people really donβt exaggerate when they talk about βthat one middle school situationship that scars you for lifeβ
jesus fuck i feel horrible at myself, not to mention our yearning holder. i feel like im cheating on my current partner too, i feel disgusted.
the thought of going back to codependency or even just any similarities with him sends me into fight or flight so bad. those times were genuinely one of my bests and lowest points of all time simultaneously. itβs not that im against feeling that rush again, id love it in fact especially with my partner sys. its the fact that it could be with HIM of all people that scares me. not saying its possible, we absolutely refuse ourselves to. even if theres a SLIGHTTT maybe we immediately repress it and shut the whole thing down.
the reason ut hurted so bad for us was because we knew it was only temporary. Like we simply just couldnβt. Not we as in our system, we as in both him and I. Both of us were fully aware and we honestly couldnβt do anything about it either. because it was a matter of choosing something weβd both want but forever temporary or something we could only tolerate but at least permanent/as long as possible. God imagine being understimulated your whole life, deattached, being given only the bare minimum, living like no one else is at your level, that no one understands you, then finally meeting someone who breaks all of that for the first time within barely a year. someone who proves it, who actively shows it, who genuinely has showed you how to feel loved and seen, made you feel so god awfully special in the most genuine way, and truly notices you and every little thing for once jn your life. Imagine that shit and then realizing you can never get anywhere past best friends.
Because we understand each other so well, we relied on each other to unhealthy degrees. we kept latching onto each other and despite it seeming like βhahah weβre THE duo of all time lol!!β to everybody else even teachers, itβs genuinely so ass. and since weβre so alike, little to communication ever occurred to us because of our fuck ass βi need to ____ to protect them and Iβ. And maybe we werenβt aware of what truly went in each otherβs heads, we still could for sure understand each otherβs flaws. Especially with this guyβs mental illness. And yet i volunteered and actively looked out, because i wanted to keep what kept me chasing to live. The guy had such severe commitment issues too and i had severe abandonment issues so i know damn well if we slapped a title like dating onto ourselves we wouldβve never be kept each other around for as long as now. WE LITERALLY HAD MULTIPLE CONVERSATIONS W EACH OTHER ABT THIS ON THIS EXACT YEAR. WE BOTH AGREED IF ONE OF US CAUGHT FEELINGS OR WHATEVER THE FUCK FP SHIT AGAIN ONE OF US IS KILLING THEMSELF. ME INCLUDED. WE BOTH HATED THAT TIME OF VULNERABILITY. genuinely rven this rant wasnt enough to elaborate how complex and horrible it felt broππππ when twin is so close yet so far so u gotta do the exact shit to twin too and then cycle for two years straight. MAN HE KNOWS MY BREATHING PATTERN I WILL NEVER GET OVER THAT YOU HAVE GOT TO WATCH ME CLOSE ENOUGH FOR THAT LONG TO KNOW.
βi donβt wanna latch onto you after schoolβππππππππππ sounds familiar doesnt it.
βi wanna have you stay until the end of high schoolβ ππππππππππππ youre drunk go rest please i cant hear this anymoreπ
death penalty to me please
i swear on everything ive moved on and am able to function normally even when mentioned about middle school. just as long as he doesnt show up drunk or high or on something talking about vulnerability and what he wants with me. again.
ya guys i still feel sick ngl!!!! lowkey he also fucked up my perspective on love (platonic and romantic wise) too icl sighs
