. Already, they’d shattered the eggshell they lived in. And it had landed them here – stuck with no way out, and no way to run but six feet under. A feat difficult for someone supe- no. Inhuman. Julian wondered how many people Casper saw a day who were simply looking to crack. Or if they were simply an outlier, effectively dead and still unsatisfied.

They stepped closer; a mischievous grin splitting across their features. The kind that was wide – composed entirely of striking angles and sharp teeth. It wasn’t meant to be a threat. Just distracting enough that Casper might hesitate in reacting as they reached out to snag his cigarette.

Julian took a long, pointedly drawn out drag and cocked a brow.

“Is it unsatisfying to remind them of that?”

Cas shook his head softly, letting a small exhale escape his lips. Cas had noticed Julian had a habit of using words he didn’t quite know. Reticent was one. It was the sort of word Tas would use in an argument, to trip him up, to watch him rack his brain to no avail. But Julian’s was different, it was passing, non comital, it wasn’t foreign coming from his lips it was accidental, a part of his vocabulary. Unlike Tas Julian wasn’t the sort whose had sharp edges, at least not purposefully. 

He stood back slightly as the other moved towards him, before registering the movement as friendly fire. Julian plucked the cigarette for Cas’ fingers with such purpose it took Cas a few moments to regroup.  “Only because they don’t listen. No one does, not really. You can talk mortality all you want, but when you’ve got a bunch of kids holed up in a town like this, who’ve never seen the outside... who’ve never had any context to a life- how can they even begin to listen?” Hell, Cas didn’t even listen.  “Doesn’t make them any less stupid though”

     she didn’t understand: why was it her choice ? but it was, so she nodded and one foot took a step back as if it were out the door, ready to run if something bad happened. she could go faster than her feet could take her. frances didn’t have friends or crushes or lovers. she had her sister and that was all she’d ever really have. she looked down to pick at the skin around her fingernails, tearing up her cuticles because of how dry they were. it was cold these days and cold cracked her skin. it stung when she put lotion on. ari always had to remind her. “ if it’s up to me, then i guess we’re friends, “ frances stated, then shrugged. but it wasn’t really up to just her because here she stood, waiting for approval.

The other was like a rabbit, rearing to bolt at any moment, head upturned to listen for danger. But the quietness overtook them almost immedately, rippling out with the change of tone. Her voice slowing, and hollowing itself out. She reminded Cas of a book he’d read, how one of the short stories spoke of a girl who wanted an entire fish made of only skin. How he had spent the night wondering what exactly that would look like; did that mean it was full of skin? Or was it just hollowed out? Was skin still skin if it replaced bone? Cas assured himself that Fran was neither hollow nor full. She was something unpredictable- and that in itself was frightening. Cas nodded. “Okay. Sounds good.” 

“And there they go,” she murmured as he put the book back into his bag. “The secrets of the universe. Or the secrets of the ardilla’s mind,” Adelita teased. Saying that one word in Spanish, made her want to flip the switch and just speak her native language rapid fire. Adelita hadn’t conversationally spoken Spanish in what felt like forever, since Kate only knew English and French. Adelita often spoke Spanish when she talked to herself, but that had been it as of late.

 Adelita cocked her head at the man, crossing her arms and leaning back with an interested smile. This had to be someone more comfortable with the presence of plants than people, at least that’s what she got from him during this first meeting. “Would you feel better talking to me if I was a plant?” The words just slipped out, but she was glad they did as she was dying to know the answer.

“So, yes. You would have noticed me if I was a plant. Don’t lie, though. Even if I was some common pine I’d be more interesting. A sexy, sexy pine.” Adelita dropped her arms from their crossed position so they were balanced on her waist. “I don’t think I’d be a pine, though. A rose bush seems more accurate for me. Why are you out here foraging anyway?”

Casper ignored the remark, instead noting the way the others mouth curled upwards ever so slightly when speaking Spanish. Cas recalled the days his mother would refuse to speak anything else but Arabic, how she hounded and dragged the Halim children for replying in English. How the language felt unnatural inside of him, and how readily he erased his mother’s language from his vocabulary when he was outside the guesthouse. Until now he could barely recall what his voice sounded like when he spoke it. Still she had that same smile. 

“I’d certainly feel like a recluse weirdo if I was standing in the woods talking to plants. So I would exactly say I’d feel better.” It was a part truth, he’d caught himself, maybe a handful of times talking to plants, just audibly above a murmur. It tried not to make a habit of it. 

“Ah yes the sexy pine. A native to Pennyroyal and related to the giant sequoia.” he paused to let out a chuckle, “Ah I do it every week or so, a few of my native seedlings died, so I’m just gathering more. Plus its good practice to keep track of where things grow, and new sprouts in a town like this. Makes it easier to predict the environment when you know its past.”

     frances felt bad. she could read him like a book and there were never thoughts of her until she hurt him — or perhaps, that was just where she started again. she always began when she didn’t know and she didn’t know more than she liked to admit. she didn’t take the step forward, despite that she wanted to. instead, she stood still, but she rocked as if she had second guessed her decision to stay put. but she had nothing. she’d tell him, if she could, to be around always. he did talk too much, but she liked it when he did because she didn’t know how to talk too much about anything until it was morbid and lifeless. she covered her mouth with her palm, arm twisted around like a child. she flattered her arm and her finger rested on her mouth. “ are we friends ? “ she could take it, if they weren’t, but the question was for him. did he talk too much or not ?

she wavered, like a single pebble thrown into a body of water- rippling from the inside out. She was unable to settle and Cas could see it in the way she stood there, attempting to stand still. The words came out hoarse and broken, barely audible above the loud hum of the florescent lights above. Cas watched as another customer passed them, they were blocking part of the produce section- this wasn’t the place to have a conversation like this. But the witch had never been good at timing anyway. 

“I don’t know Franny.” He shrugged, letting the basket hit against his upper thigh. “I think, you’re the one that gets to decide that” It wasn’t an answer, it was a sidestep, a way to move away. He liked Fran, she was nice enough, but complicated, and difficult to understand at times. Frances was the kind of friend, Cas imagined staying up late with only to find her gone the next morning. 

     It was easier to dress it up a bit when she was so far out of where she’d been. Coming down was always harder than it felt like it would be. Like the synapses in her brain firing in all the wrong directions so that even though she saw the rapidly creeping up concrete, she didn’t stop herself from landing on it. From landing hard.

     And she gave him her most familiar grin. The one she saved for inside jokes and memories of laughable mistakes. Watched it creep onto her lips and let the cigarette hand loose as her hands dug out the pack in her bag – rummaging with groping fingers.

     He looked stiller in the dark. Almost smaller. Maybe it was his hands cupped in begging prayer. “ Well how can I turn down a once in a lifetime chance like that ? ” Her arm extended “ You know, most people have a fantasy about killing someone. You should use that line more often. Really frame the experience. “

     “ You’ll never have to buy cigarettes again. ” 

The words were lost between the inhale, and his lungs inflating. Cas watched as the tip of his cigarette burned bright, only to ashen, and fall to the concrete between them. 

Only moments before, Casper’s world had felt like a waking dream, the long walk from clinic to street was so hazy in recollection- had he stumbled or walked straight? How far gone was he in the last hour of work? How much time had really passed since then? Cas dug for his phone, peering at the illuminated digits broken across the shattered screen. But the uncertainty lingered. 

Scout’s face looked brighter, in the crisp night air. Her sunken eyes a gentle reminder that under better circumstances neither of them would have probably crossed paths. But that was most people Casper dealt with these days.  Inspecting the cigarette, Cas let out a low whistle. “Killing someone in particular? Or just anyone.” He ashed the cigarette again, “Because anyone could kill someone, it just has to be... the one you know?” The words felt weightier outside of him. More concrete. He wasn’t exactly sure what he meant, the thought had spilled out and there was nothing Cas could do but laugh. 

“Fuck- sorry. That’s way too grim.”

Rising to her feet, Adelita nimbly stepped over to where the stranger was, peering over at the book he held out. It looked well used and well loved, full of illustrations of various plants that he was sure to find in the very forest where they where spending their time. She ripped her eyes from the book and flicked them over the man once more, wondering if he spent much time alone in the forest, alone in general.

“Ardilla…maybe.” Adelita smirked at the man. “You reacted like a squirrel to me.” Widening her eyes she imitated the shocked look he had when he first saw her, darting her head around like a squirrel may. Although she was certain she seemed just as shocked to see him, possibly more defensive.

“Right, well let me just change into a rose bush and then I’ll get your attention,” she teased. “Or a pile of peanuts, ardilla?”

He watched as she advanced swiftly towards him. How graceful, yet inhumane her movements felt. But maybe that was the lack of sleep, lack of rest, the come down. Casper shoved the book back into his bag, watching the other carefully. 

Cas paused for a moment, the word felt heavy, and foreign in his mouth, the way english sounded in his mothers accent. But the stranger continued, and the word suddenly fell into place with the other.  Perhaps this was how his mother had felt when she first moved here.

“I’m not going to lie, a rose bush out here, would be pretty fucking incredible-” he motioned to the foliage around them both “even a peanut tree. Again nothing personal. But the climate anomaly would be fascinating. ”

     she felt the scales on her skin crawl as he spoke. he kept talking, but about what ? she stopped listening, lost track of words. she stepped closer into him and put the bottom zipper of his hoodie between two fingers, then straightened it as if it needed it. her stomach felt uneasy and she just wanted him to stay there and be a wall. she needed to be surrounded by walls that could hold her, a straight jacket in the form of plaster and plywood. “ the drugs, “ she mumbled to him as a reminder, fingers brushing the cold metal. she could vomit any moment, but she hadn’t eaten since last night. she slyly pulled the cash from her pocket and sloppily slid it into his. “ please. “

He looked at Frances and sighed, nodding his head begrudgingly. He’d talked too much again. This wasn’t a house call, wasn’t for pleasure. He pocketed the cash, not bothering to visually check. It was the same each time, same amount, same product. He’d learnt the feel of France’s amount, the way she gripped onto it for too long before handing it over. The warmth of her fingers still radiating from it was a form of second hand familiarity. . 

Sheepishly he dug into his bag and deposited the baggie in her open palm, a half handshake before letting go, and stepping back. The moment passed so quickly it was like they had never even touched. “Guess I’ll see you in a week then Frances.”

          laid up in one of the many trees scattered still from the forest and yet surrounding the caravan campgrounds to the east, isabelle hummed to herself while her hair swept the air like a curtain from the branch supporting her. she shouldn’t have climbed the tree, and her heart pattered like a dying soldier from the trouble, but now it was freedom and ease that she was met with. a familiar and beloved play’s words arrived like tunes in her mind, and she found herself closing her eyes, disappearing into the scene, voicing the words as if a soft lullaby - unaware of the person who walked the path below.

           “ tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow… creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time; and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. out, out, brief candle… life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing… ” and at last her voice subsided.

Cas had made his usual trek through the campgrounds, running small errands for Tasneem, in between his clippings gathering. An incantation gone wrong had set a horrible disease through some of his newer specimens, and it felt better to cut his loses and start afresh then even attempt at reviving the dead (that was best left to others with powers more capable than his).  the talk with the current groundskeeper had gone better than expected, and to celebrate the minor victory Cas had decided to take the scenic route back into town; a cut through the forest towards the east. The brunette had only wandered for a couple of minutes before he heard the eerie voice echoing through out the woodlands. The words moved softly, has if navigating their way through the foliage, Cas managed to follow, craning his ears in the direction of the sound before his eyes settled upon the other. She was perched precariously, like she had stepped out of another century, another era, another life. 

“Bit early to be this cynical in the morning, isn’t it?” 

     frances gave an annoyed sigh. what did she look like — someone who was free ? she pulled the cuffs of her jackets sleeves down, as if back to her middle school self to hide the self-harm. —- it was nothing to worry about, just a rough childhood and a curiosity that put answers before safety. maybe that was why ari still couldn’t breathe some nights, awake in cold sweats.  now, it was more like an anger grip, a stress ball to feel her shoulders sink downward and her palms covered. “ you are determined to make friends into enemies, huh ? “ silly casper, thinking that her well-being was relevant. perhaps it was part of the reason for her crush. she asked, then smiled as she held her hand up, explaining. “ ma always used to say that her dry skin looked like alligator scales. “

His fingers hovered for a moment. If this was the clinic he’d have inspected closer, would diagnosed, but waited for a doctor to declare it contact dermatitis, or exasperated eczema- the colder months did that to fragile skin. Still, the Fran’s fingers looked worn, like they’d been clasped tightly around a paint brush for too long. Like if he took them in his they would be impossible to unravel. Casper figured Frances was the kind of person who learned to self soothe a long time ago. “ah, but in saying that you got to admit we’re friends.” he paused, letting the words hang between them. “Besides it only be enemies one way. Hating someone that much is too much effort. There should be a word for unrequited hatred”. 

     frances snapped out of their daze when they felt a tap on their shoulder. it wasn’t just a simple, single, “ snap out of it ! “ it was a rhythmic tap as if cas was the one struggling with detox. but hadn’t frances been ? they were no addict, but they always felt like one. without their paint, without their oil, without their canvas, they were nothing. they were unable to breathe and softly they contemplated lighting the world ablaze. the drugs helped that, too. and if they would simply go to the doctor, there would be drugs not illegal to do the same, but frances was far too afraid of fixing themselves. he looked at the tomatoes, scrunching their eyes to see if they had been disturbed. they looked red, shiny, and large and frances grinned. “ is it the tomatoes i’m scaring, or you ? “

Cas sighed, grabbing one of the tomatoes and inspecting it closely, as if checking to see if it was ripe, before placing it in the basket. Frances wasn’t scary, maybe a bit difficult at times. She was forgetful, and absentminded, but most people who bought from Mars’ little business were. Fran was just one of the few Cas could stand to deliver to.  “You got me.” He ran his free hand through his hair, gently dragging the tips of his nails against his scalp. “But seriously, you’re alright yeah? You’re just talking to yourself because your Frances, not because your tripping absolute balls right now? And if I sell to you you’re not going to overdose and I’m going to have to fix you right up at the Clinic? Because Mars will kick my ass if I fuck up again. Just reassure me so I can pretend I have a moral compass.”

There was a good few moments of silence as Adelita just took in the man’s presence, a flicker of a smile on her face as she noticed the leaves on his clothes and the wide eyes. It wasn’t as if he was there after her, as she thought. Adelita always thought in worst case scenarios, and was delighted when proven wrong. That was the thing about her being a pessimist, it made her far happier than she would ever be if she was an optimist.

She kicked herself for not realizing he was around sooner, nearly right in her line of sight. “Been here for at least an hour. Not sure if I should be offended I didn’t catch your eye or not. Do I really blend in with the tree that well?” Adelita glanced down at her outfit. Mostly earth tones, nothing that really stood out in the forest. “Maybe I’m just as unobservant as you are. How long have you been here and what are you doing here, exactly?” 

Cas readjusted the trap of the satchel worn across his chest chest, before pocketing the clippings for later use. His shoes sunk heavy in the undergrowth, but the woman before him seemed to have almost been placed there. Delicately propped against a tree like some sort of sign- at least sitto would thought so.  He chuckled softly, taking a step towards the other as he reached  into his back pocket to show the tattered book he used for plant identification, “I guess the traditional term is foraging? But I think that makes me sound more like a squirrel than I’d like.” He paused, shoving the book back into the pocket of his hoodie. 

“One track mind I guess- again like a squirrel. Don’t take it personally, but I’d have probably seen the moss growing on that douglas-fir before you.”

     xavier had no snarky remarks for the man. why had he wanted until his veins felt like sandpaper to get to the forest ? why had he waited until blood taunted him that way ? he was not gentle, he did not go anywhere without a fight, but he refused to be a monster. people like this egged him on. he stopped and turned, his feet taking a cautionary step back when they seemingly halted. “ tell you what, “ he bargained. “ i’ll throw you a lighter if you keep away from me. “ xavier grabbed the lighter from his pocket and tossed it the other’s way.

For a split second Cas felt certain he could catch the lighter. That the years he spent skipping P.E. to smoke behind the girls change rooms were really an ironic twist to his true calling. Like in another life,he could have played baseball instead of getting high whilst watching A League of Their Own four times in a row. But alas Cas overshot the mark, and the lighter bounced hapazadly to the ground, Cas scooped it up and lit his cigarette in the same sweeping motion. Inhaling before even managing to stand up straight again.

Still Casper noted the footwork, the slight step off, and away. The guy could easily take him, he had the height, and Cas was in no way dressed for a fight- scrubs were not the most flexible attire.

“It’s only really just begun.”

Julian had to grasp for the words a moment, hoping only vaguely they came out as honest rather than slightly intimidating. They were accustomed to being up and walking at nearly every hour. If they wanted to, they could agree that the day was indeed very long.

However, the hours they spent unaccompanied by magic, unencumbered by the sun, that was when the fun started.

Especially now that this particular, wonderful person, had made past bloodletting relatively unimportant.

They tuned the lighter over in their fingers a few times before shoving it back into its fabric home. Casper wasn’t making eye contact, but it was a fact Julian themself only discovered by chance – neither, he supposed, entirely comfortable around the other. Neither the type, perhaps?

“I get the feeling your days are more eventful than mine either way?”

Cas rolled his eyes, a half smile lingering at the edges of his lips. “You always make things sound so dramatic” He inhaled again, flicking the ash to the side. They were trapped between familiarity, and formality- the both of them. Like dealers who overstayed their welcome on drop offs, who offered an extra hit if they hung out for 45 minutes longer. This loitering sort of limbo. An unnecessary friend that shouldn’t, or perhaps couldn’t progress any further. 

Still Cas shook his head in response, finally making eye contact with the other. “People think their superhuman till their not” he paused. “I mean- you know. More superhuman. Like everyone isn’t one hit away from being motherfucking humpty dumpty”

“I have” she looking a lighter in her pocket “here you are” Etta gives him what he wanted

Casper takes the lighter from the stranger and in one sweeping motion sets the tip of his cigarette alight. He’d seen her around before, but only briefly. Squeaky clean, and helpful wasn’t always a good mix. “Thanks, and your name is?”

     Something felt off about the way Scout’s feet hit the ground when she walked. Like her ankles had been tied on by seven loose strings, and someone had snapped three and frayed another. Bendy. Instability.

     She’d only remember her own skin because of the scraping of the patch against it as the fabric in her t-shirt swayed. For once she hadn’t been looking for Daya. She’d been looking for rest. Some restful tundra like this one for her mind to simply whir and shut down. Which street meant quiet ?

     Not this one. Her lips were wrapped around a cigarette when she turned around and gave a grin. She sucked down a lung of smog. “ Nope. ”

The waft of smoke from upwind was- for lack of a better phrase- a breath of fresh air. The frantic rewiring of cravings quieting to a low hum just below the surface of his skin. Cas watched the ember glow across from him in the dark. Contrasted by her white hair that crashed, and licked against the hollow of her cheeks. Cas audibly groaned, rolled his eyes, the corner of his mouth upturned as he walked towards her.