💕🌸🌺🪱

So some reminders to myself:

If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Baby just let it be.

El me dice que no le importa estar con una superestrella

I need someone to hold me close, deeper than I’ve ever known. Whose love feels like a rodeo, knows just how to take control. When I’m vulnerable he’s straight talking to my soul. Conversations overload, got me feeling vertigo. Cause training season’s over.

You’re looking like an angel in the walls of Versailles. Most alive I’ve ever been, but kiss me and I might drop dead.

In a couple months a man will be procured, he will be evolved, and I will be adored, adored, adored, adored, adored.

They don’t make it like me no more, maybe once in a blue moon.

I get everything I want cause I attract it

But when we went out to celebrate after my graduation, even though he was sitting right next to me, I couldn’t stop caring and looking at her. With disgust, with anger, with pain. She calls me hollow, yet she texts me she misses me. She tells me all my beliefs are wrong, judges me for not choosing the same religious path as her. But she’s a hypocrite, a big one.

I don’t want to see her face ever again. I don’t want to be her friend anymore. But at the same time, I want things to go back to the way they were before. But there is no going back, not after everything that happened.

I miss her so much, but when I think of her, anger builds in me. And sometimes, even though it’s hard to admit, hunger.

Last year she gave me an old shirt of hers sprinkled with her perfume in case I miss her. “She’s so full of herself” I thought then. But today, while holding it and smelling it in hopes of remembering better times, I was overcome with lust. And I hated it so much.

I broke up with my best friend. Something in me told me to do so, and that it was for the better, but it still hurt as hell. In some ways, it felt more heart wrenching than the break up with my ex boyfriend. Next time I have a close female friendship, I need to make sure not to pass the “homoerotic and codependent” invisible line. To remind myself that it’s not that normal to hold each other in bed at night while we whisper how pretty the other is, that it’s not healthy to feel envy, disdain and even lust for your best friend. At least now we don’t live together anymore, so having space has been easier, but it still hurts so fucking much, specially knowing she wants to hurt me just for the sake of it.

To get over her, I booked a 2 day trip with my uni best friend. And then the war started, and 2 days turned into 2 weeks stranded in Europe. After some adventures and short lived travel love stories, I finally decided to go home till the world calms down, to the place where I grew up, where my parents still live, where I’m still running away from things so many years later.

And now I think that if I think about someone they will appear. I saw that too back at home the past few months, but now it’s been easier to see as I’m asking myself: “what are the chances?”. 8 years ago I met a guy at a music festival, and “dated” for a while as long as dating gets for a prude 17 year old. So this week before going to the same festival I thought of him, and a couple of hours later he appeared, still remembering my name after all this time.

And yesterday I almost fainted in my bed when I saw the instagram story showing her, the girl that started this whole journey, in the same city as me for the first time in years. I’m beginning to think that my thoughts have way more power than what people think.

Asides from that, I’m still getting constant calls from my ex, but after his last attack I don’t think I’ll ever look at him with the same eyes. I never saw him so aggressive before. He doesn’t deserve my fucking time if the only thing he know how to do is hate on the people I love, if he still thinks he can hold so much power over me, if the thinks I’m the innocent girl that will always wait for him and love him anyways while he fucks with half the women in the country. If he went so feral over me going into a bar crawl alone 2 years after breaking up, who know what he can do next.

Everything goes both ways. If you want it you’ll have it. Everything is connected, everything in this life has a purpose. Words and thoughts make reality happen. The universe conspires in your favour. The same hands that created you, drew the universe. The universe was made just to be seen by my eyes. You name, it’s true.

I got the job I wanted, I finished the degree I wanted with the grades I wanted. God loves me, and wants me to be happy. I just need to create that reality, and be grateful for what I’m offered. If I’m here for such a short time, why not live fully.

And tomorrow I’ll finally live one of my biggest dreams and travel, in hopes of meeting new horizons, new people.

Then I’ll come back, and after two days I’ll go home to my family for a couple of months.

I can’t believe this is all over.

So much happened this past year, it feels as if I lived a whole lifetime in less than 12 months.

Summer lab and lab crush. Being home for the festivities. Starting my last year. Becoming friends with all the people I don’t picture my life without now. Starting to work on a lab. Good grades. Trips to Europe. Courses I finally enjoyed taking. Some romances (not exactly but still). Some heartbreak (and same old ex with his antics). New crushes, homoerotic friendships, one nights stands. Getting my dream job. Sleepless nights laughing with my best friend/ roomate. My other best friend getting married and having a baby. Wild parties. Sleepovers with my friends. Turning 25 surrounded by the people I love, no stress, no fear of judgment, just being myself.

And tomorrow I’ll travel.

Again.

I’m so fucking tired. Of sleepless nights praying a missile doesn’t hit my house. Of windows and doors that are not good enough for a bomb shelter and will collapse on me given the opportunity. Of childish roommates that will cry if I tell them to take their dirty feet off the dining table. Of parents that care more about my “pride” if people see me backpacking alone in Europe, than the actual and real possibility of me dying in one of the many attacks. Of hiding part of my identity in the internet because I don’t have the mental capacity to face the backlash of coming from where I am. Of constantly wondering if this will be my last day.

I can’t believe that little more than a week ago, my only problem was the undeniable feeling of fire traveling my body every time that insufferable girl slightly touched me in class, every time she fixed her eyes on me and took them away when I looked at her after an awkward stare and silence. Every time she played with her hair while she looked at me with the corner of her eyes and thought I wouldn’t notice. It was infuriating. It was electric. What would happen if there and then, in the middle of class, without any care of the other people in the room, of our mutual friend staring incredulously, of her absent boyfriend barely mentioned in most conversations, i took her head with a hand in her face and the other traveling across her hair, and kissed her hard, mouth open, let her do what I always felt she wanted to.

I still can’t believe it. If you would have told me 3 years ago that I would be finishing my degree on time, with reasonable enough grades, actually enjoying what I’m studying and having friends, I wouldn’t have believed it.

But here I am, once again, trying to figure out what I want to do with my future, and worrying. The fact that the end is so near, might be satisfactory, but it’s also deeply worrying. Do I want to continue to a masters? Do I want to travel the world for a few months? Do I want to start teaching to get the licensing for my teaching certificate? Do I want to start working in labs as it brings the most money? Do I want to go into the field of ecology, that I like way more, but get paid almost nothing? Should I stay with my family for a while and use this time to get closer to my parents before it’s too late?

I only have a couple months left to figure things out.

Being in Europe for two weeks before the start of the semester was amazing. At the end, I started getting frustrated with the friend I travelled with, as I felt she was getting too toxic, but things got better once we got some time apart. I hate when people give me the “hot and cold” treatment. Sometimes too nice, sometimes completely ignoring me. I know it’s her personality, and the way she was raised, but i was starting to feel less like her friend and more like her fucking boyfriend and it was annoying. Now I understand why my ex was so angry when I screamed at him for not answering my calls or getting jealous if he went out with friends. But yeah the big word being “ex”, I’m too old to have codependent relationships with my female friends.

Next week I travel again, this time alone. I missed doing that so much, I hope I have fun (and maybe just maybe finally get the courage to go to a gay bar or something, yeah, even after 2 weeks consequence free in Europe I chickened out and didn’t go to one)

My relationships with my fiends at uni stayed constant. I’m starting to get along better with the homophobe, I still feel her staring at me most of the time, but maybe it’s just out of curiosity and nothing else. We are not at odds anymore, just mildly inconvenienced by the other, and I think that’s fine.

This week has been so weird, without constant routine, I fall behind. I worked a lot, so at least I made some money.

So I passed biostatistics. Barely. Again. I’m thinking about shortening my trip by a day to take the moed bet, and try to get a better grade. But I feel awful letting my friend travel on her own without me. It feels like shit. I hope she can forgive me.

It’s been so long since I kept a secret, and it’s haunting me. I hooked up with one of my closest friends ex. I don’t even like him. So why tf did I do it. I don’t know, I just felt like it. The sexual tension had been so strong the last few months. But did I get anything good by finally having the courage to ask him to kiss me? No. Like… it wasn’t bad, but I didn’t feel fireworks. I’m not attracted to him, I don’t have a crush on him, u was just so desperate to feel alive. Now I have to keep this secret from most of my friends, especially my roomate, thank God she is so self absorbed, she didn’t even notice I’ve been acting weird.

The thing is the thoughts have started again. I don’t want to be a fucking lesbian. I’m trying so hard not to. But i noticed the only reason I interact with men, is to impress or just to have my girls friends think I’m normal like them. I laughed at my friends for being “pick me girls”, when I’m just the fucking same but with wanting women’s attention. Mommy issues can screw your whole lifetime. Should I go to therapy to fix them? Will the insufferable longing for women stop if I do?

It’s just so hard. I bet straight girls have it so much easier. They don’t need to stop and try to understand if their newest fixation is lust, envy, love, or just a strong desire for friendship and connection.

But honestly sorting my feelings has been a bit easier lately. If I actually like a girls personality, it is most probably not lust. It’s so fucking toxic, I only fantasise about girls that are either a bit mean to me, or I just don’t like their worldview that much.

There’s this girl at college. Most days I can’t stand her. But when I’m alone at night, she seems to enjoy appearing in my thoughts, and specially, in my dreams. She cheats on her boyfriend with me, but for her, “it doesn’t count”. There is always pinning down. Against the walls, the elevator floor. Is it too crazy to think she might feel the same, think the same, when no one is watching?

My Roomate always says that everything in life is two-sided in a way. And I believe her.

Just before we hooked up, while studying together, my friend asked me: “have you been feeling this too?”, his hands gesturing circles in the air. Of course I have. Everything in life is two sided.

That doesn’t mean some of my worst crushes felt the same as me. But I bet they felt *something*, no matter how small it was.

And here i am writing this shit instead of studying. I am always thinking about my feelings instead of studying. I remember in the summer lab days, i didn’t understand a single word that came out of tal’s mouth. I was too busy feeling the fireworks all over my body when she decided to stand right beside me, her shoulder and forearm lightly touching mine. It felt like an electric shock, like the one I accidentally got last week when charging my new vibrator. That’s my main problem in life, I prioritise feelings above anything else, including thoughts and being rational, and yet, I don’t do anything about it. Everything that I feel stay with me. I wish I could be as easy going with girls as I am with boys: if I took lab crush and just casually pinned her down against the labs bathroom wall like in my fantasies, would she kiss me back? I would never do it anyway, it’s creepy af and probably considered sexual assault. But with boys when I lean in, most chances they will close the gap themselves for the kiss. They are just easier beings.

sometimes I want to express love and appreciation for the girls in my life and I don’t know how. I’m also scared they think I’m interested in them romantically. That’s the shittiest thing about being bi, being scared people think you like them when you don’t and get weirded out.

Anyways, next week a friend I made this semester and I appreciate so fucking much has the most important exam of her life. And I want to help her feel less overwhelmed, but I don’t have any idea how. So I bought her chocolate. But she is not coming to campus, and I need to send it with her friend. The one who hates me for no reason. Or maybe she has one. But I need to convince her to take it to her and it’s so tiring.

Next week I finally travel, it’s been so long since I’ve done it for fun.

In a way things have got better.

I’m not alone most times anymore. I live with my best friend. I have friends at uni. I actually enjoy waking up each morning to go to school, and learn new things that interest me.

The random yearning for random people comes and goes. I don’t fuck my ex anymore. I’m not searching for validation in dating apps. I’m not having excruciatingly painful lab crushes on girls that probably don’t even like girls. Sometimes I do feel big stuff, like today at the exam when the TA leaned over me to help me with a question. She smelled of vanilla, and her soft brown eyes, cheeky smile, and poofy hair reminded me so much of her, the one that started it all, the one true limerance.

But with a new reality, new problems arise. The impostor syndrome is bigger than ever. My fiends are so smart. It seems like everyone has their shit together. Bright minds, bright futures.

And I feel stupid, and I feel stuck.

I try so hard, and fail, and fail again. And it hurts so much, because it’s not like I don’t care. I do, I spend weeks studying non stop. I come to all the classes. I take notes. This year, I even sometimes ask questions to the teachers. I try to do the homework alone. I go to study groups with friends and go over last years exams. And still nothing works.

Why can’t I be more like them?

This year, I started feeling something that’s not been there since high school. Envy. It was so strange, that at first I confused it with love. It is similar in a way. But no, I don’t want to kiss this girls. I want to BE them. And it feels awful. Because I try so hard to love myself as I am, but it’s so hard.

Im stupid, and autistic, And gay af, and I hate all of them. But I feel like I don’t have another choice.

Sometimes, at my low points, like today, I wonder how he’s doing. Today, his sister posted a few pictures with him. And I don’t know why, but he seemed sad. He seemed lost. Maybe it’s just my imagination, but I know him so well. His eyes always speak his mind. And I ask myself, if we tried again, would it be different this time. He’s the only man I’ve ever loved. Maybe it’s just the social pressure. All my friends are either getting married, or seriously thinking about it. But for me, men just seem so meh. Except him. But we are so bad for each other. And so good. But we don’t belong together, at least, I don’t think so.

I hope I don’t fail advanced biostatistics. I hope I finish this fucking degree with a decent average. I hope I stop feeling ashamed for never being good enough, and smart enough.

I hope my friend passes her medicine exam, and more importantly, finds her true purpose in life. I hope my roomate marries the man of her dreams, and learns to actually become what she is trying to be. I hope my best friend decides to go for an easier career, and won’t get her hearth broken by aiming too high. I hope my Brazilian friend gets more stable, and my high school one starts getting better. I hope my first ex forgives me, and I I hope she’s living the best life she can have. I hope he is enjoying finally being able to live with his siblings, he loves them so much.

Why did I sign up for that stupid lab for the whole summer. I’m the worst there all the people and teachers think I’m stupid.i wanted to gain some experience but instead I can only see how bad I am at this.

Why does my ex keep calling me, why can’t he understand that I want to move on. Come on, it’s been 9 months.

The dates have been terrible. The “casi algos” have been terrible. I fucked a guy just because and it was terrible. I’m making myself go to date after date, mostly with guys, to convince myself I can do it. I can’t be a lesbian, my dad already told me he would kill himself if I was. I don’t want him dead and it being my fault. But that’s okay because girls don’t like me. I just have to find the one guy I am attracted to that is not my ex. I’m done with him day.

So I’m watching this stupid series and drinking wine and crying my ass off remembering the past, fearing the future, and trying to get away from my present.

But at least the girls kissed. I wish it would have been me with my מ״מ when I was a makit on stupid magal. She was amazing, I wish I will see her again someday. Last thing I heard from her she is starting to study in the south next year.

I wish I had the courage to do what I’ve been longing to do for so long now, live my life freely and love whoever I want.

I could be in Thailand or exploring Europe, kissing girls every night or finding a girl to kiss for the rest of my life. Instead, I study, wait and pray, talk to my parents everyday, be the good girl I’ve always been and try to ignore the black mirror episode that my life has become.

But seriously… wtf is life at this moment.

My best friend turned religious and is now marrying a guy after eight months.

My ultra bisexual ex roomate is now homophobic? She got into “that” type of podcasts.

My fucking country is at war.

I ended a five year relationship that I was sure would end up in marriage. He still calls me everyday and doesn’t understand why I can’t be friends with benefits with him.

I think I convinced myself I liked some girl to distract myself from the academic failure I’m being. She’s brilliant she’s my friend and is also currently a mess. She slept with a guy for weed some days ago and might be battling addictions eating disorders and more. She is so smart I don’t understand why can’t she think logically.

Tomorrow I have my first date in I think my whole life. My relationships have always been organic. How do I do this shit.

I’m listening to Olivia Rodrigo and morat and reverting to my fifteen year old self when I’m alone. Hence the tumblr.

I started rewatching carmilla. It’s genius and I’m so frustrated that I’m a fully grown adult now and can’t talk about that type of things with my friends.

My ex thought me liking “childish” things was embarrassing so I stopped with the fandoms altogether. I feel ashamed and like a fucking teenager when scrolling posts about she ra, carmilla or total drama.

None of my crushes have shared many characteristics, and it seems that everyone I like is completely different in so many ways. Some of the personalities i fell for include:

- my boyfriend, who is a man who cares a little too much about everything and is constantly worried about something. He can’t get out of his house without handcream for sensible skin but is somehow a paramedic who worked through terrible conditions just to save lives. He also dresses way better than me and won’t eat stuff if it’s not healthy. He never has a plan but things always go right for him.

- my exgirlfriend, who is afraid of nothing and parkours through buidings, escapes from the law and just loves to risk her life, but will do anything to help other people and people in need, and volunteers in several organizations to do so. She really likes swords and cats.

- my summer crush, who is a med student and ballet teacher, works a full time job and somehow still finds time to run a youth movement.

- my first love and one of my best friends (that I accidentaly fell in love with even tough she’s straight oops), that is a maximum overachiever with a big love for parties and boys. She loves to ride horses and play sports and is overall super atletic and energetic. No one dances and drinks better than her at parties and she has the power to seduce any man she likes and then break their hearts.

- my friend who i firmly believe is a witch. She has witchcraft books and a big passion for astronomy. She studies alternative medicine and has cured more people from simple stuff that the doctors in my town. She has been attacked by crows several times, I think they want something she is trying to hide...

- my childhood crush, a boy with a big heart but a small brain. He is an amazing human being but learned to tie his shoes at age 16 and liked to eat cat food. I hope he is doing ok.

-my roomate, who is fluent in 5 lenguages, really good at math and has a serious superiority complex. She strongly believes that she is better than anyone and can be quite narcissistic at times. I only liked her for about two weeks but I think it still counts. If you want to know more about her read the post I wrote a couple of weeks ago.

- another summer crush from when I was younger, a shy mechanic that studied in one of the best schools in his town. My mom gave him money to take me to a date because she was afraid of me showing little to no interest in boys (cue the falling in love with my girl best friend). He ended up dating one of my friends instead.

- she says she doesn’t know what to study in university because she will be the best at anything she tries

- she says she only takes showers to look at herself naked in the mirror

- she feels bad for other people cause she thinks she will always out do them in life

- she accepted a date for valentines only because she wanted chocolates. The man paid for the whole meal at a fancy restaurant, but she got incredibly mad and eventually blocked him on all social media because he didn’t bring chocolates

- the only social media she ever checks is Tinder, and her favorite hobby is to look pretty for man and woman to chase her

- she likes to date people that are not in university because she likes to be smarter than them

- while being high she texted our university dorm director to ask for a couples apartment for us, and now we are fake dating cause she wanted to live in a better appartment without paying extra

- her favorite hobby is sex store shopping

- she bought an extra mirror for her room to look at herself on different angles

And many, many more.