bittersweet

I’m so tired.

Please give me strength for this new obstacle you give me.

Please let me understand that you did this because you want to test my faith because you want me to remember you. I’m trying here to really understand.

Let me trust on you, let me trust you.

I dont want to let my rage eating me a life, screaming that this is not fair!

Is suppose to be the peak… its Eid’s … but unfortunately God’s choose me the other way. I’m trying to be positive, but i don’t see the the light after this tunnel.

What lesson should i learn from this? Patience? Surrender yourself? Put a faith in it?

I’m sorry God… but this month on this year is not not my favourite

I think i dont have someone to guide me into that direction. All i had couple these months are only hatred, anger, injustice. Try so hard to keep the straight line — to be kind, to be honest, to be open minded.

I appreciate people who gave me some advices… but they never actually be in my place.

Its back and forth for me to go to psychology, i think i really need it so bad.

I’m sorry God… this month is supposed to be my most favourite month, but apparently you want to teach me something that i still dont know what.

“Beuh Alma, strong women”

“dia bukan mba Alma yang bisa pergi sana sini tanpa suami”

“kaya mba Alma, ga ada suami yoook aja, kita mah sepaket aja”

“tuh mba Alma, sendiri juga gpp”

its flattering yet sad...

Ga tau dengernya sedih aja, karena satu sisi -- ya mau gimana lagi punya suami jauh, terus dari awal juga gw udah diajarin nyokap untuk ga bergantung sama orang lain, dari dulu selalu disuruh mandiri bahkan sampe sakit harus self healing sendiri -- intinya sama sekali ga bergantung.

But what most scariest is in the face of happy and cheerful person.

Give a little time to observe your close person and give them a thoughtful gesture.

Traffic jammed, interact with “smart people”, very demanding work, taking care kids alone — which out of sudden both of them having a fever x_x

Want to take a vacation — like a proper vacation

To the beach… without laptop or non stop messages that will blow my phone. I dont need to wake up in the night what work that i havent finish, what kind of drama that i need to face it tomorrow

When your chest is heavy, when the tears wont stop falling, when your mouth shut when the words want to start falling and your head full of things.

You dont have parents to rely on, partner who wont understand or friends that too busy with their life.

I dont blame them.

I blame me for being too weak… shame to think that im going to surrender soon.

I can’t … i can’t

“How long do you want to do this?”

Never get the fixed answer but its always

“Not too long”