stop censoring me :(

you hit 26 and suddenly your only choices are dropping out of college and hitting yourself in the head with a metal pipe

when you hit 26 your only options are kill yourself or keep on living . this also happens everyday

Instagram sucks so bad everyone I know has this particular psychosis where they're like "why did he open the reel I sent him but didn't respond", "we've been friends for so long she didn't like my story even though it's my birthday", "they liked my event post but didnt share it to their story", "what does it mean if a guy i slept with 3 times a year ago liked my story" liiiiikkkkee who gives a single fuck people only look at that shit while theyre on the toilet or in line or driving

In fifth grade a boy tried to impress me by swallowing a whole tadpole live and I punched him so hard that he puked and the tadpole was fine.

This is funnier than anything I have ever said.

Happy Easter.

Honestly this is fucking brilliant because you can put hot drinks in this cup and since it has a handle you won’t burn your hand drinking it

Did…did You just discover mugs? They have been around some time now… Are..are You ok?

my philosophy is “nothing an individual can do could possibly be worse for the environment than major corporations dumping tons of pollutants into the atmosphere every day but also don’t just toss shit on the ground you idiot have some manners” 

I'm really not a very angry person there's just a lot of rage inside me

There's something terrible boiling bubbling under my skin ready to burst out of my chest but I'm a chill guy

i love when people ask me “what are you anxious about” like…….about??? you think this is based on reason? rationality? never heard of that

a lab coat and a wizard robe are exactly the same thing actually

the only thing separating a wizard and a mad scientist is time

they are gay lovers

oh you are extremely correct to say this thank you. they are kissing. brewing potions and mixing chemicals in tubes beakers.