Call Me Nickk

To the girl obsessed with life’s fireworks:

Something about New Year’s Eve, really! That’s just perfect and enchanting. It’s like this one faithful chance...that at the stroke of midnight, we will all be made new. Like how Cinderella got her one magical night. And we all want that, too.

I do not have the single ounce of drive to write for weeks now, maybe months. I am sapped and I don’t want to talk about it. But as the year draws to an end,  I feel heavily compelled to conclude it. Not just for closure but in desperation, too. Of wanting to arrive at the end of the calendar hoping for a few good guarantees. Despite all else being unsaid and undone.

I ended 3 jobs this year. It sounds awfully reckless — perhaps it is. Everybody thinks I have my life figured. But I don’t. So I’m telling you now these magical words: 

“I don’t know.”

I don’t know what to do next and where I am going. I don’t know what’s bound to happen in my life ahead. Heck, I don't even know what to do tomorrow. (Except, maybe eat). Oddly enough, that is a good thing. Because if I did, where’s the fun in that? Clearly, I don’t need to know everything. At least not yet.

If I’m being perfectly honest, I have not made peace with my what ifs. If it’s any consolation, I still feel like a lost cause in between — wandering always and what nots. I worry I am nowhere close to clarity. Hence, the uncertainty. But breathe now. Breathe all the worries out now. Because our God will not forsake us. So carry on. Love deeper, hope better, pray harder.

But for the love of God, let’s celebrate! A toast to a year of graceful surrender. ♥

CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS, NO MATTER

Christmas wasn’t merry for most of us this year. People everywhere are still starving, thirsty, cold, and homeless because of the typhoon. No electricity, no water. Suddenly, this fast-paced world is jolted towards the so-called “slow living”. But there is no room for complaints now. I mean, how could I? How could you? We’d be doing God a huge disservice being unhappy at a time when our only Savior is born. Even at a time of despair, glorify Him. He hears and sees all of our sorrows and cries with us, too. I am always comforted at the mere thought of my God. He gives me hope and the gift to write about it. So celebrate Christmas, no matter. 

CELEBRATE THE LOVE THAT IS TRYING TO FIND YOU

I know we all fear getting hurt, getting someone hurt. Which is why I need you to hear this from me. It’s not about not getting hurt. It is all about finding that one person worthy of your pain. Because who’s relationship anyway that doesn't get wound up in fights? Really.

This is me praying…that as God generously gives me grace, so am I giving you the grace to be human. This is me, still praying, that I will never, would never get rid of you even as I try to reach for my dreams. Can’t you see? You are every part of it. Waiting is no easy feat. (Wait, has it been 3 years? It’s not like I’m counting.) Oh dear God knows how impatient I can be. But know this to be true. I’ll be waiting for you to be home. Finally home. (And by this “you” pronoun, I have no face to give. like seryoso. hahahahaha)

CELEBRATE FAREWELLS AND NEW BEGINNINGS 

In the end, change is inevitable, and a lot of times unwanted. It will teach us to move on, to start over, to put all the dark and negative thoughts and emotions behind us and move forward.

I’m slowly learning that maybe regrets are not so bad after all. Or that bad decisions lead to some good things, as well.

Throughout it all, it has shaped us into who we are now, and who we’ll eventually become. Cry about it, laugh about it, write about it, but in the end… embrace it. We are all a little lost in this f*ck up world, anyway. But you know what? Half the fun is getting lost!

I don’t know how you’re celebrating the end of the year. I am just here, writing my thoughts away as I get all cozy in bed. Happiness is a hot cocoa milk topped with marshmallows in this cold weather. (I’m really not that hard to please.)

Together, close this chapter with gratitude and appreciation. It was a good one, no matter how others tell it otherwise. 🥂

This is your silly writer signing off.

All my love,