Transcribing Carmilla

We open with static, which disappears to be replaced by Laura against a plain white background.

Laura: Okay!  Don’t know how many of you are new, and how many of you have been with us from the start, but I am Laura Hollis.  Yes, the Laura Hollis, who recently got famous, or “internet famous”, because my university pals and I vlogged ourselves saving the world.

Brief footage from 3x33, of Dean!Perry opening the Gates of Hell

Laura: See, back in my freshman year, we discovered that our Austrian university was actually being run by an evil dean and her vampire cult.  Naturally.  They’d been sacrificing girls to this monstrous creature under the campus, and I was next.  Really should’ve gone to that safety school.  Anyway, the Dean sent ... Carmilla,

Footage from 1x2

Carmilla: I’m your new roommate, sweetheart.

Back to Laura

Laura: A 300-year-old vampire with a checkered past and centuries worth of victims to kidnap me.

We see Laura and Carmilla kissing from season 3

Laura: There was just one small snag with that plan.  (back to Laura) Carm and I fell in love.  Carm turned her back on the evil dean, and with a little help from our friends: LaF, Perry, Kirsch, Mel, and Danny, we saved the school!  And the world.  For stopping the apocalypse, Carm earned herself a magical human life.  A vampire no more.

Footage of Laura discovering Carmilla’s heartbeat at the end of 3x36

Laura: A chance to start again, and leave the crimes of her past behind.  And for us to figure out ... whatever happens next.

New scene.  Exterior: An old manor, on a stormy day.

We see Laura, waking up inside the manor, dressed in 19th century clothes, lying on a couch.  She gets up.

Laura: Okay ... weird.  (looks at her clothing) Old-timey and weird.

Laura notices a mirror and looks into it.  She does not see her own reflection, instead, she sees another woman, dressed as she is, copying her moves.  A door creaks open, and Laura turns towards it

Laura: Hello?  Ghost-lady?

Suddenly, a woman dressed all in black, with a veil over her face, appears behind Laura, and taps her shoulder.  Laura runs in fear out the room and down some stairs, looking behind her.  At the foot of the stairs, she runs into the same mysterious woman.  The woman lifts her veil, reveiling herself to be Carmilla.

Carmilla: You’re wearing my broach.

Laura: Carm!

Carmilla: Did I scare you, my pet?

Laura: You think?  Sneaking around, dressed like Lizzie Borden?  Wait, why are you dressed like Lizzie Borden?

Carmilla: You mustn’t be afraid

Laura: Why would I be afraid?

Carmilla: We shall die, as lovers may ... (Carmilla kisses Laura) Die together, so that we may live together.

Carmilla’s fangs appear, and she bites Laura, drinking from her, Laura looking terrified

Suddenly the scene changes, and we see Laura waking up from a nightmare, her head on Carmilla’s lap.

Carmilla: Welcome back, creampuff.

Laura (moving up from Carmilla’s lap to lay her head on Carmilla’s hsoulder, we hear screams and chainsaw sounds from a TV offscreen) I think your horror movies are giving me nightmares

Carmilla: Oh, well, life’s rough like that sometimes.

The camera zooms out, giving us a broader view of the living room

Carmilla: Come on!  How long does it take to kill one limping teenager?  Is this guy on a coffee break?  (to Laura) So, what happened?  Did you get scooped up by that talking goat again?

Laura: No, I dreamed you were a vampire.  (Sitting up)  It was very ... blast-from-your-gothic-horror-past.  There was this old house, and then you ... well, you were actually kinda scary

Carmilla (concerned): Did I hurt you?

Laura: In a dream.  Come on, it was probably a ... subconscious fascination with Victorian murders.  Or, uh ... corests.

Carmilla: Mmm!  Well, no need to go digging around in the past.  We have it much better now.

Laura: No arguments here.  (looks at TV) So long, hammer horror!  (to Carmilla) Hello, rom-com

They start to kiss, when suddenly a loud scream and chainsaw sounds come from the TV.  Carmilla turns off the TV, and they begin kissing, and we fade out to the opening credits

New scene: Another dream sequence, Laura’s running in fear through the same mansion as before.  She opens a door and sees Carmilla being placed in the coffin of blood, she closes it and keeps running, opening another door where we see Carmilla covered in blood 

Laura wakes up, breathing hard.  She’s in bed next to Carm.  She kisses Carm’s forehead and gets up.  We see her making coffee and pouring it into her Tardis mug.  She snaps her fingers to wake herself up and sits down in front of her laptop.

Laura (with exaggerated enunciation): How now, brown cow?  How now, brown cow?

She turns on the laptop, and we see her from the POV of her laptop, with a “Laura Hollis” logo in the lower left corner.

Laura: Happy anniversary, faithful viewers!  I know!  Iknowiknowiknow I’m behind in my posts, but, I would never miss this!  Because 5 years ago, today, (copy of the Voice of Silas on screen with headlines “Students Save Austria From Apocalypse” and “Girls  Sacrificed to Giant Anglerfish!”) a ragtag bunch of undergraduates stopped the dean of their evil university from unleashing Hell on Earth!  Or, mostly stopped.  You can’t really blame us for Antarctica.  And where are they now, you might ask?  Well, let’s check in with a very special 5-year retrospective.

Laura looks off to the side with a dramatic gesture.  And then her face turns neutral

Laura (mumbling): And then we will cut to ...

Super cheesy graphics with phrases like “tiny, gay and mighty” and “Hollis Five Year Retrospective”

Back to Laura narrating

Laura: First up is LaFontaine and Perry who, as you’ll recall, transferred to Occult Studies at Berkley and then started LaFerry Industries, where they’ve been revolutionizing life for the supernatural with products such as their Hemo-Soy vegan vampire sumplements ever since.  They’ve got this huge meeting with a megacoporation that wants to buy their start-up.  I’m so proud!  Speaking of super-successful people, you guys remember Danny?  My Lit TA, turned stalwart ally, turned repentant vampire?  Has turned into ... a vampire rights advocate.  And, what retrospective would be complete without a look at how Mel and Kirsch and I leveraged our coverage of the almost-apocalypse into a career in local news?  And, if you’re morbidly curious, here are some clilps!

Clip 1, Laura in front of a flower shop, with “Luane Horlis Reporting Live” at the bottom fo the screen

Laura: Today, we explore the fast-paced world of floral arrangements.

Clip 2, Laura on another street, in front of a bakery, with the name “Lauren Horley”

Laura: Cranberry bannock

Clip 3, another street, name displayed as “Laura “The Puff” Hollis”

Laura: Ceramic cephalopod

Back to Laura’s narration

Laura: So, yeah.  Not quite achieved Lois Lane-dom.  But never fear!

Laura runs off screen, and comes back with a big board with various goals on it

Laura: It is all part of my 5-year plan!

Some of the goals are marked with stars, and others with X’s.  Some are sensible goals like “Meet Christiane Amanpour” or “200 hours volunteering in the library”, while others are nerdy, like “Buffy marathon with Carmilla”.  Laura looks wistfully at he board for a moment and then pulls herself away

Laura: Yeah, um, after Carm and I took our glorious gap year, it was time to start real life.  We moved town to TO, I finished my degree, stuck my foot in the door, now I’m just waiting for my big break!  Busting open some huge Woodward-and-Bernstein-style scandal and being moved up to the city desk.  Admittedly, I have been waiting a while for that one.  But, uh, you know ,that’s what you do in life.  You pay your dues.  Unless you’re a former vampire with 300 years of sunshine and culinary history to catch up on.  So, what has our Carm been up to as a living, breathing, human?

[Scene of Carmilla walking around in broad daylight]

Laura: She’s definitely taking advantage of ye old vampire trust fund.

[Carmilla walking out of a bakery with a pastry]

Laura: Bakery-based gluttony, check.

[Carmilla lying out in a bikini on a patio in the sun]

Laura: Sun-tanning sloth, check.

[Laura in front of a computer, eating a strawberry, Carmilla comes by and takes a bit of the strawberry with a seductive look at Laura]

Laura: I-have-a-pulse-now lust ... well ... actually I can’t complain about that last one [Laura and Carmilla exit scene]

Back to Laura narrating

Laura: Yeah.  Unless you count starring in my spooky dreams, it’s been a bit more pastry than purpose lately.  But!  Today’s retrospective is all about perspective.  We are going to get our heroine back on track.  But, where to start such a conversation?  Where else?  [Laura pulls a cake into camera view]  With desert!

Carmilla walks in

Carmilla: Mmm ... have you been baking?

Laura: Happy rebirthday! [kisses carmilla several times]  It’s, um ... like a ... like a birthday, but for your rebirth.  Because, five years ago, you got a life.  Not like 90s ‘get a life’, but you know, um, literally.

Carmilla: Hmm, how very Lewis Carol.

[Carmilla turns the webacm off and closes the laptop]

Laura: So ... speaking of five years, I was thinking that we could talk about five years in the other direction.  [Carmilla looks faintly exasperated]  Cause you’ve been through a lot.  Not just Silas, but death.  And the French Revolution.  So, it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling a little lost

Carmilla: Lost?

Laura: Okay, maybe not lost, but maybe a little ... aimless?

Carmilla: Laura, are you staging an intervention because you think I’m wasting my life?

Laura: No!  [Carmilla gives her a look like “really?”]  Maybe.  It’s just ... you aren’t immortal anymore.  And I know that you want to make the most of our lives together, but -

Carmilla: Is there something wrong with those lives being fun?

Laura: No!  But I think it’s possible to have fun and ...

Carmilla: And did I go to that supernatural therapist?

Laura: One time.  You siad you couldn’t take advice from someone born after the moon landing.

Carmilla:  Mm-hmm, and do I pester you because you’d rather spend your days in a news cubicle instead of on a beach in the South of France?

Laura: No, you don’t.  It’s just ...

Carmilla: It’s just, you like making plans.  And I love that about you.  But, I don’t know, it’s my rebirthday, so ... I want to spend it enjoying our lives.  Preferably [wipes a bit of chocolate icing on Laura’s lip] somewhere with a patio and an extensive wine selection?  [they kiss]  And chocolates

They wander off-screen together, tightly embracing, the camera zooms in on the cake; Carmilla runs back on camera to blow out the candles, and then they both leave the scene again.

Several city scenes, a sunset, night time, then back to their home.  Carmilla’s in bed already, and Laura puts some moisturizer on her hands.  They snuggle together on the bed.  Laura falls asleep, and it’s another dream sequence.  She’s in bed, and she sees Carmilla crouched at the foot of the bed.  In the background is a painting of Carmilla.

Laura: Carm?

Carmilla: Shhh.  You’re dreaming.

Laura turns on a lamp, and Carmilla winces, covering her eyes

Laura: Oh.  Right.

Carmilla crawls onto the bed towards Laura, in a scene shot to resemble a famous illustration from the original publication of Carmilla

Carmilla: You are mine.  You shall be mine.  You and I are one, forever.

Laura: Something tells me I’m gonna like this dream.

Carmilla strokes Laura’s face, and then her fangs appear, and she bites Laura.  Laura’s eyes snap wide open.  She’s back in the real world now, and the real Carmilla is biting her neck.

Laura: Carm!  What are you doing?!  [pushes Carmilla off her, Carmilla hisses, her fangs exposed]  Carm!  Hey!  Hey!  It’s me!  It’s me!  [snaps her fingers]

Carmilla comes to, and looks horrified

Carmilla: Laura, your neck!  Oh, God!  [she moves towards Laura, and Laura backs up, still afraid; Carmilla pulls back, looking completely horrified]

Laura: What is going on?

New scene: Back in the living room.  Carmilla’s sitting in a chair with some kind of electrodes on her forhead.  LaF and Perry are there.  LaF is holding some kind of electronic tablet, while Perry has some notes in front of her.  Laura is standing watching, with bandaids on Carmilla’s bite mark

Perry: Have you been in close proximity to any vampires or vampire by-products in the past two or three months?

Carmilla: Oh, you mean when a Sumerian goddess turned me again last week?  Must’ve slipped my mind.

Perry: I see that sarcasm hasn’t suffered.

Laura: Thanks for taking some time out of your meeting prep to help us.

LaF: For you guys?  Anything.

Perry: Of course!  We’re probably over-prepared.

LaF: Something’s definitely off with Carm.

LaF’s scanning her with their robot eye, we see various graphs and the like, a light glowing above Carmilla’s chest, and the words “lifeforce: flickering”, among others

Laura: For those of us without a fancy cyborg eye?

LaF: Right.  Um, this is Carm [LaF turns their pad around for Laura and Perry to see; it shows an abstract form of a female body, with a glow in the chest]  And she’s, well, dead, except ...

Perry: Except, the resurrection spell is still running inside her, making her a living human

LaF: It makes her heart beat, hair grow, and all the other things a regular human body does

Laura: Yeah, like a magic battery

Carmilla: I thought we agreed we wouldn’t call it that.

LaF: My vote’s still with life-force

Carmilla: No, that’s even worse!

Perry: Oh!  What about her, um, what about your spark?

LaF: Hmm, it does work pretty much like an ignition

Perry: Spark it is!  Spark, spark, spark!

Carmilla: I hope you’re enjoying yourselves.

LaF: Uh ... Carmilla’s spark is ... going out.

Laura: What’s wrong with it?

LaF: It’s producing a sort of electrical discharge that’s making it flicker, and, since it’s what’s keeping her human, when it flickers, she ...

Laura: Vamps out.

Laura sighs and sits down

Carmilla: Okay, so ... how do we get my .... spark to stop flickering?

LaF: We’ll have to run some more tests.

Laura: And in the meantime, Carm just keeps randomly vamping out?  What are we supposed to do about that?

Perry pulls out a bunch of garlic.  Carmilla sighs.

Montage of scenes, mimicking the ones earlier where Laura was talking about Carmilla’s “aimlessness”, but twisted.  First we see Carmilla lying out on the patio, but instead of enjoying the sun, she’s trying to cover up, with a bottle of hemo-soy beside her, then we see her biting a strawberry that Laura was eating, but accidentally biting her hand, then we see her drinking a squirrel’s blood at the same place we saw her getting a pastry before

Then we see their bedroom again.  Cloves of garlic in the foreground.  Carmilla’s lying on the bed, looking sad.

Laura (applying moisturizer): [Unclear dialogue, something about Mel?] ... Kirsch, of course, is jazzed, like ‘Oh, there’ll be blueberry pie, right?  I’m into the bluebs”, and then to top it all off, I get to the fridge, and it’s just ... Carm?  You okay?

Carmilla: Sure.  Just grappling with an aversion to daylight and cravings for blood.

Laura: Hey, LaF is going to figure something out.

Carmilla: I know.  It’s just ... this was supposed to be done.  You know?  The bloodlust, the self-loathing.  The sleeping tied to a chair in my own bedroom.

Laura: That one might be overkill.  You’ve never had a problem controlling yourself before.  [Carmilla nods]  Unless you count dream-Carm chasing me through discount Transylvania all “you are mine, you shall be mine”

Carmilla: Wait ... what did you just say?

Laura: “You are mine, you shall be mine, you and I are one forever”

Carmilla gets up and runs into the living room, searching through the bookshelves

Laura: Carm, what is going on?  It was just some silly Dracu-poetry my brain coughed up for atmosphere [Carmilla opens up a chest]  What are you looking for?  [Carmilla takes out a book from the chest, looking through it, and finding a photograph, which she shows Laura.  It’s the mansion from her dreams]  That house!

Carmilla: This is where Elle and I lived.  Is this the manor in your dreams?

New scene; Laura, Carmilla, Mel, Kirsch, LaF, and Perry are all in a park

Perry: So, this place Laura’s been dreaming about, the manor, it’s real?

Carmilla: Not just the manor.  

Laura: Carm thinks that, from what I’m describing, the house, the clothes, what she says, that I’m dreaming things that really happened.  [Perry and LaF look thoughtful] .... A hundred and fifty years ago [Mel and Kirsch look thoughtful] ... to Elle.  

Perry, LaF, and Mel all look at Laura shocked; Kirsch has no reaction, he notices everyone else’s reaction

Kirsch: Am I supposed to know who Elle is?

LaF: Elle?  The girl Carm turned on her mother and stopped being evil for?

Kirsch: That wasn’t Laura?

Perry: Carmilla’s epic first love?

Kirsch: Also not Laura?

Laura: Remember first year at Silas, those weird dreams I was having?

Kirsch: Only those weren’t dreams!  They were warnings from Carm’s ... [look of realization]

Mel: So, you think the dreams are from Elle?  Didn’t she, like, sparkle off into floaty white nothingness after Carmilla killed the giant anglerfish god?  ... How is that a sentence I ended up saying?

Laura: Only one way to find out.  We go back to the scene of the crime.

LaF: If it’s ghosts, we can test out the new spectrometer.

The conversation fades out, as Carmilla starts staring at Laura’s neck, the sound of pumping blood; Laura turns to Carmilla

Laura: Carm?

Carmilla shakes her attention off Laura’s neck.

Carmilla: Yeah ... I’m gonna go crack another bottle of hemo-soy

Carmilla gets up.  Laura, Mel, and Kirsch look at each other.  Laura gets up and follows Carmilla

Laura: Hey.  Sorry about the whole “scene of the crime” thing.  I know what happened between you and Elle was complicated, and I shouldn’t’ve said that.

Carmilla: No.  Scene of the crime is exactly what it is.  You saw those dreams.  You know I ... hurt her.  Hurt you.

Laura: You didn’t mean to.  Maybe there’s a silver lining in all this.  If this is Elle trying to warn us about something, maybe you can ... help her?

Carmilla: I’m done being a vampire.  I’m done dredging up the past.  I’m done with ... well-meaning therapists saying “close your eyes and think of those you’ve wronged, while I light up this funky incense”, and ...

Laura: That’s right.  We have plans.  And goals.  And a color-coated chart [Carmilla smiles, laughing softly] None of which features some mystery from your past stealing the life that you earned.  So, we are going to figure out who or what is doing this, and then we are going to -

Carmilla (looking way too cheerful): Gruesomely murder them?

Laura: Stop them.  (Carm rolls her eyes)  We’re going back to Styria!

Transition scene; cheesy image of a world map, showing their flight, with voiceovers

Kirsch: Where are we going?!

Laura: Styria!

Kirsch: Why are we going?

Laura: To stop Carm from re-vamping!

Kirsch: Okay, but really, why go back to the bad place with the monsters?

Laura: Because of Elle’s manor?  It’s in my dream, it’s all connected?  And it’s our only lead!

Montage of various foods

Kirsch: Oooh, schnitzel ...

New scene; all six walking dramatically along a path, looking determined, then the music stops, and they’re all looking exhausted

Kirsch: How much further till we get to this place?

Carmilla: It’s just ...

Laura (dropping her bag): Right around the corner

Laura and Carmilla walk towards the manor, ahead of the rest

Kirsch: Oh, yeah, it’s cool, Laura!  I got your bag!  Yeah.

Laura: You don’t have to do this if you don’t want.  You can just stay here if it’s too much.

Carmilla: Hmm.  And leave you alone to explore the mystery mansion?  Hard pass.

Laura and Carmilla walk up to the entrance.  We see a brief glimpse of someone in an upstairs window

Laura and Carmilla enter the manor; we see them entering from inside the building; on the wall in the foreground is a portrait of the same woman Laura saw in the mirror in her dream

Laura (entering the manor with Carmilla): Hello?

They look at each other, and continue in.  Carmilla’s attention is drawn to the portrait for a long moment.

Kirsch: Hello?  Knock-knock?  Elle’s manor’s pretty cool!

Mel: I guess.  If you dig the Harenhal vibe.  Hello?  Anybody?

LaF: I’m calling it.  This place is totally haunted.

Perry: You don’t know that.  Maybe it’s just ... creaky.  It’s a lovely example of a 19th century schloss.

Kirsch: Heh, schloss.

Laura: This is exactly like my dream.  Beautiful.  I mean, abandoned and dusty, but beautiful.

Perry (putting rubber gloves on): Well, we can deal with the dust.

Mel: Tell me you did not bring an entire bag of cleaning supplies?

Perry: Of course I did!  Do you know what dust does to expensive equipment?

LaF: We have EMF detectors, geiger counters, various spectrometers

Mel: You didn’t think maybe we’d need some actual weapons?

LaF: Well, knowledge is really the best -

Mel (pulling out a crossbow): I’m pretty sure weapons are the best weapon.  Look at this princess.  Carbon-fiber lens, 80-pound drawweight, capable of shooting 160 feet per second. I call her, Gertrude.

Perry: How excessive

Mel: Excessive?  Do you remember senior year?  You were possessed by Carmilla’s mom, the evil god who forced the entire student body, including me, to dig a pit to the literal gates of hell, or how about that time LaFontaine got brain-sucked by the giant anglerfish monster?  Or how about that time that the evil baron tried to execute Carmilla?  Or that time that Laura sorta, kinda, I don’t know, died?

Kirsch: We do have a lot of back-story.

Sounds of thunder and strange crashing noises, spooking everyone

Perry: Fine, fine, haunted.

Mel (to Laura and Carmilla): Tell me at least you two packed some heat?

Carmilla heads over to look at the portrait in the hall

Laura: Uh, I know krav maga.  I am a weapon.  I brought walkie-talkies and flashlights for everyone.  There’s no cell service out here, they’re gonna come in handy!

Carmilla’s approaching the portrait slowly

Mel (off screen): How ‘bout you, Jughead?  [sound of a beer can opening]  Oh, Vincent van Bro brought beer.

Mel looks over at Carmilla and turns to Laura

Mel: Is that her?

Laura: Yeah.  [long pause]  Let’s search this place!

Mel: For a ... girl who died 150 years ago?

LaF: Better not keep her waiting.

We see a sequence of search scenes, first Mel and Kirsch looking in a room with flashlights, then Perry and LaF with flashlights and EMF detectors, then we see Laura and Carmilla entering a room.  Laura sees the portrait of Carmilla that was in the background of one of her dreams.  The portrait is lying on the floor, slashed.  Laura picks it up.

Laura: Is that you?

Carmilla: It was.

We switch to LaF and Perry

Perry: We should be safe to push the meeting to next week, don’t you think?

LaF: Do we have to talk about this right now?

Perry: Single most important meeting of our professional careers?

LaF: Perr, we are searching a haunted castle for ghosts.  This is literally the reason we started the company.

Perry: But if we had more resources, then -

LaF: Hold on, I think I’ve got a hit!  Nah, it’s gone now.

Perry: Well, now, see, as part of Intrigue, we’d have all the equipment, we could scan the house in like two seconds.

LaF: Yeah, I get it.  But we’re not selling out right this second, so can we focus on the task at hand?  Let’s check out the next room.

They leave the room. The door closes, revealing a ghost in 19th century clothing.

We’re back to Laura and Carmilla

Laura: Looking forward to seeing her?  Elle, I mean?  Wouldn’t blame you if you were

Carmilla: Honestly, I’d rather not.  I mean, what am I supposed to say?  “Sorry I lied to you and sacrificed you to a giant fish-monster”?  I doubt there’s a hallmark card.

Laura (walks over to Carm, and strokes her hair): It wasn’t all your fault.

We switch back to Mel and Kirsch.  Something moves in the foreground, and Kirsch spins around to look at it, but it’s gone before a clear sight can be made.  Mel raises her crossbow as they both back up.  Kirsch backs up into another ghost, and starts screaming.

We get back to Laura and Carmilla.  Laura’s walkie-talkie beeps.

Laura: Told her these were gonna come in handy

Kirsch (over walkie-talkie): Ghosts!  The schloss is full of ghosts!

Laura and Carmilla look at each other.  And suddenly another ghost shows up.  They start running.

Laura: Ghosts!  Ghosts!  Everyone, come on!

LaF: Haunted house!  Totally called it!

Perry: Run, weirdo!

Everyone’s running towards the front door.  Laura and Carmilla reach it first, but the door won’t open.  It’s completely stuck.

Laura: It’s stuck!

The ghosts continue to approach them.  They run to another room, running into another locked door, the ghosts surrounding them.  They turn to face the ghosts, who’ve stopped right in front of them.

Laura: Um ... hi.  I’m Laura.  These are my friends.  And we’d be thrilled if you’d abandon your plans to gruesomely murder us.

One of the ghosts, Emily, speaks

Emily: Hello, Miss Karnstein.

Carmilla (confused):  Hello?  Wait ... I know you.  How do I know you?

Emily (turning to another ghost, Charlotte): Oh, dear.  Well, this is awkward.  We imagined you’d recall ...

Charlotte: Killing us.  I’m Charlotte.  This is my sister Emily.

Laura: Carmilla killed you?

Emily: Oh, no, not quite, exactly.  Her mother did the actual deed.

Laura: You’re the girls who were sacrificed to the Deep One.

Lightning.  We pan over the various ghosts.

Charlotte; Yes.  We are the victims of Carmilla Karnstein.

Emily: And we’d like to invite you to a dinner.

New scene.  Dinner table, a roast pig in the center of the table.  Emily and Charlotte are at the ends of the table.  One side are Carmilla, Laura, and Kirsch, with Perry, LaF, and Mel on the other.  Kirsch is eagerly digging in, while the others seem more suspicious

Emily: It’s wonderful that you’ve all been able to join us.  And, naturally, we’re so glad you’ve arrived in time.

Charlotte: We’ve been waiting for weeks.

Laura: For us?

Emily: For Miss Karnstein.  We hoped once she realized what had happened she’d return

Mel: Hold up.  Did you just confess to flipping the vampire switch on our girl Carm here?

Emily: Oh!  Goodness, no, we couldn’t have.  What little research we have been able to perform suggests it was Miss Karnstein’s life-force that pulled us into the physical world.  Until a few weeks ago, we were trapped in a nightmare land, doomed to endlessly repeat our greatest regrets.

LaF: This nightmare afterlife, is it more of a Jungian unconscious, or a “Through the Looking Glass” style situation?

Perry: Stop that!  It’s not polite to pry into other people’s unspeakable suffering.

Laura: Why would you be connected to Carmilla’s human life?

Emily: Ah, w-we think it ... might be ... because  ... it was Miss Karnstein who ...

Charlotte: She’s the reason we died

Carmilla looks uncomfortable.

Emily: Yes.  The family here offered my sister and I a place to lodge

Charlotte: They neglected to mention the vampire cult

Mel: Same thing happened with my college acceptance letter

Laura: Y-you said you knew the family.  Does that mean you knew Elle?

Both Emily and Charlotte look confused

Carmilla: Miss Sheridan.

Emily: Ah, yes.  We knew her.

Laura: But she isn’t here with you?

Charlotte: No.  She isn’t with us.

Emily: But, we’re thrilled that you are!

Carmilla (sighs and puts down her wine glass): Okay, that’s it.  What’s with the Stepford act?   I got you and your sister killed

Emily: Yes, but you’re here now.  And according to this spell book, we need you, Carmilla, here to perform the ritual that will let us move on.

Perry: I don’t ... suppose I could take a crack at deciphering the book?

Emily: Oh, please, do.  I’ve deciphered what I can, but I’m hardly an adept.  Ah, from what I can tell, if we move on, your vampire symptoms will go away.  I assume that’s why you’ve come?  Haven’t you?  Because otherwise you’d be trapped here with us forever?

New scene: The gang is in a bedroom, talking and getting ready for bed.

Mel: So ... they’re obviously evil.

Kirsch: Nah, I though they were kinda nice

Carmilla: More importantly, is this ritual of theirs even gonna fix me?

Perry (reading the spellbook): Well, it looks promising.

Carmilla: Promising?  Are you telling me you were possessed by an evil goddess for, like, six months -

Perry: Eight.  It was eight months.

Carmilla: And you can’t get more specific than that?

Perry: The whole book is written in code.  But, if the family’s notes are correct, it seems as though it’s two birds, one stone.  The ghosts move on, Carmilla stays human.

LaFontaine: That makes sense.  When I scanned them, the energy from your spark was flowing straight to them.

Mel: Look, for all we know, they lured us in and trapped us here.  Are we seriously gonna trust them?

Laura: What happened to them wasn’t their fault.  They were girls just like you or me with their whole lives ahead of them.  If this ritual helps them and keeps Carm human, we have to try it.

Later that night.  Laura and Carmilla are lying in bed.  Perry’s working on a laptop, sitting on the floor by the couch LaF is scanning the room with an EMF detector

Kirsch: Sweet!  Is that a Gameboy?

LaF: Even better.  It’s an EMF alarm.  It might be nice to get a heads-up if any ghosts come calling.

LaF puts the EMF detector up on a mantle and sits down on the couch.

LaF: Psst, Perr, about before ...

Perry: Oh, I’m glad we postponed the meeting.

LaF: You are?

Perry: With all the data we’ve collected here?  We’re in a much stronger bargaining position.

LaF: Really, Perr?  I know this is the big leagues, but why are you so pumped to sell our company?

Perry: Do you even know what I do all day, while you’re off playing in your little lab?  [LaF looks upset] I balance our budgets.  Get our products approved.  Handle the reckless endangerment lawsuits.  I mean, at Intrigue there’d be a legal ... [Carmilla clears her throat, Perry reduces her volume] ... there’d be a legal department, LaF

LaF: I see.  And, uh, by “playing” you mean the research that makes our company possible?

Perry: Oh, that is not fair, you -

LaF: You know what?  I am too tired to deal with this right now.  [LaF lies down on the couch, pulling a blanket overthemself.  Perry goes back to her computer]

New scene.  Kirsch is making a sandwich, and Mel approaches him, startling him, causing him to drop his sandwich.

Kirsch: On, man, we killed my sandwich.  [Kirsch picks up the sandwich] Tutti abal tutti.  [to Mel] Five-second rule.  [bites into sandwich]

Mel: Have we, or have we not, had multiple conversations about not wandering away in the haunted house?

Kirsch: I know.  It’s just the ghost ladies are so nice.  And you know how I feel about leftovers.

Mel: Kirsch, if your stomach gets me dragged into some kind of black girl dies first bullshit, I am gonna come back from the dead and haunt your bar fridge.

They hear a noise coming from another room, and go to check it out

Charlotte: They aren’t going to go along with it.

Emily: They’ll get caught up in the surprise.  You’ll see.  It will all come out exactly as we planned.

Charlotte: Why aren’t we just telling them?

Kirsch’s stomach growls, alerting Emily and Charlotte to their presence.  Kirsch and Mel hurry off to hide, while Emily and Charlotte leave the room, locking it behind them.

Back to the bedroom, Laura and Carmilla are asleep.  Laura has another dream.  Laura notices the nightgown from before

Laura: Ugh, this again?  Really?

She hears Mattie from another room

Mattie: You would do well, little sister, to finish your task here.  We live for the eternal moment, chérie.  We are power.

There’s further talking but it’s indistinct, Laura notices some creepy paintings as she walks through a hall

Mattie: Faîtes attention, chérie.  You would do well, little sister, to finish your task here without further delay.

Laura peeks into a room and sees Carmilla dressed in all black, holding a book.

Laura: Did you ever think that our part in this, that what we do might be ... unforgivable?

Mattie: You must stop reading the romantics!  [takes book away from her] We live for the eternal moment, chérie!  We are power, pleasure [Carmilla walks away from Laura’s sight, while Mattie walks into her sight] and are only accountable for our desires.  And maman, who is growing impatient.  Faîtes attention, chérie.  Votre mère vous met en garde contre l’assassin.

Mattie walks towards the door.  Laura runs off.  Carmilla and Mattie leave the room.

Laura enters the room Mattie and Carmilla just left.  She sees a broach on a plain table.

Carmilla (faint voiceover): You’re wearing the broach

There’s a sound of girls laughing, and then a thunderclap, and a ring of paper dolls appears, surrounding the broach.  Laura looks at the paper dolls.  Suddenly the laughing changes to screams

Woman: No!  I don’t want to go back!

The dolls start to burn and are replaced by a ring of ash in seconds. Carmilla’s gloved hand touches Laura, and suddenly she wakes up in the real world.

Carmilla: Hey, you all right?

Laura: Another nightmare.  You and Mattie were talking and she said something about an assassin, and then these paper dolls disintegrated, and I don’t know.  It seemed more coherent when it was happening.

Carmilla: You’re still havin the dreams?  But we’re here, I mean, why would you still be having them, unless ...

Mel walks in

Mel: Something else is going on.

Carmilla: Knocking, still not a thing.

Mel: The Hunger wanted a midnight snack and while he was getting it, we caught our ghostesses talking about some kind of surprise we aren’t gonna like and sneaking into a locked room.  So they’re hiding something.  Or someone.

Daytime.  Laura, Carmilla, Mel, and Kirsch confronting Emily and Charlotte.

Emily: Hiding something?  How could we possibly -

Mel: What’s behind the door?

Charlotte: Why should that concern you?

Mel: Maybe I don’t like surprises.

Charlotte: You look like a woman who can cope.  [Mel and Charlotte share a long stare]

Laura: This could all be easily resolved by just showing us what’s behind door number one.

Emily: Of course.  If you insist, but ... you’ll ruin the surprise.

Carmilla: We’ll risk it.  [Emily turns to unlock and open the door] We’d kind of like to know if you’re planning to ... [They walk into the room and see all kinds of party preparation] ... to throw a party?

Laura’s looking around excited, while Carmilla looks confused

Emily: To thank you for helping us.

Carmilla: You’re throwing a party?

Charlotte: The ritual can’t be performed until the Ash Moon, and Emily always loved to dress up.

Mel (to Charlotte): I can’t imagine you’re a slouch in that department.

Carmilla: You can’t be serious

Laura (looking at a bottle of champagne): I think it’s sweet.  It’s like a pre-ritual going-away party, before they go away.  Permanently.

Emily: Exactly!  And, we would be honored if you would attend.

Laura: Yeah, of course!  [she notices a closet with ball gowns]  Oh, my gosh!  [she takes out a gown] Ball gowns?  Are we gonna get our strictly ballroom on?  Aaa!  Best haunting ever!  [she gives Carmilla a quick peck on the cheek and runs out excitedly]

Exterior of mansion

Carmilla (off camera): How’s it going in there?

Interior.  Carmilla’s sitting on a couch already in a dress while Laura’s struggling to get her dress on behind a dressing screen.

Laura: BBC period dramas do not spend enough time on how complicated these clothes are.  I swear, I’ve been in here for 40 minutes.  Hey, thanks for going along with this, by the way.

Carmilla: Well, what’s to go along with?  I like a canape as much as the next girl.

Laura: Still, it can’t be fun hanging out with you ....

Carmilla: Former victims?

Laura: No matter how nice they are.

Carmilla: Hmm, yeah, well, I’d appreciate it if they took it down a notch.

Laura: You’d prefer a roaring rampage of revenge?

Carmilla: Well, all this forgiveness is making me twitchy.

Laura (putting a choker on around her neck) You think maybe that’s cause deep down you still don’t think you can be forgiven?

Carmilla: I see we’ve reached the amateur psychoanalysis round.  See, this is why I blew off that therapist.  You know, some things are just too much to talk about in an office full of crystal dolphins.

Laura: I think maybe that’s the point of the talking

Carmilla: Yeah, except it wasn’t just talking, there was this manifes-

Laura steps out from behind the dressing screen.  Carmilla is completely dumbfounded by how Laura looks.

Laura: You aren’t saying anything.  Did I put it on wrong?  I look ridiculous.  I do.  I look ridiculous, I -

Carmilla gets up from the couch and approaches Laura.  They kiss.  They separate and Carmilla takes a long look at Laura.

Carmilla: Forty minutes to get you into that, hunh?  Bet I could get you out of it faster.

They kiss again.  Carmilla turns Laura around, her hand around her waist, kissing her collar

Laura: We’re already gonna be late for the ball

Carmilla: So let us be late.

Carmilla unzips Lauras dress, removing it, exposing her corset, Laura turns back around to face Carmilla, as they kiss.  Carmilla turns around and Laura removed her dress.

Laura drops to her knees, kissing Carmilla as she does.  She kisses the inside of Carmilla’s thigh, as Carmilla gently plays with her hair.  Laura stands up, briefly kissing Carmilla, and then breaking away to lie down on the bed,  Carmilla joins her on the bed, she kisses Laura, and then moves down her body, kissing her left breast.  Carmilla lifts up Laura’s skirt, and dives under it.  The camera focus on Laura’s face as she gasps in pleasure

Carmilla wipes her mouth as she goes in to kiss Laura.  Laura flips them over so that she’s on top.  Carmilla removes Laura’s corset leaving her topless (seen from behind), Laura drops back down to kiss Carmilla as Carmilal’s hands run along Laura’s back, scratching it, as Laura’s hand moves off screen, Carmilla moaning

We see Laura and Carmilla dressed fully again, with masquerade masks running down the stairs, Laura in the lead

Carmilla: I’m coming.

They reach the ballroom.  An unnamed ghost greets them.  There are several pairs of ghosts dancing, as well as LaF and Perry.  Mel is standing in the background watching, next to Charlotte.

LaF: Looking good, frosh!

Carmilla looks at Laura

Laura (laughing): What?

Carmilla: May I have this dance?

They go out on the dance floor, giggling, and start dancing

Perry: I’m sorry about the way I handled things last night.

LaF: It’s alright, I know you didn’t mean any of it.

Perry: I may have been a little harsh, but that doesn’t mean I was wrong.

LaF: Let’s not fight in front of the ghosts, honey.

Charlotte looks bored.

Mel: It’s not your thing either, hunh?

Charlotte: Emily has always wanted to belong to society.  I understood life differently.  [Mel looks at her]  If you have to conform, you never belonged.

Mel (smiling): Okay, how did you fall for Vampirella’s schtick?

Charlotte: I didn’t.  My sister vanished.  I went looking of her.  She’s never forgiven herself.

Mel: What about you?

Charlotte: I didn’t leave her then, how could I now?

Mel: You wanna try this stupid dance?

Charlotte: Obviously.

Mel and Charlotte dance.

We see several dancing couples, including Kirsch with another unnamed ghost-lady

Laura (slow-dancing very close with Carmilla): This is nice.  Kinda like that grad ball we never got ‘cause our school was a supernatural death trap.  [Carmilla chuckles]  I missed this.  I mean, not the pulse-pounding terror, but ... the parts where we help people.  Though, I do wish we’d figure out why the ghosts were here in the first place.

Carmilla: Hey, Laura ...

Laura: I know, no need to keep prying.  The ghosts will move on.  You will get your life back and ... we can go back home.

Carmilla: No.  I, um ... I think at that therapist’s appointment, I may have, um ...

Laura notices the table from her dream, and has a brief flashback to the dolls disintegrating and other scenes

Carmilla: Laura?

Laura: Sorry. Weird déjà vu.

Suddenly she sees dream!Carmilla for a brief second.  She backs away from Carmilla

Carmilla: Hey, what’s going on?

Laura: I though ... I thought I saw ... the woman in black, the ... you!  The you from my dreams, but that’s impossible, right?

Carmilla: Come on, let’s sit down.

Laura sits down on a chair

Laura: I’ll get you a drink, okay?

Laura has a dream-vision.  Carmilla, all in black, with a woman dressed in white with purple fringes.

Carmilla: Come with me, loving me, to death, or else hate me and still come with me, hating me through death and after

Laura snaps back to reality, LaF is next to her.

LaF: Are you okay?

Carmilla arrives with two glasses of champaign.  Laura notices a woman dressed in black, with a mask.  Laura gets up, rushing to where she saw the woman, but the woman is gone.

Laura: Where is she?

Carmilla: Hey ...

Laura: She was right here!

Mel: What’s going on, Hollis?

Laura: The woman in black, the one wearing a mask

Mel: Everybody’s wearing a mask.  [to Charlotte] Do you know who she’s talking about?

Charlotte (to Laura): Maybe if you’re not feeling well, you should sit down.

Laura: I’m dreaming things while I’m awake now.  What’s next?

A light glow fills the room.

Emily: It’s almost time!  The Ash Moon has begun.  Gather round for the ritual.

Skip to all the ghosts plus Carmilla in a circle around a black table (the same one from Laura’s dream), Laura and the others are standing outside of the circle.

Emily: Before we begin, I want to say how grateful we are.  Whatever you’ve done in the past, you’ve come to help us now, and I think that shows a strength of character that is quite remarkable.

Carmilla: Yeah, sure.

Charlotte: It’s time, Emily.

Perry: It’s your last night on Earth.  Are you sure you don’t want another drink before you go?

Charlotte: The ritual must be performed before the Ash Moon ends at sunrise.  Otherwise, we’re trapped here forever.  So, no.

Emily begins reciting some foreign language and places a broach in the center of the table, the one from Laura’s dream

Carmilla: Wait, that’s the broach that I ...

Emily and Charlotte place her hands on the broach, and she gasps, frozen.  The ghosts join hands.

Laura: Carm?

A glowing light appears from Carmilla’s chest, moving into the broach.

LaF: That’s Carmilla’s spark!  It’s leaving her!  Wh-why is it going in to the broach?

The ghosts start shaking and seizing

Kirsch: Uh ... guys?

LaF (looking worried) Did that spell say anything about spirit entanglement?

Emily: It’s not supposed to happen like this!

Laura: Something’s wrong!

She starts to approach the circle, but is stopped by Perry

Perry: Laura, stay back, it’s dangerous!

Laura: We have to stop the ritual!

Emily: I can’t!  It’s out of control!

Suddenly Emily disappears, in a brief flame, which spread through the circle

Unnamed ghost: We’ve been tricked!

Charlotte: I don’t want to go back!

LaF: We need to disrupt the circle!

LaF rushes towards the circle to try to break it.  They free Charlotte from the circle, but get caught themself, pushing Charlotte back into Laura before they disappear.

Perry: LaF!

Laura rushes twoards Carmilla

Perry: Don’t touch Carmilla, it will take you too!

A masked woman appears, the same woman we saw earlier, humming.

Woman (to Carmilla): Did you think you’d get away with it?  Summon us up to ease your mind and then just waltz away?  Did you really think there’d be no consequences?

Laura: It’s you.

The woman removes her mask, revealing herself to be Elle.

Elle: Surprise!  Not the brightest little ingénue, are we?

She grabs the broach.  There’s a bright light and a high-pitched ring as everyone falls back.  When the light fades, everyone’s on the floor, geting up.  Except Carmilla, who’s not getting up.  Elle takes something from the table and leaves.

Kirsch notices a pile of dust where LaF had been

Kirsch: Is that pile of dust LaFontaine?

Perry: They’re j-... they’re just ... they’re just gone

Mel (to Charlotte): Are you okay?

Laura (off screen): Carm?

Charlotte: I need to hide

Charlotte runs off

The camera shifts to Laura and Carmilla, Carmilla’s on the floor, not moving

Laura: Carm?  Carm?  [Checks Carmilla’s pulse]  Carm!  [Laura starts shaking her] Carm!  Hey!  Hey!  C’mon, hey!  [slaps Carmilla’s cheeks trying to wake her up]  Carm!  Hey!  Hey!  Hey!  Hey!

Carmilla opens her eyes

Carmilla: Hey ...

Laura pulls her up and they embrace.  Laura’s eyes widen in shock

Laura: Your heart.  It’s not beating.  You’re a vampire.

The camera shifts to Elle at the front door, trying to get out, but the door is still stuck.

Elle: Nooo!!!!  Why won’t it work?  I’ve sent all the ghosts away!  [takes out broach and starts chanting in foreign language again; she tries again with no success]  Did one of them escape me?

Back in the bedroom, Kirsch is changing, while Perry reads the book.

Kirsch: So, did I miss something, or did that go radically not as planned?

Laura: It was Elle.  She was at the masquerade.  She knew about the ritual, she knew exactly what was going to happen.

Kirsch: How could she have known?

Carmilla: Because Emily and Charlotte lied to us.  They had to have known she was here

Laura: You think vacuumed, screaming back to a hellish nightmarescape was part of their plan?  [Perry and Carmilla look at her]  Sorry.  We will figure this out.  We will find LaF.  Why would Elle do this?

Carmilla (holding a bottle of hemo-soy): You heard her, to punish me for what I did by stealing my life.  [drinks from the bottle]

Laura: But she can’t steal anything, she’s trapped here just like us unless all the ghosts move on.

Perry: But the ghosts are gone.  All of them except Elle and Charlotte.  Elle can’t leave until Charlotte is also sent back to the nightmare land, like all the other ghosts.  LaF thwarted her plan

Carmilla: And now that my spark’s in the broach and Elle has the broach, if she gets rid of Charlotte, she could become human and leave.

Laura: We have to find her.  Now.

Mel (entering the room): That’s easier said then done.  Miss Sheridan is gone, girl.

Carmilla: Not to mention we don’t exactly know how to extract a life force from a magical broach.

Carmilla sets down the now-empty bottle of hemo-soy, and picks up another one

Mel: You may want to go easy on those, that's the only case

Carmilla: Terrific.

Laura: But, Elle must have the spell already.  I mean, that’s her escape plan, right?  So we have to find Elle before she gets to Charlotte, then Perry can find the spell to put your spark back -

Perry: Laura, what are you talking about?  We have to find LaF first.

Laura: Of course, of course, we have to find both of them, but if we lose Elle now, then all of use are trapped -

Perry: We have to find Elle later, LaF comes first!

Laura: We can’t just let her take Carmilla’s life!

Awkward silence as everyone looks at each other

Kirsch: We could start in the study

Mel: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but beefcheeks is right.  We don’t have much time.

Mel, Kirsch, and Perry leave the room.  Carmilla approaches Laura, touching her arm.  Laura pulls away

Laura: I need to get out of this dress

Carmilla: It will be easier if you let someone help

Carmilla reaches for Laura, Laura spins around facing her angrily

Laura: Did you summon up the ghosts?  Because that’s what she said, Elle, that you summoned her up.

Carmilla: I think it’s ... possible.

Laura: Possible?  How do you not know whether you summoned up the ghosts of your former victims who maybe want some light, refreshing revenge?

Carmilla: Because, it was just something stupid that happened at the therapist’s appointment!

Laura: What?

Carmilla: She ... said I could never move forward unless I dealt with my past, so ... she had me think about Elle and the others, and, you know, there was the usual “manifest your issues” crap, but ... I had completely forgotten about it until my issues actually ... manifested

Laura: And when were you going to share this little piece of information with me?

Carmilla: I was waiting for the right moment.

Laura: You know what would’ve been a good moment?  Any time before the ghost of your former lover killed you!  (starting to cry)  She killed you.  I thought she killed you.

Carmilla: Hey [opens arms] come here [Laura embraces her, sobbing against her] I’m still here.  OK?  I’m still here.  We’re gonna get my life back, okay?  And all those things we want, every single point on your five-year plan, we’re gonna do them, okay?  Okay, let’s get you out of this thing.

We switch to Mel, Perry, and Kirsch in the study

Perry: Either Emily decoded the spell wrong, or Elle tricked her.  The spell she did cast used Carmilla’s spark to force the ghosts off to the nightmare land that Emily described.

Mel: You think that’s where the braniac ended up?  [Perry nods]  You think you can get them back?

Perry: I think the real moving-on spell might do it.  But, that means we only have till sunrise to find the code key.  [Mel looks out the window at the moon]  And I’ll need Carmilla’s spark.

Mel: Well, that makes getting the broach back priority number one.  Hollis’ll be chuffed.  [looking at Perry] Perry, LaFontaine knows you’re looking for them.  They know.  It’s what we do.

Mel slaps Perry’s leg in comfort.  Perry returns the gesture

Back in the bedroom, Laura’s in her regular clothes, and Carmilla’s putting on a shirt.  A humming sound is heard, and Laura flashes to another dream sequence.

Carmilla enters a room, looking very happy, dressed in white

Carmilla: It’s done!  We leave tonight.  In three days, we’ll be on an ocean liner headed for New York.

Elle looks less than thrilled.  She stands up from where she was sitting

Carmilla: You’re gonna love New York!  It’s full of ... concerts, and theater, and ... life.  Your life life is gonna be so much bigger than you ever imagined!

Elle has now been replaced by Laura.  Laura!Ell turns aroung to face Carmilla.

Carmilla: Wh-what are you doing?

The humming returns.  Elle appears creepily sliding up Laura, she takes Laura’s right hand, a knife now in it, and slices her left palm open.

We suddenly return to the real world, Laura’s completing the slicing motion

Carmilla: Laura!  Hey!  Are you alright?

She looks down and sees Laura’s palm sliced open.

Laura: What in Stoker’s name is going on?

Time-skip.  Perry and Mel are now present.  Perry is getting gauze out of a first aid kit while Mel supports Laura’s hand.

Mel: So Elle can dream-kabob you in real life?  Is that a normal ghost thing?  Are we supposed to know they could do that?

Laura: She’s sent me dreams before.  This is the first time she’s reached out and slashed me.

The camera focuses on Carmilla, looking broodily out the window

Perry: Oh, dear

Laura: No, no, no, no, no.  Not “oh dear”, we do not need an “oh dear” right now.

The conversation becomes slightly muted, as we hear the sound of beating hearts

Perry: Well, I mean, I’m still deciphering, but there’s several spells in this book which might make ghosts much more powerful, especially in the dream world.

The camera shifts back to Laura, Mel, and Perry

Laura: Right, so Elle’s faster, better, stronger.  Can we undo that?  Use the book to soup ourselves up?

Perry (reading): “Side effects may include ... anxiety, insomnia, dream contagion, and ... death”

Laura: So ... no.  Wait ... dream contagion?  Is that like ... sometimes in the dreams it’s like she can’t completely control them, like I’m seeing things that she wouldn’t want me to see.  Like just now, I saw you getting ready to leave for New York.

Carmilla: No one’s going anywhere until we find Charlotte.  The Craft here will keep researching.  You, Mel, and frat-boy can ... [notices that Kirsch isn’t around] Where’s the frat boy?

Mel: That burrito-chomping, protein-powder-snorting, gullible, mush-brained ...

We see a pile of ash with a sandwich on it

Mel: ... dope.

We pan up to see Carmilla, Perry, Laura, and Mel looking at what used to be Kirsch.

Mel: I told him

Perry: It’s the same as LaF.

Laura: Okay, we have to find Charlotte and get that broach back before Elle finishes this little re-enactment of And Then There Were None.

External view: The moon in the sky

Laura (voiceover): Search every nook and cranny, Charlotte has to be somewhere

Carmilla: Be careful.  Elle knows this place better than we ever will.

We see Laura and Carmilla searching.  They enter a room, and Carmilla looks at the books on a mantle.  She pulls one out as Laura watches.

Another flasback-dream.  Laura (as Elle) lying on Carmilla’s lap as Carmilla reads from a book labelled Le Fanu Poems

Carmilla: “Girls are caterpillars while they live in the world, to be finally butterflies when the summer comes.  But in the meantime, there are grubs and larvae, so says Monsieur Buffon”

There’s a thunderclap, and then we see Elle standing behind the couch

Elle: To think of the trouble I went to, [Laura gets up, running for the door] warning you, [Elle blocks her escape thinking you’d learn from my mistake.

Laura: Yeah, cause Carm’s the villain here.  Aren’t you the one zapping innocent people for no reason?

Carmilla: I’m doing it to keep what’s mine.

Laura: That life isn’t yours.

Elle: It’s what I’m owed.  And I wouldn’t waste it on some banal five-year plan.

Laura notices LaF drawing some kind of symbol on a mirror.

Laura: LaF?

The dream sequence ends abruptly, Carmilla’s still in the middle of taking the book out

Laura: LaF! I saw LaF!

We skip ahead, Laura sitting on a couch with a pad of paper, Perry and Mel on either side, and Carmilla behind them

Laura: Drawing some sort of symbol, looked like this ... or maybe like this.  [Laura’s drawing two versions of the symbol she saw in her dream]

Mel: How did you get past second grade?

Laura: I saw it for half a second in a ghost-induced nightmare, give me a break.

Carmilla: Any idea what it means?

Perry: No, but if LaF thinks it’s important enough to send from beyond the vale ... if I could just identify it, maybe it could hep decipher the moving-on spell.  I’ll try to figure this out, while you guys go get a life.

Laura gets up and moves toward the door

Carmilla (to Mel): Go with her, keep her safe.

Mel: What are you going to do?

Carmilla: Well, young lady stole my life and turned me back into a vampire?  So, I’m gonna remind her what that means.

Mel (to Perry): How about you?

Perry: Oh, I’ve got the EMF.  If it so much as chirps, I’ll shriek.

Mel gets up to follow Laura.  We see Mel and Laura heading down some stairs, as Perry studies the spell book, and the EMF detector produces static noise, and then starts beeping, Perry looks up.

We switch scenes to Carmilla entering a room, where Elle waits, facing away from the door.

Elle: I used to think you and I would spend our lives reading to each other.  If only I’d known how brief one of those lives was going to be.

Carmilla: Hello, Elle.

Elle: Is that all you have to say to me?  After what you did?

Carmilla: I never meant to hurt you.

Elle: Oh, don’t apologize.  [Elle turns around to face Carmilla]  It costs you nothing.

Carmilla: So, what?  This is about me paying for my sins?

Elle: You never even stopped to think if you deserved this life.  I’ve watched you.  All these years.  You've never thought of anyone but yourself.

Carmilla: Well, that’s some big talk coming from the girl who sent her friends to a nightmare land.

Elle: Me?  Oh, no, I’m just thinking about myself.  Oh, wait, I wonder who taught me that?

Carmilla rushes at Elle to hit her, but Elle vanishes and reappears by the door.

Elle: Oooh [chuckles] Not very ladylike, Miss Karnstein.

From off screen, Laura’s scream can be heard

Carmilla: Laura!

Elle: Better run, Carmilla.  These old house are so dangerous, after all.

We see Carmilla running with her supser-speed to the study, where Laura and Mel are already present

Laura: Damn it! [camera pans to the pile of ash that used to be Perry, there are various notes around her, the only one that can be seen clearly says “... is a giant trap??”]  Perry.  You never should’ve left her alone

Mel: No sign of the spell book, either.  [to Carmilla] I take it your little chat with the ghost of girlfriends past was a bust?

Carmilla: Yeah, I’m getting pretty sick of this haunting crap.

Charlotte: Imagine how we feel.  [All three turn around to see Charlotte in the room with them]  I’m wondering if we might be of assistance to each other.

Charlotte’s sitting on a couch with the others around her

Charlotte: Miss Sheridan said you would never go along with the spell if you knew she was with us.  I should’ve known that she only wanted your life for herself.  It was all she ever talked about.  The wide world that she’d been denied.  As if the same thing hadn’t happened to us all.  (to Mel)  I’m sorry about your friend.  I didn’t know what would happen when they pulled me back.

Laura: Can you help us get them back?

Charlotte: I don’t know.  But we have to stop Miss Sheridan.

Mel: You got any thoughts on the stopping front?

Charlotte: It’s me she wants, so perhaps ...

Another dream sequence.  Laura and Elle are alone in a room.  Laura’s sitting in a chair while Elle approaches her, pulling out a knife.

Laura: Do we really have to do this Nightmare on Elm Street crap?

Elle: Fine [turns around, then turns back, now holding a tray with a tea pot and tea cups, the room gets brighter] Let’s speak as reasonable women.  Elle sits down in the chair net to Laura’s, setting down the tea tray.  So.  Your friends are trapped beyond the veil.  You, Carmilla, and your ... trigger-happy accomplice are next.  Sugar?

Laura: ... sure

Elle: But, if you hand over Charlotte, and let me keep this life -

Laura: It isn’t yours to keep

Elle: That’s beside the point!  Let me keep it ... and I’ll bring your friends back.  You can all ... leave this place.

Elle hands Laura a tea cup, she accepts it warily

Laura: What happens to Charlotte?

Elle: Well, I’m afraid poor Charlotte will have to ... follow her sister.  But, you know that was always going to happen, so.

Laura: She’s just like you.  They all are.  Don’t they deserve a chance to move on?

Elle: Oh!  [laughs]  Oh, you haven’t figured it out yet.  The only way that Charlotte and Emily can reach their ... everlasting rest, is if Carmilla sacrifices her human life.  [Laura looks shocked]  So, let’s not pretend that you’d sacrifice Carmilla’s life for a few wayward spirits, any more than I would.

Laura: You can’t just leave them trapped in a nightmare!

Elle: You’d let your friends die in here to ... help them?

Laura: There has to be another way!

Elle: Ugh!  You’ve had your chance.  [the room darkens again, thunder cracks]  Whatever happens now is your fault.

Laura’s back in the real world, gasping back to consciousness

Carmilla: Elle?  Are you alright?  Did she do anything to yo uin the dreamscape?

Laura: No.  I just wanna get her out of my head.  I wanna get your life back.

Carmilla: Well, we think we can lure her out into the open by using Charlotte as bait.

Laura: You’d do that for us?

Charlotte: There’s only a few hours left of the Ash Moon.  If Emily and I want to move on, it’s our only chance.

External shot of mansion, shots of various rooms.  We see Charlotte coming down the stairs

Elle: There you are!  You know, it’s impolite to cause your host so much trouble.

Charlotte: I’m sure I’ll find a way to repay you.

Elle grabs Charlotte’s neck, pushing her up against a wall.

Laura appears, followed by Carmilla, and then Mel with her crossbow, surrounding her

Elle: A trap?  You aren’t serious.

Carmilla: Vampire, warrior, journalist.  I like our chances.  Let’s have a little chat about taking things that don’t belong to us.

Elle: You first

Elle zooms over to Mel, vanishing her into Ash

Charlotte: Mel!

Elle: Best get the broom out.  [kicks the pile of ashes, then zooms over to do the same to Charlotte]  Look at that.  Then there were three.  [to Laura]  You should’ve taken up my offer, sweetheart.

Carmilla: Offer?

Elle: Your life for you friends.  Don’t worry, Laura declined when she discovered that Emily and Charlotte can’t move on without destroying your precious spark.

Carmilla: You’ll never be able to enjoy it.  You’ll spend the rest of your days looking over your shoulder  [Rushes to grab Elle’s arm]  Wondering if it’s my step you hear at the door.

Elle attempts to slice Carmilla with her knife, but Carmilla dodges too quickly.

Elle: I’ll take my chances.  I’ve got the broach.  There’s nothing you can do to stop me.

Carmilla: Maybe not.  But she knows krav maga.

Elle: What?

Laura grabs Elle’s arm, wrestling the knife out of it, they fight

Laura: Why do people always forget that?

Elle, Laura, and Carmilla fight for the broach.  A bright glow appears from teh light, and they all disappear.

Laura appears in a blank white space

Laura: Hello?  Carm?  Carm!  [creepy whispers and howling wind are all we can hear]  Pull yourself together, Hollis.

Laura finds herself back in a dream version of the mansion.  She sees Carmilla’s rebirthday cake on the same table that they’d performed the ritual at before.  The cake then turns into the broach.  Laura picks it up.  She hears herself, speaking in a sad, almost-monotone, fashion

Dream!Laura: Oh, crap, we’re live?  [Laura turns and sees a version of herself dressed in grey, with a microphone for news 9 (the same as in the “local news” clips from the beginning).  Behind her is a twisted version of her 5-year plan, with all the goals turned into failures]  Today, on Toronto News 9, it’s harsh reality.  Abandon your childhood dreams for the dubious security of  a subpar paycheck.  Spend your days glorifying clickbait and your nights letting fear and misery drive away friends and loved ones.  Accept that life is an unbroken chain of mediocrity stretching on and on and on.  This is Laura Hollis reporting live from a failed career.

Laura notices Elle approaching and runs down the stairs away from her

Elle: I want my life, you little thief!  I want my life!

Laura opens a door, and appears in a brightly-lit room with dream!Carmilla and dream!Elle

Laura: Doors are arbitrary.  Wonderful

Dream!Carmilla: Oh, you’re gonna love New York.  There’s theaters and conerts and ... life.

Laura: Wait, I know this.  I dreamed this.

Dream!Carmilla: Your life is going to be so much bigger than you’ve ever imagined.  What are you doing?

We see Dream!Elle taking out a knife.  The real Elle appears, grabbing Laura and dragging her out by the ears

Elle: You don’t belong here!

Laura runs off, with Elle continuing to follow her.

She appears in another room, with a weeping Emily being held by Charlotte

Dream!Emily: She laughed.  Miss Sheridan, she laughed at the very idea of ... Why did I trust her?  Why did I not ... I was supposed to keep you safe.

Laura: Oh, God.  Poor Emily.  Poor Charlotte.

Elle appears in the doorway.

Elle: Do you know what will happen if you die here?

Laura: Let me guess.  I die in the real world too

Elle: Worse.  You’ll be trapped, in this hell made of dead minds.  I wonder if you’ll feel so sympathetic then?

Laura: Is that what happened to you?

Elle: I don’t want your pity.  I want my life!  [Elle grabs Laura] I can take it from you living, or I can take it from you dead.

Laura: You’ve seen my dreams.  [she kicks Elle in the stomach] Have I ever gone down without a fight?

Laura runs off.  She runs into another room, which is the same one from before

Laura: Stuck in an endless loop of someone else’s damage.  Classic me.

Dream!Carmilla: Oh, you’re gonna love New York.  There’s theaters and concerts and ... life.

Laura notices the real Carmilla behind a couch, watching

Laura: Oh, Carm!  Carm!  [she runs over to real Carmilla]

Dream!Carmilla (partly overlapping with Laura): Your life’s gonna be so much bigger than you ever imagined!  What are you doing?

Dream!Elle slices her left palm.  Dream!Carmilla looks away

Dream!Elle: I met a woman in the village today.  She said strange things about you.  [Dream!Elle raises her palm, lifting it towards dream!Carmilla]  What’s wrong?  Why won’t you look at me, Carmilla?  LOOK AT ME!

Dream!Carmilla looks up, for a brief second, her fangs appear, she hisses and moves towards Elle, before she stops herself.  But it’s too late.

Dream!Elle: She was right.  You’re a monster.

Dream!Carmilla: I can explain ...

Dream!Elle: Oh, I’ve heard enough of your lies.  All your promises.  All your talk of a new life.

Dream!Carmilla: No, not lies, in the colonies, things’ll be different!  No one will know us! You’ll see that!

Dream!Elle: As if I would go anywhere with you now.  No.  My new friend is waiting in a carriage below.  She is going to take me travelling  She’ll show me the wonders of the world.

Dream!Carmilla is horrified, shaking her head

Dream!Carmilla: No, you can’t go with her.  Elle, I know, I know I lied, but the horror she has planned for you is much worse than -

Dream!Elle: Worse?!  Worse than saying that she loved me ... [whispered]  while she drank my blood?  [loud]  WHILE SHE DRANK MY BLOOD?

Dream!Carmilla (on the verge of tears): Please ...

Dream!Elle: Don’t worry.  I’ve told her where you are.  She’ll send someone to deal with you.

Dream!Elle leaves the room, as dream!Carmilla falls to her knees sobbing

The camera then pans to Dream!Elle in the room as at the start

Laura: What, is this on repeat?  How many times have you watche this?

Dream!Carmilla (entering the room): It’s done.  We leave tonight.  In three days, we’ll be on an ocean liner headed for New York.

The real Elle appears, Laura and Carmilla hide.  Elle leaves

Dream!Carmilla: You’re gonna love New York  There’s theaters and concerts and ... life!  Oh, your life’s gonna be so much bigger than you ever imagined!

Laura leads the real Carmilla out of the room.  They’re now in a staircase.

Laura: Hey!  Hey.  It’s okay.  Hey, you are not there anymore.  You are here, with me, right now.  And I have the broach.  [she places the broach in Carmilla’s hand]  If you can just ... absorb it.  [Nothing happens]

Carmilla: Nothing.

Laura:  Of course not.  Of course we still need some stupid spell! 

Carmilla: Maybe I should give her my life.

Laura: What?   Carm, you can’t!  She’s unhinged!

Carmilla: Not to her ... to them.  Laura, everything you saw in there ... it’s everything I’ve been avoiding for years.  Pretending like being human meant I didn’t do all of those awful things.  How is it fair that I get this life while they’re just trapped here?  After everything I’ve done?

Laura: Okay.  [sniffles]  Okay, [sniffles] A, let’s acknowledge that Ell and your mother share some of this blame, and B, we will figure out another way, a way that doesn’t involve you giving up your life.

Carmilla: You mean find a way to avoid responsibility?  Mmm-mm [shakes head]  You heard Elle, there’s no other way.  It’s my life for their freedom.

Laura: What about our life together?  Our future?  You’re just gonna give up on that?

Carmilla: Laura, I’m not giving up on that - 

Laura: Cause, we’re supposed to have arguments over who does dishes, and cupcakes to celebrate big days at work, and grandkids.  What is that gonna look like if you can live like you’re 25 forever?

Carmilla: You think I don’t want those things, too?

Laura: Please don’t give up on our life.

Carmilla: I’m not giving up.  But I can’t keep running away.  Not after what I’ve done.

Laura: Okay  [they kiss, then in barely a whisper:]  Thank you.  [normal volume]  Let’s go save some ghosts

We see Elle, pissed off by the front door.

Laura and Carmilla walk through a passageway.  A hooded figure in black passes them by, the same ifgure from the dream where Laura saw Carmilla being lowered into the blood-coffin

Laura: Seriously?  People can’t just dream about being audited?

They see LaF standing the hallway.

Laura: LaF! [runs to LaF, huggin them] How did you --- ?

LaF: Escape my personal hell?  I’ve been through, like, three apocalypses, I can tell the difference.

Laura: Have you found any of the others?

LaF: Funny you should mention that.  [LaF opens a door]  I’ve been trying to wake her, but she keeps confusing me for ... me.

Perry is watching herself doing paperwork, with Dream!LaF beside her

Dream!Perry: That’s form 83-B done.  [a pile of papers appears beside Dream!Perry]  Just filing a hundred of these daily ...

Dream!LaF: You don’t mind taking care of these right?  There’ll be just, like, 5 or 6 million pages.  You can do this alone; you don’t need me.  See you in six years.

Laura wakes the real Perry

Perry: Laura?  What are you doing in my ... strangely bureaucratic nightmare?

Laura: Elle zapped us into nightmare land.  We have to do the spell before sunrise which is coming up fast.

Perry: Well, I had to read the pages before Elle zapped me, but without the code key to decipher the spell -

LaF (clearing their throat): I've got the code key.

Perry: Oh!  Yes, the symbol!  Do you have the full thing?

LaF: Uh, yeah, I’ve literally got a photographic memory [LaF points at their cybor ete]

Perry: Oh, I could just kiss you on your robot eye!

Sadly, there is no kiss.

The four walk down a hallway, rescuing others from their dreams

Laura (to Mel): You’re safe

Kirsch: Why are people always hunting me for sport?

Perry (leading the others to the room where the ritual is to be performed): Okay, circle up.  We don’t need to hold hands or anything, the spell is much more powerful.  But, it might be more cozy that way.

Mel: So, what happens to us after the ghosts move on?

Perry: Oh, um, well, we’ll either find ourselves back at the schloss, or cease to exist entirely.

Mel: It’s better than our usual odds

Emily: I’m sorry, not to criticize any plan that would clearly be so much to our benefit, but ...

Charlotte: Doesn’t that mean you have to give up your human life?

Carmilla: Yeah.  Well, I’m responsible for what happened to you, so ... this is how I can help.

Carmilla sets the broach down.  It turns into Carmilla’s rebirthday cake.

Kirsch: Woah, what happened to the, uh ...

Laura: It’s a cake now.  Don’t ask.

Kirsch: Okay.

Carmilla: Alright, uh, let’s get this ritual started before I change my mind.

Perry pulls out a piece of paper and starts chanting in an foreign language.  Carm leans over, to blow out the candles on the cake, when Elle suddenly grabs her from behind with a knife

Laura: Carm!

Elle: You think I’m gonna let you do this?  Steal everything from me again?!

Laura: But Carm really isn’t the one who you blame for that, is she?  I’ve seen that moment between you two over and over again.  You had everything that you ever wanted and you gave it up because you were afraid.

Elle: They lied to me.  Carmilla, her mother, they betrayed and murdered me!

Laura: You’re right, it isn’t fair what happened to you, but that’s not an excuse. Everything that you’re doing right now, hurting everyone else, hurting yourself, it’s just because you’re afraid of what comes next, but you don’t have to be.  We can help you, we can help you find the peace you’ve always been looking for!

Elle: No!  No, I don’t want your platitudes!  I want my - 

Elle is suddenly stopped by an arrow shot by Mel

Mel: Your life.  You want your life.  Yeah, we know.  But it’s not all about you.  And you’re a part of this.  So, stay put.

Elle slides to the ground, injured, the arrow in her shoulder

Carmilla: Nice shot!

Mel: I’ve been waiting to do that since we got here

Laura and Carmilla embrace.  The circle is reformed, as Elle sits quietly in the background

LaF: So, you’re kinda rocking the fieldwork these days, hunh?  Think if we got more admin help, you’d be able to come out more?

Perry: I think I could ... find some time to play.

Charlotte (to Emily): We’re almost free of all this

Emily: You shouldn’t have been drawn into it to begin with.

Charlotte: It was 1872.  If we hadn’t been killed by vampires, it would’ve been, I don’t know, tuberculosis?

Laura: Oddly specific

Charlotte: Each day was made better because you tried to make it such.  I don’t regret a thing.  [to Mel] Thank you for the dance.  I wish there could be another, but ...

Mel: I get it.  You gotta leave with the one that brung you.

Charlotte: Would you like to ... ?

Mel: Obviously.

Charlotte and Mel kiss.  Everyone looks happy for them, except Elle who just looks annoyed by the delay

Elle: Ugh, can we please just move on already?

Perry resumes the spell.  Carmilla blows out the candles, all but one.

Someone: Ah, it’s working!

Charlotte and Emily vanish in glowing sparkles, followed by Elle.  Then Mel and Kirsch vanish, followed by LaF and Perry, leaving just Laura and Carmilla.

Carmilla: What the hell now?

Laura: I guess with all the ghosts gone, there’s no reason for this place to exist anymore.  So ... it worked.  Hooray.  [looking at Carmilla]  Sorry about before.  I think I’ve been so focused on chasing after your life cause it seemed a lot easier than trying fixing my own.

Carmilla: Hey, you’re Laura Hollis.  [chuckles]  And I’ve watched you fight vampires ... and gods and even that lady who tried to butt us in line at the craft fair. [they bloth laugh] So, you’re gonna figure it out.  Whatever happens next, we’re gonna do it together.

Carmilla prepares to blow out the remaining candle

Laura: If this goes Romeo and Juliet on us, I’m totally gonna haunt your ass.

Carmilla: Of course you are.

They kiss, and then Carmilla blows out the remaining candle.

They find themselves lying on the floor, sunlight coming, holding hands.

Laura: Well, that was a kick.

Laura’s walkie-talkie beeps

Perry (on walkie talkie): Where are you guys?

LaF (on walkie talkie): Is everyone okay, over?

Laura: Affirmative.  Laura and  Carm A-OK.  Over.

Laura and Carmilla get up

LaF: Front door’s unlocked

Perry: Oh!  Meet you outside

LaF: You’re supposed to say over

Perry: Over.

Carmilla: Let’s get the hell out of Styria.

Laura and Carmilla walk out of the schloss, joining the rest.  Kirsch hands them their bags.

Kirsch: I call dibs on window!

Montage: Walking down the path, then taking a train, then a plane landing, then back to Toronto.  The group is having a picnic, and we see Danny in the background talking to Kirsch.  Laura and Carmilla are sharing a bottle of champagne

Carmilla (holding champagne bottle as if microphone): And, how does it feel, Ms. Hollis, to officially be a freelance journalist at large?

Laura: I made a huge mistake!  What have I done?  I quit my job!  I gave up my cubicle!  I don’t have a plan!  What’m I supposed to do without a plan?  [Laura starts laughing, joined by Carmilla]  Only about half of that was actual panic, so pretty good, right?

Carmilla: Yeah.  I’m  just gonna go get some blood, babe.

They kiss.  The camera pans over to LaF and Perry, looking at some kidn of electronic device.

LaF: So ... this is a blueprint?

Perry: Yep, these are the blueprints they sent over.  And, oh, check this out.  They have an industrial-sized cleaning closet, and I was thining we could put your reactor over here in this corner.

LaF: That is a beautiful thing.

Carmilla: Selling out going smoothly?

LaF: Uh, we’re retaining executive control over LaFerry at Intrigue.  And they’re giving us a thorium reactor.  A thorium reactor!

The camera pans over to Kirsch and Danny

Kirsch: It was really scary.

Danny: It sounds a little cushy.

Kirsch: But it was a totally legit adventure.  You know, there were ghosts and this haunted mansion and then, you know, this weird netherworld

Danny: And comfy beds and midnight snacks, and a masquerade ball

Kirsch: Look, I even have that mark where I was ghost-zapped.  Look.  No, seriously look!

Danny: No, I see it

Kirsch: It’s there, look!

Danny: Okay, I see it, you can put it away now.

The camera pans over to Mel.  Laura’s standing by her, with a sympathetic look

Mel: Okay, don’t give me pity eyes, Hollis.  Like you never had a crush on a dead girl.

Laura: That does sound familiar.

They touch foreheads

Mel: Thanks

Laura walks over to Carmilla

Laura: So, Carmilla Karnstein, a vampire again.  What’s next?

Carmilla: I’m thinking ... maybe my PhD in Philosophy.  Hey, attend university for 70-odd years, and you rack up a few credits.

Laura: I’m so proud of you.

Carmilla: You’re not worried about how we’ll spend our lives together?

Laura: I figure any two people in a relationship, their lives move at different speeds.  That isn’t the part that matters.  This, here, right now.  This is what matters.  And I love you.

Carmilla: I love you too.

They kiss, and then look at the cityscape together as the credits begin

Credits scenes

Montage of various scenes of Laura reporting from various locations

Laura: I’m Laura Hollis and this is a web exclusive for Creampuffington Post.  We’re talking today with veteran dragonslayer Elizabeth Spielsdorf about the great apocalypse of 2015

Laura: Hi, I’m Laura Hollis on assignment in Graz where we’re just in time for the ribbon cutting ceremony on the JP Armitage Memorial Library

Laura: I’m Laura Hollis reporting live from the Geneva Summit on the Rights of Were-People

Laura: I’m Laura Hollis reporting to you live from Iceland where scientists have made a breakgthrough discovery of the first drinkable Fountain of Youth

Laura: A scandal brewing tonight on the steps of the capital as the President, who last month was revealed to be an as-yet unidentified species of lizard creature with very small hands, refuses to produce his long-form hatching certificate.  This is senior correspondent Laura Hollis for MSSSN-BCD

Credits roll.  Pictures of Laura and Carmilla with a baby

Post-Credits scene

Laura and Carmilla asleep in bed.  Carmilla wakes up.  She yawns, and gets up, walking to the kitchen.  She opens the fridge and pulls out a bottle of hemo-soy.  Mattie shows up

Carmilla: Hey, Mattie. 

Mattie: Hey, sis.

Carmilla: Why are you ...

Mattie: Back from the underworld and lounging in your charmingly Bohemian pied-a-terre?

Carmilla: For starters.

Mattie: You and I and the little ingénue that could are going on a road trip.  Turns out the anglerfish was female.  Before it died, it laid eggs.  Just an alarming number of eggs.

Carmilla takes a sip of hemo-soy

Carmilla: Alright, let’s get going.

Back to previous episode

We open up inside a diner.  Laura’s sitting in a booth, while Carmilla sits behind the counter, and LaFontaine and Perry are looking out the window, Laura and Carmilla also looking in that direction

Perry: Can you see them?  Are they still coming?

LaFontaine: I think we lost them in those trees that looked like wicker people.

Perry: What about there?  That could be the torches.  Get down!

LaFontaine and Perry duck.  Laura turns towards the camera.

Laura: Hey ... everyone who still might be watching, and welcome to the Christmas version of this vlog, happening in this very creepy diner instead of my Dad’s nice cozy home all because of our unexpected need to flee the Silas campus several days ago.  And, because when we finally hiked to the nearest town and tried to explain our situation, someone (looks at Carmilla) ... tried to bite their mayor.  So they formed a mob.

Perry: With torches!

LaFontaine: And pitchforks!

Laura: And chased us here.  Happy holidays!

Carmilla: I still don’t see why you killjoys stopped me.  One less politician in the world.

Laura: It’s Christmas.  You don’t murder people for Christmas!

Carmilla: A holiday where you can’t kill people is a stupid holiday.

Perry: All of you!  Sssh!  They will hear us!

LaFontaine: Actually ... it kinda looks like they’re moving away.

Carmilla: Or at least not getting any closer.  (Pause)  Well, I guess we can just hole up here.  Wherever here is.

Carmilla joins Laura at the booth

Laura: Hole up here?  How long is that gonna be?

Carmila: Do you wanna go send the Bobbsey Twins out there to ask them?

Laura: So we’re just stuck here indefinitely?  Awesome.

Carmilla: What’s with you?  Did one of those Styrian whackjobs graze you with a pitchfork?

Laura: No, no.  I’m fine.

Perry: Well, it could be much worse.  It looks like this used to be some kind of diner ... or bakery or something.  And looks like we can find some food.

LaFontaine (reaching for some cookies): Waaay ahead of you

Perry smacks a cookie out of their hand

Perry: I’m not sure those are edible.  Ooo, a hot chocolate machine!

Carmilla: Alright, I’m gonna regret this, but what’s wrong?

Laura: Oh, I don’t know - maybe that we had to flee school and hike through mountains.  (Perry and LaFontaine find some snacks and start eating)  And there’s no cell coverage, so my Dad probably thinks I died in an earthquake and ... and there’s a mob chasing us and it’s Christmas!  And I’m supposed to be watching the BBC Christmas Specials with my Dad, and, and making gingerbread and hot chocolate and ... and you think all that’s stupid.

Carmilla: And useless and sentimental.  But when has that ever stopped you before?  Come on!  We’ll stick candles in expired East German snack cakes and ... we’ll have our own Christmas.

Laura: Yeah.  It’s not the same.

Weird glitchiness with weird creepy music, and when it’s passed, there are mugs in front of Laura and Carmilla.

Carmilla: Was someone just here?

Laura: Were those here before?

Perry offers Carmilla and Laura some of the snacks they’d been eating.  Carmilla shakes her head.

LaFontaine: Corn syrup and diglycerides, baby.

Perry: Normally I’m not a fan of mass-produced confections, but these are amazing!

LaFontaine: Remember those cookies your mom used to make for Hanukkah?

Perry (while screen goes glitchy again): Oh, yes, remember those ones with the little candy canes bits and the -

LaFontaine: So, that’s kinda weird.

Suddenly a woman with a thick accent appears.  In a Carmilla first, we get a non-vlog-style camera angle

Mama Claus: Can I help you girls?

Laura: Sorry!  We just ... didn’t know anyone else was here, what with the dust and the spiders and everything

Mama Claus: Oh, don’t be silly.  This is the Klaus Kuchen Haus, the most famous Christmas Destination in all of Austria.  We had to build it here after we left the pole.  That unfortunate business with the reindeer, you know.  But look at you poor birds.  Exhausted, all alone, so far from home!  Let Mama whip you up a Christmas treat!  All of your favorite things, let me see, we have, uh, (to LaFontaine), Peppermint fudge (to Perry) and cranberry tarts, (to Carmilla) and ... blood ... sausage?  Eukh (to Laura) and gingerbread with cider

Gingerbread appears in front of Laura

Laura: That’s amazing!

Mama Claus: Try the gingerbread!  It’s my specialty

Carmilla: Oh, really.  So, when I offer, it’s all “you don’t understand, Carmilla”, “Oh, you can’t kill people for Christmas, Carmilla”.  But some old diner lady hauls out her creepy gingerbread and - (Carmilla picks up a gingerbread man decorated with blood; a faint scream comes from the cookie) Her really ... creepy gingerbread ...

Mama Claus (to Laura) What’s the matter, sweet girl?  Would you like something else?  Some jelly beans or gum drops, or chocolate cake or marzipan?

Laura: No, that’s okay - this is wonderful.  It’s just - I miss my dad.

Carmilla is looking very suspicious of the whole situation

Mama Claus: Of course you do.  I miss all my little helpers.  And my fat husband.

Laura: Did something happen to them?

Mama Claus: Well, once the customers stopped coming, certain ... sacrifices had to be made, you know.  They didn’t agree with Kris and his elfen.  But, food can be such a comfort.  You just let the sugar and the butter and the spice fill you up to the brim.  It’s the stuff of life!

Laura: Gingerbread cookies?

Mama Claus: Of course!

Carmilla: Um, can I borrow you for a second?

Laura: Yeah, sure!

They move away from Mama Claus

Laura: You want a cookie?

Carmilla: Maybe later.  (Pause)  You don’t think any of this is suspicious?

Laura: Any of what?

Carmilla: Uh, the magical treats?  The angry mob too scared to come in here? The gingerbread dioramas of doom?

Laura: Please, she is literally Mama Claus.  A sweet lady who likes Christmas.

Carmilla: Have you seen those things?

Laura: Okay, just because you hate the holidays -

Carmilla: This isn’t about me hating Christmas.

Laura: Fine!  (Returns to her seat) Whatever you say, Scrooge McVampire.

Laura picks up a gingerbread cookie to eat, but Carmilla snatches it away from her

Laura: Seriously?  Fine.  There’s plenty more merry where that came from.

Laura joins Perry and LaFontaine.  Carmilla sits down with a sigh.

Carmilla (to LaFontaine and Perry): You two are a lot of help.

Laura: Weird, Christmas-hating vampire.  (Bites a cookie aggressively)  Whe probably goes around pretending to be Krampus and telling kids Santa dies in their chimneys.  (Notices how many cookies LaFontaine and Perry have been eating)  Uh, guys?  How many of these have you eaten?

LaFontaine: A truly alarming quantity

Perry: I think I’d like to stop now.  I’m starting to feel like I’m made of cookies.

Laura: Ooooh, crap.

Mama Claus: Why aren’t you eating, dear?  It’s Christmastime.  Indulge yourself.

Laura (backing away) Um, I’m just so worried about my sugar intake, what with health heart and diabetes, and ... (LaFontaine and Perry run off)

Mama Clau: No need to worry about those things, my little Lebkuchen, my little Weinachten snack.

Laura: Yeah ... just so we’re clear here, you totally turn people into gingerbread and eat them, don’t you?

Mama Claus attacks Laura, she dodges the attack

Mama Claus: It’s been so long since Mama had a Christmas feast.  I’ll roast you like those tasty reindeer.

Laura tries to run but falls down

Laura: Haha, yep, okay ... Carmilla?

Carmilla: Oh, really?  Cause I wouldn’t want to ruin your holiday fun ...

LaFontaine and Perry return armed with brooms and a rolling pin

Laura: Evil Christmas lady trying to eat me here!

Carmilla: You know, with all my inappropriate mayor-biting and talk about murdering people for Christmas

Laura: Murder her for Christmas!  Murder her for Christmas!

Carmilla sighs and gets up, attacking Mama Claus.  We hear gruesome sounds of dismemberment and screams from off-screen, and then  then more glitches

We go back to vlog-style camera.  Laura turns her camera on while LaFontaine and Perry hang out behind her.

Laura: So, I am pleased to announce that we survived the trial by cannibalistic Christmas Witch

Perry: And watching Carmilla disembowel said witch seems to have scared off the mob.

Carmilla returns, sitting down next to Laura

Carmilla: Hey

Laura: Hey.

Carmilla: Look what I found (holds up a gingerbread cookie)

Laura: Oh, I am so never eating gingerbread again.  Oh, you have a little something ... right there (wipes some blood off of Carmilla’s mouth with a napkin)  Eew (giggles)

Carmilla: Look, I know I’m not so good with the “feelings” thing, but ... I’m sorry things are so messed up at school.  And, I’m sorry you’re not spending Christmas with your Dad.

Laura: Thanks.  And as Christmas company goes, you’re not so bad yourself.  For a vampire.  (Laura kisses Carmilla’s cheek) Merry Christmas, Carm.

LaFontaine kisses Perry’s cheek.  Carmilla and Laura share a cookie.  We return to the non-vlog-style camera, zooming out

Back to previous episode

Laura’s sitting in front of the camera, while in the background, Betty, now dressed much more conservatively than we’d seen her before, looks through the closet.  Her half-room looks quite different now than it did when we first met her, or when it was Carmilla’s.

Laura: Hey.  So, after everything that happened, I didn’t really feel like filming anymore, but Perry seems to think it’ll be good for me.  It’ll provide closure or continuity or something.

Betty: Who was this girl, seriously?  God, her sole possessions are, like, a pile of empty wallets and some punk rock t-shirts.

Betty walks towards the bathroom

Laura: So, Betty’s back.  Kind of.  Turns out she was supposed to be going to Princeton, so she’s just here while she’s waiting to hear about a transfer.

Betty (walking back in from the bathroom): The bleach.  I’m gonna need all of the bleach.  God, how did you not die?

Betty starts preparing a bowl of cereal

Laura: She’s still a pretty good roommate, as roommates go.  She doesn’t steal all my things and she actually uses the chore wheel.  Oh!  And I didn’t fail.  Danny got my grade switched to the pass side of pass-fail on account of my saving five students from being eaten and all.  Professor Cochrane actually gave me an A- in journalism.  She said that it would’ve been an A, but desperate last-minute rescues are bad form.

Betty: Oh my God!  There’s blood in the milk container.  Why is there blood in the milk container?  What is wrong with you people?  Why would anyone go to this school?

Betty exits the room.

The room starts shaking, and sirens sound from outside

Laura: Yeah, we’ve been having a lot of those since the battle.  Aftershocks, I guess?  Oh!  And JP is okay.  Kind of.  Ah, turns out LaFontaine had a backup USB, which is a little weird, but better to have him than not.  He and LaFontaine have been spending a lot of time together in the Library lately.  I think they’re kinda ... dating.  Maybe.  Perry is dealing with that as best she can.  I’m gonna miss those two when my dad comes to pick me up for reading week.  (pause)  And, look, I know that she was a terrible roommate and kind of a terrible person sometimes, and that one big grand gesture doesn’t make up for centuries of what’s essentially murder, but ... (getting emotional) she was my terrible roommate and she made the big gesture for me.

There’s a knock at the door.  Perry enters.

Perry: Hey, Laura.  Um, so, something happened, and, um, I just wanted to come prepare you so that you wouldn’t freak out.  So, Kirsch and some of his Zeta bros were, um, throwing cherry bombs into the big pit under the Lustig.  And, um, they found, um ...

Danny enters carrying Carmilla

Danny: Okay, sorry, Easy Bake, she’s heavier than she looks.

Danny sets Carmilla down on Laura’s bed

Laura: Carm!  (Runs over to her)

Danny: Okay.  So, we think she’s ... I mean, she seems dead, but she’s a vampire, right?

Laura: Well, blood!  She needs blood!

Laura runs over to the fridge and grabs the soymilk container and feeds it to Carmilla.

Laura: Please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead.

Carmilla sits up slowly.

Carmilla: Well, that was a kick.

Laura runs over to hug her

Laura: Hey

Carmilla: Hey

Perry turns to leave, shooing Danny out too.  Both quickly exit, closing the door behind themselves, leaving Laura and Carmilla alone.

Laura: Are you hurt?  It looks like maybe you’re hurt.  And I’m sorry I hugged you so hard that you’re hurt, it- it’s just that you were dead and- and now you’re not and- and I know that you’re probably going ... (Carmilla stands up) ... through a lot of stuff with your mom, it’s just that ...

Carmilla kisses Laura

Laura: And I know that you didn’t do everything for me, but I just ...

Carmilla kisses Laura a second time.  Laura squeals and kisses her

Laura: Wow.  So, you’re a giant black cat, hunh?

Carmilla and Laura start laughing.

End credits run, with the theme song “Love Will Have Its Sacrifices” playing.  After the credits and final logo, the screen fades to black and we hear Carmilla and Laura speaking (initially over a black screen)

Carmilla: I really can’t have one day without that thing?

Laura: Oh, come on, don’t you wanna record it for posterity?

We now see them in the dorm.  Carmilla’s sitting on Betty’s bed, Laura sitting next to her in her chair

Carmilla: Posterity can bite me.  I have better things to do

Laura: Oh, come on!  They are all dying to know how you survived.  I will make it worth your while.

Carmilla: Well, it turns out that ... (LaFontaine enters abruptly, looking around the dorm) ... I hate this place so much.

LaFontaine: Where is it?  Where’s the book?  The big Sumerian book?

Laura: Uh, it’s in the washroom.  I was using it as a ... as a bath mat.  It’s pretty cushy.

LaFontaine rushes into the bathroom, returning with the book

LaFontaine: Uh, I don’t read Sumerian.  (Gives the book to Carmilla) Uh, Lophiiformes.  Where is it?  Where’s the page?  (Carmilla opens the book)  I- I know it talks about sacrificing five virgins every twenty years, but ... does it say anything about what would happen if it ate, say, a very old, very powerful vampire like your mother?

The room shakes and more sirens sound

Carmilla: We didn’t kill it?

Laura: I have an idea.  We just go. We leave for reading week and we never come back.  I mean, we can do that, right?  Right?

Town Hall alarm sounds.   Screen fades to black.

End Season 1

Back to previous episode

Laura’s now sitting up in her bed, Kirsch is sitting at the foot of the bed.  Betty is sitting on the stool in the back of the room, with LaFontaine beside her.  Elsie and Natalie remain on Carmilla’s bed.  Perry’s next to Kirsch, and Danny’s next to Laura.  Danny walks over to the camera

Danny: So, Laura’s kinda having a rough time right now.  So ...

Danny turns to face Perry

Perry: So, Laura and I followed LaFontaine across campus to the Lustig Building, and then ... down through the basement into a series of caves

LaFontaine: I still cannot believe you used me as a human homing beacon

Perry: I know, it’s just ... we were getting desperate and then -

LaFontaine: No, no, no, no.  That was hardcore.  We do not apologize for the hardcore.

Perry: I missed you, weirdo

LaFontaine: Control freak.  (long shared look) 

Perry: Um, right, so, then, uh, everyone was there.  Um, the vampires, the Dean, uh, Kirsch and all the rest, and they were standing at the lip of this enormous chasm with their backs to us, so we rushed them, which was a bad idea.  But I did manage to stake that one guy, Will?  (looks over at Kirsch) Oh, sorry sweetie

Kirsch: It’s okay.  I mean, he kinda had it coming.

Perry: But then, the rest of the vampires caught us and they threw Laura and I in an old broom closet to eat later.

Danny: You know the next part.  They forgot to take away Laura’s phone, which ... apparently has really great reception.  So, I get a text, and, with ... a little convincing, I rustle up the cavalry.  A phalanx of sisters, 40-odd Zetas, armed with their traditional tridents and salted herring.  And, so, we free Laura and Perry and we rush the vampire line.  And we totally had them on the ropes when this rumbling started.  And, from the bottom of the pit, you could see this light rising.  And- and it was like ...

Laura: Like the sun coming up underground, and you’re transfixed by the brightness.  Everybody started walking right towards it, cause what can you do but give yourself over to this light?  Which was the moment this huge cat grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and dragged me away from the edge.  And then it shrank and shifted, and there was Carmilla, with a sword.  A sword like a hollow in reality, eating light.

Danny: And when the Dean saw Carmilla, she screamed and came at us in this swarm of shadows like crows scratching and clawing.  And they fought like that until the Dean transformed into a woman again, at which point Carmilla decks her in the face with the sword hilt and she falls into the pit.

Laura: But it was too late.  The light was everywhere.  You could see these figures in it, reaching out for you.  And I think Ell was ... was maybe reaching out for Carmilla, and Carmilla was crying, cause in all this time she’d never been able to see her.  But then Carmilla turned to me and said “y’know, I really am starting to hate this heroic vampire crap”  (Laura, Perry, LaFontaine, and Kirsch chuckle)  And then she leapt.  Drove the sword right into the heart of the light and the light shook and sputtered like it was alive and the ghosts screamed.  And they all fell together into the darkness.

LaFontaine: Once the light was out, I guess the brain parasites died because everyone seemed to wake up, more or less.

Natalie: I was arriving at the wine and cheese and that’s it.  I don’t even remember if I got any wine.

Betty: I was on a campus tour.  I didn’t even wanna go to this school.

Perry: But, we were all still stuck in an almost completely dark underground cavern with a gang of vampires.  Except, it wasn’t totally dark, because all over the wall and, um, in the air were these beautiful glowing puffballs, courtesy of the Alchemy Club.

Kirsch: Yeah, it was like, having a bar fight in black light.  And this other vamp tried to break my arm and Psycho Society here saved my bacon

Danny (to camera): That was accidental

Kirsch: Hey, even if, you save a Zeta’s life, you become an honorary Zeta.  You get a trident and everything.  And, um, you know, it’d be kinda cool if you would ... well, when the chips are down, you’re kinda like a bro.  Um ... and I could sorta use one.

Perry: Well, finally, all the vampires surrendered.  Except for Carmilla’s mom, who was fifty feet down the cliff face clinging on by her fingernails.

Danny: Oh, and she was doing the whole “you fools, you don’t know what you’ve done, you’ll regret this, zombies will eat your liver, blah blah blah blah”

Kirsch: Yeah, and then Laura’s like “Hey, sorry, the students of Silas University would like a new Dean because (A) you’re a callous evil witch ... Yep, that one’s it.  A”  And then Laura goes and pushes this rock that’s been teetering on the edge, and bam!  Done with the Dean.

LaFontaine: Even better than that, now that the ancient demonic brain lantern is off, people are finally coming around, realizing they probably should have been upset about going to a school that serves eyeballs in the cafeteria, has safety protocols for escaped cacodemons, and where mortal combat is a prerequisite for tenure.  The administration is finally gonna have to listen to my long, long list of health .... Yeah.  Sorry, Laura.

Laura: It’s okay.

Perry: Laura, you did it.  You saved Betty.  You saved almost everyone.

Laura: Yeah.  Almost everyone.

Back to previous episode

A bit later than the previous episode.  LaFontaine and Perry are still on Laura’s bed, while Laura sits in front of the camera

Laura: So, college isn’t turning out quite like I thought it would.  For those of you who have been watching, you know that a couple months ago, the Dean, who’s evil, kidnapped my roommate Betty, to feed some brain-devouring hungry light under the Earth.  I thought I could save my roommate, and instead, all I’ve managed to do is get my friends brainsucked and kidnapped, and my heart broken by my sociopathic vampire roommate, who’s probably the only one who’s gonna survive any of this.  Also, I’m pretty sure I flunked out.  The worst part is that if I just sit here and do nothing, it’ll pass me over.  I could be safe and go home to my dad.  And all I’d have to do is accept the fact that I don’t understand the world and that I can’t change it.  And that even trying would be throwing away my life for nothing.

LaFontaine: It’s time.  It’s time for the party. I have to go.

Perry: Calm down, sweetie.  There’s no party

LaFontaine: There is and it’s now!

Laura: The party!

LaFontaine: The party ...

Perry: Laura, you are not helping!

Laura: No, I mean, the party.  When Carmilla did the translation, she said “their world narrows to celebration”, but what if it was supposed to be “their world narrows to the celebration”?  (Laura gets up and walks to LaFontaine)  Is there a bright light at the party?

LaFontaine: Yes, party light.  Glittering ...

Laura: And do you know how to get there?  How to get to the party?

LaFontaine: I have to go.

Laura (to Perry): I won’t try and force you.  There’s no way that we can win.  We might not even be able to make a dent.

Perry: I am supposed to be planning a post-midterms brunch and hassling my best friend because pipettes make crappy stocking stuffers.  Some things are more important than whether you can win.

Laura: So sometimes you stand up anyway.

Perry nods.  Laura heads to the camera

Laura: Um, dad.  If you’re watching this, (Perry starts untying LaFontaine) Sorry for all the stupid things that I’ve done, and I love you.  And Carmilla, if you’re watching this, then ... you know!

Laura, LaFontaine, and Perry leave

We now see Carmilla in front of the computer, watching the previous scene, looking very frustrated

Carmilla: Goddamnit.  Of all the imbecilic, idiot, suicidal ... you just had to go and get yourself eaten.  Oh, God, you’re somewhere getting eaten.

Danny enters the room

Danny: Where the hell is Laura? Because this isn’t funny.

Carmilla: What?

Danny: I just got a text “Trapped in basement of old chapel.  Come quick.  Bring stakes

Carmilla: The Dudley Chapel.  The Lustig Building!  They’re under the Lustig Building!

Danny: You’re being serious?  This isn’t a joke?

Carmilla: Only the part that’s happening right now, Xena.  Okay.  Get down there, rustle up your Brobdingnagian sorority sisters and- and get to the Lustig.  Hell, even tell the Zetas that’s where their missing bros are

Carmilla exits the room

Danny: And where are you going?

Carmilla: To do something really stupid

Danny (noticing the camera) Is that thing still running?

Carmilla: Yeah, I think we’re supposed to be filming our soppy heartfelt goodbyes or something

Danny: Screw that

Carmilla: Good call.  See you at the violence.

Both exit

Screen fades to black.

Laura (voiceover): So, a completely unexpected thing just happened.

We now see Laura’s room.  Laura’s in front of the camera, a cut on her face.   Her room is crowded.  LaFontaine is on the foot of Laura’s bed, next to Betty.  Danny’s standing by the bed, Kirsch is standing next to her, his arm in a sling.  Elsie, Perry, and Natalie are sitting on Carmilla’s bed

Laura: We won.  We actually won.  We won (voice breaking) And Carmilla’s dead

Back to previous episode

Laura’s in front of the camera, LaFontaine’s tied up on Laura’s bed, Perry’s making stakes, and Carmilla’s sitting on her bed drinking a grape soda looking broody.  In the background you can hear construction sounds, and there’s a map of the University drawn on paper behind Laura.

Laura: Welcome to midterm week at Silas.  Students are scrambling for their exams.  The stage is being built for the big party

LaFontaine: Party ...

Laura: And in an underground cavern who-knows-where, a horrific sacrifice is being prepared.  That’s the bad news.  The good news is that we haven’t heard anything about any other girls going missing, and with LaFontaine still hogtied and headbanging (glances back at LaF), the vamps are still two shy of their magic number.  Even more awesome than that is that we have totally researched up some mystical vamp-killing, evil-ending sword that is gonna level this tilt-a-whirl of a playing field.  (to Carmilla) You’re gonna go out and grab that soon, yeah?

Carmilla: Soon

Laura: Good.  I will feel a lot better when we are all together and heavily-armed.  I wish JP was here, but someone (looks back at LaF) seems to have misplaced our non-resident librarian.  (Laura gets a sudden headache, putting her hand to her temple)

Carmilla: Are- are you alright?

Laura: Yeah.  That necklace did a number on me.  I feel like I had a whole other brain crammed into my skull.

Carmilla: That- that’ll pass.

Laura: Ugh.  That is not helping either.  But I think it’s also this sit-tight plan.  I mean, what if the vamps just take two more tonight and make with the Sacrifice anyway?

Carmilla: Laura, this plan keeps you safe.  It keeps your friends here safe.  That’s all we can do.  (Laura looks like she has an idea)  Laura ...

Laura: You’re right; it’s all that we can do, but what if there were more of us? (Carmilla shakes her head, trying to interject) Remember when I first put the videos up online and all those people that I’d never even met just wanted to help?  There is a whole campus full of people out there and what do you bet they don’t want some vampire cult kidnapping their friends any more than we do?

Carmilla: Laura, it’s

Laura: With that many people, we can search every basement and cave until we find them.  It’s ... perfect!

Carmilla: Laura’s, that’s -

Laura: I will go get (Carmilla at same time “Okay”) the troops rallied, and you go get the Sword,  Your mom and her loopy demon light thingy aren’t even gonna know what him ‘em.

Laura kisses Carmilla’s cheek and runs off

Perry (to Carmilla): Don’t you have a sword to go get?

New scene.  Laura in front of her computer with an icepack on her forehead.  LaFontaine still tied up and struggling on the bed, with Perry trying to soothe them as best she can

Laura: Yeah, that could’ve gone better.  Ugh.  So, I got up on the big party ...

LaFontaine (quietly, at same time as Laura) I wanna go to the party

Laura: ... stage and I explained to the assembled crowd that the Dean of Students was a vampire who planned on sacrificing five of their classmates to some ancient brain-devouring hungry light, and that it was time for all of Silas to rally together ... And then, unfortunately, I was hit in the head with a tomato.  Turns out Danny really has not gotten over ... things.  But, before the Summer Society could pummel me with more various fruits, the Zetas showed up.  Turns out Will and Kirsch are missing and the last place anyone saw them was headed to this dorm.  So, the only reason I sit before you now, untarred and unfeathered, is because they couldn’t agree on who had a better case of using me as a human piñata, and like all of their arguments, it quickly escalated into a free-for-all, with paintballs and quarterstaff combat and no concern for the destruction of property.  So, I snuck to safety when they set the party stage on fire.

LaFontaine: I wanna go to the party ...

Laura: So much for my big plan.  The campus is a war zone and I don’t know what could’ve happened to Kirsch and I don’t know what to do about LaFontaine or Betty and Carmilla’s still gone and I’m starting to get worried and - (Laura’s computer pings) and apparently my video cache is full from a giant raw file from ... Wednesday.  But that should just be ...

We hear a playback of the possession scene

Recorded Dean: Hello, sweetheart.  I thought it was time we had a little talk

Time skip.  Perry’s filling a bag with stakes.  Laura’s sitting in front of the camera, while LaFontaine continues to remain on Laura’s bed

LaFontaine: It’s time.  It’s time for the party.  I wanna go to the party.

Perry: I know, sweetie.  Shhh.

Carmilla walks in.  Perry and Carmilla swing around to look at her.  Perry gets up, holding a stake

Perry: Not one more step, bloodsucker.

Carmilla: What is this?

Laura hits a button on her computer, pulling up the recording

Recorded Dean: So what’s it to be?  Shall we take the prom king here and leave you and the little moppet alone?

Laura fast forwards

Recorded Carmilla: Deal

Recorded Dean: Excellent

Laura turns off recording

Laura: Were you even gonna tell me?  About JP?  About Kirsch?  About the fact she possessed me and used me to hurt my friends? Or, was it just gonna be “sorry, babe, no sword no rescue’, that’s just the way the world is”?

Carmilla: Laura, that’s not -

Perry: I won’t let you take her

Carmilla: Laura, she promised to leave us alone.

Laura: Yeah, just so long as you let her kill my friends.  You know, it’s not the sword.  The sword would kill you and I get that.  It’s that you just gave up.  After everything, you didn’t even try.

Carmilla: Laura, that’s not what -

Laura: Go away, Carmilla.  Go run and hide.  We’re done.

Carmilla leaves, looking upset.

Back to previous episode

Carmilla: What do you want, Mother?

The Dean: You didn’t come when I sent for you.  I can’t imagine poor William was at all unclear.  He doesn’t quite have the brains for ... delicacy.

Carmilla: So if you’re gonna kill me, why not just come yourself?

JP: Don’t give her any ideas!

The Dean: Kill you?  When you think of the lengths I’ve gone to save you from your own foolishness?  No, but I thought we should talk without your little “friends” listening in.

JP: Oh, no --- she means me ...  I’ll be good!  No, please, Ms Dean, I’ll be -

The Dean unplugs JP’s flash drive.  She crushes it.  The screen flickers and creepy images show up of JP.  The flash drive is crushed into dust which the Dean lets fall to the floor.

The Dean: Now, that was satisfying.  That little son of a glitch has been a loose end since he disappeared into that rabbit hole they call a library back in 1874

Carmilla: You didn’t have to do that

The Dean: Yes, I did.  Threats to the Sacrifice cannot be tolerated.  One day, you’ll understand.

Carmilla: Do you I’m ever gonna understand why you fed the only girl I’ve ever loved to an, an abomination?

The Dean: I think you’re a practical girl and you’ll see that everything I do, I do for the best.  That silly little creature couldn’t’ve loved you.  The second she knew what you were, she spilled all your secrets like an idiot schoolchild.  She was a cockroach.  A wretched, crawling, thing like this one.  And you, (brushes Carmilla’s hair) my glittering girl, are a diamond.  Stone cannot love flesh.

Carmilla: See, all I’m hearing are your excuses for why you let a supernatural suckfest turn you into its kitchen staff.

The Dean: And you think you’ll be the one to change all that?  You’ll claw the Blade of Hastur from its underwater grave and strike out the light where we worship?  (The Dean dips a finger into the glass of blood and tastes it)  It was a good plan.  But you won’t try it.  It’s a blade meant to consume anyone who wields it.  Why do you think the Cult of Hastur buried the wretched thing?  (Sighs)  Oh, darling, there’s no way for you to fight and nothing to fight with.  Sometimes, that’s just the way of the world.  And we must learn to bear it as best we can.

Carmilla: So if it’s all doomed, why even bother coming to tell me?

The Dean: Because I would hate for you to become a threat to the Sacrifice.  Instead, I thought I’d offer you a deal.  If you can keep your little ... pet here from making more trouble, I’ll let you keep her.  Take someone else instead.

Carmilla: How could I ever trust you?

The Dean: Why don’t I start us off with a gesture of good faith?  (louder)  William, why don’t you bring in your little friend?

Will enters, followed by Kirsch

Will: Hi, sugar-puss.

Time skip.  Kirsch is sitting in the chair, while Will stands in the back half of the room, the Dean still sitting on Laura’s bed, and Carmilla standing to the side

Kirsch: Will said you needed some help with your big rescue plan.  And I was like, the Zetas are in!  Y’know, we’re up to being big damn heroes.  I told you Will was a total bro.

The Dean: Isn’t he darling?  I do so enjoy chivalry  (Walks over to Kirsch; Carmilla sits down on Laura’s bed)

Kirsch: Hey, Laura, you’re acting, uh, kinda weird, even for you

The Dean: Hush, dear, the grownups are talking.

Carmilla: I thought your hungry little night light wanted virgins

The Dean: Oh, you’ve been reading Barkley’s transcriptions.  That man was obsessed.  No, we just take girls because it’s traditional.  Besides, the world’s just gonna grind them up anyway, so it’s almost a mercy.

Kirsch (to Will): Uh ... what’s she talking about?

The Dean: This one, though, believes some idiot accident, perhaps depression over his lost sweetie.  (to Carmilla) So, what’s it to be?  Shall we take the prom king here and leave you and the little moppet alone?

Kirsch (to Will): Dude, I don’t get what she’s talking about?

Will: Oh, it’s cool, bro.  You’re gonna save Laura.

Kirsch: Alright, sweet

The Dean: Because the other option is I simply waltz this adorable little body right out the door and into the Sacrifice.

Carmilla: Deal.

The Dean: Excellent.  William?  (snaps fingers)

Will approaches Kirsch and turns his chair around, and then puts him in a chokehold, dragging him out the door

Kirsch: Will, dude, what are you doing?

Will: Choking you, bro

Kirsch: Okay ...

Will: Just choking you, bro

Kirsch: Not cool ...

Kirsch passes out.  Carmilla looks upset

The Dean: Remember, she’s safe so long as you keep her from meddling.  If either of you get in the way again, all bets are off.

Carmilla: You’ve made yourself clear.

The Dean: I should hope so.  Now be quick.  Catch.

The Dean takes off the necklace, her body falls to the bed

Carmilla: Hey, Laura, Laura, hey!

Laura coughs and sits up

Laura: Carm, what the ... ?

Carmilla: Hey, you’re fine.  It was ... the necklace, it was, it was just a trap from my mother.  It was poisoned. But, it- we got it off on time.

Laura: Your mom plays dirty.  Man, she is gonna be so done when you show up all righteous with that sword.

Carmilla: Yeah, I don’t think she’s expecting anything like that.

Back to previous episode

New scene.  Carmilla’s reading the Sumerian book, with a number of other open books on her bed, which she’s comparing with what’s in the Sumerian book.  Laura’s in the back of the room, her hair in a different hair style than usual.  JP’s on the screen.  In the foreground is a blood-glass with a necklace sitting on it.

Laura: Ugh (picks up a pair of underwear with a highlighter and throws it to the side)  I am starting to miss having Perry around

JP: Commencing search: Campus historical records.  Weapons/Sub-Class: Mystical.  Override:// Access:// Restricted Stacks

Laura sits down at the desk, and notices the necklace, she smiles back at Carmilla and puts it on

JP: Execute://  Searching ...

Laura: So, with Carmilla and JP researching mystical weapons on campus - of which there are an alarming number, actually - I have decided it is time to tackle my scholastic progress, or lack thereof, by having a little conversation with my -

There’s a knock at the door.  Danny enters the room

Danny: Hey, Laura.  Uh, Perry said you needed to talk to me?

Laura: - My Lit TA.  (to Danny) Hey, Danny.  You look good.

Danny: Thanks.  And ... you’re still filming.  Even after what happened to LaFontaine.

Laura: Oh, God.  Are you still watching?

Danny: Oh, no no.  Uh, not after the Library.  I worry too much.

Laura: Well, I’m glad that you still care.  But if you aren’t watching, then how’d you know about LaFontaine?

Danny: Oh, I ran into them in the hall

Laura: Yeah, it’s ... not good.  (Danny sits down on Laura’s bed)  Uh, so ... I was kind of hoping I could ask you something.

Danny: Yeah, of course.

Laura: The immediate thing of all this is that it has been very stressful.

Danny: Yeah, I know.  I haven’t exactly seen you in class lately.

Laura: Yeah, about that.  (pause)  Can I have an extension on my term paper?

Danny: ... What?

Laura: Just for, like, a week, until the big soul-sucking ritual I have to thwart is over.

Danny (pause)  ... What?

Laura: Three days?

Danny (sighs): Oh, my God.  I can’t believe I thought ... No, instead, you had me come all this way because you can’t stay on top of your homework?

Laura: Seriously?  Trying to save four people isn’t worth three days?  And, wait, can’t believe you thought what?

Danny: Nothing (gets up)

Laura: Did you think that I invited you over here so that we could ... ?

Danny: No, not anymore I don’t!  I can’t believe your nerve.

Laura: Can’t believe my nerve?  I’m not the one being unfair and vindictive!

Danny: Well, you’re not the one who got thrown over for Elvira, Mistress of the Snark!

Laura: Okay, that is so unfair!

Danny: No, you know what?  I’m not having this conversation.  If you can’t keep your supernatural affairs in order long enough to get your assignments done, that’s your business.

Danny opens the door to leave

Carmilla: Come back never

Danny: This place was cleaner when you were tied up. (to Laura) Don’t call me again.

Danny exits

Laura: Oh, my God, she hates me.  Danny hates me, and I’m gonna fail my Lit course.  Please tell me you’re having better luck with the mystical weapon situation.

Carmilla: Mmm ... not so much.  (reading) Ascalon, an enchanted spear that kills dragons, but only if you’re a Christian saint.  The scepter of Kerykeion will heal them.  The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch would be perfect for an influx of monstrous rabbits.

JP: Match Found!  “The Blade of Hastur” - Image loading ....

Laura: Wait, what about this one?  (An image of the Blade appears, with the words that Laura reads; JP also says the same thing)  “The Blade of Hastur, forged from the burnt bones of Starspawn and meant to shatter all that oppose it.”  Yeah, that sounds ...

JP: It may or may not be sealed into the face of a cliff in an underwater cavern, like, a thousand feet below sea level ... :(

Laura: ... No

Carmilla: Why no?

Laura: Well, it’s sealed in the face of a cliff in an underwater cavern, like, a thousand feet below sea level.  Nobody could survive that, which is probably the point.  (Carmilla puts the book up)  We just need something a little epic quest and a little more “borrowed from the museum of warfare and atrocities”.  Maybe a nice bazooka ..

Carmilla: I could get it

Laura: What?

Carmilla: The sword.  I could get it.  Pressure depth and nitrogen narcosis aren’t really itches for a vampire?

Laura: That would be ... I mean, you’d be risking your life, and if your mother found out she would ...

Carmilla: Yeah, well, my mother fed the only person I cared about to a monster and maybe I don’t feel like letting that happen again ...

Laura: Wow, that’s ... I mean, I know that you’re not just doing it for me, but seriously ...

Carmilla: Don’t be an idiot.  Of course I’m doing it for you (approaches Laura, notices the necklace Laura’s wearing) Where’d you get that?

Laura: I found it here.  I thought that you left it for me

Carmilla: Get it off!

Laura: What?

Carmilla tries to grab the necklace, but it burns her hand

JP: Uh oh!

Laura: But ... (starts to convulse and falls forward)

Carmilla: Laura!  Hey, n-n-n-n-no, Laura!

JP: Search: Evil necklace // Search: Invading spirits // Search: Magical remedies // Search: How to “Exorcise”  Search: Who you gonna call? // Search: Jim Jasper’s Ghost Tonic // Search: What the heck!?!?

Laura stands up, cracking her neck, Carmilla looks frightened

Carmilla: Mother

The Dean: Hello, sweetheart.  I thought it was time we had a little talk.

Back to previous episode

LaFontaine: There’s just nothing.  I remember being here, talking to you, and then I was in that corner like no time had passed.

Perry: Well, it was more than just a day.  We didn’t think you’d come back.  That other girl, Elsie, she didn’t come back.

LaFontaine: They really took me.  If they did, those things are in my brain.  How long do I have?  (No one says anything)  Great.  So, what do we know?  (More silence)  Please tell me you didn’t waste an entire day making brownies.

Laura: No, no!  We found it.  It’s this devouring light thing called Loopy forms

Carmilla: Lophiiformes

Laura: And it looks like the Dean sacrifices five girls to it every twenty years.

LaFontaine: Wow, so much for the university’s progressive policies on feminism, hunh?  (chuckles)  So, uh, why would the Dean do that?

Carmilla: Well, why does anyone start a cult?  Wealth, power, eternal youth, to get back at people you knew in high school

LaFontaine: So, uh, is there anything the book that might ...?

Carmilla: No, it’s just ... it’s more in the “all hail and cower mewling worms” vein

Perry: Okay.  So, maybe we don’t have to go with the book, but (beeping from LaFontaine’s phone) ancient evil brain parasites, yes, so maybe they don’t like, um, aspirin or cough syrup

LaFontaine: My phone’s almost dead.  What’s this?

LaFontaine presses a button on the phone, and a recorded message plays

Recorded LaFontaine: I didn’t see anything when they took me, but now I’m in this little room.  It’s dark and it smells like limestone and water like a cave

Recorded Will: I don’t know what she’s bitching about, I mean we’re fine.  The third one went so fast we didn’t need to collect her again.  This one replaced the airhead.  So, we just need to score one more for the ritual for the new moon.  It’ll be cake.  Ugh, damnit!  This one’s fainted.  Did you forget to water them again?  Good news, smarty pants.  The Dean will see you now.

Recorded LaFontaine: Oh, that’s okay.  I know she’s busy.

There’s a sound of LaFontaine being hit and then the recording ends.

Laura: Did you record your own kidnapping?

LaFontaine: Maybe

Carmilla: Incompetent idiots. (Perry and Laura look at her) No, not you guys.  My mother’s minions.  Who lets a kidnapping victim get in with a recording device?  That’s just ... (Laura nudges her with her elbow)  By which I mean, well done, you!

Laura: You did amazing.  They have three girls down there and they’re all still alive.

Carmilla: Yeah, but we still don’t know where there is, or how to deal with my mother, let alone some ancient, unspeakable evil.  So, we’re still utterly screwed.

Laura: But there’s a ritual, right?  So, maybe we just need to stop them from taking any more girls until, what did Will say?, the new moon.  We just have to last until Friday.  Which is also when my Lit paper is due.

Carmilla: Well, hey!  If we get sucked into an underground evil, your deadline will be moved.

Laura: Thanks.  (To LaFontaine) Hey, I gotta say, all things considered, you’re taking this really well.

LaFontaine: Yeah.  It really doesn’t seem to be that scary.  That’s probably a bad sign, right?

Perry: Oh, no.  No, no, no, no.  You, you ... you can’t be going yet. (to Laura and Carmilla) The others?  They didn’t go this fast.

LaFontaine: Maybe it’s cause the ritual’s so close.  That might amp the little wormy dudes in my brain right up.  (Gasps)  Snacks!

LaFontaine grabs a brownie

Carmilla: That won’t be distracting.

Perry: Um, it’s okay.  I’ll ... I’ll stay with her and make sure she’s okay.  She’s my best friend.  Okay, come on honey, let’s go (Perry leads LaFontaine out of the room)  We’ll, uh, we’ll find you some place to go dancing.

Back to previous episode

The next morning.  Perry’s in front of the computer, a spray bottle in front of her.  Laura’s sleeping in Carmilla’s bed.  Laura’s bed is made.

Perry: Good morning, Laura’s viewers.  So, some of you are probably aware, um, that my best friend has, um .... been kidnapped and um there’s really absolutely nothing that any of can do about it.  But, instead of sitting around and panicking, I decided to make myself useful.  There’s a lot to clean.  So, that’s done.  (pause)  Oh.  I should go check on the brownies.

Perry leaves.  We can see Carmilla asleep on the floor.

Later.  Perry’s sitting on Laura’s bed with a plate of brownies.  Laura wakes up suddenly

Perry: Good morning, Laura.

Laura: It’s 6 AM.

Perry: I know.  But, I ran out of things to clean, so I thought it was time we have a little talk.  Brownie?

Laura: Uh, thanks.  Sorry, I keep dreaming there’s this giant cat thing sleeping on the floor.

Perry: Oh, that’s probably just Carmilla.  (wakes Carmilla up)  Carmilla, Carmilla.

Carmilla: Ugh.  What?

Perry: Want a brownie?

Carmilla: Seriously?  I was just getting to sleep.  Did you vacuum around me?

Perry: Okay.  So now that you’re both awake, I think it’s time that we had a floor meeting.

Carmilla: So, we’re in hell now.

Laura: Seems so.  Brownies are good.

Perry: The two of you can be flip all you like, but the fact remains that LaFontaine is missing, and we need to start doing something about it right now.  So, first, I think we need to put this thing on some sort of delay, so that we aren’t just giving ourselves away if something evil is watching.  Second, are we calling the police?  Possibly hiring a private investigator?  Mercenaries?  Bloodthirsty killers for hire?  We can do that, right?

Laura: We went over all this with Betty.  The police won’t come unless campus security calls them, and no private investigator will even set foot on this campus, which, really is an indication, and I don’t even know ho you go about finding mercenaries.  But, we’ll hit the book.  There’s supposed to be something in there.  In the meantime, I think I saw some mold behind the toilets, you could ...

Perry: Okay.  (sets brownies down and takes cleaning supplies into bathroom)

Carmilla: And now for our daring daylight escape?

Laura: And now for hitting the book.  She might be traumatized, but she isn’t wrong.

Montage of Laura and Carmilla looking through the book while Perry cleans.  Carmilla’s drinking blood

Perry bumps into Carmilla, causing her to spill some of the blood onto the book

Carmilla: Oh, goddamnit!

Perry: Oh, I’m sorry!  I-I-I didn’t mean to -

Laura: Is that new stuff appearing on the book because you spilt blood on it?  Right, of course it is.

Carmilla: It’s an entry from something called Lophiiformes, the light that devours.  An ancient evil that demands ... I’m not sure about the symbol there ... five, shocker, virgins every twenty years.  Uh, once victims are marked, their world narrows to celebration.

Laura: It likes party girls.  That’s it!  That’s our thing!   So, how do we stop it?

Carmilla: Uh, “old as the oceans’ depths, the light that betrays all, blah blah blah blah, draws the devoured to it and consumes ... their minds, which increases the light and draws in more of the devoured.”

Laura: So, it’s absorbing their minds and using the energy to draw more people in.  And if Ell is reaching out to us, then ...

Carmilla: They’re conscious in there.

Laura: God, this just gets creepier and creepier.

LaFontaine: Word.

Laura, Perry, and Carmilla all jump in surprise, revealing that LaFontaine has appeared behind them

LaFontaine: Hey.  Why are we all freaking out?

Perry runs to LaFontaine, hugging them

Perry: Oh, you’re back!  You’re back! You’re alright.

LaFontaine: What do you mean I’m back?  I didn’t go anywhere.  Did I ... go somewhere?

Back to previous episode

Perry: They could’ve taken her anywhere.  They could be doing anything.

Carmilla: Sure.  But any money, LaF’s with the other missing girls.  They’re down by two and they need to make up numbers.

Perry: What do you mean down by two?

Carmilla: Well, they already lost Sarah Jane and I stopped them from taking Laura here.

Laura looks at the bat wing bracelet

Perry: So, you mean because you protected Laura, they needed a replacement, and so they took ... and you just let them?  Why wouldn’t you have given her a bracelet too?  Why wouldn’t you have warned somebody?

Carmilla: Cause, whoever I help, they just end up taking more.  I didn’t think it would be one of your friends!  Told you I’m not the hero of this piece.

Perry: What were you thinking, the two of you?  Getting involved in all of this?  And putting everything you do up online, for everyone to see?  What if they’re putting those things in her brain?  What ... what if the last thing she remembers is that I was awful to her?

Perry curls up on Laura’s bed, crying.

Laura: I did this.  They took LaFontaine because they couldn’t take me.  (Carmilla shakes her head)  Cause they could see my videos and they knew what we were up to.

Carmilla (overlapping with Laura): Alright, just stop all of this before I get queasy.  Cupcake, you are ridiculous and headstrong, and naive, and this whole Lois Lane, Jr. gig is doomed, okay?  But unless you’re going around kidnapping girls for some ancient unspeakable evil, nothing that’s happening right now is your fault.

Laura: Really?

Carmilla: Yeah.  Former minion of the evil?  Yeah.

Laura: Okay, but Perry’s not wrong either.  We need to be smarter than this.  We need to make sure that we’ve warned anybody who might be in harm’s way.  (to camera)  Which includes you.  If you are on the Silas campus, you are in danger.

Carmilla: Duh.  Though, did anybody think to tell that big puppy that follows you around that his BFF’s a vampire?

Laura: Oh my God, Kirsch!

Later.  Perry’s asleep on Laura’s bed.  Kirsch is sitting on the end of it, talking with Laura, and Carmilla’s on her bed, still reading the Sumerian book

Kirsch: No.

Laura: Yes.

Kirsch: No.

Laura: Yes.

Kirsch: Dude, no, okay?  Will’s my bro.  He came with me to SJ’s memorial.  Which was really sad.

Laura: Kirsch, I’m sorry.

Kirsch: The memorial’s nice, though.  There’s like, a little rock with her name on it.  I bring her flowers sometimes.  Pink ones.  She liked pink stuff.

Laura: That’s sweet.

Kirsch: And look, I get it.  You guys are trying to help me because you think I’m dumb.

Laura: No!

Kirsch: Alright, you think I’m not good at math or science or English or whatever.  But, I know bros.  And Zetas?  We walk through fire for each other.  And even if Will is a vampire, he’s a Zeta first.

Carmilla: Doesn’t work that way, beefcake.

Kirsch: Well, listen, out of the two of you, my man Will never tried to bite me.

Laura: Just, do me a favor, okay?  Just be careful around him.  I was not kidding when I said he tried to kill me.

Kirsch: Okay, yeah.  And, hey, if you’re not too busy fighting evil, maybe you would come to the post-midterm bash on Friday?  We’re wrapping the goat in bacon this year.

Laura: Yum.

Kirsch exits

Carmilla; You can send a dude to college, but you can’t make him think.

Laura: Must be nice sometimes, though.  To be normal.  Or oblivious.  Nothing to worry about except the midterm bash and whether the person you like’s gonna be there.  (looks over at Carmilla)  That must sound so stupid to you.  You’ve been to, what, a zillion dances?

Carmilla: Yeah, but most of the time I was bait in a supernatural con game.

Laura: So, you can’t remember what kids did for kicks back in 1698?

Carmilla: Ah, it wasn’t much different.  We drank a lot and danced like fools.  Waltzing was fun.  It had a frisson scandal back then.

Laura: How is waltzing scandalous?

Carmilla (offers her hand to Laura): Well ...

Laura stands up

Carmilla: Partners were face-to-face.  (pulls Laura in)  Chest to chest.  All of that, um ... whirling. (Laura laughs)  In 1698, it may as well have been sex.

Laura: So, you had some fun after all?

Carmilla: Well, once or twice.

Laura yawns, and looks over at her bed, which is occupied by Perry

Carmilla: Why don’t you just take mine?  I’ll curl up on the floor.

Laura: No!  I couldn’t make you ...

Carmilla: Vampiric constitution trumps lower back pain.

Carmilla heads in to the bathroom

Laura: Thanks.  (Sits down on the bed)  Worst crush ever.

Back to previous episode

The next day.  Laura and LaFontaine are in front of the computer while Carmilla’s looking through a leather-bound book

Laura: So we survived the research trip!  Which, we should probably never speak of again.  And here is our haul!  One gnarly Sumerian book from before time began and ...

LaFontaine: The rescued digital consciousness of one JP Armitage, junior records clerk and Silas student, class of 1874.  (Plugs a USB drive into the computer.  A black and white image of a man in a coat appears)  Say hi to the Internet, JP

JP (via typewritten words on the bottom of the screen): Hello, Internet!  Splended to meet you

Laura: Because somebody really did get absorbed into the Library catalogue.  Although, how he got sucked in like a hundred years before the catalogue was digitized ...?

JP: Well, you see I was minding my own business one day way back in 1874.  The Autumn leaves were just turning their auburns and reds and golds when --

LaFontaine: We really need to find you a better interface

JP: You’re right ... it’s kind of a long story ...

LaFontaine: Anyway, turns out JP’s helped us before.  Remember the truly stellar search results and timely warnings for us to flee from our last trip to the Library?  All courtesy of JP.

JP: Glad I could be of service!

Laura: According to JP, there was a rash of disappearances in 1874 as well.  And although he didn’t have an electron microscope to suss out the brain parasites, he did get way further along than we did with his research in the luce esurientem, or the “hungry light” and the cult of vampire serving it, AKA the Dean’s Special Council.  He’d even found references to this special Sumerian tome, uh, that’s supposed to have a section on it, which is what he was searching for in the subbasement when he got ... absorbed.

Carmilla: Well, wonder librarian, better have more than just hungry and eats girls because that pretty much describes everything in this book.

Laura: No, but there’s gotta be something ...

Carmilla: No.  Mm, no.  Yuggoth, raised with twelve virgins, burned at the stake ... umm .. Khalos, sprinkled with the blood of virgins, smeared on the roots of the sacrificial tree.  Niar Logoth, prefers the livers of virgins, force-fed nothing but red wine for 96 days

Laura: Ugh

Carmilla: Thirteen-year-old boys have so much more subtlety.

LaFontaine: Yeah, that’s the problem with the existence of horrors from beyond the dawn of time.  Their lack of subtlety.  Though, it is pretty cool that you can read Sumerian.

Carmilla: Eh, 1871 was a dull year.  I decided to read Gilgamesh.

There’s a knock at the door.  Perry enters the room.

Perry: Oh, good.  You’re all still here.  Um, because I saw Laura’s last video about going to the Library and I thought I’d just ... check to make sure you weren’t dead.  And you’re not.  So, that’s fine.

Perry exits

Laura: She’ll come around, you’ll see.  Cause you’re awesome.  And we would literally be nowhere without you.  You know that right?  (Nudges LaFontaine with her elbow)

LaFontaine: Thanks.  Come on, JP.  Let’s you and I hit my homunculid anatomy course and see if we can figure out anything about these parasites.

JP: Oh, happy day!  A field trip!!  Ta ta!

LaFontaine takes the flash drive and exits

Laura: Great.  And we will keep reading the giant Sumerian Tome of Do Not Want.  (Rolls her chair next to Carmilla)  So, thanks, by the way, for coming with us to the Library.

Carmilla: I thought we were never speaking of that again.

Laura: Yeah.  (chuckles)  You came along cause you wanna know what happened to her, didn’t you?  Cause you’re hoping that you can save her somehow?

Carmilla: Don’t start expecting heroic vampire crap from me, cupcake.  If I know better than to mess with my mother, I sure as hell know better than to spit in the eye of something old enough to think it’s a god.  Besides, the wench is dead.

Laura: So are you.  Doesn’t seem to be putting a dent in your social life.  Besides, if you want me to stop having heroic notions about you, you should probably stop saving my life.

Carmilla: Then who would buy the cupcakes?

Laura giggles at that

New scene.  Morning, Laura in front of the computer, Carmilla half-asleep, lying on her bed, covered by the Book.

Laura: There is just nothing like a good night’s sleep.  Right, sleepyhead?

Carmilla: No.  I mean, I did dream about that weird black cat thing again, but I think that’s just my subconscious being weird.  This morning, after a long night of fruitless research, it is more fruitless research.  This time, for my final Lit paper, on which I am woefully behind.  If anyone had told me before college that fighting evil required this much paperwork, I would not have believed them.

Perry enters suddenly without knocking, and looks around the dorm room, in the bathroom and the closet

Perry: Where is she?  Because if she thinks this is some kind of joke, that she’s trying to teach me a lesson, it is in such incredibly bad taste

Laura: Where is who now?

Perry: Susan!  Uh, LaFontaine.  And I know that she’s mad at me, but that’s just no excuse for all of this.

Laura: LaFontaine isn’t here.

Perry: What?  No.  No, she has to be.  It has to be a joke.

Laura: What has to be a joke?

Perry: Her room was a mess, and this was stapled to the door.

Laura (reading): “Dear student: your nosy little friend no longer attends Silas University because A) she meddled in things that were none of her business, B) Did you really think we wouldn’t find out what you were up to C) we are ancient and terrible D) None of you are safe; we’ll take anyone we want.  Exit procedures have commenced; no action on your part is required.”

Back to previous episode

LaFontaine: Gee, Perr.  Tell us how you really feel.

Perry: Look.  I get that this is all big fun for you, Susan.  But you can’t just expect everyone to go along with all of this insanity.

LaFontaine: Like it or not, Perr, weird is the way it is.

Perry: That doesn’t mean you need to fling yourself into every weird situation you can find headfirst.  Like this .... nonsense where you won’t even let me call you Susan anymore.

LaFontaine; I don’t wanna be Susan anymore

Perry: Well, that’s too bad because she was my friend.  I don’t even know how you are anymore.

Perry exits.  Laura rolls her chair over to LaFontaine.

Laura: Are you okay?

LaFontaine: Peachy.  My best friend since I was five thinks I’m some sort of freak.  I’d like to find something to experiment on now.

Laura: Yeah, or maybe just for tonight we stuff our faces with popcorn and watch bad scifi, because I have been marked for death by a vampire cabal, and you are fighting with your best friend.

LaFontaine: Yeah.  That’d be good.

Time skip.  LaFontaine and Laura are on Laura’s bed.  They’ve dozed off in front of LaFontaine’s laptop, a bowl of popcorn on the bed.

Laura (sleep-talking)  Mmm ... no, I can’t ...

LaFontaine: What the hell?

Carmilla: Hey!  Hey, hey, hey.  Laura, Laura, Laura.  Laura!  Laura, you’re dreaming.  It was just a dream.  Hey ...

Laura (breathing heavily)  Blood ... there was blood everywhere again.  Filled the room until it was an ocean and ... and above it this light.  Nothing should shine like that.  Like the rotted heart of the world.

LaFontaine: So, that’s not creepy.  (to Carmilla) Do you think these are still the dreams that means she’s been chosen?

Carmilla: She shouldn’t be having these dreams anymore.  The charm should’ve chased the vampires away.

Laura: I- I don’t think it’s a vampire.  It’s the girl.  The girl in the nightdress.

Carmilla: You saw her?

Laura: I think so.  She was ... in the room as the blood rose.  She didn’t even try and swim.  Why didn’t she try and swim?

Carmilla: Did she say anything?

Laura: No.  Maybe.  Maybe not to go into the light, cause the light is hungry

LaFontaine: Awesome.  I didn’t need to sleep again ever.

Carmilla: That’s everything she said?

Laura: Yeah, I’m sorry. You asked about her before.  It’s her, isn’t it?  It’s Ell.

Carmilla (sitting down on her bed): I don’t know.  I’ve never seen her.  The girls we take talk about her sometimes.  Little girl with a mole right here (taps a spot by her nose)  She’s never tried to say anything to me.

LaFontaine: Who are we talking about now?

Laura: Her ex.  Kind of.  She got taken a long time ago.  Maybe she can’t get to you.  Maybe it’s, like, a non-vampire thing?

Carmilla: Sure.

LaFontaine: “The light is hungry”.  Not to get all fascinated by weird things, but maybe it’s a clue.  Maybe it has something to do with the second stage of the parasite.

Laura: Could be.  But how are we gonna cross-reference some ancient evil light with weird parasitic brain worms in .... Oh, no!

Time skip.  Laura’s in front of the camera with a frying pan and a bottle of mace.  LaFontaine is standing behind her holding a bat, while Carmilla plays with a knife.

Carmilla: How did you idiots ever trap me?

Laura: Just in case we ... don’t come back, we are recording this message.

LaFontaine: We’ve determined that a research trip which some of you may not approve of is a necessity.

Laura: And since, uh, the subbasement where the archives are housed only exists after dark, a day trip was out of the question.  So, if you’re watching this, Danny, Perry ...

LaFontaine: Oh, hell no.  (Carmilla looks up)  We are not apologizing to them.  We are ready for the weird.  We thrive on it.  (Carmilla smiles, putting the knife down)  We tape our flamethrowers to our pulse rifles and we make the weird submit.  We’re goin’ to the Library.

LaFontaine heads out the door.  Laura and Carmilla exchange glances.

Back to previous episode

New scene.  Laura’s in front of the computer speaking.  Carmilla brings Laura her Tardis mug from the kitchenette area

Laura: So, it was kind of a long night last night.  Seems the Alchemy Club lost control of this giant underground fungus.

Carmilla: Idiots (sits down on her bed)

Laura: And these huge mushrooms popped up and started shooting spores at people, and anyone who inhaled them kinda started lurching around like a zombie.

Carmilla: Actually, that part was kinda funny

Laura: Right up till the moment they tried to burn down the Lustig Theater building

Carmilla: Yeah, that’s still pretty funny

Laura: And tried to attack anyone who stopped them ...

Carmilla: Yeah, that’s still like a little -

Laura: Okay, you can stop pretending to be all callous and indifferent.  They saw you save me.

Carmilla: I was just saving myself from the spores.

Laura: Sure you were.  Anyway, those of us who, for whatever reason, didn’t get a face full of mushroom dust spent the evening hacking apart six-foot toadstools and rolling barrels of fungicide into any building within a half-mile of the Lustig, which, side note: what is it with people trying to burn that place down?  Didn’t they already torch it back in 1904?

Carmilla: Well, nobody likes theater students

LaFontaine and Perry enter

Perry: ... some crazy cooking club prank.  My hair still smells like burning portabellos

Laura: Hey, Perry, I don’t think that those were ...

LaFontaine: Don’t bother.  She’s trying to convince herself Day of the Triffids out there has something to do with the caf greenhouse getting out of control.

Perry: Well, that is not beyond the realm of ... (sighs, dropping onto Laura’s bed) Giant mushrooms?

LaFontaine: Did you see Danny out there?  Good thing she’s on our side, cause that was violent.

Laura: Yeah, I don’t think she’s taking our ... thing from yesterday very well.

LaFontaine: Yeah, I’d steer clear of her for a little while.  Especially if she’s armed.

Carmilla: Um, not to be inhospitable, but why the hell are you two here?

LaFontaine (looking uncomfortable): The test results came back for the fluid we found in Sarah Jane and Natalie’s rooms.

Laura: And?

Perry: But maybe some kind of, um, cyclical, natural thing.  Like a, like a jellyfish

LaFontaine: So ... it was cerebrospinal fluid.

Laura and Carmilla both look away, looking a bit nauseous

Laura: Is that what I think it is?

LaFontaine: It’s the fluid in your brain sack.

Laura: So, I stuck my hand in a puddle of Betty’s brain fluid.  Uugh

LaFontaine: Oh, it gets better than that.

Laura: Ugh

Carmilla: And what exactly is your idea of better?

LaFontaine: I looked at it through our electron microscope (walks over the the computer to plug in a USB drive), and I found ... these.

Laura: Holy crapsticks, what are those?

LaFontaine: I think it’s some kind of parasite?

Everyone turns to look at Carmilla

Carmilla: Don’t look at me.  I don’t know anything about parasites.  Uh, I’m a vampire, not a guinea worm.

Laura: Okay, but this could be what makes Betty and the other girls started acting so crazy!  I mean, parasites do that, right?  Like the thing in the Amazon that makes ants climb up trees before it kills them.

LaFontaine: Exactly.  Or that protozoa that makes you like cats.  (to Carmilla) Is there something you make them drink or something injected or inhaled?

Carmilla: No!  Whatever’s happening to them happens after my mother takes them.

LaFontaine: Think carefully.  There has to be something

Perry’s looking very uncomfortable, and distracts herself by making Laura’s bed.

Carmilla: Yeah, sure.  Okay, let’s just dissect my deeply painful past in excruciating detail.

Carmilla rushes out

LaFontaine (to Carmilla): Well, but ... (to Laura) I don’t wanna make her uncomfortable, but ... first-hand witness, hello?

Laura: I know, it’s just ... she kinda lost someone a while ago and I think talking about it makes her sad or guilty or ... (looks at LaFontaine)  And those are things that a human might feel, so she’s probably gonna go scour herself, lie, or eat somebody.  You don’t think she’d eat somebody?

LaFontaine: Uh, yeah, crushes-on-vampires.

Laura: What?  I don’t ... I just ... I feel sorry for her is all.  The way her mom treats her, it’s no wonder she has baggage.

LaFontaine: Well, I wanna figure this out before her baggage crushes us.  So ... minion vamps take girls.  They infect them with the brain parasites, hence pod people.  And then they kidnap them again.  Why?

Laura: What if they don’t?

LaFontaine: What?

Laura: Parasites have life cycles, right?  So, what if the girls disappearing a second time isn’t the vampires at all?  What if it’s, like, the next stage of the parasite?  What if it’s something that we’ve never even seen before at all?

Perry: No!  No.  N-n-n-n-n-n-no.  Okay.  That is - these are not things that happen.  Vampires and evil, weird brain parasites, and giant mushrooms?  No.  We’re supposed to have a movie night and a-a formal dance at the end of term.  And, you’ll come to me with boy problems, or girl problems, or menstrual problems, but not all of this ... evil, weird conspiracy.  No.  This, mmm, this needs to stop happening.  I demand this stops happening.  Just ... be normal.  Just ... BE NORMAL!!

Back to previous episode

Carmilla smacks the stake out of Danny’s hand and grabs her by the throat

Danny: I won’t let you hurt her

Carmilla: Not to ruin your big heroic entrance, Xena, but she’s not the one in trouble.

Danny: If you think that I can’t get up - (Carmilla snaps her neck back)

Carmilla: I have been doing my very best to be patient about the ambush and the hostage-taking and the starvation diet, but I am having difficulty remembering why it is I haven’t torn out your spine.

Laura: No, don’t!  Please don’t!  Carmilla!  (Carmilla gives her an annoyed look)  Look, Danny’s sorry, and she’s not gonna try and kill you again, right?  Danny?  (Danny nods)  Look, she’s nodding.  That’s a nod.

Carmilla rolls her eyes and lets Danny go.  Danny gasps for breath.

Laura: Are you okay?

LaFontaine moves closer to the entrance, by Perry

Danny: I’m fine.  I was just ... I was scared for you.

Laura: I know, but look!  I’ve got everything under control.

Carmilla flexes her fingers in irritation

Danny: Under control?  Laura, you think this is under control?  In the past two weeks, you have broken into the faculty club, you have almost gotten killed at the Library, you have offered yourself up as vampire bait, and- and now she’s loose, and you have a bite on your neck!

Laura: Okay, there are perfectly reasonable (turns to camera) reasons for all of that

Danny: Oh, could you stop playing to the cheap seats for all of five seconds?!

Perry (taking LaFontaine’s hand): Okay, so this is none of our business, so we’re just gonna go.  Um, Carmilla?

Carmilla: Oh, no, I’m good (sits down on her bed watching Laura and Danny)

Perry and LaFontaine exit in a hurry

Laura: The filming that I do ... it is part of something important.

Danny: And I’m not saying it’s not.  It’s just ... you have to call me before you’re -

Laura: Have to call you?  Because it’s, like, your job to keep me safe?

Danny: Yes!

Laura: What?

Danny: I care about you!  Of course it’s my job to keep you safe.

Laura (standing up): Well, I’m sorry that my making my own decisions and being reckless is making it hard for you to do your job

Danny: I didn’t mean it like that!

Laura: Yes you did!  You meant that Laura’s too dumb to know what she can and can’t handle, and needs to be protected by the big strong grownups.  That’s all anyone ever wants to say to me.  My dad, the Zetas, you.  (glances at Carmilla)  Everyone.

Danny: Laura -

Laura: I like you.  I really do.  I like that you’re brave and strong and all kinds of righteous, but I don’t need a dad. I’ve already got that one covered.

Danny (to Carmilla) Is this because of you and your -

Laura: No, no!  It’s just, me and you ... needing different things, y’know?

Danny: Okay, fine.  I’ll - I’ll back off.  (to Carmilla) Hey, dead girl.  If anything happens to her, I’m coming back here with that stake, got it?

Carmilla: I’ll hold my breath.

Danny: And just ... be careful, okay?  (Laura nods)  So ... I guess I’ll see you in class.

Laura: Yeah, about that .. I -

Danny: What?

Laura: Nothing.  It’s not important.  Just a dumb question about my midterm.

Danny: Okay.

Danny leaves.  Laura sits down on her bed.

Carmilla: Smooth, Sundance.  Smooth.

Laura: You suck

Carmilla: Hmm  (Strange sounds from outside)  What the-?

Laura and Carmilla rush to the window

Laura: Are those - giant mushrooms?

Carmilla: God, I hate this place.

Back to previous episode

New scene.  Laura’s in front of her computer.  Her yellow pillow is on Carmilla’s bed again.  A glass with blood in it is on the side of her table.

Laura: So, I’m pretty sure I just failed my first test ever in my life.  And, yes, I know that college isn’t as easy as high school, and my attention has probably been wandering due to living with a vampire, but still, I just feel dirty.

Carmilla enters the scene from the bathroom

Carmilla: Ugh, what are you whining about now?

Laura: Nothing.  (pause)  I think I failed my Lit midterm.

Carmilla: Big deal.  Aren’t you practically dating your TA?

Laura: You mean ask Danny to ... No, I couldn’t do that.  An “A” is a sacred trust

Carmilla: Fine.  But if I was your TA, you wouldn’t even have to ask.

Laura: That’s unethical.  Considerate, but unethical.

Carmilla: Ethics are a ridiculous game played by children who think they can impose order on an arbitrary universe.

Laura: Yeah, but, what can you do but try?

Carmilla: Well, if you were smart, you’d take any advantage you can get.  Speaking of which, where’s that bracelet I gave you?

Laura looks slightly guilty, and gets the bracelet from where it was hidden under Carmilla’s mattress.

Carmilla: Really?

Laura: So, what does it do exactly?

Carmilla (putting in on Laura) It makes you feel off to vampires.  Like, you’re leaking radiation.  Like, if I touched you, I might feel off.

Laura: Oh.  Well, that’s good.  That’s probably good.

Carmilla: Well, it might persuade them to move on to someone else.

Laura: Speaking of which, have you heard anything from the Dean yet?

Carmilla: Radio silence.  But the fact that we’re both not messily dead bodes well.

LaFontaine and Perry enter the room

LaFontaine: ... And I say “seriously, Nick?  If you can’t even remember to keep the cage locked ...”

Carmilla: Um, at what point in the last century did people give up on knocking?

LaFontaine: Laura, the vampire’s loose.  Why is the vampire loose?

Perry (running off): I’ll get help!

Laura: No, Perry!  Aah!

LaFontaine: Why would you let her go?!

Laura: I didn’t!  It was beyond my control!  But she really is on our side.

LaFontaine: How do I know she hasn’t pod-personed you?  That you’re not just spouting the vampire company line?

Carmilla: It doesn’t work that way

LaFontaine: Yeah, completely plausible coming from you.

Laura: Do you want proof?  (Stands up, to Carmilla) You are literally the worst roommate ever.  You have been untied all of eight hours and there’s already sludge in every surface of the bathroom.  And you just stole my pillow!  (grabs her yellow pillow and puts it back on her bed)  (To LaFontaine) Good enough?

LaFontaine: For now.  (to Carmilla) You said that’s not how it works, so how does it work?  What happens to the girls you take?

Carmilla (shrugs): I don’t know.  But whatever happens to them happens after I take them to my mother.

LaFontaine: Wait, you’ve been taking girls for how many hundreds of years and you don’t even know what happens to them?

Carmilla (sarcastically): Um, gee, Mom.  Feel like telling me the secrets of your antediluvian vampire cult today?  (Laura smiles at Carmilla)  Oh, what’s that?  No?  Okay.  And you’ll use my head as a doorstop if I continue asking questions.  Whatever happens to them, it makes their blood undrinkable.

LaFontaine: If it’s changing their blood chemistry, maybe it’s physically affecting their brains as well.  We really need to figure out what that goo we’ve been finding the rooms is.

Laura: See, look?  You’re helping already.  Now we just have to get Betty and the other girls back.

Carmilla: Have I been stuttering, when I’ve been talking about my mother?  There’s not getting them back.  There’s just staying out of my mother’s way.

Laura: You’ve been saving girls!

Carmilla: No, I’ve just been screwing with mummy dearest’s minions to annoy her!

Laura: So, after everything that she’s done to you - to Ell - your big revenge is to be annoying.  Aren’t you some centuries-old badass?

Carmila: Yeah, and you know how you get to be centuries old?  You pick your battles.  My mother is an ancient supernatural being with a personal cabal of the undead.  You are an annoying teenager whose only real skill is being nosy.

Laura: But you’re not!  You’re some super-fast super-strong vampire!

Carmilla: Yeah, and you’ve got a better chance of taking me down than I’ve ever had against my mother.  You feel like taking a shot?

Perry returns with Danny

Perry: See?  She’s loose.  I told you she was loose!

Danny raises a stake towards Carmilla.

Danny: You.  Me.  Right now.