Jordan Kelly

   Though Catalina was not as religious a woman as she had been in her youth, she still had a measure of faith in people rather than gods, and often in keeping up the appearance of faith for the well-being and comfort of her family — whether distant or close by, somehow her family always knew — she made appearances at certain churches at certain times. If she appeared to lose her faith, there would be interventions; there would be an attempt to save her. But Catalina knew one thing beyond a shadow of a doubt: she was beyond saving.

   Her eyes were passing over the statues inside the church, lingering by the door as people flooded their way out, and noticed the sudden stop in motion; she had places to be, and while she wouldn’t exactly shove her way through a crowd of parishioners, she wanted to see what would cause them to stall in their movement to flee the church with its inadequate air ventilation and all their layers having caused them to get sticky with the heat blasting to stave off the still-winter chill that permeated the air of Roseville.

  At the sight of Jordan there, mumbling to herself like that of a mad-woman — and then directing it towards the crowd proper at one point, even — Cat politely made her way through the bodies of those who would block her, her face unsmiling but a polite ‘excuse me’ uttered each time.

   One hand came out to rest on Jordan’s bicep, and though it was not hard enough to hurt her, it was firm enough to not be ignored as Cat moved to guide herself and Jordan away from the crowd, offering over her shoulder, “She has just experienced loss.”

   It seemed to sate most of them, though there was the clicks of tongues and other admonishments at the apparent loss of faith over loss of life, but Cat didn’t bother to respond. She’d lost plenty and she’d seen the same looks when her faith had dipped. Appearances were everything with them, sometimes.

   “You cannot just go up to people and start doing that.” Cat muttered as she moved the woman away, releasing her arm after only a span of beats — in Jordan’s state she didn’t seem like to stop Cat from the initial motion but Cat would take no one under force… the Accords mattered too much and even that could be seen as breaking them — and turning to face Jordan, “You have to hold it together. Not always, but do not let anyone see you break in public, todo bien?“

   Cat and Jordan were not friends, and to be truthful Cat could count the friends she had on one hand — and on even fewer digits her friends of wolfish persuasion — but she had not found hate in her heart when she and Jordan had met. Wary, yes, but not openly hateful; what had happened to Cat had not been Jordan, and she could recognize that, but it didn’t mean she would expose her neck any time soon.

Jordan wanted them to hear her and yet when they did, she wanted them to ignore her. The truth of the matter was, she was confused, her head was clouded and mixed up with so many things right now, she didn’t have a clue what she really wanted. There were certain things she knew she couldn’t have--changes to the circumstances both she and Caden had found themselves in, but they were empty wishes, not something that was achievable at all. 

She was setting a dangerous path on the road to tailspinning and yet she couldn’t even see it. The young wolf was so determined to cope, she could no longer see she was doing the complete opposite. 

Her expression did soften slightly when she saw Catalina, until she gripped hold of her bicep. Unfortunately any touch from someone she didn’t trust--and that was most, would garner a less than positive reaction, one that was born out of sheer instinct and fear. Yet the firm hold she had on the young wolf, caused her to yank away her arm forcefully and immediately go on the defensive. 

“Don’t!...d-don’t touch me!”

Her teeth clenched together tightly and dark brown hues bore intensely into the others as Jordan walked away from the crowd. 

“No I haven’t...not me!..I...it’s....”

Confusion reigned down on her facial features as she tried to speak coherently. Did this female know about the loss of her pack?--or was that not recent enough? Jordan decided she wouldn’t know that, which meant she was referring to Noah. Swallowing thickly, she waited until the congregation had walked the other way and her brow furrowed.

“I didn’t know him...I’d never met him...it’s not my loss..it’s...Caden...it’s....that was his brother...I...I didn’t know him...I---didn’t....I didn’t know him.”

She repeated the same words over and over, her hands reaching up to hold either side of her own head. It felt like it was going to explode so her fingers gripped hold of her hair.

“Nobody can see me break. Yeah, I know...I get it!...it’s all about control--all about being the stronger person...be better....being someone to be proud of...being like my....my....”

                                their faces

                          i still see them 

                                                         b r e a k ?

Freyja hadn’t left the Estate much since her mother passed and her father disappeared. Part of it was because her coven wanted to protect her even more now. The other part was that Freyja never felt like leaving. Her body was either heavily exhausted or she only went out with someone in her coven. Every day seemed like a different side of her was coming out and she definitely was experiencing mood swings. But she felt like it was normal for a girl who had just lost her whole immediate family.

She walked to the ice cream shop, craving some ice cream dipped in chocolate. Freyja didn’t indulge her sweet tooth all that often, but recently, she had been eating way more sweets than normal. Another thing she felt like was happening because of her recent loss. But she felt like anything that could make her feel a little ounce of happiness was worth it. 

She practically glided up to the counter and ordered a vanilla cone dipped in chocolate. Her mouth watered as she waited as patiently as she could. She was practically shaking with excitement as she stood there and when she got her ice cream, the first bite was pure bliss. She hummed as the vanilla ice cream mixed together with the hardened chocolate. This was exactly what she needed.

Freyja turned and began walking towards the door when someone pushed into her and it caused her to stumble towards someone that was in a booth. She managed to keep hold of her ice cream as she ran into the person and she quickly stumbled backwards. “I’m so sorry, that wasn’t–” 

Her eyes widened and she tried to move backwards when the girl got out of the booth. “Wait–” Freyja managed to get out before the girl pushed into her, causing Freyja to drop her cone onto the ground. He her heart sank and her emotions were building up inside. Part of her wanted to cry. “You can’t just…” Freyja lowered herself to the ground where her ice cream had fallen. “That wasn’t my fault. I’m sorry that I knocked your ice cream over but I’m not the one you should be upset with.” Her jaw was clenched as she forced the tears away. Something as small as her ice cream falling to the ground threatened to make the young girl break all over again. 

Jordan’s mind raced as she tried to piece together the situation that had unfolded in front of her. She’d reacted out of instinct really and had just pushed away the person who was too close for her to be barely comfortable. She could feel the cold of the ice cream as it soaked the material of her pants and a sigh left her lips. 

“W-What’re you doing?”

The young wolf watched as the girl lowered herself to the ground and her brow furrowed wondering what she was going to do down there. It was only as she saw the emotion in her face, Jordan could see she was upset.

“It’s no good now....you can’t...I mean...just get up....please....get up.”

Panic started to merge with the frustration that she had felt with the initial accident and Jordan clenched her hands tightly into fists. She’d lost her appetite anyway and just wanted to leave. Yet when her visual slipped over to the original one who had bumped into the girl, she saw a guy who was sniggering. It seemed he was no worse for the situation and still had a large cone with strawberry and vanilla ice-cream piled up high in it. 

Momentarily glancing back at the female, Jordan’s face was full of worry and seriousness. 

“I know it wasn't your fault. We can get another....”

She tried to offer her a smile but didn’t quite manage it and the result was her lips curling up ever so slightly and then back to a frown again. The guy responsible was still chuckling as he sat down in a booth with two friends and now they were all looking in their direction. 

Letting anger take a front seat, Jordan walked over to them. She wasn’t much good with small talk or threats, so as one looked at the wet patch on her pants, the young wolf quickly swiped her hand across the table which then knocked a sundae into each of their laps. Swiftly before the other had time to react, Jordan grabbed his ice-cream cone and yanked the elasticated waist of his tracksuit bottoms, allowing access at the front where she proceeded to dump the cone before patting it hard.

“You stupid b....”

All three of them were now cussing and none of them realised how close they were to releasing a side to Jordan they wouldn’t want to see and she was desperately trying to hold it in herself. Needing to pull back from the situation, she ran a hand down her face and inhaled deeply, trying to remember the way to relax. It was only when she let her line of vision fall on the girl again, it triggered her guilty side.

“I-I’m sorry....here...take this...buy another...”--and with that, Jordan held out some money.

“You haven’t heard the fuckin’ last of this...just you wait....”

The question that shot through the condo to his position near the kitchen earned a heavenward glance, clenched eyelids, and a shake of his head. Forget the damn air pump once and you never hear the end of it. “Yeah,” he called back to Jordan, unable to hide the amusement from his tone if he tried. Which he wasn’t. “There’s an air pump.” 

As he opened up their current text conversation and attached the picture he’d just taken of them, Caden grumbled to himself, “You’re never gonna let me live that down, are you.” It was fine if she didn’t. He welcomed the teasing. It made them feel all the more like family.

When he’d amassed New Haven Pack all those decades ago, it’d been for one reason, and one reason alone. War. Once upon a time, he’d convinced himself otherwise. Way back when he would’ve sworn up and down that it was actually the prevention of war that made him go from pack to pack, challenging alpha after alpha, until all the scattered packs in Vermont marched under one banner: his. It was a lie that he’d needed at the time - to believe that he’d come back to Roseville with an alternative to the Accords, one that didn’t involve a blood pact that made the Wolfsbourne Crescents deferential to anyone’s laws but their own. It was the same belief that got his old man killed. 

It didn’t take long for his gathered warriors to become more than that, more than cannon fodder or a show of force. In a matter of years they became his family. And, as their Alpha, their prosperity and longevity had to mean more to him than a pack he didn’t have a place in anymore. Cade gave himself over to them entirely, wholeheartedly, and forced himself to give up on a war no one wanted for the sake of leading a pack of his own making. 

Jordan was just one of the many pups born to the New Haven wolves. She’d been surrounded by people who loved her and looked out for her, surrounded by warriors and fighters who would kill and die for her in a second because that was what it meant to be in a pack. Now all she had was him, and all he had was her. They were a family, and that meant teasing, bickering, and riding each other’s last nerve. After everything they’d been through, it was the first bit of normalcy they’d reclaimed. And one he’d be grateful for for the rest of his damn life.

With the text sent and his phone sheathed in his back pocket he walked the stretch of hallway to the room she’d claimed and leaned his shoulder on the doorjamb. His arms folded in front of his chest and a smirk twisted his lips affectionately, which stretched further when she aimed her own smile at him. 

“I thought so too,” admitted Caden, glancing around her barren bedroom, imagining the possibilities of what she’d do with the space. Tone casual, though warm in its undertones, he continued, “Big enough for both of us to have our own space, with the kitchen between us so that you can’t forget that I also live here.” A teasing wink was shot her way. 

Nodding toward one of her windows, the one to the side with the fire escape landing just outside of it, he revealed, “There’s roof access from that window, too. Just a section of roof, but it’s basically private.” He shrugged, motioning that he wasn’t making any particular point, or implying anything specific. It was just that he knew that sometimes having your own room wasn’t enough. And since they weren’t all that close to any forests for her to run through, sitting under the stars on a rooftop could be a possible alternative. 

“Oh,” he said, suddenly reminded of another purchase he’d made in addition to the air mattresses. “I almost forgot.” Cade walked over to her closet and pulled the mattress’ box from the shelf he’d pushed it onto, before tossing Jordan the second box he’d stored there. 

Once she’d caught it he watched her turn it over to inspect what it was, explaining, “It’s a Polaroid camera. I know photography’s not really your thing but,” his shoulders jerked. “I saw it and I thought of you.” He glanced down at the box, noting again the small camera printed on the front, it was black and vintage-looking. Very grungey, or whatever the fuck the kids were calling it these days. 

The kiss to his cheek was welcomed by a broader smile. There was a fond warmth to his gaze as he stared down at Jordan, more appreciative of her in that moment than the little wolf could ever guess. He ironed out his expression when she asked if she’d picked the best room. The single shoulder that lifted didn’t offer any kind of reassurance, and the teasing was back in his eyes. She darted off and Caden followed slowly after her with a chuckle. 

“No take backs,” he said when she circled the master bedroom. This time he entered fully into the room a few steps before settling in against one of the walls. Still smirking at Jordan, Cade’s silence was broken by a level, “I’m bringing Willow by later, either tonight or tomorrow, to ward the place. I’m also gonna install some home security and change the locks and shit. After that we can hit up a mattress store and start picking out some furniture.”

He was just reiterating the game plan he’d been forming in his head, but when it came to his relationship with Jordan, Cade liked to keep things open and honest. Communicating was how they kept each other safe. Honesty was the best policy, and he’d never lied to her before. He didn’t plan on starting now. 

“Good.”

If only he could’ve seen her face right now, he would have seen the amusement that was covering it. Even when heartache was something they both held and emptiness would engulf her into the darkest hole, it didn’t mean she never smiled--or never let her humour come through. Jordan had a dry sense of humour and would find fun in the simplest of things, that was still there, it had never left, it just couldn’t always surface. It could with him though, it came easy because he had been there before, during and after. Everything else was gone and there was nothing at all left apart from Caden and the memories she had in her heart and head. She would panic sometimes, scared that the happy images in her head would blur and fall into a place she wouldn’t be able to retrieve them--terrified that the awful and traumatising ones would finally take over every piece of her. She couldn’t let that happen, she just couldn’t.

“You have no chance of me letting you...”--humour filled her tone now so even if he wasn’t aware before, he would definitely be sure she was teasing him now.

She knew why he had returned to Roseville, Caden had always been upfront about it. Jordan had always been honest with him too, but it didn’t mean she aired her thoughts though sometimes. She wasn’t very good when it came to herself and how she felt. The young wolf found it difficult to open up about certain things and she couldn’t put into words how isolating things were at the moment for her because she didn’t want it to sound like he wasn’t helping or as though she wasn’t being what was expected of her. He had history here, Caden wasn’t a newcomer and this pack must’ve been close to him back then--she knew how packs worked. She just wasn’t sure what the future held because regardless of their feelings about him at the moment, Jordan could sense there was some sort of care there--at least from Harlow anyway. Then again, she might have been picking up on something that wasn’t there--because the young wolf always questioned everything she did lately. Trouble was, she was the outsider in all of this, nobody else.

--this was why he was so important to her--why this apartment was so important. He was the constant she needed, the one who didn’t let her go too far, someone who took care of her like her family used to--he was her family and living here in this building was another piece towards the security she desperately needed. Which is why it didn’t matter about the down times when she felt bitterness seep in instead of grief, because when it came down to it, Jordan would do anything for him--anything at all.

“I can’t forget you live here too....”

A look of mirth appeared on her face as she shot a look at him.

“...because you snore.”

She scrunched her nose up before nodding, still joking.

“You do...you really do.”

Jordan was only messing around and it came naturally for her around him. This was definitely one side she needed to show more but with others too.

“Really?...oh wow...I bet that the sky looks really cool at night from up there on the roof. You will know where to find me if I can’t sleep.”

What she should have said was ‘when’ she can't asleep because not a single night had passed when she could sleep more than a couple of hours or so at a time. In fact most times she woke sweating from the nightmares she had and was that claustrophobic she had to get outside into the open air. It wasn’t something she brought up though because, in a funny way, she didn’t have to acknowledge it the next day if she didn’t talk about it.

“Oh....what is it?”

As she walked over to him, curiousity covered her face and she was almost immediately behind him when he turned, taking the box as he gave it to her.

“ A polaroid one?...but this....”--she fumbled and opened the box to get a better look. Photography wasn’t her thing when it came to professional no, but capturing brief seconds in time--well that had become something significant and of value to her. “..this is freakin’ awesome!....thank you....” She had loads of ideas for it, photographs she wanted to take, where to pin them in her room. Oh yes, the young wolf could see herself becoming a pain in the ass with it. She didn’t put it back in the box though, instead, Jordan carefully placed it in the front padded pocket of her rucksack, a smile still etched onto her lips.

His room though was defitely the master bedroom.

“Damn it...no takebacks....”

She grinned and pretended to be bothered by it, but really she was happy enough with her own room. It was plenty big enough after they’d spent so long in the truck and crappy motels.

“Umm...is Willow okay?..I mean...did she take thing’s okay...you being back an’ all?”

She didn’t want to pry, but was concerned and she hoped he would get a welcome of some sort. though she followed it up with a different subject they’d just been on about in case he didn’t want to say.

“I am gonna make us a coffee table...or something like that....” 

You’re pretty. I could tell you’d be pretty….a-and your smile when you said you were his…. 

Willow decided right then and there that she liked the young pup. Of course, she had to be great for Cade to stick by her the way he has, but it was nice to form an opinion of her own. Seeing her now, feeling her emotions, realizing how vulnerable she was in this moment… her heart went out to her. 

It didn’t take an empath to realize how much she cared for her alpha, his well being, his happiness. She was as loyal as a beta could be, and Willow had a feeling that the doe eyed look and state of confusion was only temporary. There was a deep seated fight in her that was clearly shaken but couldn’t be taken. 

Her smile faltered at Jordan’s stuttered question. The pup wasn’t sure whether or not to ask, clearly not wanting to overstep her alpha’s orders to keep quiet. Luckily, she was in good company, and there was little Willow didn’t know.

“Yes, darling. He told me last night.” She knew Jordan was aware he’d spent the night, having ensured Cade had sent her a message so she didn’t worry about his not returning. She’d have invited Jordan over sooner, but, well… it wouldn’t have been the kind of scene for company.

An arm wrapped around the small frame of the taller woman, and she lead her in the direction of the apartment. “Don’t worry, we may have just met but I am no stranger to you.” Her voice was low, soothing. Keeping a physical connection with Jordan as they fell in step with one another, the easiest way to soothe her of her pain.

“We can talk once we’re inside, okay?” It was too dangerous to linger on the street these days…

A small crease formed in the middle of her forehead just between both brows when Willow stated Caden had told her last night. It wasn’t because he told her--he was bound to, Willow being who she was to him, but Jordan wouldn’t mind a heads up when it came to who she could speak openly with, because until now, she thought that number was zilch. 

“Okay....”

She offered her a faint smile and unlike most people she had to force any kind of expression for, it was genuine. It was much preferable that Caden spoke about it anyway because Jordan had not spoken a word of it since that night. There was far too much raw emotion there to be able to have a calm conversation and the young wolf was terrified where her mind would go if she spoke in any detail. So she wanted to say more to Willow than just one word ‘okay’--but her mouth hesitantly opened and she closed it again, figuring it would only just be some ramble anyway. 

For a moment, her body went rigid when the other female wrapped an arm around her shoulder. She knew she wanted to pull away--and yet didn’t. Willow was not making her doing anything, but the sensation she felt was nothing like she had encountered before, so at the same time it was comforting, it confused the hell out of her too. All Jordan did was keep her dark brown eyes firmly fixed on Willow, trying to search for something--weigh her up--analyse anything about her. 

“I don’t understand...I don’t get what you mean....what does that mean?”

Jordan knew full well she should be stopping in her tracks, confusion and defensiveness running through her body and she certainly wouldn’t have let anyone touch her--yet here she was, walking in time with Willow and following her back to her apartment. If she was referring to not being a stranger because of specific points like Cade's tattoos then yeah, Jordan wasn’t as oblivious as some people thought. Only because she never mentioned it to him, it didn’t mean to say he didn’t see the way he looked at the rose on the back of his hand sometimes as a vacant expression took over his facial features. Willow had always been a part of him even when he wasn’t in Roseville.

There was so much pain inside and was it so bad to just welcome something that made it feel that little bit less even if only a short while?