heartbreak and sleepless nights

Hello lovelies its M here!

the day has come that i can say this! during my break, myself and my mini team have been working on my debut poetry book Heartbreak and Sleepless Nights! you can finally purchase a hard copy of my work!

i'd like to thank everyone on here for your continuous support. i hope you're just as excited as i am! more things are to come

please look forward to Heartbreak and Sleepless Nights.

with all my love,

M

links

amazon: https://a.co/d/huEJ28B

barnes and nobles: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/heartbreak-and-sleepless-nights-maharani-sirris/1145472025?ean=9789360946586

ebook: https://ebooks.bookleafpub.com/product-page/heartbreak-and-sleepless-nights

currently in the icu

and no body noticed 

finally touched death

im not quite scared

it holds me by my hands

so what if i almost die

does it change anything

does it change the pain inside

ventilator tube in my mouth

hands by my side 

im in restraints 

i call the nurse above me by her name

hoping she would take it out

i pinky promise i tell you

but all sounds like belh

so i hold my pinky up as far as i can

i forget the sound of my own voice

and yours too

i open my mouth 

but its just a squeak

maybe silence is all you need

toxicologist came by

to reiterate that she saved my life

cut the bullshit

all of your lies 

this wasnt my plan

i tell the psychiatrist 

i wasnt supposed to make it the other side 

im a nihilist

but here i am 

holding on

to what im not sure

im reaching for something

that is too long gone

she looks at me blankly 

no sympathy in her eyes

so what was the plan

i don’t know i say

i just wanted to sleep

so i drift

between being asleep and awake

between life and death

in this place no one listens

you only speak 

you try to save me

but im not sure i want to be

dead people don’t go around 

telling people they wanna be alive

dead people don’t go telling everyone they wish they survived 

i can’t choose to live

but i can’t choose to die

and ill keep breathing 

never really looked at your eyes

you didn’t even care about my case

you’d rather me die

the name on my gravestone should be yours

for i don’t deserve to live a life with you in it

the hell you put me in

all these years i have tried to assert my needs

all that gone in an instant

it felt like i had to make you believe

that this was more than a suicide case

there’s a person behind this face

screaming for help

in shallow water 

im caught between the flags

and you never bothered

im frustrated

you were supposed to be there

how many others

have you made feel small

no smile

just another case file

no wonder so many die under your care

you’re nothing but hostile

i hope i never see you again

you made me feel like

there’s this monster inside of me 

but im not broken

i loved you so much

that i almost took my own life

knowing youd be better off without me

but i woke up disappointed

because i didnt die

i had tubes in my mouth

forcing me to  breathe 

because my lungs were collapsing 

inside of me

and you say i dont love you

we both know thats a lie

my body lays here lifeless 

and youre the reason why

yesterday i took my first steps

id been bed bound

who knew walking could be so foreign

my feet finally touching the ground 

you tell me im exhausting

maybe that right

all these things trying to keep me alive 

while i try to fight

so i love you

and i hope you know that

im sitting in a hospital bed

watching the world spin by

you like me in secret 

just one not enough to share

you let them meet your parents

you take them everywhere

you like me in secret 

and then say say your love language is quality time

but you don’t love me enough 

to compromise 

going on long drives was your hobby 

but i guess my house wasn’t far enough 

maybe drive further

find someone with different blood

someone your parents would proudly name 

some one you’d walk beside without feeling ashamed 

you love me in secret 

i’m someone too close to home

i always picture you with a suitcase in your hand 

you’re someone that likes to roam

why is it you can’t keep still?

what shadows are you running away from? 

is there a monster in me?

or is it something i have become?

i fail to put two and two together 

screaming at the sky 

why is it that you loved me in secret?

a question, that i despise

so you hide me in secret

love me only when no one sees

all this is now a reflection of me

you loved me in secret 

and i put up with it all

watched myself fade away-

until i was too small 

i should be the one embarrassed

for letting you treat me this way 

but the truth is, its not just you that i hate

i bet you grew up

eating dinner at the table

smiles all around

your family looked stable

from outside the window

when the blinds were up

but your mother always yelled at you

when you didnt fill her cup 

pictures hang in your lounge room

of little you 

im sorry for saying this 

but in my house no pictures were to be found

because i grew up 

eating dinner through a FaceTime screen 

my parents couldn’t stand each other 

they became mean 

so my mother took me on a plane

somewhere far away from my dad

but by the end of it

i lost something i once had 

you are lucky 

that your family lives on the same street 

while my family are scattered leaves 

broken and incomplete

we grew up with parents 

who couldn’t differentiate 

between love and fear 

always too unstable to navigate 

being the only child

their anger at each other 

was aimed at us 

like we were the bother

so i can’t blame you 

for not being honest 

you were always taught 

to hide what you feel within 

but i bet you grew up

in a house full of trees

always climbing branches

creating memories 

when you grazed your knee

i know that your parents made sure you were okay 

all mine ever did

was corrupt me through the roots of my family tree

the only thing we had in common

was packing up, leaving

exploring new towns 

but never living 

you learn to carry the weight so well

always reaching towards the sun 

i tried to do the same 

but my battles aren’t done 

now you look at life

in a positive light 

while i spend my days

wanting to die

so i bet you grew up 

making jokes with your mum

laughing until your tummy hurts 

until your face goes numb

i grew up with silence 

a weight i couldn’t explain 

trying so hard to fix pots and pans in the kitchen

it only brought more pain

you have healed

from the monsters under your bed

oh god i wish i was you

so i didnt have to fight the monsters in my head 

but one day 

these monsters will be covered in leaves

the ones i raked in a pile neatly 

 see your name as a notification on my phone 

i wonder if things would have turned out better

if i cared less

and you cared more 

but now it doesn’t matter

im a hopeless romantic for you

because if it was hopeful

i would have had you, right

and  i re read our text messages 

from time to time 

to prove that  once i was the love of your life

i dont talk much about it

now i dont talk much at all

somethings are better unspoken

sometimes its better to talk to the wall

you said being with me made you gain confidence 

but in the end you made me lose mine

i guess im not blaming you

but sometimes there is a fine line

so now im addicted to looking in the mirror 

picking out parts of me

today i only had a salad

thats the only thing i eat

so now the lights are on

im starting to see clearly

please understand that

i would never leave you

in the ways you left me

repeat that again

see if it makes sense

i would have done anything for you

just so this wouldnt end

i thought we were happy 

but i guess i thought wrong

with your eyes on the road

youre ready to go home

optimism 

the hair on your face

because you seemed nice

but now i feel betrayed 

betrayal

is the only thing that comes to mind

when i hear your name

this was my wrong step in my life

and now i feel ashamed 

you seemed nice

i repeat to myself again

but nice people 

wouldnt pack up and leave

when it doesnt suit them

nice people

dont watch their partner beg please

nice people

arents just the notification on your phone

nice people 

usually smell like home

silly me 

that was just his cologne 

sitting on my bedside table

covered with my poems

hell never see 

except this one

why 

but i guess I dont either

to love you or hate you 

im picking at the flower petals 

maybe neither 

so im chain smoking herbal cigarettes on my balcony 

as i try to recall that night

i think im too in my head right now 

but if you loved us enough 

why didn’t you fight

you saw my face like a heart attack 

stared into my brown eyes

bet it brings you back

everything comes to your mind

when your friends told me that we will go far 

congratulations spread like wild fire 

but the only thing that will go far is this grief 

because I lost someone I once admired

oh you are so mature

looks like you got your shit together

unless we are talking about your feelings 

its capricious weather 

bread crumbing is your best talent

and mine is being is being a hungry pigeon 

you see me as a wild bird

that’s stuck in prison

so do you love me

sometimes I think you do 

other times im sat here wondering 

if I have lost a screw

im now tangled here in your indecision 

analysing their every move

it all feels like a riddle

i tell my therapist one afternoon

but there’s really nothing left to analyse 

its quite simple actually 

you are no longer mine

aren’t over her, now are you 

i mean i wouldn’t be either

she’s quite pretty 

doesn’t hate what their body looks like in the mirror

eats what ever she wants without feeling guilty 

am I your comfort 

is that why you keep coming back

i start to see you everywhere I go

a haunted house, no ones home

you play with my heart as a joke

but no one finds it funny 

i understand that you are trying to figure things out 

but you aren’t a dummy

im tired of picking the flower petals 

caught in the haze

every time you start to give me a flicker of hope

you start you walk away

so what’s the narrative now

do tell me please

my head is going round and round 

it would end my misery 

so now I stand here in limbo

your mixed signals 

makes me still chase your shadow

how embarrassing it is 

to love someone 

that was never really there 

i could have liked her too

its not like she did anything wrong 

just fell in love with the person i knew

i can’t blame her

i was once where she is

in your bed

hands in your hair

in the passenger seat of your as you shared

hey i found this new artist yesterday 

i think im losing my mind

or maybe i already have

thinking of how you’ll choose her 

in the way you never chose me 

im not mad 

just a little disappointed 

still waiting to heal 

at least i don’t avoid it

a part of me wants to warn her

tell her your love comes with strings attached 

he only loves you 

when you’re not mismatched 

shell gaze at the same stars we did

hear the same songs

but she won’t know that you keep 

your self hidden for so long 

hope you take her to the snow

in the summer

i know the roads without a gps, you muttered

maybe only then she will like the capricious weather

then you invite her to your mums house

bring her red apples 

the one she likes 

the one from coles 

sit with her on the piano 

teach her the songs 

maybe shell pick up quicker 

right all the wrongs

but at least she’s learning from her mistakes

instead of running away 

from the person you think you are 

that mask will slowly decay 

im now bitter like the coffee

you don’t drink

could you make me a cup

yeah i don’t think 

so maybe if i was kinder

i would let her know

that she isn’t a bad person

you turn the lights on no longer on your bed with no sheets wipe the tears off your face you'll start to see things clearly

so tell me the truth was it at least easier to stay numb how many times did you change yourself to be the person you have now become

and that doesn’t make you a failure people always change like the way your hair curls in the rain we are never the same

i'm sorry your parents taught you that love was something you had to earn that their affection was fleeting, conditional, and you learned to doubt your own worth

tears in your eyes what if i am worthless what if this is a punishment from a god that i don't even believe in

you didn't deserve that i told you one night you stopped the car halfway even though you were ready to drive

far enough where no one can find you a magician's disappearing act one day you’ll disappear far enough i'll have to beg you to come back

you are not who you were when you were seventeen because time heals wounds but no matter what i'll always try to make you feel seen

you have reached the shore now there's no need to swim tell me all the secrets about yourself that you hide within

you were afraid to be left so you walked out first a mastermind at your own game that blessing soon became a curse

look at me your eyes meet mine you'll be okay you'll find out what all this means someday

and now you'll live for a lot longer than i will you're in the middle of chasing your dreams you're running up that hill

and when the music ceases do you know what comes next will you escape your own mind or read what the setlist says

you have carried the weight of too many goodbyes but not all departures mean something inside dies

look at me you are neither a punishment nor a sin the universe that you don’t believe in notices what’s within

and when the music starts to fade and the needle becomes too quiet the stars that we look at don’t disappear they just hide for a while

breathe, just breathe you have been running too long to notice what you have done

i could have liked her too

its not like she did anything wrong

just fell in love with the person i knew

i can’t blame her

i was once where she is

in your bed

hands in your hair

in the passenger seat of your as you shared

hey i found this new artist yesterday

i think im losing my mind

or maybe i already have

thinking of how you’ll choose her

in the way you never chose me

im not mad

just a little disappointed

still waiting to heal

at least i don’t avoid it

a part of me wants to warn her

tell her your love comes with strings attached

he only loves you

when you’re not mismatched

shell gaze at the same stars we did

hear the same songs

but she won’t know that you keep

your self hidden for so long

hope you take her to the snow

in the summer

i know the roads without a gps, you muttered

maybe only then she will like the capricious weather

then you invite her to your mums house

bring her red apples

the one she likes

the one from coles

sit with her on the piano

teach her the songs

maybe shell pick up quicker

right all the wrongs

but at least she’s learning from her mistakes

instead of running away

from the person you think you are

that mask will slowly decay

im now bitter like the coffee

you don’t drink

could you make me a cup

yeah i don’t think

so maybe if i was kinder

i would let her know

that she isn’t a bad person

but i guess I dont either

to love you or hate you 

im picking at the flower petals 

maybe neither 

so im chain smoking herbal cigarettes on my balcony 

as i try to recall that night

i think im too in my head right now 

but if you loved us enough 

why didn’t you fight

you saw my face like a heart attack 

stared into my brown eyes

bet it brings you back

everything comes to your mind

when your friends told me that we will go far 

congratulations spread like wild fire 

but the only thing that will go far is this grief 

because I lost someone I once admired

oh you are so mature

looks like you got your shit together

unless we are talking about your feelings 

its capricious weather 

bread crumbing is your best talent

and mine is being is being a hungry pigeon 

you see me as a wild bird

that’s stuck in prison

so do you love me

sometimes I think you do 

other times im sat here wondering 

if I have lost a screw

im now tangled here in your indecision 

analysing their every move

it all feels like a riddle

i tell my therapist one afternoon

but there’s really nothing left to analyse 

its quite simple actually 

you are no longer mine

aren’t over her, now are you 

i mean i wouldn’t be either

she’s quite pretty 

doesn’t hate what their body looks like in the mirror

eats what ever she wants without feeling guilty 

am I your comfort 

is that why you keep coming back

i start to see you everywhere I go

a haunted house, no ones home

you play with my heart as a joke

but no one finds it funny 

i understand that you are trying to figure things out 

but you aren’t a dummy

im tired of picking the flower petals 

caught in the haze

every time you start to give me a flicker of hope

you start you walk away

so what’s the narrative now

do tell me please

my head is going round and round 

it would end my misery 

so now I stand here in limbo

your mixed signals 

makes me still chase your shadow

how embarrassing it is 

to love someone 

that was never really there 

we broke up

but only one of us went through it

cause you had your answer 

but never thought about mine

wiped your hands clean

as you waved goodbye

you built your wall too high

so i stood outside

waiting for you to come back

while you had the time of your life 

dancing in the rain

you didnt give a damn

for what i had to say

you chased the sun

while i chased your shadow 

i know we are done

but the sound of your laugh echos

maybe if i wasnt as desperate 

youd look more into my eyes

but rather you saw me as a set back

something to despise

you should have stopped telling me you loved me

when you didnt mean it

im madly in love with you

i shouldnt have believed it

the promise you made

ill see you next week

you never came by

so now all the memories fade 

i piece myself together 

as best as i can

i thought id get what i wanted

im trying my hardest to understand 

every step forward 

you linger behind

everything screams your name

suddenly it all comes to mind

i tell myself im stronger

theres better ways to heal

but im at the doctors watching him stitch me up

instead of telling anyone how i feel

so i hoped for more

though you had other plans

youd rather let this die

while i try so hard to understand 

i had the wrong idea about you

and the truth is clear

maybe you werent who i needed 

but the thought of that brings me to tears 

ill end off saying this

kau pantas dapatkan yang baik di dunia ini

to the rim

put my head in

to drown all the noise

on a bed with no sheets

i sat in my own tears

crying until i could no longer cry anymore

im filled with fears

choked on spit 

puffy eyes 

flicking lighter

wondering why everything feels wrong

so i took the first train

to somewhere i can’t explain

is there anywhere i can go

to drown out this pain

smaller than an infant

but larger than life

this isn’t getting better

no matter how hard i try

standing on the bridge 

at that one train station 

waiting for the right time to jump

pussied out never mind

nothing behind these eyes

my pupils wide

head on the tracks

is this how ill die

out of breath

because i smoked the rest

i don’t wanna learn to coexist 

sorry for all this inconvenience 

i ran into oncoming traffic this morning

convinced the officer 

i was alright

all i was trying to do was run a race

with no finish line

seroquel tablets on my bedside table

“ill only give you these if you promise not to kill yourself”

she doesn’t know im a liar 

hiding the truth behind a fragile smile

why they hell am i alive

im searching for a sign 

the darkness suffocate me

like those sheets i once sat on

do you think anyone would notice

i ask the ghost in my room

if i simply fade away 

but there’s no reply

i didnt think so anyway 

is it too late to start over

the weight won’t lift

too tired to fight

im over this 

so i sit on a park bench 

watching the world blur by

im just another shadow in the night

id rather be statistic than myself

maybe then people would find me more interesting 

maybe then they would pay better attention 

to the chaos in my mind

you didnt stay long enough 

to see the real pain behind these lies

you didnt stay long enough 

to ask me why

what day is it today 

a cycle of muted despair

what is there to live for 

all this is beyond repair

i reach for help

you fall through my fingers

missed appointments 

this ache lingers

so im back in my room

a bed with no sheets

knees up to my chest 

this is the end 

i still remember it

like it was yesterday 

the clouds came in

looked like it was going to rain

where did we go wrong

what have we done

all the pain and sorrow

the mourning period had begun

now i sit here all alone

how many times do you have to kill me

how many times have i died

call me the villain

but i actually wanted to try

you stripped all life from this body

something i can never get back

am i even alive

cause this seems like a personal attack

cause how many times do tears have to fall from my face

till i see you again

cause how many times do i have to sacrifice 

you tell me what where and when

ill be right by

i had trust in the world

but maybe i shouldnt have had trust in you

can we start again 

can we see things through

i considered you

over and over again

until i had to consider me

but at what expense 

so i still remember it 

like yesterday 

but now there are teardrops on my window pane

our love is like dead leaves

on the dirty ground you that you step on

our love is like dead leaves