we must be strong

I got Callie right around the time I got super into Steven Universe and for the nearly four years I’ve had her, her blog title has been a Steven Universe quote (“I’m an experience”). That was before any other Muses had come and I had the idea of them as a very tight-knit family. Steven Universe always stuck out to me because he was this big, fated hero — but he was also super soft and preferred to solve problems by talking through them instead of fighting. I’ve always said I played around with Chosen One tropes with Callie, since technically her destiny wasn’t to be a hero, but to aid heroes. 

But still a lot of her internal struggles came from Steven’s — a pressure to live up to a destiny greater than her, the looming figure of her past self haunting her — as did a lot of her personality, this softness and insistence on speaking and mending relationships. 

Steven Universe ended last year, then it had a movie, then it had an epilogue series which addressed Steven’s trauma in a way that’s rare to do in children’s media. It attacked the what comes after happily after part of the story which I think has been the latter half of Callie’s story for me, diving into her childhood and really tugging at why she couldn’t just go back to things the way they were. And in that way, I did realize a crucial part of Steven’s story that was missing for Callie: she didn’t have the love in her past that Steven did. Her past was tainted. Trying to repair it would not work (especially….since I had no Muses in play and didn’t want to make sweeping declarations for people), so her story couldn’t end like that. I needed to do something different. 

If She-Ra and the Princesses of Power had been out when I was mulling over Calliope, it would’ve definitely been a huge source of inspiration. But it came out after I’d had Callie for two years so it speaks more to her ending. And really, what a perfect ending.

The parallels between Callie and Adora were there from the start. Unlike Steven, Adora grows up with a very abusive childhood, manipulated by a mother figure who just wanted to use her. It was uncanny how accurate it was. Adora escapes her environment and ends up growing because of the people she meets out of the Horde (just like Callie grew with Kiara and Bambi). But she still accepts her big grand destiny — till she doesn’t.

It’s revealed in season four that an ancient alien race has been manipulating She-Ra for their own ulterior motives. Adora makes the choice to shatter the sword that allows her to transform into She-Ra, essentially making her powerless for a few episodes of the final season. When she gets her powers back, it is of her own violation — but it should be noted, it is not her powers that save the world. Well, it is, but she’s about to be super sacrificial, when the previous She-Ra confronts her in a dream and basically tells her that she is allowed to want things. She is allowed not to want to be She-Ra. That the previous She-Ra made the sacrifices so that Adora didn’t have to. In the end, Adora saves the world because she reaches for the love of her life and kisses her and remembers that she deserves love. 

It reflected Callie’s story so much. And I knew that in order for me to have a satisfying end for Callie, she needed to break free of Calliope. This was not the story I thought I was writing when I first got Callie, but it is the one she slowly transitioned towards. Callie makes her own choice. She steps out of the destiny declared for her. She doesn’t do something because it’s the right thing to do — she does something because she is tired, because she has been manipulated all her childhood,  because she deserves love too.

Even the sound of nothing is louder than no sound at all.

There is sound in nothing. In the hum of electricity. The creak of floorboards. Old pipes in old Swynlake building. It is barely there, but it is something. Perhaps it is wrong to call it nothing, but you do not realize it is nothing, till there is nothing to realize.

Callie notices the sounds first. When you have heard no thing, hearing nothing is hearing something.

Then she is aware of the floor, that her body is on it.

Her body. She has a body. It is in pain. It aches so deeply and thoroughly. She feels it at her center first, then her limbs, till it permeates to her finger tips.

It is quiet.

Callie realizes she does not hear Calliope.

There is nothing in her head. She doesn’t feel a surge of magic thrumming through her veins. It is quiet.  There is nothing.

Callie stirs slightly. Her eyes remain closed, but a small groan escapes her lips. Someone comes to her side. She opens her eyes and finds Belle there, saying something that Callie cannot quite here. Slowly, slowly, slowly, she moves her fingers. Her toes. Her wrists and ankles. She manages to sit up. Her head spins.

What happened? She asks.

It takes her a moment to realize how curious it is that she’s asked this. Because Callie never has to ask this – not in situations like this. Usually, she closes her eyes and she knows. But there is no whisper. No swirling golden destiny in front of her. There is the sound of the creaking pipes and there is Belle’s hushed voice telling her that Artemis must have died for her to have lived.

Callie sits with that thought.

The last thing she saw before she died was Artemis’s face, ravaged by grief. She does not want that to be her last thought of Artemis. She closes her eyes. She thinks of that moment in the forest, sitting with Artemis and Apollo, where they dared dream of a future. That soft, golden moment when they hoped.

She opens her eyes again. She takes Belle’s hand and she thanks her. She gives Hades a solemn nod.

Callie stands up. She takes a shaking step. She walks forward. She does not stop.  

--

There is a knock on a door. The woman inside is not expecting anyone. It’s her day off. She stands up and goes to the door, taking a peep out of it – and her heart freezes. She blinks. It can’t be. It can’t be.

She opens the door.

“Callie?”

“Mom.” Callie’s eyes shimmer with tears. “I’m home. I’m home forever.”

In a few moments, Callie will sit her mother down and she will tell the story as best as she can, from the beginning to the end, and she will not cushion the details as she has done over the years. In a few hours, Dr. Sweet will come back from work and she will hug him too and she will tell her story again. In some more time, she will take a plane to Kenya and she will show up at another door and there will be kisses and more stories and from there, Callie will figure out what she wants. She does not know what she wants, but she has a whole life now, which is more than she ever had.

Immediately, a white-hot bolt of pain shot through her. She didn’t scream – she was in too much pain to scream. She gasped loudly, her knees buckling. She couldn’t see anything. She could see everything.

She saw all her stories, every single one. She saw the first dream she ever dreamed, the little boy chasing a falling star, and she knew that little boy was now a man and he’d chased something brighter than a star across universes and he was still chasing, would forever be chasing something, but that was what he wanted.

She saw flashes of other stories. Did she know them all? Could she name them all? A girl with dark hair in a braid, walking home with her head held high. A man with strong shoulders and a wicked smile, his plans foiled. Arthur, the one true king. Jake Long, the American Dragon. Clara – Clara just found, just discovered –

She saw Bambi, Bambi in the forest, Bambi and her trekking into the woods that one day, the day he’d heard the bird and it had all changed. She saw him in school – but she saw him surrounded by trees, sinking into Enchantra, more forest than boy, where he belonged.

She saw – She saw Hades, only it wasn’t Hades. It was Cassandra and she reached for Callie, but she didn’t reach for Callie – she reached for Calliope and suddenly –

Calliope. She saw Calliope. Calliope was brilliant. Calliope was golden. Calliope didn’t look like anyone or anything and she looked like every single person Callie knew. She had Kiara’s eyes. She had Dr. Sweet’s lips. She had her mother’s hair. She had – she had Urania’s chin. Callie blinked. Now Calliope’s chin looked more like Artemis’s.

Oh my child…

“I’m sorry,” Callie said to no one but Calliope.

(To everyone else, Callie had crumpled forward. Her knees buckled. She fell to the floor).

“I know this isn’t what I’m supposed to do. This isn’t – this isn’t how it’s supposed to end –” A sob shook through her.

Calliope said nothing. She touched Callie’s cheek.

This was not how it was supposed to go. That much, you are right about. But it is not your fault.

“It is. It is. I shouldn’t – I should’ve just gone back to the temple. I should’ve just done what they asked.”

Callie felt tired. She felt – she couldn’t see much in front of her anymore. Everything was dark, except for Calliope, shimmering Calliope, golden Calliope.

I am sorry, Callie.

Callie let out a breath of air – the closest thing to a laugh she could manage. She closed her eyes. She felt so tired. So tired.

“You shouldn’t apologize.”

I am sorry, Callie. This is not what Calliope should have been.

It was quiet. Very quiet. The quiet lulled Callie. It was dark. She only saw Calliope distantly, just a fading gold light. She wanted to reach out.

No, she didn’t want to reach out.

She wanted to watch Calliope fade away.

She let Calliope fade away.