Calling Something Nothing

I love your smile and your laugh

and I love the way you hold me tight

I feel safe

So safe I will go ahead and

deep inside my head

people were always happy

and everyone got fed

There were perfect little homes

for the perfect girls and boys 

And the perfect dinner that their perfect parents made

and after dinner they played with their perfect little toys

And they all had perfect grades

And they all had perfect looks

And they were all smart and funny 

And they all read perfect books

And they were all. so. perfect. 

But in this perfect world

There was also the perfect sadness

and the perfect disease

and the perfect madness

And there was also the perfect heartbreak 

and the perfect sorrow

and they perfect way, 

to just not want tomorrow

And there is the perfect murder

and there is the perfect death

and there is the perfect suicide

and the perfect final breath

So in this perfect world

even the crimes are perfect

so I think I’ll stay where I am 

A house I filled with dreams

A little hope, a little love

But they are all gone it seems

Where did it go?

How did it go astray?

For we cannot see without the light

It’s all pointless anyway

We work so hard, it’s all so rough

Yet we could lose it any day

We spend so much time

Doing things that we don’t need

We waste all our time on nothing

The one you see but do not know

The one you could live without

The one that might just go

I’m the girl in the corner of the photograph

The one no-one cares about

I’ve seen your laughter, seen your fun

And I’ve learnt to live without

I’m just the girl in the corner of the photograph

and really don’t ask me why

‘Cause when you see me all alone

To the things that haunt us all

Whether it be death or love or loss or pain

Let’s embrace it and answer their call

Let insanity be clarity

Let life no longer be sad

But mad and weird and bright

Let us all move together

Like water in a stream

And when we go to bed at night

How dare you just sit there

I’ve tried and spent all this time

To make myself not care

Yet here you just existing

In the dark corners of my heart

A face I only know as pain

How dare you even start

To allow your presence to be known

I know you don’t really care

You didn’t say it back

You didn’t say a word

Was that when these hearts turned black? 

The last time that I hugged you

You were no longer mine

But with my face against your shirt

I thought all was going to be fine 

The last time that we kissed

Did it even happen in this life? 

I wish I knew it was the last one

But regret is just a knife

And the last time you loved me

Is not something that I know

But I cannot help but hope with every breath

You think that they are better?

Watch me. 

Your scorn only ensures that I will grow

You are nothing but a point to prove

not for that

not for anything

that was fact

all she could think about

was if she could live without

love and hope and all and more

for heartbreak came from that same store

But there was a light in the distance

a small spot of hope

a break from her darkness

she could breathe, she could cope

for with that hope came courage

Courage in her core

For she now controlled the fears

They walk and talk and I don’t care because I don’t know if I’m really there

And I live with myself, in my little bubble

I watch your happy lives from afar and wish for you upon a star

I stay here, in my isolation

I thought I could reach out to touch you, yet illusions only slip through

I scream, you cannot hear me

This is the life I lead, cold and hungry, full of need

A girl

That’s the only thing that exists of me in your memories

Do you remember my smile?

My favourite colour? Favourite song? 

Do you remember what my laugh sounded like? It doesn't sound like that anymore.

Was that all I ever was to you?

I was holding onto the idea that I could keep going

But I don’t think I could

So my day ended

and I lost myself to the grey oblivion

All found in the sweet memory of home

I realise how I always felt 

I realise that what I thought to be happiness was just a carefully crafted illusion to keep me from ever moving on

And I realise that I am now free

But I do not discount my past

I do not ignore my experiences, the people I love, the world I knew

I do not anger 

When I look back, I smile

I smile, because even though I’ve moved on, that was a part of my life, a part of me, and it always will be

I smile because that is where I found you, hiding in the darkness, along with a million reasons to burst forth and live life

Time to brush the dust off my heart, test to see if these stitches will hold. 

Time to see if it is to beat steadily again. 

Time to try. 

So, with nothing but hope, I went forward. I thanked you for all you did for me, but it was high time I moved on from this lost place.