SMOKING GUN

       the flirting would work if he didn’t know she was bluffing. she was clearly only saying this to make sure she felt in control and he just didn’t care. he didn’t have too big of a need to be liked by her, especially not in this moment. he didn’t even like himself. 

       “ well, i’d be pretty dumb to admit i want to kiss you in a closet when there’s people around and not somewhere better. ” he scoffed and rolled his eyes, looking at their surroundings. mop pails and cleaning supplies didn’t set a romantic ambiance. “ believe it or not, lemon pledge doesn’t get me going. ”

SHE DOES HAVE A BAD CASE OF PRIDE that often rears its head when she’s backed into a corner, that carter “fire” that never seems to extinguish entirely. but if she’s being honest with only herself right now, there’s a part of her that actually does feel some sort of natural draw to him. she hadn’t realized it til this moment, that a part of her was hoping maybe he did actually kiss her. 

IT WAS A PAIN SHE KNEW TOO WELL, at this point death was more than acquaintance to mera. she had seen so much from the first time her father made her pick up a blade and use it against his political rivals until when the blade turned onto her own son. as if it wasn’t a cruel enough fate already to outlive her son, she had to outlive her grandchild. 

grief just harbored in her psyche, all she knew to do was to lash out whenever it hit her again. screaming and shaking whenever the nightmares started up again. if her time in a hospital had helped her any, maybe she would’ve considered therapy. instead she kept the reputation of being a queen that had slightly gone off the deep end. the very people who chastised her were the ones meant to help her, maybe that was why she hid that part of herself from people.

except sharon. the woman knew the pain all too well, and as much as mera wanted to disagree with the sentiment- part of her still blamed herself too. if she had been there when it happened maybe it would’ve been different. 

❛ you didn’t let them die, sharon. someone took them from you… it’s a hard truth to grasp- that someone could do that to a child, it’s one i still struggle with today. ❜   she kneels down and pulls her into her arms.   ❛ you’re not a failure, sharon. ❜

GOD SHE HATES THIS. vulnerability feels as ill fitting as a square piece trying to get into a round hole. it’s suffocating and she can’t separate the self awareness and shame in those emotions from the truth that she feels them so strongly. it feels pathetic, sitting here and drowning in her miseries instead of facing them head on. but this is how she always dealt with this topic.

what’s the “correct” way to deal with something that never should have happened in the first place? what is the “acceptable” form of expressing grief for a tragedy beyond comprehension for most? her baby didn’t even have a name but she feels her loss so pointedly all the same, the person she could have been only existing as a dream in her mind. 

🐝  *  ―  𝐅𝐈𝐕𝐄  𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃  𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄  𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒: ACCEPTING @xebelean​ sent:  ❛  you can talk to me.  ❜

SHE’S USED TO RUNNING. if not physically then emotionally --and this is one topic she always runs from when it claws at the back of her mind. her baby was personal, and talking about it has always been the one thing she couldn’t get herself to do. 

she didn’t even want kids --she told steve their lives were too busy, that they couldn’t call nick fury and ask him to babysit a kid. and when it happened, something shifted in her. the minute she was actually carrying a child, she felt all her protective instincts take form and suddenly, nothing mattered but her baby. 

and she knew it would die moments before it happened. that’s all she had, seconds. mere seconds to adjust and come to terms with the fact that she would never be a mother to that child because when sin stabbed her, it was over. and that’s something she’s kept caged inside, too afraid to let it out because it means that its real. but the woman before her lives with the same damage --she seems so together. and she admires that, hell, she wants it for herself. that grace in acceptance instead of this: being curled up on the ground with a bottle of vodka and trying to forget. 

🐝  *  ―  𝐅𝐈𝐕𝐄  𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃  𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄  𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒: ACCEPTING @pinkringed​ sent: ❛  forgive me. just this once.  ❜

       it’s less about him having any measure of guts, in this moment, and more just not caring about the consequences. he’s only with her by chance. he doesn’t think this is gonna be much of anything, he really doesn’t care what happens out of here. 

       her hand on his cheek makes him raise his eyebrows, he really wasn’t expecting it. he did happily lean in but he knew better than the think that was going to work. “ i’m not trying to have my way with you, unless by way with you you mean getting you to be quiet so we don’t get caught. i’m simply trying not to get caught looking like we’re horny in the closet. if i need to kiss you to shut you up, though, i will. ”

SHE’S GOOD AT PLAYING THE GAME, staying calm and collected in stressful moments --even flirting just to get one leg up on him. but neither of those attempts seem to be working when he seems to have a leg up on her this time. 

     he wasn’t going to be upset about anything the teachers or principal had to say, he didn’t give a shit about them, but his dad was going to have an explosive response and worse than that, his mother would be disappointed. that was always the gut punch. he didn’t need to deal with that or with barney’s chastising. 

       “ you really are a glass half full kind of rebel. if i’m gonna get caught in a closet for being horny, i’d like it to actually be after i’ve gotten to be, not because of this. ” he’s saying this but his eyes can’t stop staring at her lips. they’re so close and something about the way she talks keeps drawing him in. 

SHE’LL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT IT, but she’s got a competitive streak. that was great on the soccer field, of course, but it often got her into trouble just about everywhere else. and clint’s comment ramps up that fiery streak in her, even if he didn’t mean to.

what can she say? she likes being the best.

       she wasn’t wrong, she just didn’t have to say it out loud. he’d smoked away and ignored most of his high school career already, he was the definition of sketchy. “ yeah, guess so. that and the teachers hate me. ” his eyes widen as he’s dragged away from the room and even further into the closet. he couldn’t help but look at her. he wasn’t very small and it was hard to cram in here, especially with her but for some reason he found himself drawn to her in this closet anyway. “ probably a good idea to just shut up then, yeah ?? last thing either of us need is to be caught in a closet. this looks worse than it is. ” 

GETTING CAUGHT MIGHT BE THE ONLY THING WORSE than being mere centimeters apart from a guy she just met. not that there was anything wrong with him (he was actually kind of cute) but she’s not the type to get up close and personal with anyone let alone strangers. but if they got caught skipping detention? that would bring aunt peggy out for the “parent teacher conference” thing and she can’t deal with any of that. so she’ll take this in a heartbeat. 

❛ nothing happened! if something more than an almost happened- ❜   dammit. she’s going to get hit again.   ❛ … which also didn’t happen. because scott and i are normal and totally cool and fine. ❜   

       he wouldn’t say they were daddy issues, frankly because if he wasn’t forced to he wouldn’t call him any kind of father. as far as clint was concerned, he and his brother raised themselves. “ i don’t look casual at the best of times, let alone when i’m actually doing something. ” he was shoving his hands in his pockets, trying to look uninterested, but mostly just hoping no one came by to see this. “ he’s more the drink everything in sight type. but he does believe in a bunch of conspiracies he shouldn’t. ”

       “ good, my dad’s enough of a lunatic for us both, i’m sure. ” he couldn’t help but roll his eyes, even though he’s the one that brought up harold in the first place. he was a downright asshole and he couldn’t help but feel his blood boil a little. he followed her over to the door, trying not to have a sitcom moment as her hair fell down the way it did. he tried to look as casual as he could while he looked out for her, knowing he probably stuck out worse than ever. 

       “ does she have a ‘ scared the apocalypse is coming tomorrow bunker ’ or something ?? ” that was what he first thought of when it came to the overly prepared people. that and hiding weapons in every nook and cranny you can think of. none the less, he finally sat up and shrugged, more nonchalant than anything. “ yeah, sure. beats being in here, that’s for damn sure. ”

​

       “ i don’t think anyone notices when i’m anywhere, to be fair. ” he really doubted anyone remembered they were there. he’d been lying with his head burrowing into his arms further and further as the minutes dragged slowly on. he swore this was like prison only worse and he just hated it. “ wait, are you secretly the coolest person alive ?? ”