The Captain's Log

Can we still be friends?

It doesn’t have to end

I’m not kidding when I say I laughed out loud just imaging Dick awkwardly side shuffling past one of his family members while sucking in his stomach saying “exsQUEEEEEEze me” and then he just carries on with his normal day to day life. He’s just THAT extra.

Bruce and Alfred are completely immune to it. Alfred just kind of steps aside and let’s Dick so his thing, mildly amused, but Bruce just kind of pretends it’s not happening. Carries on disassociating. They’ve dealt with Dick for too long to give a crap about the shit Dick does on a daily basis. Bruce has five kids and all of them have their quirks.

It drives Jason completely insane. The more time that Jason spends around the manor, the more it happens, and the more pissed Jason gets. Dick finds it funny and he’s pledged to never stop.

It doesn’t really happen to Cass, and Tim’s usually too sleep-deprived to do anything about it. But Damian HATES it. I mean, it probably happened so many times during Dick’s and Damian’s partnership that Damian learned to live with it, but he grew up believing that you asked someone to move or you MAKE them move. And Dick just kind of slides on by. It infuriates Damian.

Bruce: Why?

–

Bruce: Jason you are in so much trouble–

Jason: I GUESS YOUR KNICKERS ARE IN A KNOT!

—-

Tim: I know you stole my coffee, you egg-suckin’ dawg!

Bruce: *sighs* Not you too…

–

Dick: Gosh golly, YOU KNOW SOMETIMES BRUCE REALLY GETS MY GOOSE

Damian: Grayson NO

–

Jason: *waving gun around* Oh no demon spawn! I have a Rooty Tooty Point ‘n Shooty!

Damian: *crying internally* TODD, THAT’S NOT EVEN A PROFANITY

–

Jason: I’m gonna tan your hide!

Riddler: Wait what?

Jason: You don’t watch out, I’m gonna cream yo’ corn!

Riddler: Wait does that mean you’re going to kick my ass??? Wat???

Jason: *roundhouse kicks him* Yes.

–

Jason: Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

Bruce: FUCK IT, JUST CURSE. I DON’T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE JUST STOP FUCKING TALKING LIKE THAT PLEASE GUYS. YOU ARE KILLING YOUR FATHER

stephanie still won’t keep to the meal plan he’s laid out for the batkids and unlike the others, who at least cheat in private, she takes great pride in bringing in a box of krispy kreme doughnuts and stuffing her face right in front of him 

cass hears bruce’s orders to stop watching cutthroat kitchen on the batcomputer but just does a face and turns straight back around and plays the rest of the episode 

tim ‘i’ve told you to tidy your bedroom eight times now I’LL DO IT LATER GOD’ drake 

dick and his habit of hanging from the rafters despite bruce’s insistence that they’re old and antiques and he shouldn’t do it, dick just ‘alot of stuff in his house is old and it’s still standing’ whilst giving bruce a too pointed look 

jason and …….. well anything

Bruce: *internal screaming* and Adoption Papers

Alfred: The Sassy Eyebrow Raise™

Dick: Puns n’ Secret Sadness

Jason: yeET

Tim: Near Death Coffee Experience

Damian: Veggie Burgers and Massacre

Barbra: Under the Glasses Nose Pinch

Stephanie: 107% DONE

Cass: Doesn’t Deserve This Shit

Duke: *panicked screaming*

Harper: Really Really Loud Sighing

You can’t tell me that Bruce Wayne wouldn’t go home and find his children asleep and safe and warm, or go home and call them as soon as he gets out of his suit. You can’t tell me that he wouldn’t wake them up or call them over the phone at three in the morning just to hear their voice, just to make sure that they’re okay. You can’t tell me that he wouldn’t run a hand through their hair, squeeze their shoulder, touch their arm just to make sure that he’s not dreaming, that they’re really there.

You can’t tell me that Bruce Wayne wouldn’t see those murdered children and teenagers and young adults and panic, because what if he was too late again? what if he failed them all over again, what if he couldn’t make it to save them when that was the only promise he ever made them?

it would be a fucking mess. Picture them, crammed into the back of some luxury minivan Bruce picked up:

Damian, cranky, in the backseat. “I don’t understand why we have to consume processed fats, it’s horrendously unhealthy.”

Tim: “Your face is horrendously unhealthy. Also, Bruce, can I get like, three frappes?”

Dick: “Can I have a happy meal?”

Jason: “You’re literally 25. Why the hell do you want a kid’s meal?”

Dick: “Some of us want to remember our childhoods–oh. Oh, Jay, I didn’t mea–”

Jason: “No, no, no. Continue. You were gonna say some of us want to remember our childhoods, right? Well mine was cut short on account of me dying–”

Tim: “Damian, give it back!”

Damian: “It’s a pen, what use do you have for it?”

Tim: “It’s not a pen, it’s a laser box cutter!”

Stephanie: “When did you have time to make a laser box cutter?”

Tim: “Last night–”

Stephanie: “You told me you went to bed.”

Tim: “I did say that, didn’t I?”

Cassandra: “I would like apple slices, please.”

Bruce: *turns to Alfred with wide eyes* 

Okie dokie here is Shelly’s post about Dick swearing, and here is a Jason comparison. So I’m gonna limit myself to the younger three Robins.

Bear in mind that this isn’t even close to a complete list– it’s mostly pulls from the series that I’ve recently reread (Red Robin, Batgirl (2009), both Batman and Robins, Batman Eternal) plus whatever panels I already had on file. Here we go!

Alrighty so I find that pretty much every member of the batfamily uses “damn” and “hell” often. Here’s Tim with 

assorted hells

couple damns

And my personal favorite: “I am so screwed,” when he realized Ra’s was watching him.

I also noticed that Tim is more likely than the others to use fake swears like these

Freaking, darn, and nuts. All in all? Pretty lowkey. Steph on the other hand:

Lots of variations on ass

One bitch and a few damns

Two screwed, couple hells

And a single fuck. Interestingly enough, Steph might have the highest swear rate. I stopped screenshotting after a while because there were so many.

Also:

Lots and lots of craps.

And Damian varies a ton by writer. In his very earliest appearance you get

(Side note: Alfred’s response to that is something like “ah, memory lane” while he glares at Bruce, so I’m guessing Bruce was a mouthy kid too)

Weirdly enough I couldn’t find a single Damian swear in the first section of the preboot B&R series. But as soon as it switches over to Tomasi, we’re back in business.

Lots of hells, three asses

Couple damns and two bastards. 

“Batman, I am a trained psychiatrist, and I’ll have you know that you are screwing them up like seriously how dare you??”

“Riddle me this! You know who I saw today? Nightwing! IMAGINE THAT.”

“Looks like I’m not the only no-good, two-faced, double-crossing, secret-keeping bastard around here after all!”