things haven't gotten better since i last posted. they were for a bit in the summer and fall off and on, but they always go back to this. i finally got a legit mental health diagnosis and I'm not sure it was a good idea. just upset that it's caused by abuse, I could've been fucking normal. bpd, i suspected it, but are you fucking kidding me. having a psychiatrist look at you with sorrow while you list all of the things you've gone through and symptoms you have is just saddening. the things i mentioned that i didn't realise fully classified as abuse until talking about them to her. i need to leave

uhhhhhh, so shit has gotten really fucking hard. I sobbed my entire drive home last night, and I mean, the thoughts have been bad but never t h i s bad. was so tempted to just let go of the wheel. everything fucking sucks right now. my parents have become horrid. transphobic, ableist, just overall shitheadery. I'd rather be dead or live in a fucking bush than be here. they threatened to stop paying for my meds.... on my fucking birthday.... saying how I need to pay for my own stuff when I literally can't afford my $100+ med bill per month, one med I literally cannot live without. struggling to find work too because of this whole pandemic, which is just delaying the process of me leaving this place forever. I'm either hiding in my room, drowning myself in endless video games and job searching, or taking shelter at my siblings. this isn't a life I want to live. I just want to leave, whether that be by death or going off grid and making the forest into my home, scrambling through the brush, full nude