part of him wanted nothing more than to agree. after all, it would be nice to have everyone here with him in la, even if for just a week. and yet, he knewā that was the wrong answer.Ā
ādisneyland?ā he wrinkled his nose,Ā ālook, if they want to meet mickey mouse, they can go to disney world. i love them, but iām 19 now. i donāt want to have to fly out my mom when things get hard.ā
he looked down,Ā ānot that things are hard here. itās just- different.ā
he thought about it for a second, his brows furrowed together in thought. after a moment, heĀ scuffed the toe of his sneaker against the floor, āmom has always been like that, you know.ā
āeven when i just started taking lessons, sheād clap even when i got all the notes wrong. as long as i tried my best.ā
ālook, i know this is just like a piano recital or- like- an impromptu garage band gig or even a football game. iām not worried about messing up and having people not like me. itās just-ā he wrestled with his own thoughts, before finally managing, āitās just that- you were never there for those things.ā
āand suddenly, trying my best doesnāt feel good enough.ā
ā jay, itās not some sort of peace offering or needing a mommy-blanket to fix it. wouldnāt it be nice to share some part of your life here? ā cash didnāt want to share honestly. the worst of his impulses wanted her to know what it was like when your son was away from you and you couldnāt control that. but those thoughts, while dark- were only fleeting. he wouldnāt act on them. maybe, back then. he was young and hotheaded, but now he just wanted peace.Ā ā if you donāt want to and you donāt want to tell me why, thatās your call. but i want you to know that you donāt have to worry about bad blood or, ā he paused, trying to phrase what was going through his head.Ā ā or that you need to keep your world back home and your life here totally apart. ā
cashās face fell at the boy's words as he nodded. heād lost count of the times over the years heād played out the mundane suburban life he couldāve had. football games and barbeques. graduations and nervous prom talks. he longed for the memories that he didnāt have but he couldnāt say he would give the life he made for it. he also knew that if heād had only those moments, heād never have traded them for this life either. but heād had both. and heād wanted both but it didnāt work like that, so cash had chosen the only thing he truly knew, the only thing heād ever been any good at, which was his band.
ā youāre an adult, so iām going to speak to you like one, okay? ā he said, nerves shredding his insides. it wasnāt the first time a moment like this had come up with jay, maybe never so directly, but the subtext was always there. the times before, cash tended to roll over and try to submit to avoid the possibility of confrontation, not knowing if the kid would simply pack it in and go home should cash press the wrong nerve.
ā i donāt know exactly what youāve been told, jay. but nothing about any of the choices that were made were black and white. your mom, did what she thought was best and so did i.ā he glanced down at the floor before breaking apart his agitated hands. he didnāt want to sound like he was trying to weasel out of anything, cash knew what heād done. ā when your mom got pregnant, dead until dark was just barely getting on itās feet. i never thought it would become what it did. i was going to pull out, stupidly, asked your mom to marry me but she wanted me to keep goingĀ and i did- and i came back to see you guys whenever i could. we dated for a while, broke up on decent enough terms. i still saw you quite a bit back then. which worked for a while. but then it was less and less. iād show up, and you were the cutest thing iād ever seen in my entire life. youād just light up. i couldnāt believe how cool you were, you know? like, you really were the funniest kid and just so... unbelievably great. i took you backstage to an elton john gig once, with these ridiculous headphones that your mom insisted on and you were just so interested in everything, like a real person- not just a baby. it was crazy. but...Ā i wasnāt there for all the hard shit, she was. and i canāt imagine what it felt like to do so much work and have me swoop in every couple of months like super dad. you were four, maybe nearly five when it all blew up. and my little band, wasnāt so little anymore. she wanted me to really be there. and i know this doesnāt mean shit, jay. but i wanted to be- so fucking bad. but i couldnāt just walk away from the band, it wasnāt just my career i was sacking, it was the others too. iāve been friends with these people since i was fifteen years old. and music- itās the only thing iāve ever been good at. i couldnāt leave it all behind, and i couldnāt fight for custody. i didnāt want to take you from your mom, and even if i did? iād take you from your home and your family to drag you around the world on tours, lose any normalcy? of course not. we tried to come to some agreement but it never happened- i hate- i hate it so much, kid, that it didnāt because i wanted those moments with you. and iām so sorry that you-we never got them. and i wish that i couldāve chosen the band and you, or that iād walked away when i meant to and we just- stayed there, or that i couldāve convinced your mom to let me move you both out here. thereās so much that i wish i could do- or take back and change. but i canāt. and you can feel pissed off and hate me or whatever you gotta do- but i need to tell you that none of what happened was ever because we didnāt love you. i know that iām not really your dad to you, but youāve always been my son, your best is so much more than enough. it doesnāt fix or change shit all, but i donāt know what else i can say anymore, jay. ā