#carmilla transcripts

Back to previous episode

Laura’s sitting in front of the camera, while in the background, Betty, now dressed much more conservatively than we’d seen her before, looks through the closet.  Her half-room looks quite different now than it did when we first met her, or when it was Carmilla’s.

Laura: Hey.  So, after everything that happened, I didn’t really feel like filming anymore, but Perry seems to think it’ll be good for me.  It’ll provide closure or continuity or something.

Betty: Who was this girl, seriously?  God, her sole possessions are, like, a pile of empty wallets and some punk rock t-shirts.

Betty walks towards the bathroom

Laura: So, Betty’s back.  Kind of.  Turns out she was supposed to be going to Princeton, so she’s just here while she’s waiting to hear about a transfer.

Betty (walking back in from the bathroom): The bleach.  I’m gonna need all of the bleach.  God, how did you not die?

Betty starts preparing a bowl of cereal

Laura: She’s still a pretty good roommate, as roommates go.  She doesn’t steal all my things and she actually uses the chore wheel.  Oh!  And I didn’t fail.  Danny got my grade switched to the pass side of pass-fail on account of my saving five students from being eaten and all.  Professor Cochrane actually gave me an A- in journalism.  She said that it would’ve been an A, but desperate last-minute rescues are bad form.

Betty: Oh my God!  There’s blood in the milk container.  Why is there blood in the milk container?  What is wrong with you people?  Why would anyone go to this school?

Betty exits the room.

The room starts shaking, and sirens sound from outside

Laura: Yeah, we’ve been having a lot of those since the battle.  Aftershocks, I guess?  Oh!  And JP is okay.  Kind of.  Ah, turns out LaFontaine had a backup USB, which is a little weird, but better to have him than not.  He and LaFontaine have been spending a lot of time together in the Library lately.  I think they’re kinda ... dating.  Maybe.  Perry is dealing with that as best she can.  I’m gonna miss those two when my dad comes to pick me up for reading week.  (pause)  And, look, I know that she was a terrible roommate and kind of a terrible person sometimes, and that one big grand gesture doesn’t make up for centuries of what’s essentially murder, but ... (getting emotional) she was my terrible roommate and she made the big gesture for me.

There’s a knock at the door.  Perry enters.

Perry: Hey, Laura.  Um, so, something happened, and, um, I just wanted to come prepare you so that you wouldn’t freak out.  So, Kirsch and some of his Zeta bros were, um, throwing cherry bombs into the big pit under the Lustig.  And, um, they found, um ...

Danny enters carrying Carmilla

Danny: Okay, sorry, Easy Bake, she’s heavier than she looks.

Danny sets Carmilla down on Laura’s bed

Laura: Carm!  (Runs over to her)

Danny: Okay.  So, we think she’s ... I mean, she seems dead, but she’s a vampire, right?

Laura: Well, blood!  She needs blood!

Laura runs over to the fridge and grabs the soymilk container and feeds it to Carmilla.

Laura: Please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead.

Carmilla sits up slowly.

Carmilla: Well, that was a kick.

Laura runs over to hug her

Laura: Hey

Carmilla: Hey

Perry turns to leave, shooing Danny out too.  Both quickly exit, closing the door behind themselves, leaving Laura and Carmilla alone.

Laura: Are you hurt?  It looks like maybe you’re hurt.  And I’m sorry I hugged you so hard that you’re hurt, it- it’s just that you were dead and- and now you’re not and- and I know that you’re probably going ... (Carmilla stands up) ... through a lot of stuff with your mom, it’s just that ...

Carmilla kisses Laura

Laura: And I know that you didn’t do everything for me, but I just ...

Carmilla kisses Laura a second time.  Laura squeals and kisses her

Laura: Wow.  So, you’re a giant black cat, hunh?

Carmilla and Laura start laughing.

End credits run, with the theme song “Love Will Have Its Sacrifices” playing.  After the credits and final logo, the screen fades to black and we hear Carmilla and Laura speaking (initially over a black screen)

Carmilla: I really can’t have one day without that thing?

Laura: Oh, come on, don’t you wanna record it for posterity?

We now see them in the dorm.  Carmilla’s sitting on Betty’s bed, Laura sitting next to her in her chair

Carmilla: Posterity can bite me.  I have better things to do

Laura: Oh, come on!  They are all dying to know how you survived.  I will make it worth your while.

Carmilla: Well, it turns out that ... (LaFontaine enters abruptly, looking around the dorm) ... I hate this place so much.

LaFontaine: Where is it?  Where’s the book?  The big Sumerian book?

Laura: Uh, it’s in the washroom.  I was using it as a ... as a bath mat.  It’s pretty cushy.

LaFontaine rushes into the bathroom, returning with the book

LaFontaine: Uh, I don’t read Sumerian.  (Gives the book to Carmilla) Uh, Lophiiformes.  Where is it?  Where’s the page?  (Carmilla opens the book)  I- I know it talks about sacrificing five virgins every twenty years, but ... does it say anything about what would happen if it ate, say, a very old, very powerful vampire like your mother?

The room shakes and more sirens sound

Carmilla: We didn’t kill it?

Laura: I have an idea.  We just go. We leave for reading week and we never come back.  I mean, we can do that, right?  Right?

Town Hall alarm sounds.   Screen fades to black.

End Season 1

Back to previous episode

Laura’s now sitting up in her bed, Kirsch is sitting at the foot of the bed.  Betty is sitting on the stool in the back of the room, with LaFontaine beside her.  Elsie and Natalie remain on Carmilla’s bed.  Perry’s next to Kirsch, and Danny’s next to Laura.  Danny walks over to the camera

Danny: So, Laura’s kinda having a rough time right now.  So ...

Danny turns to face Perry

Perry: So, Laura and I followed LaFontaine across campus to the Lustig Building, and then ... down through the basement into a series of caves

LaFontaine: I still cannot believe you used me as a human homing beacon

Perry: I know, it’s just ... we were getting desperate and then -

LaFontaine: No, no, no, no.  That was hardcore.  We do not apologize for the hardcore.

Perry: I missed you, weirdo

LaFontaine: Control freak.  (long shared look) 

Perry: Um, right, so, then, uh, everyone was there.  Um, the vampires, the Dean, uh, Kirsch and all the rest, and they were standing at the lip of this enormous chasm with their backs to us, so we rushed them, which was a bad idea.  But I did manage to stake that one guy, Will?  (looks over at Kirsch) Oh, sorry sweetie

Kirsch: It’s okay.  I mean, he kinda had it coming.

Perry: But then, the rest of the vampires caught us and they threw Laura and I in an old broom closet to eat later.

Danny: You know the next part.  They forgot to take away Laura’s phone, which ... apparently has really great reception.  So, I get a text, and, with ... a little convincing, I rustle up the cavalry.  A phalanx of sisters, 40-odd Zetas, armed with their traditional tridents and salted herring.  And, so, we free Laura and Perry and we rush the vampire line.  And we totally had them on the ropes when this rumbling started.  And, from the bottom of the pit, you could see this light rising.  And- and it was like ...

Laura: Like the sun coming up underground, and you’re transfixed by the brightness.  Everybody started walking right towards it, cause what can you do but give yourself over to this light?  Which was the moment this huge cat grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and dragged me away from the edge.  And then it shrank and shifted, and there was Carmilla, with a sword.  A sword like a hollow in reality, eating light.

Danny: And when the Dean saw Carmilla, she screamed and came at us in this swarm of shadows like crows scratching and clawing.  And they fought like that until the Dean transformed into a woman again, at which point Carmilla decks her in the face with the sword hilt and she falls into the pit.

Laura: But it was too late.  The light was everywhere.  You could see these figures in it, reaching out for you.  And I think Ell was ... was maybe reaching out for Carmilla, and Carmilla was crying, cause in all this time she’d never been able to see her.  But then Carmilla turned to me and said “y’know, I really am starting to hate this heroic vampire crap”  (Laura, Perry, LaFontaine, and Kirsch chuckle)  And then she leapt.  Drove the sword right into the heart of the light and the light shook and sputtered like it was alive and the ghosts screamed.  And they all fell together into the darkness.

LaFontaine: Once the light was out, I guess the brain parasites died because everyone seemed to wake up, more or less.

Natalie: I was arriving at the wine and cheese and that’s it.  I don’t even remember if I got any wine.

Betty: I was on a campus tour.  I didn’t even wanna go to this school.

Perry: But, we were all still stuck in an almost completely dark underground cavern with a gang of vampires.  Except, it wasn’t totally dark, because all over the wall and, um, in the air were these beautiful glowing puffballs, courtesy of the Alchemy Club.

Kirsch: Yeah, it was like, having a bar fight in black light.  And this other vamp tried to break my arm and Psycho Society here saved my bacon

Danny (to camera): That was accidental

Kirsch: Hey, even if, you save a Zeta’s life, you become an honorary Zeta.  You get a trident and everything.  And, um, you know, it’d be kinda cool if you would ... well, when the chips are down, you’re kinda like a bro.  Um ... and I could sorta use one.

Perry: Well, finally, all the vampires surrendered.  Except for Carmilla’s mom, who was fifty feet down the cliff face clinging on by her fingernails.

Danny: Oh, and she was doing the whole “you fools, you don’t know what you’ve done, you’ll regret this, zombies will eat your liver, blah blah blah blah”

Kirsch: Yeah, and then Laura’s like “Hey, sorry, the students of Silas University would like a new Dean because (A) you’re a callous evil witch ... Yep, that one’s it.  A”  And then Laura goes and pushes this rock that’s been teetering on the edge, and bam!  Done with the Dean.

LaFontaine: Even better than that, now that the ancient demonic brain lantern is off, people are finally coming around, realizing they probably should have been upset about going to a school that serves eyeballs in the cafeteria, has safety protocols for escaped cacodemons, and where mortal combat is a prerequisite for tenure.  The administration is finally gonna have to listen to my long, long list of health .... Yeah.  Sorry, Laura.

Laura: It’s okay.

Perry: Laura, you did it.  You saved Betty.  You saved almost everyone.

Laura: Yeah.  Almost everyone.

Back to previous episode

A bit later than the previous episode.  LaFontaine and Perry are still on Laura’s bed, while Laura sits in front of the camera

Laura: So, college isn’t turning out quite like I thought it would.  For those of you who have been watching, you know that a couple months ago, the Dean, who’s evil, kidnapped my roommate Betty, to feed some brain-devouring hungry light under the Earth.  I thought I could save my roommate, and instead, all I’ve managed to do is get my friends brainsucked and kidnapped, and my heart broken by my sociopathic vampire roommate, who’s probably the only one who’s gonna survive any of this.  Also, I’m pretty sure I flunked out.  The worst part is that if I just sit here and do nothing, it’ll pass me over.  I could be safe and go home to my dad.  And all I’d have to do is accept the fact that I don’t understand the world and that I can’t change it.  And that even trying would be throwing away my life for nothing.

LaFontaine: It’s time.  It’s time for the party. I have to go.

Perry: Calm down, sweetie.  There’s no party

LaFontaine: There is and it’s now!

Laura: The party!

LaFontaine: The party ...

Perry: Laura, you are not helping!

Laura: No, I mean, the party.  When Carmilla did the translation, she said “their world narrows to celebration”, but what if it was supposed to be “their world narrows to the celebration”?  (Laura gets up and walks to LaFontaine)  Is there a bright light at the party?

LaFontaine: Yes, party light.  Glittering ...

Laura: And do you know how to get there?  How to get to the party?

LaFontaine: I have to go.

Laura (to Perry): I won’t try and force you.  There’s no way that we can win.  We might not even be able to make a dent.

Perry: I am supposed to be planning a post-midterms brunch and hassling my best friend because pipettes make crappy stocking stuffers.  Some things are more important than whether you can win.

Laura: So sometimes you stand up anyway.

Perry nods.  Laura heads to the camera

Laura: Um, dad.  If you’re watching this, (Perry starts untying LaFontaine) Sorry for all the stupid things that I’ve done, and I love you.  And Carmilla, if you’re watching this, then ... you know!

Laura, LaFontaine, and Perry leave

We now see Carmilla in front of the computer, watching the previous scene, looking very frustrated

Carmilla: Goddamnit.  Of all the imbecilic, idiot, suicidal ... you just had to go and get yourself eaten.  Oh, God, you’re somewhere getting eaten.

Danny enters the room

Danny: Where the hell is Laura? Because this isn’t funny.

Carmilla: What?

Danny: I just got a text “Trapped in basement of old chapel.  Come quick.  Bring stakes

Carmilla: The Dudley Chapel.  The Lustig Building!  They’re under the Lustig Building!

Danny: You’re being serious?  This isn’t a joke?

Carmilla: Only the part that’s happening right now, Xena.  Okay.  Get down there, rustle up your Brobdingnagian sorority sisters and- and get to the Lustig.  Hell, even tell the Zetas that’s where their missing bros are

Carmilla exits the room

Danny: And where are you going?

Carmilla: To do something really stupid

Danny (noticing the camera) Is that thing still running?

Carmilla: Yeah, I think we’re supposed to be filming our soppy heartfelt goodbyes or something

Danny: Screw that

Carmilla: Good call.  See you at the violence.

Both exit

Screen fades to black.

Laura (voiceover): So, a completely unexpected thing just happened.

We now see Laura’s room.  Laura’s in front of the camera, a cut on her face.   Her room is crowded.  LaFontaine is on the foot of Laura’s bed, next to Betty.  Danny’s standing by the bed, Kirsch is standing next to her, his arm in a sling.  Elsie, Perry, and Natalie are sitting on Carmilla’s bed

Laura: We won.  We actually won.  We won (voice breaking) And Carmilla’s dead

Back to previous episode

Laura’s in front of the camera, LaFontaine’s tied up on Laura’s bed, Perry’s making stakes, and Carmilla’s sitting on her bed drinking a grape soda looking broody.  In the background you can hear construction sounds, and there’s a map of the University drawn on paper behind Laura.

Laura: Welcome to midterm week at Silas.  Students are scrambling for their exams.  The stage is being built for the big party

LaFontaine: Party ...

Laura: And in an underground cavern who-knows-where, a horrific sacrifice is being prepared.  That’s the bad news.  The good news is that we haven’t heard anything about any other girls going missing, and with LaFontaine still hogtied and headbanging (glances back at LaF), the vamps are still two shy of their magic number.  Even more awesome than that is that we have totally researched up some mystical vamp-killing, evil-ending sword that is gonna level this tilt-a-whirl of a playing field.  (to Carmilla) You’re gonna go out and grab that soon, yeah?

Carmilla: Soon

Laura: Good.  I will feel a lot better when we are all together and heavily-armed.  I wish JP was here, but someone (looks back at LaF) seems to have misplaced our non-resident librarian.  (Laura gets a sudden headache, putting her hand to her temple)

Carmilla: Are- are you alright?

Laura: Yeah.  That necklace did a number on me.  I feel like I had a whole other brain crammed into my skull.

Carmilla: That- that’ll pass.

Laura: Ugh.  That is not helping either.  But I think it’s also this sit-tight plan.  I mean, what if the vamps just take two more tonight and make with the Sacrifice anyway?

Carmilla: Laura, this plan keeps you safe.  It keeps your friends here safe.  That’s all we can do.  (Laura looks like she has an idea)  Laura ...

Laura: You’re right; it’s all that we can do, but what if there were more of us? (Carmilla shakes her head, trying to interject) Remember when I first put the videos up online and all those people that I’d never even met just wanted to help?  There is a whole campus full of people out there and what do you bet they don’t want some vampire cult kidnapping their friends any more than we do?

Carmilla: Laura, it’s

Laura: With that many people, we can search every basement and cave until we find them.  It’s ... perfect!

Carmilla: Laura’s, that’s -

Laura: I will go get (Carmilla at same time “Okay”) the troops rallied, and you go get the Sword,  Your mom and her loopy demon light thingy aren’t even gonna know what him ‘em.

Laura kisses Carmilla’s cheek and runs off

Perry (to Carmilla): Don’t you have a sword to go get?

New scene.  Laura in front of her computer with an icepack on her forehead.  LaFontaine still tied up and struggling on the bed, with Perry trying to soothe them as best she can

Laura: Yeah, that could’ve gone better.  Ugh.  So, I got up on the big party ...

LaFontaine (quietly, at same time as Laura) I wanna go to the party

Laura: ... stage and I explained to the assembled crowd that the Dean of Students was a vampire who planned on sacrificing five of their classmates to some ancient brain-devouring hungry light, and that it was time for all of Silas to rally together ... And then, unfortunately, I was hit in the head with a tomato.  Turns out Danny really has not gotten over ... things.  But, before the Summer Society could pummel me with more various fruits, the Zetas showed up.  Turns out Will and Kirsch are missing and the last place anyone saw them was headed to this dorm.  So, the only reason I sit before you now, untarred and unfeathered, is because they couldn’t agree on who had a better case of using me as a human piñata, and like all of their arguments, it quickly escalated into a free-for-all, with paintballs and quarterstaff combat and no concern for the destruction of property.  So, I snuck to safety when they set the party stage on fire.

LaFontaine: I wanna go to the party ...

Laura: So much for my big plan.  The campus is a war zone and I don’t know what could’ve happened to Kirsch and I don’t know what to do about LaFontaine or Betty and Carmilla’s still gone and I’m starting to get worried and - (Laura’s computer pings) and apparently my video cache is full from a giant raw file from ... Wednesday.  But that should just be ...

We hear a playback of the possession scene

Recorded Dean: Hello, sweetheart.  I thought it was time we had a little talk

Time skip.  Perry’s filling a bag with stakes.  Laura’s sitting in front of the camera, while LaFontaine continues to remain on Laura’s bed

LaFontaine: It’s time.  It’s time for the party.  I wanna go to the party.

Perry: I know, sweetie.  Shhh.

Carmilla walks in.  Perry and Carmilla swing around to look at her.  Perry gets up, holding a stake

Perry: Not one more step, bloodsucker.

Carmilla: What is this?

Laura hits a button on her computer, pulling up the recording

Recorded Dean: So what’s it to be?  Shall we take the prom king here and leave you and the little moppet alone?

Laura fast forwards

Recorded Carmilla: Deal

Recorded Dean: Excellent

Laura turns off recording

Laura: Were you even gonna tell me?  About JP?  About Kirsch?  About the fact she possessed me and used me to hurt my friends? Or, was it just gonna be “sorry, babe, no sword no rescue’, that’s just the way the world is”?

Carmilla: Laura, that’s not -

Perry: I won’t let you take her

Carmilla: Laura, she promised to leave us alone.

Laura: Yeah, just so long as you let her kill my friends.  You know, it’s not the sword.  The sword would kill you and I get that.  It’s that you just gave up.  After everything, you didn’t even try.

Carmilla: Laura, that’s not what -

Laura: Go away, Carmilla.  Go run and hide.  We’re done.

Carmilla leaves, looking upset.

Back to previous episode

Carmilla: What do you want, Mother?

The Dean: You didn’t come when I sent for you.  I can’t imagine poor William was at all unclear.  He doesn’t quite have the brains for ... delicacy.

Carmilla: So if you’re gonna kill me, why not just come yourself?

JP: Don’t give her any ideas!

The Dean: Kill you?  When you think of the lengths I’ve gone to save you from your own foolishness?  No, but I thought we should talk without your little “friends” listening in.

JP: Oh, no --- she means me ...  I’ll be good!  No, please, Ms Dean, I’ll be -

The Dean unplugs JP’s flash drive.  She crushes it.  The screen flickers and creepy images show up of JP.  The flash drive is crushed into dust which the Dean lets fall to the floor.

The Dean: Now, that was satisfying.  That little son of a glitch has been a loose end since he disappeared into that rabbit hole they call a library back in 1874

Carmilla: You didn’t have to do that

The Dean: Yes, I did.  Threats to the Sacrifice cannot be tolerated.  One day, you’ll understand.

Carmilla: Do you I’m ever gonna understand why you fed the only girl I’ve ever loved to an, an abomination?

The Dean: I think you’re a practical girl and you’ll see that everything I do, I do for the best.  That silly little creature couldn’t’ve loved you.  The second she knew what you were, she spilled all your secrets like an idiot schoolchild.  She was a cockroach.  A wretched, crawling, thing like this one.  And you, (brushes Carmilla’s hair) my glittering girl, are a diamond.  Stone cannot love flesh.

Carmilla: See, all I’m hearing are your excuses for why you let a supernatural suckfest turn you into its kitchen staff.

The Dean: And you think you’ll be the one to change all that?  You’ll claw the Blade of Hastur from its underwater grave and strike out the light where we worship?  (The Dean dips a finger into the glass of blood and tastes it)  It was a good plan.  But you won’t try it.  It’s a blade meant to consume anyone who wields it.  Why do you think the Cult of Hastur buried the wretched thing?  (Sighs)  Oh, darling, there’s no way for you to fight and nothing to fight with.  Sometimes, that’s just the way of the world.  And we must learn to bear it as best we can.

Carmilla: So if it’s all doomed, why even bother coming to tell me?

The Dean: Because I would hate for you to become a threat to the Sacrifice.  Instead, I thought I’d offer you a deal.  If you can keep your little ... pet here from making more trouble, I’ll let you keep her.  Take someone else instead.

Carmilla: How could I ever trust you?

The Dean: Why don’t I start us off with a gesture of good faith?  (louder)  William, why don’t you bring in your little friend?

Will enters, followed by Kirsch

Will: Hi, sugar-puss.

Time skip.  Kirsch is sitting in the chair, while Will stands in the back half of the room, the Dean still sitting on Laura’s bed, and Carmilla standing to the side

Kirsch: Will said you needed some help with your big rescue plan.  And I was like, the Zetas are in!  Y’know, we’re up to being big damn heroes.  I told you Will was a total bro.

The Dean: Isn’t he darling?  I do so enjoy chivalry  (Walks over to Kirsch; Carmilla sits down on Laura’s bed)

Kirsch: Hey, Laura, you’re acting, uh, kinda weird, even for you

The Dean: Hush, dear, the grownups are talking.

Carmilla: I thought your hungry little night light wanted virgins

The Dean: Oh, you’ve been reading Barkley’s transcriptions.  That man was obsessed.  No, we just take girls because it’s traditional.  Besides, the world’s just gonna grind them up anyway, so it’s almost a mercy.

Kirsch (to Will): Uh ... what’s she talking about?

The Dean: This one, though, believes some idiot accident, perhaps depression over his lost sweetie.  (to Carmilla) So, what’s it to be?  Shall we take the prom king here and leave you and the little moppet alone?

Kirsch (to Will): Dude, I don’t get what she’s talking about?

Will: Oh, it’s cool, bro.  You’re gonna save Laura.

Kirsch: Alright, sweet

The Dean: Because the other option is I simply waltz this adorable little body right out the door and into the Sacrifice.

Carmilla: Deal.

The Dean: Excellent.  William?  (snaps fingers)

Will approaches Kirsch and turns his chair around, and then puts him in a chokehold, dragging him out the door

Kirsch: Will, dude, what are you doing?

Will: Choking you, bro

Kirsch: Okay ...

Will: Just choking you, bro

Kirsch: Not cool ...

Kirsch passes out.  Carmilla looks upset

The Dean: Remember, she’s safe so long as you keep her from meddling.  If either of you get in the way again, all bets are off.

Carmilla: You’ve made yourself clear.

The Dean: I should hope so.  Now be quick.  Catch.

The Dean takes off the necklace, her body falls to the bed

Carmilla: Hey, Laura, Laura, hey!

Laura coughs and sits up

Laura: Carm, what the ... ?

Carmilla: Hey, you’re fine.  It was ... the necklace, it was, it was just a trap from my mother.  It was poisoned. But, it- we got it off on time.

Laura: Your mom plays dirty.  Man, she is gonna be so done when you show up all righteous with that sword.

Carmilla: Yeah, I don’t think she’s expecting anything like that.

Back to previous episode

New scene.  Carmilla’s reading the Sumerian book, with a number of other open books on her bed, which she’s comparing with what’s in the Sumerian book.  Laura’s in the back of the room, her hair in a different hair style than usual.  JP’s on the screen.  In the foreground is a blood-glass with a necklace sitting on it.

Laura: Ugh (picks up a pair of underwear with a highlighter and throws it to the side)  I am starting to miss having Perry around

JP: Commencing search: Campus historical records.  Weapons/Sub-Class: Mystical.  Override:// Access:// Restricted Stacks

Laura sits down at the desk, and notices the necklace, she smiles back at Carmilla and puts it on

JP: Execute://  Searching ...

Laura: So, with Carmilla and JP researching mystical weapons on campus - of which there are an alarming number, actually - I have decided it is time to tackle my scholastic progress, or lack thereof, by having a little conversation with my -

There’s a knock at the door.  Danny enters the room

Danny: Hey, Laura.  Uh, Perry said you needed to talk to me?

Laura: - My Lit TA.  (to Danny) Hey, Danny.  You look good.

Danny: Thanks.  And ... you’re still filming.  Even after what happened to LaFontaine.

Laura: Oh, God.  Are you still watching?

Danny: Oh, no no.  Uh, not after the Library.  I worry too much.

Laura: Well, I’m glad that you still care.  But if you aren’t watching, then how’d you know about LaFontaine?

Danny: Oh, I ran into them in the hall

Laura: Yeah, it’s ... not good.  (Danny sits down on Laura’s bed)  Uh, so ... I was kind of hoping I could ask you something.

Danny: Yeah, of course.

Laura: The immediate thing of all this is that it has been very stressful.

Danny: Yeah, I know.  I haven’t exactly seen you in class lately.

Laura: Yeah, about that.  (pause)  Can I have an extension on my term paper?

Danny: ... What?

Laura: Just for, like, a week, until the big soul-sucking ritual I have to thwart is over.

Danny (pause)  ... What?

Laura: Three days?

Danny (sighs): Oh, my God.  I can’t believe I thought ... No, instead, you had me come all this way because you can’t stay on top of your homework?

Laura: Seriously?  Trying to save four people isn’t worth three days?  And, wait, can’t believe you thought what?

Danny: Nothing (gets up)

Laura: Did you think that I invited you over here so that we could ... ?

Danny: No, not anymore I don’t!  I can’t believe your nerve.

Laura: Can’t believe my nerve?  I’m not the one being unfair and vindictive!

Danny: Well, you’re not the one who got thrown over for Elvira, Mistress of the Snark!

Laura: Okay, that is so unfair!

Danny: No, you know what?  I’m not having this conversation.  If you can’t keep your supernatural affairs in order long enough to get your assignments done, that’s your business.

Danny opens the door to leave

Carmilla: Come back never

Danny: This place was cleaner when you were tied up. (to Laura) Don’t call me again.

Danny exits

Laura: Oh, my God, she hates me.  Danny hates me, and I’m gonna fail my Lit course.  Please tell me you’re having better luck with the mystical weapon situation.

Carmilla: Mmm ... not so much.  (reading) Ascalon, an enchanted spear that kills dragons, but only if you’re a Christian saint.  The scepter of Kerykeion will heal them.  The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch would be perfect for an influx of monstrous rabbits.

JP: Match Found!  “The Blade of Hastur” - Image loading ....

Laura: Wait, what about this one?  (An image of the Blade appears, with the words that Laura reads; JP also says the same thing)  “The Blade of Hastur, forged from the burnt bones of Starspawn and meant to shatter all that oppose it.”  Yeah, that sounds ...

JP: It may or may not be sealed into the face of a cliff in an underwater cavern, like, a thousand feet below sea level ... :(

Laura: ... No

Carmilla: Why no?

Laura: Well, it’s sealed in the face of a cliff in an underwater cavern, like, a thousand feet below sea level.  Nobody could survive that, which is probably the point.  (Carmilla puts the book up)  We just need something a little epic quest and a little more “borrowed from the museum of warfare and atrocities”.  Maybe a nice bazooka ..

Carmilla: I could get it

Laura: What?

Carmilla: The sword.  I could get it.  Pressure depth and nitrogen narcosis aren’t really itches for a vampire?

Laura: That would be ... I mean, you’d be risking your life, and if your mother found out she would ...

Carmilla: Yeah, well, my mother fed the only person I cared about to a monster and maybe I don’t feel like letting that happen again ...

Laura: Wow, that’s ... I mean, I know that you’re not just doing it for me, but seriously ...

Carmilla: Don’t be an idiot.  Of course I’m doing it for you (approaches Laura, notices the necklace Laura’s wearing) Where’d you get that?

Laura: I found it here.  I thought that you left it for me

Carmilla: Get it off!

Laura: What?

Carmilla tries to grab the necklace, but it burns her hand

JP: Uh oh!

Laura: But ... (starts to convulse and falls forward)

Carmilla: Laura!  Hey, n-n-n-n-no, Laura!

JP: Search: Evil necklace // Search: Invading spirits // Search: Magical remedies // Search: How to “Exorcise”  Search: Who you gonna call? // Search: Jim Jasper’s Ghost Tonic // Search: What the heck!?!?

Laura stands up, cracking her neck, Carmilla looks frightened

Carmilla: Mother

The Dean: Hello, sweetheart.  I thought it was time we had a little talk.

Back to previous episode

LaFontaine: There’s just nothing.  I remember being here, talking to you, and then I was in that corner like no time had passed.

Perry: Well, it was more than just a day.  We didn’t think you’d come back.  That other girl, Elsie, she didn’t come back.

LaFontaine: They really took me.  If they did, those things are in my brain.  How long do I have?  (No one says anything)  Great.  So, what do we know?  (More silence)  Please tell me you didn’t waste an entire day making brownies.

Laura: No, no!  We found it.  It’s this devouring light thing called Loopy forms

Carmilla: Lophiiformes

Laura: And it looks like the Dean sacrifices five girls to it every twenty years.

LaFontaine: Wow, so much for the university’s progressive policies on feminism, hunh?  (chuckles)  So, uh, why would the Dean do that?

Carmilla: Well, why does anyone start a cult?  Wealth, power, eternal youth, to get back at people you knew in high school

LaFontaine: So, uh, is there anything the book that might ...?

Carmilla: No, it’s just ... it’s more in the “all hail and cower mewling worms” vein

Perry: Okay.  So, maybe we don’t have to go with the book, but (beeping from LaFontaine’s phone) ancient evil brain parasites, yes, so maybe they don’t like, um, aspirin or cough syrup

LaFontaine: My phone’s almost dead.  What’s this?

LaFontaine presses a button on the phone, and a recorded message plays

Recorded LaFontaine: I didn’t see anything when they took me, but now I’m in this little room.  It’s dark and it smells like limestone and water like a cave

Recorded Will: I don’t know what she’s bitching about, I mean we’re fine.  The third one went so fast we didn’t need to collect her again.  This one replaced the airhead.  So, we just need to score one more for the ritual for the new moon.  It’ll be cake.  Ugh, damnit!  This one’s fainted.  Did you forget to water them again?  Good news, smarty pants.  The Dean will see you now.

Recorded LaFontaine: Oh, that’s okay.  I know she’s busy.

There’s a sound of LaFontaine being hit and then the recording ends.

Laura: Did you record your own kidnapping?

LaFontaine: Maybe

Carmilla: Incompetent idiots. (Perry and Laura look at her) No, not you guys.  My mother’s minions.  Who lets a kidnapping victim get in with a recording device?  That’s just ... (Laura nudges her with her elbow)  By which I mean, well done, you!

Laura: You did amazing.  They have three girls down there and they’re all still alive.

Carmilla: Yeah, but we still don’t know where there is, or how to deal with my mother, let alone some ancient, unspeakable evil.  So, we’re still utterly screwed.

Laura: But there’s a ritual, right?  So, maybe we just need to stop them from taking any more girls until, what did Will say?, the new moon.  We just have to last until Friday.  Which is also when my Lit paper is due.

Carmilla: Well, hey!  If we get sucked into an underground evil, your deadline will be moved.

Laura: Thanks.  (To LaFontaine) Hey, I gotta say, all things considered, you’re taking this really well.

LaFontaine: Yeah.  It really doesn’t seem to be that scary.  That’s probably a bad sign, right?

Perry: Oh, no.  No, no, no, no.  You, you ... you can’t be going yet. (to Laura and Carmilla) The others?  They didn’t go this fast.

LaFontaine: Maybe it’s cause the ritual’s so close.  That might amp the little wormy dudes in my brain right up.  (Gasps)  Snacks!

LaFontaine grabs a brownie

Carmilla: That won’t be distracting.

Perry: Um, it’s okay.  I’ll ... I’ll stay with her and make sure she’s okay.  She’s my best friend.  Okay, come on honey, let’s go (Perry leads LaFontaine out of the room)  We’ll, uh, we’ll find you some place to go dancing.

Back to previous episode

The next morning.  Perry’s in front of the computer, a spray bottle in front of her.  Laura’s sleeping in Carmilla’s bed.  Laura’s bed is made.

Perry: Good morning, Laura’s viewers.  So, some of you are probably aware, um, that my best friend has, um .... been kidnapped and um there’s really absolutely nothing that any of can do about it.  But, instead of sitting around and panicking, I decided to make myself useful.  There’s a lot to clean.  So, that’s done.  (pause)  Oh.  I should go check on the brownies.

Perry leaves.  We can see Carmilla asleep on the floor.

Later.  Perry’s sitting on Laura’s bed with a plate of brownies.  Laura wakes up suddenly

Perry: Good morning, Laura.

Laura: It’s 6 AM.

Perry: I know.  But, I ran out of things to clean, so I thought it was time we have a little talk.  Brownie?

Laura: Uh, thanks.  Sorry, I keep dreaming there’s this giant cat thing sleeping on the floor.

Perry: Oh, that’s probably just Carmilla.  (wakes Carmilla up)  Carmilla, Carmilla.

Carmilla: Ugh.  What?

Perry: Want a brownie?

Carmilla: Seriously?  I was just getting to sleep.  Did you vacuum around me?

Perry: Okay.  So now that you’re both awake, I think it’s time that we had a floor meeting.

Carmilla: So, we’re in hell now.

Laura: Seems so.  Brownies are good.

Perry: The two of you can be flip all you like, but the fact remains that LaFontaine is missing, and we need to start doing something about it right now.  So, first, I think we need to put this thing on some sort of delay, so that we aren’t just giving ourselves away if something evil is watching.  Second, are we calling the police?  Possibly hiring a private investigator?  Mercenaries?  Bloodthirsty killers for hire?  We can do that, right?

Laura: We went over all this with Betty.  The police won’t come unless campus security calls them, and no private investigator will even set foot on this campus, which, really is an indication, and I don’t even know ho you go about finding mercenaries.  But, we’ll hit the book.  There’s supposed to be something in there.  In the meantime, I think I saw some mold behind the toilets, you could ...

Perry: Okay.  (sets brownies down and takes cleaning supplies into bathroom)

Carmilla: And now for our daring daylight escape?

Laura: And now for hitting the book.  She might be traumatized, but she isn’t wrong.

Montage of Laura and Carmilla looking through the book while Perry cleans.  Carmilla’s drinking blood

Perry bumps into Carmilla, causing her to spill some of the blood onto the book

Carmilla: Oh, goddamnit!

Perry: Oh, I’m sorry!  I-I-I didn’t mean to -

Laura: Is that new stuff appearing on the book because you spilt blood on it?  Right, of course it is.

Carmilla: It’s an entry from something called Lophiiformes, the light that devours.  An ancient evil that demands ... I’m not sure about the symbol there ... five, shocker, virgins every twenty years.  Uh, once victims are marked, their world narrows to celebration.

Laura: It likes party girls.  That’s it!  That’s our thing!   So, how do we stop it?

Carmilla: Uh, “old as the oceans’ depths, the light that betrays all, blah blah blah blah, draws the devoured to it and consumes ... their minds, which increases the light and draws in more of the devoured.”

Laura: So, it’s absorbing their minds and using the energy to draw more people in.  And if Ell is reaching out to us, then ...

Carmilla: They’re conscious in there.

Laura: God, this just gets creepier and creepier.

LaFontaine: Word.

Laura, Perry, and Carmilla all jump in surprise, revealing that LaFontaine has appeared behind them

LaFontaine: Hey.  Why are we all freaking out?

Perry runs to LaFontaine, hugging them

Perry: Oh, you’re back!  You’re back! You’re alright.

LaFontaine: What do you mean I’m back?  I didn’t go anywhere.  Did I ... go somewhere?