The Mind Is A Continuous Place

You know the love story. The enemies to lovers. The guy and the girl that immediately are infatuated. Drawn to one another. Not a stalkerish or creepy way just two souls that immediately connect. The movies had to be written off of something. Or is it truly just a fantasy of what we want love to be. Obviously it’s not an easy feeling. It’s human nature to fuck up. Besides easy would be boring. Yet again the hurt a love like that could bring is also quite scary.

There is a rollercoaster in my head. One week I am ready to take on the world and achieve anything I put my mind to. The following two weeks everything comes crashing down. All the stress, anxiety and self loathing consumes me to the point where I just want to sleep. I want to get lost in my tv shows. Throw everything I have been working toward aside because it all seems so unachievable. I need to just start the process to get help. To get the negative voices in my head under control. Accept the fact that I can no longer work through the low periods on my own in an efficient manner. I am doing myself no good by continuing to allow this pattern in my life.

On a constant bases my life rolls on highs and lows. My definition of highs is getting caught in an endless loop of something that’s bothering me in a positive or negative way. I am loud, I am boisterous and some may say obnoxious. The people around me do not understand I have to process my highs. I have to. They look at me like I am crazy. Like I am high strung which is generally taken in a negative way. They make comments that I am too emotional. Too expressive. The list can go on for miles. Having to apologize all the time or explain myself for potentially making people feel uncomfortable or saying something that is misconstrued IS TIRESOME. Those highs when they pass almost immediately go into a low. The low consists of disconnection from emotions, overly calm, lack of reaction to almost anything. I have to claw my way out of those as well. People around me then believe something to be wrong with me. Sometimes my quietness is not meaning that something is wrong. Sometimes it means I have just come to accept an outcome to a situation. People will poke and prod to bring out reactions during that time because they believe it to be funny. Having to try and control my emotions on a continuous bases is TIRESOME. I am tired. I just want to be me. I want to be who am without having to explain every response or reaction. In conclusion it’s just better to be alone sometimes. Push people out for a few days. Spend time with me. Remember there is nothing wrong with who I am.

Listened to a song and sank into the story it told.

Watched a TV show in binge mode with the wonderful happy endings and yearned for it to be your reality.

Seen the love, the pain, the disparity in a friends eyes for their toxic partner and wished it was going to be all okay for them. That their partner could just be that amazing being that your friend saw blindly

Hoped and believed for a larger purpose.

Felt like you didn’t really know who you are.

Only had favorite genres of music, lifestyle, colors etc. in the moment of life you are experiencing so people judge you for being a poser. When really you are just that versatile.

Constantly did things for people, think of other people but no one ever thinks of you.....

I am ready to move on. People at work are going crazy. Things need to get fixed at the house in order for me to rent it out. My brother still doesn’t have anything good going for him and I worry everyday. Why has life created such a string of bad luck for him; I wonder everyday. My two closest and bestest friends HATE each other. In 3 days it will be three months since my sister left this earth. I have a roommate, not a bad roommate but; I want my house to myself again. My body confidence is currently in the drain. Last but not least; I am surrounded by idiots.

So with all that being said I’m working towards positive thinking again. If I don’t then I will keep digging a darker hole and keep leading a non productive life. With every negative there is a lesson. Time to finish all those projects, to go on those adventures that I planned, to get my mind right.

On May 24th I got a phone call at 10:45pm. It’s my aunt and she never calls this late. I am groggy and had just laid my head down to go to bed. I answered with “is everything ok?” She is uncontrollably crying and really trying not to be frantic. My 19year old sister has killed herself......

It’s so fresh and early; the cops are still at her house processesing the scene. She is still hanging from a karate belt that she used. Her ex boyfriend is on the front lawn in a haze. The cops handcuffed him immediately to ensure there was no malicious intent. Her ex boyfriend is the one that found her. (They recently broke up 4 days prior) He came into the house like a normal day of getting of work. Goes into his room and changes, goes to his computer and notices the garage door is open. He thinks my sister is playing a prank on him. He grabs her legs which are already stiff and cold to the touch. Realization over comes him and he tries to get her down but he cannot. He runs outside and calls the cops.

My mom doesn’t go to her house. She is alone. My mom lives 5 minutes up the road from my sisters house. All I could think is she is alone. She is not taken down until about midnight. I am going through a roller coaster of denial as I am hundreds of miles away.

It has been estimated she committed suicide at about 5pm. She messaged me like a normal message at 4:30pm. My baby sister is gone and she was alone. I cannot fathom how low she got to get to this point and if I could hit a redo for this year I would 💔

I went to visit my family recently. I love my family don’t get me wrong but I have not seen them in 2 years. I am not mentally or physically accustomed to their energies, their mannerisms, their obnoxiousness anymore. Over time relations with specific family members have drifted and worsened in ways. My mom and I have not had a good relationship in a very long time. My sister and I have never been very close. She didn’t grow up like my brother and I. Then there is the rest of my family who are just a big ole bowl of crazy. Needless to say after spending just 2 days with a portion of my family my anxiety never rested. I never felt comfortable and I felt Unlike myself. Judging them for their public mannerless actions which then made me feel bad. Once I got back to my dads house I had a dream; nay a night mare. I had sleep peralysis and a night terror all in one. My family talking over each other. Me slowly loosing control over my own body. Going limp, trying to speak, trying to tell them something was wrong with me. They couldn’t hear me, they were looking past me and eventually i could feel myself trying to throw myself out of this dream. I felt my dog jump off the bed. I felt my body hit the bed and sparks like when your foot fall asleep consumed me. I tried opening my eyes and I couldn’t. When I finally got a slit open I saw a figure which looked like my uncle standing in the room. I knew he wasn’t there but it took what felt like a life time to come to. For the first time since I was a small child I called my father for just some comfort so I could quiet this horrific experience.

I am doing absolutely nothing for Christmas. However I do hope the best for everyone else. I hope your Christmas Eve and Christmas Day have some sort of life and joy to it. I am content with my lack of holiday but some may not be. I honestly haven’t even thought much about Christmas itself and more about New Years. I take resolutions very seriously and I have atleast 4 already. My Christmas eve has consisted of the Gym (long needed) and some painting for a project I’m working on. Maybe I’ll watch some Christmas movies 🎥 🎄

It’s all in the title. Family doesn’t get together anymore now that the kids are grown up and not in the house. So I guess the kids held the holiday spirit alive. People don’t get together except with each other when they are married. Then you have those that will get together but pick and choose whom they would want to include. Being away from home and growing up the way I did it’s important for me to do things for the holidays that make others feel surrounded. Let’s be real though it’s not really a holiday feeling. Hasn’t been for 6+ years now. It’s important though to think of others and to set aside differences for that one day. Reach out to that single friend, reach out to that work place outcast, the black sheep of the family, and remember it’s ok if they don’t want to come. It’s the thoughts that count and maybe it’s was just the invitation that person needed.

I had the absolute worst holiday I have ever had. I tried to bring people together but, they all had plans. Some had plans that were group events and simply left me out. In order to help those that were working and those that also had the same done to them I cooked an entire feast to bring to work so they could still enjoy thier holiday. Not going to lie it was also to help my feelings as well. One of the cowworkers had planned a dinner prior to coming into work and invited everyone so by the time I dropped off food I realized only a couple people wanted any of it. It’s the thought that counts but, it is taking everything in me to not take it all personnaly.

One day I am going to wake up from this cycle of fuck ups. I’ll learn from my lessons and won’t completely trash the good things that come my way. I love drinking but it really is my kryptonite. I’ve never cheated but if I don’t pay attention I make the biggest fool of myself. In return the good thing I have going wants nothing more to do with me. Nothing more because now he sees I’m not this perfect little being. I will never be perfect but I guess there will always be a flaw someone is not willing to overlook. A flaw that’s the end all be all. Perfect little fairytale.....gone. I am stronger than this. I can move past this. It’s just going to be upsetting for a while; while my mind tries to wrap its self around where everything fell apart. Why it sabotaged everything.

I’m at a place in my life where I have it all. All except for a person to share it with. I live on my own, my fitness is staying at a continuous rise, I’m about to get a new fur baby, I own a brand new vehicle, I’m excelling at work and I have a road map on how I’m going to start the next chapter of my life. YET I’m finding myself wanting a man in my life even more so than ever.

I have come to terms with the fact that a fuck buddy relationship is not possible for me. I can’t seem to keep feelings out of it. Is it my fault majority of the time though? No, the guys want to start off like a relationship but they really aren’t trying to go there. BUT it’s my fault for the feelings.

Where I live now I lack distraction from these wants. The lack of friends really does me in. I work so much I can’t even get that need fulfilled. Everyone’s married or in a relationship so who has time for friends, right ?

So here I am.......

I’m consistently questioning why it is as humans we long for companionship so badly? Can we as individuals really thrive and commit to a monogamous relationship? Can we really be happy with one person?