Why can’t you just love me pt. II
Ok, so this story was originally just one part, but a lot of people wanted a part two. So catch up with part one Here 💙
“Good to see you're still alive.”
“I wanted to talk to you. About Cal, listen he feels terrible.”
“I know you’re angry, but he’s a mess. Really, it’s bad. I’ve never seen him so torn up.”
“Are you kidding me? You’re defending him?”
“No. I’m not. He knows I’m mad at him and disappointed. I’m not going to make excuses for him, but if it makes you feel any better I know what he said was true. He loved you the entire time.”
“He loved me? If he loved me he wouldn’t have broken my heart a year ago by treating me like a random hook up and then showing up to Christmas dinner trying to sabotage my relationship and happiness. ”
“I’m not here to argue facts. I’m here because despite the fact that we’ve had our differences I grew to really care about you. I know he loves you, I know you were good for him and I know he’s never regretted anything in his life more then this. I’m just asking you to consider maybe talking to him. He’s worried about you. He wants to fix it.”
“He can’t fix it Ash, what’s done is done.”
____________________________
It had been three months since Ash showed up asking you to at least consider speaking to Calum. You really did think about it, especially on Calum’s birthday. You had spent that entire day fighting internally if you should call or not, but you just couldn’t. No amount of previous heartache was excuse for what he did. You knew Calum wasnt a bad person, he didn’t set out to intentionally hurt you, but he did.
He called for weeks after the Christmas dinner, showed up at your door once, but you couldn’t get over it. You were currently sitting on your couch reading with a cup of cocoa and some sappy romance movie playing in the background. You heard your phone buzzing and we’re kind of surprised because it was late.
“Hey uh its me, it’s Ash.”
You were silent, you didn’t know what to say or what he could want.
“Yeah. Yeah I’m here. What’s up Ash?”
“Listen, I know he’s not your problem anymore, but I can’t get a hold of Michael and Luke and I are too far away to get to him.”
“What’s are you talking about?”
“Cal. He’s wasted and at the bar you like. He goes there all the time hoping to see you. He locked his keys in the car, not that he should be driving. He needs someone to go get him. His wallet and keys are locked in his car. His spares are at home. I know you know where his hideaway key is. Please. We really need your help.”
“Ash you’re telling me there’s no one else?”
“At this hour? No, there isn’t.”
“Fuck, alright. Okay, I’ll go get him.”
Against your better judgement you hung up and got up to get dressed. The whole way over you kept telling yourself you were an idiot. The truth was though if Cal was in as bad a shape as Ash made it sound the last thing you wanted was him getting in his car or an Uber since it would make the news easily.
You pulled in to the familiar bar and sat for a second longer composing yourself. You loved this man so much and he ripped your heart out and you would be facing him again for the first time in months. You got out and hugged your body, the wind had picked up and the temp had dropped a few degrees. You should have brought a jacket, but it slipped your mind. You pulled open the heavy door to walk in and immediately stopped.
There he was first seat at that bar. A glass of water in front of him, he was sat in a chair at the edge of the bar with his head resting on the actual bar. His head was shaved, and he looked much different then the last time you saw him. He’d traded in his leather jackets and fitted pants for some oversized ones and his jacket appeared to be made of some kind of pleather.
You walked up to him and instinctively rubbed his head. “Cal, are you okay?”
His head lifted, his eyes were droopy and his cheeks red. “This is a nice dream.”
“Has to be, your my girl and my girl won’t actually talk to me. I broke her heart and she hates me now.”
Your eyes immediately watered. His voice was sad, his eyes read of exhaustion and you could tell he’d given in to the sadness in his heart.
“It’s not a dream bubba. Ash called me to come get you. Come on, let’s get you home.”
“Okay, alright I just need to pay the lady.”
“I’ll do it, your wallets locked in your car. Stay right here.”
You walked over to the bartender who you vaguely remembered.
“I need to cash him out please.”
“We have his card on file, he’s fine no worries.”
“Oh. Comes here a lot i guess?”
“Nearly everyday. Gets wasted and then some blonde guy comes and gets him. I’m assuming you’re the girl he’s always talking about. Not my place, but maybe you should give the kid a break. He’s all tore up.”
“Sorry he’s such a hassle.”
“No hassle at all honey, he’s an angel.”
You walked back to Calum who was now leaning against the wall with a cigarette in his mouth.
“You got a lighter hot stuff?”
“No. I don’t smoke and you shouldn’t either. I’ve been telling you that for the longest. You’re gonna ruin your voice Calum. You need to quit.”
“God I miss you harping on me.”
He followed you out the door, he noticed you shiver as you walked out.
You turned to see him swaying back and forth and shimmying out of his jacket before he half stumbled up to you putting it around your shoulders before leaving a kiss on the top of your head.
“Cal, you’ll get sick. I’m fine it’s only a block up.”
“I’ll be fine, plenty warm with all the booze in my system.”
Your senses were on overload with his smell. Your heart ached at the weak smile that he gave you as he started to walk back to the parking lot. You wanted to hold his hand, wanted to burry yourself into his side to keep warm like you used to.
When you got to the car you unlocked the doors and settled in. Calum quickly fell asleep in the passenger side, you decided to unlock his house before waking him up and helping him inside. You walked over to the potted plant on the side and lifted it finding the key. You went and unlocked the door and were pleasantly surprised by Duke running up to you jumping to be held. You’d missed him tremendously. You kissed and hugged the small dog before setting him down and making your way to the thermostat turning on the heat.
You made your way back to the car and around the passenger side to wake Calum.
“Hey Cal, we’re here. You wanna try and come inside?”
He mumbled something you couldn’t really make out, but you saw him trying to shift to swing his long legs from the car. When he stood up he stumbled back so you grabbed on to him to keep him steady.
He leaned on to you for support as you helped him up the front steps and into his house. You led him back to his bedroom and sat him on the bed.
“I can take off my shoes.”
You leaned down unlacing his signature checkered vans but leaving his socks on.
“Don’t deserve you. You’re still so beautiful. I love you Angel, you know that right? You know that I love?. Do you still love me? God I really hope you do.”
Your heart was absolutely aching, you wanted to hold him. Kiss him and tell him that despite the heartache he’d put you through with his inability to let you in that you were still desperately in love with him. But you didn’t.
“Come on, lay down. You need to sleep it off. I’m
gonna grab you some water.”
You tucked him in and made your way to the kitchen. You were honestly shocked. Calum had always been very clean, but his house was in total disarray. Old take out boxes, a pile of dishes in the sink, laundry piled higher then you’d ever seen. You grabbed a cup and filled it up and headed to the bathroom for some Tylenol you knew he was gonna need.
You laid it down at his side table because he was already asleep again.
You walked back to the living room, letting duke out the side door before dialing Ashton.
“Why didn’t you tell me he was this bad?”
“ I didn’t- we, the boys and I didn’t want to guilt you into coming back. We know he fucked up. We were hoping he’d snap out of it.”
“How often is he like this?”
“Don’t know or don’t want to say?”
You could hear him sigh and his voice was a little shaky.
“Nearly everyday. We’re not in the studio yet, just writing for the album. He comes in works and then is straight to the bar unless we somehow convince him not to. And even when we do once he gets home he’s drunk.”
“Ash, have you seen his place? It’s a mess.”
“He’s spiraling, but it’s okay. Well take care of him. You’ve done more then you had to and we appreciate it. He will too.”
“I’m gonna stay. I don’t want him alone in this state and this place needs to be cleaned.”
“Do you- can you ever forgive him?”
“I want to. I do. Seeing him I just, I don’t know. I miss him, he’s a mess and that kills me. I just want to hold him and then I think it’s even dumber of me because this, all of it is his guilt.”
“He’s suffering. You gotta take him back or tell him it’s over.”
“I’ll talk to you later Ash.”
You hung up and looked around. Your heart aches at the thought of Calum living in this mess. Coming home and drinking himself to sickness every night. You couldn’t sit with your thoughts so you started to clean. You figured the living room was the best place to start as any. You grabbed all the clothes thrown about and started a loud of laundry. You picked up the pillows and trash, wiped down his tables and took dishes to the kitchen. It took you about two hours to clean everything.
You’d checked in on Calum and he was still sleeping. You knew you should leave, but you were afraid to leave him alone. It was nearing 1am, so you laid down on the couch and shut your eyes. You were woken up an hour or so later to the sound of Calum getting sick. You were on your feet and in the bathroom in seconds.
You leaned down rubbing his back.
“It’s ok, you’re ok. You’re gonna be fine baby.”
Calum sat back against the tub and you stood up wetting a wash cloth and leaning down wiping his mouth.
“No, stop. I don’t need your pitty. Ash shouldn’t have called you.”
He stood up, stumbling back to his bed.
“Do you wanna explain to me how I’m the bad guy here?”
“You-you’re not. I ruined everything and I get that. I’m doing the best I can, but having you here is really hard.”
You could hear his voice crack and when he looked at you the tears in his eyes caused yours to do the same. You could tell he was starting to sober up, his initial happiness to see you had worn off, and was replaced with the dread of watching you walk out again.
“Cal, this isn’t your best. Your house was a disaster. You’re drinking everyday. I’m worried about you.”
You stepped forward standing between his legs. You reached up cupping his cheek.
“I know that this is you beating yourself up. I forgive you though, I don’t know if we can ever fix this, but I want you to be okay. It hurts me to see you like this Bub. Please, you have to stop this.”
He reached up his hand to lay on yours. It had been months since he’d touched your skin and he missed the warmth and love he felt in your touch.
“Okay, I’ll stop. I promise. Can you jus- never mind.”
“What? What do you need?”
“Can I hold you? Just one night? Can you stay here, and just lay with me?”
“I think that’s a bad idea Cal. It’s gonna just set this expectation of everything being okay. It’s just gonna- fuck it. Okay, yeah.”
You nodded your head and he grabbed your hand bringing it to his lips.
“I’m gonna go brush my teeth.”
“Please do” you let out with a sigh.
You knew this was a bad idea, this was going to seal your fate and you knew it. The minute you were in his arms it was a done deal. You wouldn’t be able to leave him again. When the bathroom door opened he emerged back out changed into a dark blue pair of plaid sleep pants.
You could see he’d lost weight, his skin was paler and his eyes weren’t bright like they used to be.
“Do you want a shirt or something?”
“Um sure, yeah that would be great actually.”
He walked over to the dresser pulling out a shirt and handing it over to you, you walked into the bathroom closing the door behind you. You slipped out of your clothes and slipped his shirt over your body. You stood in the mirror and looked at yourself. It had been over a year since you’d stood in this place, in this room, ready to sleep next to that boy. In all the months you’d been away from him you’d never stopped loving him. He’d hurt you, betrayed your trust. But you’d never been able to really stop loving him.
He had told you the night he showed up after Christmas that he’d never intended on hurting you. He’d hoped that the night you were together would have changed your relationship, but not in the way it had. He wanted to love you, but he was scared and had truly convinced himself that he wouldn’t be good for you. That being with you would have only hurt you more so he convinced himself that he didn’t love you in that way. You knew you would never know the truth, but you could you believe him if you wanted to.
You opened the door slowly and saw him sitting on his bed. Sheets pulled up to his waist and his head leaning back into the headboard.
When he looked back at you, you could see the tear pulling at his eyes.
“Yeah doll? You change your mind? It’s okay, I understand. Probably a bad idea anyway.”
“No. I just need to know, before we do this... I need to know the truth. I need you look me in the eyes and tell me the truth.”
You walked over taking a seat next to him on the bed.
“From the moment I met you, you were special to me. I swear to God, you know me. You know when I’m lying, feel my heart. It’s Steady. I’m telling you the truth baby. I love you, I didn’t realize it until after I lost you, which makes me a dick but I’m not a liar. The night we were together, he’ll that entire weekend meant everything to me. But there was so much pressure and I didn’t want to be in a relationship or put all that pressure on us and ruin what we had. When I look back though I feel like we were together the whole time and just didn’t realize it.”
Your mind was swirling. That was the one thought that you always had, but never shared. All the months you’d spent together were always filled with things couples did. There just was never a physical aspect to your relationship other then cuddling so you couldn’t understand what he was so afraid of and why he didn’t love you.
“Cal, it wasn’t you not wanting a relationship that hurt me. I understood that you didn’t want to be my boyfriend not yet at least. What I couldn’t understand though is why you didn’t love me. Why didn’t you want me?”
“Calum, you told me you wanted me because I was hot and you didn’t love me like I loved you.”
“I never said that. You said that.”
“And you didn’t disagree. Just like you aren’t now.”
You slowly started to move back from your spot next to him. He reached out for your arm pulling you into his lap before reaching up with his hands and pulling your face close to kiss you. It was tender and sweet but full of demand. Almost as if he was pleading with you without words.
“I love you. I loved you then and I love you now. The same way you love me, I’m just not as good at it as you sweetheart.”
You didn’t say a word, you climbed out of his lap and slid under the blanket facing your back to him. He turned off the bedside lamp and slid down turning on his side and pressing himself against you. He put his arm around your waist before tucking his head into your neck and closed his eyes. He knew your silence wasn’t a good thing, butt he also knew you hadn’t left him and so he was gonna hold you and breathe you in for as long as he had you.
When he woke up the next morning, he didn’t have to even open his eyes to know you were gone. The air felt different, he couldn’t feel your warmth. He rolled over on to his back and opened his eyes staring at the ceiling. The pain of waking up alone was worse then the night you walked out on him. This time he figured it was really over. You gave him his last bit of closure. He got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom. He washed his face and brushed his teeth and noticed the shirt you were wearing folded neatly on his counter top. He could feel his eyes watering again. He lifted up the shirt to his nose and sighed at the smell. He could smell your body lotion and little hints of your perfume. He sat the shirt back down making his way to his kitchen.
He barely recognized his house. You’d completely cleaned everything and his laundry sat folded by his sofa. When he walked into the kitchen there was a note on the coffeemaker that he just needed to start it. He opened the fridge and grabbed a beer, but then remembered the promise he’d made to you. He was going to do his best. He was going to try, so he put it back.
He hit the button on the coffee pot and waited. He was surprised when he heard the jingle of keys near his door. He assumed it was Ash but rushed over swinging the door open which frightened you.
He grabbed your shoulders pulling you into him hugging your tightly which caused you to drop the bags in your hands.
“Cal, what the hell? What’s going on?”
“I did. You didn’t see my note?”
“I left you a note on the toilet seat. It said I was ubering to get your car before it got towed and that I was gonna swing by and grab some actual food for the fridge.”
“I didn’t see it, I thought you left. I’ve been trying to not cry for the last half hour.”
You reached up taking his cheek in your hand and rubbed it lovingly.
“I’m sorry baby, I thought you’d see the note.”
He helped you pick up the bags from the floor and went out to the car grabbing the others. When he got back inside you were already whipping up some breakfast for the two of you. You made small talk about the new album and asked about touring and he asked you about work. After you cleaned up you saw him sitting in the couch, kind of staring off into the distance.
You walked over sitting on the table in front of him, which broke him from his thoughts.
“You wanna tell me what you’re thinking?
“Just wondering how long till you leave. Till you remember you hate me and go back to your boyfriend.”
“Cal, I don’t hate you and I don’t have a boyfriend. I broke up with him the same night of the party.”
“Because it had been almost a year and I was still in love with you. He didn’t deserve that, I shouldn’t be with anyone unless it’s the person I’m in love with.”
“Are yo- do you still, are you sti-“
“Yes. I’m still in love with you. I was in love with you that night still and the nights we were together which is why I wanted it so bad. I thought maybe it would make you want to be with me. So I’m sorry, because I recognize that I played a part in our undoing too.”
“ I shouldn’t have been such an idiot. It’s too late now though isn’t it?”
You stood from your spot and crawled into his lap, placing your hands on his chest.
“I want you. I want to be with you.”
“I do. I need you, and I think you need me. I don’t want to be away from you anymore. I know that probably makes me stupid, but I’ve missed you so much. Seeing you this way, I didn’t know you were this broken I thought you were okay.”
“Can’t be ok without you. Never could be. Can we start over?”
You leaned forward kissing him slowly. His hands trailed up your back as he pulled you closer to him, until you were chest to chest. He held you as tight as he could without hurting you, and kissed you as long as he could without running out of breath.
“Let’s start over. Be with me, but really with me.”
“Ok Bub, lets start over.”
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