AGGRESSIVE / KINDNESS

       dinah remembered a time when things were not as. . . celebrated. when she simply didn’t talk about her sexuality because those around her wouldn’t understand. wouldn’t accept it. one of the best parts about all of them saving the world over and over was the chance it gave the world to change. now, dinah was glad she had lived to see the day where pride could be as big and wonderful as it was. that she could wake up that morning, jump out of bed in excitement, and don her colours. every other day, she was the black canary.

                     today, she wore pink, purple, and blue. proudly.

the only word for it was the fact that both of her parents were so suddenly back in her life was: odd, albeit not necessarily in a bad way. she was lucky to have the two of them here in one piece so maybe she was being a little selfish in the fact that she wanted to spend as much time with them as possible, but ava didn’t seem to mind at all and they had time to make up on.

the nightmares themselves were almost a comfort, there’s some jarring regularity to them, although the players in each scene changed. sometimes it was her parents, sometimes it was her siblings, even jax had seemed to be making more and more appearances as of late ( though that was something the femme was keeping to herself grateful that him powers didn’t give him such abilities to know ) she was simply used to them now, she and ava managed between the two od them. if there was anyone who was going to have some sympathy it was the soldier girl. it was having her mother there once more that shook her this time.

it takes the young woman a moment to center herself, to stop her mind from wandering, and she clings onto dinah for a moment before she’s able to let out a breath, “i’m alright, i’m alright,” she speaks making no effort to move away from the other’s embrace, staying quiet resting her head on her shoulder. everyone was here, everyone was safe just like they always were. “i guess i um… fell asleep,”

       despite hearing from haley herself that she was alright and the nightmare was passing, dinah made no effort to let go. maybe it was her own comfort. how many times has this happened that dinah wasn’t there to calm her afterwards? it made guilt sink in her stomach like lead. but her daughter was still holding onto her, resting her golden head against her shoulder, and dinah nuzzled a little against her. wanting to seep strength and safety from her being to haley’s. 

       ❝ it’s okay, ❞ she continued to say softly, rubbing a palm slowly and deliberately in circles upon haley’s back. ❝ you’re okay now. ❞ and she pulled away just a little so that she could brush back a lock of hair and attempt to meet her daughter’s eyes. ❝ are you still tired? i can stay here with you while you nap, just like i used to when you were little. it always made you feel better, having someone beside you. ❞

Ajax was guarded around the woman, overtly aware she was a hero just like his own father. he recalled the nights spent with haley, some of which they spent sharing their hatred of the late-night getaways, always seeing news bruises on them, all of it. still, like it or not, Jax had to say something. Hals’ voice echoes in his head, god jax what’s it going to take for you to learn to keep your fucking mouth shut, it brought a little smirk to his lips that surely didn’t fit the situation. 

“the one where I leaver her high and dry,” he shrugs as if it’s the simplest statement in the world. his tone is soft, as he has no wish to intimidate the mother in front of him. he… honestly wasn’t sure what he was going for, here. he never exactly reached the ‘meet the parents’ stage with anyone, not that this encounter was planned.

“don’t get me wrong, I’ll go if she asks,” surely it wouldn’t be that easy, as Ajax never truly left anyone, it seemed as of late. though, the woman needn’t know, so he keeps his expression seamlessly modest and earnest, “but come hell or high water, if she wants me there, I’m there.”

       leave it to dinah to jump to worst case scenario. ideally, it always helped her prepare for whatever may come her way, but that applied more to her excursions with the justice league and the birds of prey. not when it came to relationships and family. instead, it made her seem like the overprotective mother that she technically was, but that also irritated her kids and ex-husband. not that she was about to apologize for that to ajax, but she did take a sharp inhale through her nose and then back out. calming herself without being obvious about it. uncrossed her arms.

       ❝ at least you’re smart, ❞ the canary mother said then, not very lightly. that was her trying. turned back to the vehicle she had been working under the hood of and fiddled around with a wrench inside the engine. probably causing more damage than good, but she wasn’t one to look people in the eyes when she wasn’t 100% sure she could keep her emotions in check. ❝ not that haley needs me for that anyway. i’m sure you’ve realized by now that she can handle herself, and before i would even have the chance to come after you for leaving her, she probably would’ve taken you out. ❞ now she was bragging about her daughter?

“they are strong. the strongest.” she nods, sharp teeth picking at the skin of her lips. “and he’s a good dad, i just — i hate the constant reminder that i left them like that.” it wasn’t one of her finer moments. barbara prided herself on being a good analyst, a tactician that made the right calls even under duress but..

the accident was different. the shock, the horror of everything that’d been done to her. the knowledge that she wasn’t even hurt for anything she’d done, but her wounds used as a tool against those closest to her… it had destroyed her. made her feel like the best thing for those around her was to be without her. that way, she couldn’t hurt them any more.

and so, she’d gone. didn’t want to risk her beautiful children becoming collateral damage for the trainwreck of her life, didn’t want to burden anyone else with more than they could bear.

still, she’d dug herself out of that hole eventually. realized that isolating herself wasn’t doing any good for her or anyone else. built herself a new life, a new team, and dinah had been the cornerstone she’d leaned on hardest.

she can’t help but laugh at dinah’s suggestion — they’d stopped using the comms when barbara moved to paragon and stopped running missions quite so often. “you sure you still want me in your head?” a smirk lifts her cheeks, and the weight on her shoulders seems to fizzle out. “would’ve thought you’d enjoy the freedom too much for that again.”

but dinah’s right. ( of course she is. ) the knowledge that her presence is wanted, that she can still help people is more than enough to bolster her emotions for now. “i’ll have some ready for you by the end of the week.”

       ❝ i know, ❞ dinah sighed. leaned a little against barbara because sometimes, in their history, it was just easier to be closer to each other. how many times has the black canary come back from a mission to collapse into the oracle’s lap and cry? ❝ and i won’t lie to you, babs. it doesn’t go away. not really. i still think everyday if it would’ve been easier for ollie and i to make things work until after linnea graduated high school. but that’s the thing ── if i had the chance to do it over again, i don’t think it would’ve changed anything. we had to split. and i think, knowing you, you know it’s the truth for you, too. ❞

       for a moment, dinah closed her eyes. allowed the brief slip of control in her head to allow the pictures fluttering back into view. of barbara. dying. tortured. how HATEFUL dinah felt then. for a second, the canary had become one of those people who blamed batman. why haven’t you just killed him yet? and she had never been like that. always stuck by bruce’s side about keeping the joker alive. but when it came to barbara? what he had done to her? it was the one thing that broke her morals for a short time. 

       that laugh. it was all dinah needed to hear to lift her head back up and see the redhead smiling. knowing that everything would be okay. that barbara was still here and stronger than ever. so much for looking like a badass combat instructor in front of her students when she was literally gazing at her best friend like she had hung the stars in the sky.

There’s a bright smile forming on Lian’s face at her grandmother’s comment. “You know what? I like the sound of that!” She says happily, always loving when they got to spend time together. “I don’t think anyone in this family could be helpless. Even when I was little you taught me how to defend myself. I still use that trick you know?” She says as she tilts her head to look at the other.

       even on days she felt the most tired, seeing the smile of a loved one like lian was enough to fill dinah with undying energy. it suddenly seemed as though the day wouldn’t be as long as she thought. god, and she was that mother/grandmother who wanted nothing more than to embarrass her family by wrapping them up in giant hugs and never letting go, no matter who stared. but she settled for wrapping an arm around lian’s shoulder with a squeeze, smiling in return.

Kyle can’t believe out of all the people to bump into it’s an old friend. He would recognize Dinah anywhere, so he smiles at her after realizing who was standing in front of him. He smiles as he pushes his fingers through his hair. It was nice to see a familiar face though he’ll admit after being away for so long.

“I don’t mind bumping into you either, it’s about time we catch up.” Kyle says with a smile. “I’m staying for as long as they let me.” He chuckles as he looks over at her. “How are you, Dinah?”

       in another life, dinah felt she could have made a great green lantern. but maybe that was just her wishful thinking, and the fact that she seemed to be such good friends with just about all of earth’s protectors in the corps. it flooded her with a sense of relief to see kyle standing here now, seeing as she never knew when she would get to see one of them again. galaxies and lightyears away on the universe’s most dangerous missions. okay, now she was just daydreaming about being a space cop. . .

          she hadn’t expected for her mother to say that she was her hero. linnea hadn’t even  thought that was possible, for her to be a hero in her mother’s eyes. for a second it felt like a small amount of weight came off of her shoulders. for a moment she felt like maybe that was enough, but then the rest of her mother’s words reached her ears and shame ran through her body. despite dinah saying she wasn’t mad about linnea keeping things from her.  ——  gemma had told her? damn it. she hadn’t meant for any of her family to find out about that.  they already worried enough about her after the gunshot incident. she didn’t want to make it worse. why was that so hard for her to admit to her own mother? “ — i thought that it  would be better if i could handle it on my own. i wasn’t hurt too bad and cleo healed my  wound so i just wanted to focus on trying to figure out what was going on with krys and why she went back to frostbite.” focus on the facts and not her emotions. it was easier to explain that way.

       there was never a moment that dinah felt anger toward her children, especially linnea. upset, maybe. but that was just because she couldn’t bear the thought of them becoming injured in any shape or fashion. even when they were children and roughhoused, it always made her heart beat a little faster with anxiety at the picture of one of them bleeding ── even if it was just a scratch.

       but anger? never. and she had to credit that to the fact that linnea was so much like her. because who else does linnea remind her of except herself? dinah had to know when to admit that she would have done the same. HAS done the same. not wanting to add extra pressure the lives of her loved ones, lying about her wounds after a mission so she could fix them alone. it was ironic. the spot in her right shoulder where an unfortunate arrow sought to maim her, and was yet the same location on her daughter. 

       dinah knew. dinah knew it had been a long time since they were back in that place. she knew, and she was THANKFUL for it. too often has she had to hold various victims of substance abuse while help arrived. and she had always done such a good job of holding it together, the support and strength they needed. but she never came as close to breaking as she did when it was roy who was strung out in her arms. shaking no matter how hard he tried to stop. crying because it hurt deep in his bones.

       dinah knew it was a long time ago and simultaneously too soon. so when roy said those words, meant to be joking perhaps, the canary paused. those feelings swarming up for a moment, let them have their time in court, and then pushed them back down. she was a firm believer in entertaining pain to overcome it. this pain she could handle because this pain sourced from the fact that roy hadn’t died.

       it was times like these that really emphasized the fact that dinah was considered short for most heroes. but that didn’t stop her as she reached up his height to give a little pinch to stubbly cheek, smirking up at the lantern.

       it was nice when the condo got company, seeing as dinah once lived within a MANSION that housed quite a few people in its day. if she were being completely honest, those were the best days of dinah’s life ── caring for and protecting a whole home full of loved ones. when some of them came to visit, it filled this little lonely part of her.

       straps unlatched from beneath a streamlined jaw, helmet pulled free with cascading blonde locks. dinah didn’t like to tie back her hair when she was on a motorcycle ride, actually quite liking the way it made her appear a little more disheveled and wild. there was a wide grin as she hung the piece off a handle bar, leaning onto the mass of the bike as she regarded her ex-husband.

       it seemed a running theme with mia and connor to show up unexpected. they had the decency to tell dinah and oliver when they were leaving for a trip or mission, but they often returned as a complete surprise ── but always welcomed. at his question, she gave a laugh under her breath, running a quick thumb over his cheek before gripping his shoulder.

       it hadn’t been too long since hugo was introduced to some of the lance-queen family, having only ever heard of him from nate. dinah was beyond thrilled. slowly, nate had divulged more and more information about his interest to his mother, and she had soaked up as much of it as she could, just happy to be involved. when hugo made his appearance, it was with a wide smile and a signed greeting, thankful once again to her godson for having taught her enough sign language to be passable. 

       but now, dinah liked to think that her and hugo were friends. he was a sweet boy, but incredibly amusing. it was as though he understood dinah’s sense of humour and definitely played it to her liking. though it took her a moment to translate his gestures, she started laughing, already thinking of her response and how to best convey it.