All the while, people thought of me, even I myself was thinking with the same thoughts too just as like them, that I am a strong person, that I can outshine whatever rocks life would throw at me, that I can beat life’s game and by that, I can be a winner, but no, because the sad realization is I am not that strong and I think, I can never be. Fears like losing someone you valued too much eats me up, even the mere thoughts of it already feels like there’s a stabbing pain in my chest, like it was damn real. I don’t think I can handle the truth if ever.
Selfish as it may sound but I would rather lose my life and leave those precious people behind than losing them in front of me with the sad reality of them for not coming back, I mean, like literally, only because they no longer can. I don’t want to be the one who is left out because seriously, who wants to be left behind? I don’t want to be freaking alone! If I could trade my life to the people I love so much then I would. I don’t want to see them lying in that goddamn coffin, not because I am afraid of their corps, they’re lovely, but because of the truth that they can no longer here with me even if they badly want to.
I don’t think I can accept the truth if ever, I mean, wholeheartedly. I remember my computer class teacher way back in high school told us about losing people, he told us that instead of being sad because of our lost, we should be happy and let go of them. His reason was, has a point too I guess, God already took their life because it is their time already, and by that, they can be happy for real. But no, after hearing those things, I couldn’t still think that I can handle that lost. I am a sadist person, maybe, but well, that’s the truth then. I am afraid of losing people, I am afraid tears couldn’t wash away the pain, that even time, as what the always say, can’t heal the wound.
