idiots in love

Sebastian missed Caleb day and night.  He’d been doing well for himself at school, making friends, learning how to live on his own, starting to get over the terrible experience of living with his dad, and things were leagues better than they had been back in Manistee, but there was one pivotal piece of his life that he craved: the embrace of his boyfriend, talking with him, being around him. He loved him--ached for him.

They talked over skype at least a couple times a week, but with the thick of midterms approaching and Seb having to buckle down and focus on school (plus, having the disadvantage of not being a native French speaker--Seb was still good at school, but he still definitely had to try harder), he hadn’t been able to talk to Caleb for over a week. He didn’t expect he’d be able to until after mid terms were over either; their sleep schedules were just too different now.

He’d send little messages to Caleb over Whatsapp, little hearts and “I’m thinking about you”s, and video messages over skype as well, just to know that Caleb was in his thoughts. Caleb would send his fair share too, and it always made Sebastian grin when he’d check his phone and see a new little message from the man.

Still--he missed him. It was especially bad on nights like these, where he’d find himself sexually frustrated. He’d had to become good at jerking off since going off to college, which was kind of unfortunate but it was what had to happen. But nothing could ever sate him like the hands of his boyfriend could. But his hand would have to do.

On this particular night, though, Seb was practically going crazy, almost to the point of tears. He was painfully horny. his wasn’t the first time he’d felt this way, and usually, he’d just jerk off and go to sleep disappointed. But tonight he had an idea.

One of Seb’s little kinks, even when they were together, was Caleb watching him perform sex acts on himself, seeing the fire in Caleb’s eyes, watching what he could do to the man just by having him watch him. And even though he wasn’t present so Seb could see the man’s undoing in the flesh, he could still perform a little bit.

Never pausing to wonder if this was totally stupid, Seb spent over an hour designing the lighting in his dorm as well as trying to find a good camera angle to shoot from. He didn’t want it to look like a shitty cam video, he was a little classier than that (he hoped), and he wanted to give Caleb something that had some replay value, at least until they could see eachother again during the summer.

Finally, he got everything into place: his laptop at a somewhat higher angle, looking down on his bed which was shed in warm, slightly dimmed light from his lamp (though not dim enough that you couldn’t see anything). Seb made himself a plan about what he would do in the video and reviewed it several times, knowing he’d probably abandon it at some point and go with the flow, but still. He then stripped down to his underwear--a pair of short, navy blue boxer briefs--ruffled his hair, and bit his bottom and upper lip a little bit to get them looking reddened and plump, before hitting the record button on his computer.

“Hi, puppy,” Seb said with a little smile, only his head and shoulders visible, “I miss you so much. I was going kinda crazy tonight…” He laughed a little bit, looking down.

“This is kinda dumb,” he said, “But I wanted to make you a video that you could, uh. Enjoy. I dunno. I’m just messing around. I set up lighting and stuff though, so I hope it’s not totally lame otherwise that was a waste.” He giggled a little bit. Even if he was talking to a screen at the moment, it was like Caleb was there--he could hear his laugh and see his smile in his head.

“I know we haven’t been able to talk recently, but hopefully that’ll change soon. And hey, your parole is almost up so soon you’ll be actually able to come here.” Sebastian beamed at the mere thought.

“Which is really good, for like, a lot of reasons, but one in particular tonight because I’m really fucking horny,” He laughed at his own crass verbage, mussing his bangs up a little bit, “And it sucks because you aren’t here.”

Seb backed up finally, showing that he was only in his boxers and moving to sit on the bed.

“I miss you,” he muttered with a smaller smile, moving his hand up to rub against his lips, “I only think about you when I get this way. About your mouth. And your hands…” Sebastian slowly moved to lay back, semi-parallel to the camera angle, but thankfully it was above him so his whole body was visible and honestly, beautifully lit.

“I don’t ever want anyone to touch me except you,” he murmured with a little smile. He slid his fingers across his lip again before dipping two fingers into the wet heat of his mouth, slathering them up with saliva. his hand slipped down then, to circle at one of his nipples with the newly wetted fingers.

“I miss you teasing my nipples,” Seb huffed, lashes fluttering, “Is that weird? It sends shocks up my spine…” Seb’s breath caught and he closed his eyes--talking like this made him feel like Caleb was there, somehow.

His other hand slipped down to play with the waistband of his boxers for a moment, and he chose not to narrate this bit. Caleb didn’t need to be talked at through it all, and Seb knew it. He continued teasing the reddened peak of his nipple, feeling it harden under the pads of his digits. His other hand slid down to start to rub against his cock through his underwear--he was already at a semi, talking as he was, but he wanted to tease Caleb a bit before the reveal.

“I miss getting high with you, too,” Seb says with a little smirk, “‘Cuz we always end up just grinding until we come. That gets me so hot. Just like, rutting against you, desperate to come, but too lazy to go faster. Fuck.” Seb groaned a little, both at the thought and at the particularly swift swelling he felt in his underwear. His hand moved over to his other nipple now, teasing it to hardness as well.

“That’s the first way you ever made me come,” Seb murmured softly, eyes shutting again, “Turns me on thinking about you over me on your couch…” He bit his lip, stifling another little moan as he swelled again.

“And feeling  your dick, hard against me for the first time… made me dizzy… you’re so fucking hot… ah…” He was near to full hardness. but he wanted to keep teasing Caleb--at least for a little while longer.

“Did you like that? Did you like rutting your cock against me? Fucking my hip? Mmm…” Sebastian could feel blood starting to rush to his cheeks. His nipple was starting to numb, so he sent his hand down to squeeze slightly at his thigh.

“I’m so hard right now,” he gasped, and it was true--so true in fact that in the video you could see the pre starting to seep through his boxers. He opened his eyes to look at the camera. “You want to see?”

He smirked again, halting his hand from squeezing his cock again. He stood up from the bed and turned around so his ass was facing the camera as he kicked his boxers off, leaving him bare. He smirked at the camera before getting onto his belly on the bed, leaving his cock hidden, but his ass very visible.

“I miss fucking you, too,” Seb whispered, “Even if we don’t do it as much. I like it a lot. I like it when you get all moany, and whiny.” Seb grabbed one of his pillows, stuffing it down between his legs to straddle it.

“Usually when I’m in the mood for that I just fuck my pillow, but it’s really not the same…” Regardless of his words, Seb slowly started to grind on the pillow, hips moving slowly and smoothly. He held himself up on his hands and dropped his head on his shoulders, looking down at the mattress as he slid his cock against the fabric.

“You have the best fuckin’ ass I’ve ever seen,” he gasped, “It’s perfect.” He was leaking onto the pillow but he had to hold out--no way he could come yet. It was way too early. He continued to gyrate his hips on the pillow, smoothly fucking his cock against it with a perfect sway of his hips he knew would drive Caleb crazy. He really did love topping--there were few better feelings than sinking into the silky, tight heat of his boyfriend’s ass. He wished he could truly dominate him--like, throw him up against a wall and take him like Caleb could--but he could still do a lot despite his size and he loved it.

He moaned, loud, thinking about it. “I wish you were here,” he said, though that was more a heat of the  moment phrase than a calculated one, as Seb could feel sweat building on his skin. Eventually he had to slump down, his hips moving on their own accord, fucking the mattress harder. He had to force himself to stop before coming, quickly flipping onto his back and gasping, lying there akimbo for several moments to catch his breath.

He smiled and let out a breathless laugh after a few seconds, pushing his bangs out of his eyes. “I almost came just now,” he said, “That’s what the thought of your ass does to me.” He laughed again, sliding his hand up and down his chest, careful not to stray too close to his dick. The slightest touch could probably make him come right now, and he had to pull back from the edge. Heart beating in his dick, Seb knew he had to turn attentions elsewhere for a bit.

“And of course I think about you fucking me. Pretty much every day,” he said, looking at the camera again, “I actually, uh. I bought something kind of ridiculous…” He moves off the bed for a moment, offscreen, coming back with a box and sitting on the edge of his bed. From it, he pulls the first vibrator Caleb bought him, a bottle of lube, and a new toy.

“Don’t make fun of the fucking color,” Seb said, feeling himself blush as he pulled out a fairly big dildo, bright blue, with a weight/suction cup at the bottom.

“I’ve grown to love that vibrator but sometimes my wrist gets worn out,” he explains, setting the box on the floor and moving back up on the bed to lie down, looking at the toy, “This is nice because I can like, ride it. So that, paired with that lube that heats up when you rub it on stuff, I mean, it kinda feels like real fucking, so, that’s cool.” Seb laughs, mostly at himself, before setting it aside and grabbing the lube instead, spreading a hearty amount on his fingers.

“I still have to get myself ready though,” he says, moving his hand south, past his cock that was still weeping onto his hip, and circled a finger around his hole. He was starting to get impatient though, so he pushed a finger in to the knuckle pretty quickly.

“Ah,” Seb gasped, starting to slip his finger in and out.

“Miss you fingering me,” he whispered, “Especially after you come in me. Is that gross?” He bit his lip, moving to slowly stretch his hole.

“Maybe the thing I miss most. You coming in me. Making me yours. Don’t… don’t ever want anyone else to,” it’s not long before he adds a second finger, his cock starting to ache for him to get to the main event, despite having come down from the edge.

“Feeling you drip out of my hole. Seeing your face, feeling your hands. Fuck. I’m only yours. Do you like it too? Is that why you finger it back in afterwards? Make me feel all sticky and claimed?” He smiles a little, sliding his fingers quickly across his prostate, just enough to make his cock and breath jump slightly.

“M’your baby,” Seb whispers, repeating himself after: “Only yours.”

He focuses, then, on stretching himself open. His fingers become more and more hasty, and his breath more apparent. His body is starting to flush all over and there’s a small sheen of precome leading from his lower belly down off his hip: his cock has been steadily weeping since he practically started.

Finally he pushes in a third finger, a higher noise lifting from his chest, knees spreading. The camera can see everything: Seb’s fingers pushing in to the knuckle, the sweat on his brow. The laptop the school financed for him had a pretty damn good webcam.

“Fuck,” he whispered, “I need you in me.”

First he took his vibrator, a little smaller than the dildo, slathered it in lube, and clicked it on the lowest setting.

He circled around his hole and gasped, loudly, at the sensation, his cock jumping again. He was focusing pretty hard not to come, but he’d have to keep it up if he wanted to last (and he needed to).

He slowly slipped it in, his hole stretching easily despite how hasty his fingers had been. He squirmed a little, legs spreading wider as the camera caught every inch of the vibrator sinking into Sebastian.

“Motherfuck…” he gasped, before starting to pump the vibrator inside him, his cock still oozing, the glint of his precome visible in the camera.

“D...do you think about fucking me, too?” Seb managed to gasp, looking into the lens, “Do you miss it? Miss how tight I am? How good I feel around your hard cock? Miss feeling me come, just from getting fucked? Ah--shit!”

Before Seb could stop himself he was coming over his belly, dick spurting white so hard it hit the bottom of his chin. Toes curling and back arching, the orgasm hit him like a train out of nowhere, making him moan loudly and gasp (hopefully his dorm neighbors couldn’t hear) into the room. He had to quickly turn the vibrator off to stop himself from yelping louder, pulling it from him and setting it aside as he finally started to settle down.

“Holy fuck,” he gasped, breathless, “I haven’t… I didn’t mean to come. I haven’t come without touching my dick since the last time I was with you…” His lashes fluttered open, and he forced himself to breathe through his nose, feeling his body flush even more.

“Not done yet though,” Seb gasped, “I gotta… take this guy. It’s kinda big. It might be bigger than you but, don’t worry, the real thing it still better. Don’t get jealous.” He laughed, sitting up.

“I’m all shaky, damn,” he said, still slightly breathless as he reached for the lube and his new toy, “Haven’t come that hard in a minute.” He bit his lip as he lathered up the dildo, making sure to use a very generous amount. Afterwards he set it on the bed--it’s heavy enough in the base that Seb can ride it without having to worry about it falling over or slipping away, which is nice. Sex scientists really knew what people needed when it came to toys.

Sebastian turned around so his ass was facing the camera again, positioning himself above the toy. Slowly, slowly, he pushed himself down on it, quiet little moans at the dull pain of stretching escaping him. He grew used to it quickly (he used it kind of a lot), but kept himself seated at the base just to make sure he was good before moving forward.

“I’m oversensitive as fuck, damn,” he whispered, “My dick is still hard though, at least,” he whispered with a smile. If Seb focused enough and was turned on enough, he found that staying hard after coming was definitely possible for him (and shit, was he thankful for it. He didn’t imagine most people with dicks stayed hard like he did).

“Fuck,” escaped his mouth as he started to ride it.

He started shallow at first, pulling up and just gyrating enough for it to tease at his prostate, his cheeks ruddy. Then he started to go deeper, but he kept his pacing slow--each stroke pushed hard against his prostate, making him whine. Tears were starting to form in his eyes as he bucked back, now taking every inch of the dildo that was offered to him, a sick slicking noise accompanying each movement.

“Caleb,” he cried out, his cock starting a steady stream of precome again, dripping onto the mattress as well as smearing against his tummy, “Fuck me, puppy, fuck…”

That was less for the camera and more in his own head now--he found himself saying things like that even when he wasn’t on camera. He was just lost in the fantasy of his boyfriend now, and pretending he was here with him. Imagining his strong hands bruising Sebastian’s pale hips with the strength of his grasp as he fucked him, deeper, harder, perfect, again, and again, and again. Stretching Sebastian open, squeezing his ass, brusing his neck with kisses and hickies, holding him tight as he claimed every inch of him.

As Sebastian took the dildo harder, he found his cries getting louder too--so much so that he had to keel over and moan into the mattress as he desperately fucked himself onto the warm silicone.

“Come in me, I need it…” he moaned, “I need it.”

Finally he was pushing himself down to the root of the dildo, ass shaking slightly as he moaned into the pillow. He took it again, and again, each stroke pushing hard against his prostate, making his toes curl and his cock weep.

“Make me fuckin’ come,” he whined, and like clockwork, he pushed himself all the way to the root of his toy and came, his dick oozing out come. It wasn’t like earlier, when it had come in short spurts. Now it was hard and steady, and Seb had to flip onto his back, dildo still in him, to prevent most of it from getting all over his bed.

The white substance spread up his stomach before spilling off the side in little globs, Seb on the edge of tears as his body pulsed and twitched with the force of his orgasm, nerves hot and causing him to shake.

“Caleb,” he whined again, grabbing his dick finally to jerk himself off and expel the remaining come, gasping for breath as his hips ground up and down, dildo still buried deep inside him.

It took maybe minutes for him to come down, but when he did, he pulled the dildo out with a whine, his hole flexing a little before relaxing, his dick finally starting to soften. He released the sheets and let his limbs relax, just laying there for another minute or so as he got his breath back after having come twice in less than probably forty-five minutes.

Finally his eyes opened and he wiped whatever bare hints of tears there might’ve been, smiling at the camera.

“I miss you,” he said, though this time it wasn’t lustfully-driven, just honest and loving, “And I love you so much.”

He lifted himself to his feet hesitantly, approaching the computer. The sexual exhaustion and satisfaction was clear on his face, from the remaining blush to the red of his lips caused by lip-biting, and the bit of sweat on his brow, and his tousled hair.

“I’ll talk to you later, puppy,” he said, still slightly breathelss, “Wish me luck on midterms. I love, love, love you.” He spent several moments just smiling at the camera before looking away, biting his lip bashfully. He looked up again with baby blues, and smiled through the lip bite.

“Bye, puppy…” were his final words before hitting the “end record” button.

Sebastian probably should've felt bad for all this. It was irresponsible, and it was an asshole move—it was disrespectful, and if he kept it up, then people were really going to get hurt. Homewrecker. It went through his mind daily. It's what he was, after all. The only upside to any of this was that his boss at least didn't have any kids; Seb was at least a little more sensible than to fuck a guy who was married with kids.

Mr. Curtis was just married. So it was't so bad. At least, that's what he'd think when he was getting dicked down. He'd find just about every possible way to rationalize it. Though for the most part he wasn't even thinking about the fact that he was married. He was just thinking about how good his boss’s cock felt.

It was such a fucking porny setup and Seb almost hated himself for the cliche'd nature of it all. He was the lowly, unpaid intern, just working to pick up some points on his resume to have something a firm might be interested in once he graduated law school. And here was Caleb Curtis, big shot Entertainment lawyer, working for some of the biggest names in Hollywood. Seb had signed an NDA so he unfortunately couldn't talk about all the people he'd seen in the office to his friends—which was really a shame because he'd almost died when Ben Affleck walked through the door exclaiming about how he wanted a divorce.

Mr. Curtis hadn't even looked twice at him but Seb developed a crush almost instantly—who couldn't? The dude wore a different Tom Ford suit every day and had the sexiest shoulder-to-hips ratio this side of Chris Evans. Sebastian could barely breathe whenever the guy entered the room. The first time the man addressed him was when he asked Seb to clean up a water spill and Seb had practically gotten hard on the spot.

After three months they'd spoken again, and Seb was getting cocky—the rest of the interns were in and out because none of them were half up to the standard that Curtis & Jackson had cemented. Seb was good at his job, organized and skillful, a problem-solver. He also didn't back down from a fight and was as confident as an attorney—and in this particular office, he needed to be. Seb had only been there four months by then and already he was the longest-running intern in the history of the firm itself. He was walking through the hallway carrying a stack of files and Mr. Curtis looked twice at him (he never looked twice at anything) and said, “Keep up the good work.” Seb was pretty sure the man didn't even know his name but he felt proud for weeks afterward.

And then another three months—Seb was staying in LA over the summer instead of going back home to Michigan and happy for it, because it meant that he got to work the whole summer at Curtis & Jackson. He had other shit going for him too: A guy he was seeing at the time (an Actor, though by LA definition, the word “actor” was synonymous with “waiter”), friends he'd go out with, et cetera. By then his crush on Mr. Curtis was kind of an obsession, though he never talked about it with anyone. He'd just swoon at work, but then he'd see the massive rock on his ring finger (yes, rich guys wear rocks) which was cause for sigh. But hey, there was nothing wrong with a schoolboy crush, right?

As the summer progressed, Mr. Curtis actually started to talk to Sebastian. As in, more than a few words. It started when he asked where Seb went to school and discovered that they had the same alma mater—Seb couldn't give less of a shit about USC but if it meant he had something in common with his boss, he'd be the biggest Trojans fan ever. He found out the guy played baseball for the school (another cause for swoon since Seb always had a thing for baseball players) and they had some brief conversations about it from time to time. Seb started working later and later because he quickly realized that Mr. Curtis was the last person to leave the office. When everyone else had gone he'd knock softly on the archway to the man's office and ask him if there was anything else he needed (the most loaded remark of all time). Usually Mr. Curtis would send him on his way but sometimes they'd banter, mostly about USC, but by this time Seb had become an expert on college baseball and could recite stats from memory.

It was during one of these late-night office stays that Seb found out about Mr. Curtis' marital troubles, overhearing a conversation he probably wasn't supposed to. The man probably thought he was alone in the office what with the volume he was speaking at. It was all typical rich person shit that made Seb roll his eyes—but it quickly turned on a dime when his boss would act apologetic and sweet, telling her how much he loved her and wanted to fight for their relationship. It made Seb want to gag, but it also showed a sort of human side to Mr. Curtis that Seb didn’t know about. The guy didn't seem very enthusiastic about anything except for college baseball, and now this. Seb slipped out of the office, hopefully without his boss hearing.

Seb's ego started to get to him though, because his night time talks with the man were starting to get more and more familiar, casual. Seb could make him laugh pretty easily, which was nice, and Caleb did the same—honestly. Seb wasn't fake laughing to appease the guy, it was genuine laughter. Like he could've really befriended him if he'd been ten years older.

And slowly, with the increase of his ego and the increase in the intimacy of their conversations, Seb decided to throw more of himself in there: i.e., the ruthlessly flirty and overwhelmingly charming part. The kind that had this actor/waiter guy waiting on his every move and texting him just about every minute of the day (Zane—yes, a stage name—was a nice guy and all, and Seb appreciated his company and the sex, and sure they'd put the “boyfriend” label on each other, but he wasn't all that committed to the relationship—another reason why he was probably an asshole). It was a slow build—he'd just throw in the lightest, lightest comment about how well Mr. Curtis picked his wardrobe—how his tie complimented his eyes. And the occasional comment about how he was kind of into baseball players (Seb had no problems with his sexuality—most people in this city didn't care, either, which was a nice change from fucking Michigan). Things like that. He never actually amped up the sex appeal, because he was more sensible than that. The dude was married. Seb was just having fun, seeing what he could get away with. The kinds of things schoolboy crushes bring out in people. But he wasn't being unreasonable or anything--even if he had his fantasies.

But all of that changed in the course of one night.

It started out the same, like any night after everyone left the office did--Seb gathered up his bag with all his things in it and slowly walked over to Mr. Curtis’ office. It was a fancy office with glass windows and doors that could automatically become tinted with the flick of a switch, and right now they were tinted black. Not unusual--Mr. Curtis liked the semblance of privacy, even when alone. Seb adjusted his tie a little bit (he honestly loved that he had to wear a button up and tie to work, as it gave him a great excuse to wear tight little shirts, and even if the slacks didn’t show his ass off as well as a pair of skinny jeans, they did the job) before approaching the doorway and knocking.

“Mr. Curtis, is there anything more you need from me?” Seb said in a sweet voice (he turned up the coquettish factor a bit, just for the hell of it) as he leaned on the doorway. He had to hold in a sigh at the sight of his boss hunched over his desk. At night he loosened the tie, rolled his sleeves up, not caring all that much about keeping appearances. His hair was a little ruffled from where hands had slid through it in deep thought. The man looked up at him, gaze darker than usual and Seb had to hold his breath.

“You can call me Caleb, you know,” Mr. Curtis said, smirking a bit, “You’ve been working here almost a year, and we chat all the time. No need for formalities.”

Seb batted his lashes, though that was actually subconscious. “I don’t mind formalities,” he said with a little shrug, “I just do it out of respect.”

“Respect,” the man repeated, standing up and circling around his desk, approaching where Seb was leaning on the door, “I respect you. You’re young, hungry. I respect that. Cliche’d as it is, it reminds me of me.” He walked up, dangerously close to Seb, who held his breath for even longer and straightened out his spine. What was happening, Seb didn’t know.

“But, you don’t mind if I call you Sebastian, right?” his boss said with a small grin.

“Not at all,” he responded in a voice smaller than he’d intended.

“And I don’t mind if you call me Caleb,” he said casually, stepping back and heading over towards the bar in his office. Seb tried to release his breath as subtly as he could, “You want a drink?”

Seb raised an eyebrow. “A drink?” he echoed, a little dumbfounded. This was different.

“That’s what I said, isn’t it?” Caleb said, turning to him with a raised eyebrow, “Come on. Take off your bag, stay awhile. Work’s over, anyway. And, this is a 1988 Domaine de la Romanee-Conti. They have unique serial numbers on these bottles, that’s how rare they are. And the corks have markings only visible through ultra-violet light to prevent counterfeits.”

Seb made a sound between amusement and being impressed as he slipped his messenger bag off. “I dunno. Can it stand up to the cabernet the gas station near my apartment sells?” he quipped with a little laugh, “You might be wasting your fancy wine, Mr. Curtis. College students are easily impressed, especially when it comes to booze.”

Caleb turned, opting to sit on his office couch as opposed to his desk chair, setting a stemless wine glass on the table in front of him, swirling another in his hand.

“You’re smarter than that,” the man said with his own laugh. Seb tentatively walked over to sit on the couch, though he kept his distance. He picked up the glass and swirled it himself, giving it a sniff before sipping. It was unbelievable, and Seb’s face gave it away instantly.

“Better than your two-buck-chucks?” Caleb said with what might’ve been perceived as a giggle, in the right situations.

“I… can’t even be coy about that. Yeah, it’s amazing,” Seb said with a laugh.

They chatted for awhile about a variety of things, all the while enjoying the wine. They only had one glass since Caleb noted that he liked to keep it for special occasions (leading Seb to wonder… was this a special occasion?). Seb loosened his own tie after about an hour of chatting and pulled his feet up onto the couch, enraptured by the things Caleb was saying--and amazingly enough, his boss seemed interested in what Seb had to bring to the conversation. Caleb could be intimidating, but he wasn’t inaccessible, and the wine had loosened his joints a bit.

“How’s things with Mrs. Curtis?” Seb decided to ask after a while, feeling brave. Caleb was slumped in the couch a little bit, and he sighed and shrugged as a response.

“Oh…” Seb drolled, with a smirk, “Well. Forget I asked.”

Caleb shook his head. “Marriage is rough. I got married too young, I think,” he said, and already this was too much information than Seb needed, “I think she’s unhappy… I don’t know why. I give her whatever she wants, let her do whatever she wants. I’m not perfect but, she’s not either…”

Seb fell into an uncomfortable silence, regretting asking the question. He was not ready to give marital advice to his boss, also known as the guy he’d had a crush on for months.

“I think… something’s up with her. Maybe she’s cheating on me, maybe not,” he sighed, “I don’t know. This Ben Affleck thing got me thinking about a lot of things. And the whole Sony case is still a fucking catastrophe--lots of stress in my life, unfortunately. It’s on me for taking it all up, but…”

“You want to complain about it?” Seb smirked.

“Yes. I want to fucking complain about it. I don’t know why that’s so unreasonable. I know that I have... “ Caleb sighed, “I know I live a life that a lot of people dream about. But it’s not perfect. And god, sometimes I want to complain without someone telling me I have no reason to. But you have a hot wife, and you’re an overpaid entertainment lawyer. How hard can it be? And the thing is, they don’t even say it. If they wanted to call me out, they should just do it. Or they should let me complain. They shouldn’t be that in-between stage where they want to call me out but are too afraid to.”

Sebastian laughed, out loud, making Caleb’s eyebrows raise. “Something funny?” he challenged. Seb just shook his head, wiping his eyes.

“I don’t feel bad for you,” Seb said, “Sorry, I… I mean, I am really good at sucking up to people. I’m actually kind of amazing at it. Hell, I’ve been in this office for almost a year, so I’d say I should get like, a degree in ass-kissing. But man. That little lament was laughable.”

Seb giggled. “You want people to feel bad for you. As if you don’t get enough in your life, you want pity too,” he continued, shaking his head, “Shit, man…”

Seb continued laughing, and after awhile, Caleb joined in too.

“God, you’re right,” Caleb shook his head, “I’m sorry. Everyone just feels bad for themselves all the time, I think it’s a chronic thing.”

Seb hummed, laying back on the arm of the couch.

“Not me. I don’t feel bad for myself. I am who I am,” he said, “I think I’m terrific.”

“Oh, terrific?” Caleb repeated, amused. Seb looked up, raising a flirtatious eyebrow.

“Yeah. And other people tend to think so, too,” Seb murmured, coy grin on his face.

“I think you’re mercilessly flirtatious, is what you are,” Caleb murmured, moving to take his watch off his wrist. The comment caught Seb off guard--all he could do was spare a half-laugh and reply with, “What?”

Caleb turned his head, lashes low over his eyes as he set his watch to the side. He rested his hand by where Seb’s foot was, and Seb’s eyes flicked to it before looking back up to meet his boss’ gaze.

“You think you’re very sneaky, don’t you?” Caleb murmured, licking his lips, “Well. You’re playing to the wrong crowd. You might be clever to kids your own age, but I’ve been around the block a time or two.”

Seb had no modus operandi other than to play dumb. What was going on?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said--he didn’t mean for it to sound flirty but it was his default tone.

“You do,” was all Caleb said, and the man’s gaze said it all--thankfully there was no dialogue after that and Caleb spared him the lecture. Yeah, Seb had been flirty--he’d worn too tight of pants, batted his eyelashes too much, said the off comment or two about his boss, so on, and so forth. He just thought it went right over his boss’ head. Apparently not. Seb could read that all just from those two words and the way Caleb was looking at him. He relaxed a little--it was all he could do at this point. He’d been caught. However, he never imagined anything like this happening.

“Okay,” he dissented, his own lids lowering as he settled back on the couch more, “I do. But hey, it’s my personality, so don’t think you’re special or anything.”

“I am special,” Caleb responded, and Seb raised his eyebrows.

“You’re egotistical is what you are,” Seb responded with a playful giggle, but Caleb shaking his head silenced him pretty quickly.

“You don’t act this way with anyone else in the office. And there’s absolutely no reason for you to stay late,” Caleb pointed out, lifting a hand and rolling it softly up Seb’s shin. Woah. What?

He swallowed, trying to strategize his next move as carefully as he could. This was going somewhere--he hadn’t expected it to but here it was. The bridge was before him and he had to cross it, one way or another. There was a tiny part in the back of his head that said don’t do this, you’ll regret it, but it was largely muffled by the part of Sebastian that told him to roll with it.

“There is a reason,” Seb said, sitting up properly and slowly, setting one foot on the ground, the other tucked beneath his leg. Caleb pulled his hand away just as slowly, instead resting it up on the arm of the couch, his body language open. He laughed after a moment, though it was more of a chuckle, low, under his breath mostly. His eyes didn’t part from Seb’s face for a second--meanwhile Seb was looking all over the place.

“You’re bad,” Caleb murmured, moving closer.

“That’s what I’ve been told,” Sebastian responded. The man has a wife.

“Oh? What else have people told you?”

Seb shrugged, a playing-innocent look on his face, “It’s no fun if I tell.”

Caleb shook his head, rolling his eyes. “I’m too old for these games,” he said with a sigh, and before Seb knew it, Caleb was pulling him forward by his little tie into a kiss. It was desperate, heated, and it took Sebastian a moment to catch up--though he still didn’t realize any of this was actually happening. What the fuck?

Yet he returned it eagerly, tongue slipping against Caleb’s lip as he felt the other man’s brush his own. He scooted closer and closer to him, allowing Caleb to wrap an arm around him, big hand resting on the small of his back. Seb wrapped his arms around Caleb’s neck as they pulled deeper and deeper, almost getting lost in the haze before Seb forced himself to pull back.

“Woah--fuck. Okay… what’s happening,” he had to say, though he was out of breath and thus it caused it to come out in more of a whisper, “Is this really happening?”

Caleb just nodded, nose brushing up against Caleb’s. “You torture me,” he admitted, though it was not as sexy as it could’ve been and actually read more as sad--but Seb didn’t mention that.

“Torture…”

Caleb nodded. “I feel like I’m in high school and I want to impress the cool kid. Hence that fucking five thousand dollar bottle of wine. And you’re what, twenty-two?”

“Twenty-three,” Seb corrected, and Caleb sighed.

“Not much better,” he murmured.

“You torture me too,” Seb murmured, “I don’t even fucking like baseball.”

Caleb laughed a bit before kissing Seb again, and this time he fell into it easier. Now the fact that Caleb had a wife wasn’t even in Sebastian’s mindhouse. The only thing that was in his mindhouse was pulling Caleb over him, which was exactly what he did. Seb moaned a little into Caleb’s mouth before the man pulled away to kiss down his jaw and onto his neck, his lips harsh on his skin, almost biting at him with the desperation he had. Seb was just as frenzied, however, as he pulled carelessly at the man’s probably-very-expensive shirt.

Bucking his hips up, Seb gasped for a breath when Caleb’s mouth hit a sensitive spot beneath his ear.

“Fuck,” Caleb whispered against Seb’s pale skin, “Let me touch you? God, I wanna touch you…”

“Yes,” Seb consented immediately, loosening his tie. Caleb was quick to untuck Seb’s shirt--it all happened so fast that Seb couldn’t even keep track of what was going on. Before he knew it Caleb’s hand was down the front of his pants, palming at his cock through his tight little boxer breifs. Caleb moaned, and Seb did too, his legs opening wider for easier access.

He whined a pathetic noise as Caleb jerked him to full hardness, his head spinning with how quickly he’d gotten an erection. Fucking Zane could barely pull it off with his mouth sometimes. Caleb pushed Seb’s shirt up to reveal the pale skin of his nearly-toned abs, just on the barrier between skinny and skinny-fit. Caleb pulled back to look as he pulled Seb’s cock out from his underwear and slacks, leaving him partially undressed under the man, lying akimbo on the couch. Seb looked up at him with helpless lust.

“Gorgeous,” Caleb practically growled, eyes swallowing Seb whole as he started jerking him off slowly. Seb’s breath caught and he whined once the man started working him, hips twitching and eyes fluttering, entire body turning red.

“Yeah?” Seb replied in a whiny tone, biting his lip after.

“Can’t wait to see how you look when you come,” Caleb murmured, working Seb harder--fuck.

“Well, you won’t have to--fuck--” Seb cut off mid-sentence, pleasure flooding his body just as his flush did, “You won’t have to wait long…”

Caleb leaned down to bite a kiss to Seb’s mouth--more bite than kiss, honestly. Seb flooded little provocative noises into the man’s mouth, his body starting to tense up. Really Sebastian? That quick? he thought to himself, Can’t you enjoy this for awhile more?

The answer was no, because Sebastian groaned out an even longer noise that signified his impending orgasm. His hips bucked up to fuck his cock into Caleb’s large fist, already sticky with precome. Caleb sat back to focus on jerking him, free hand sliding up to toy with Seb’s nipple, making him cry out again.

“Agh--fuck--oh--fuck--”

“Yeah,” Caleb grumbled, licking his lips, “Fuckin’ come for me… good boy…”

The nickname made Seb’s whole body shiver before he busted, come splashing all over his belly and Caleb’s hand. His eyes watered from how quickly things had escalated, gasping for breaths to keep his heart from overbeating. Caleb worked him through his orgasm and even past, to the point where his body became twitchy and oversensitive, yet he loved every second of it as he cried out libidinous sounds until he couldn’t anymore. Caleb licked Seb’s come from his hand before leaning over to clean up his stomach too, making sounds burble and die in Seb’s throat.

“Jesus christ,” Seb gasped after a moment, and Caleb nodded.

“Yeah,” was all the man said--but that wasn’t enough for Sebastian.

The boy sat up,sliding down to the ground and pulling Caleb’s legs on either side of him.

“What are you doing…” Caleb asked, and Seb shot him an unimpressed face.

“Don’t be fucking daft,” Seb said with a restless yet sexed out smile, “I’ve wanted your dick in my mouth since I saw you, practically.”

Caleb leaned back, sending a hand through Seb’s soft blonde locks. “Yeah,” he said, “Right… okay… yeah…” Caleb’s hand slipped down to cradle Seb’s face for a moment before his thumb swiped Seb’s lip, “Show me what your little mouth can do, baby…”

Seb’s eyes glossed over even more at the nickname--fuck. This had escalated so unbelievably quickly and the student didn’t know if he would be able to process any of it once it was done. Seb nodded and moved to mouth against Caleb’s crotch softly, seeing the way his boss bit his lip to stifle a noise. Seb made quick work of unzipping and pulling Caleb’s pants down a little bit, eyes hungry at the sight of Caleb’s boxer briefs and--fuck. Okay. That was a nice dick. Maybe it was just the outline, but it was enough.

“Haven’t…” Caleb’s shy tone pulled Seb out of it for a moment, “Haven’t been blown in awhile.” The comment might’ve made Seb sad if he’d been thinking properly. Instead he just smirked.

“Do whatever you want,” Seb murmured before he pushed his lips against the thick outline of Caleb in his underwear, squeezing his lips just where the man needed it.

“Ugh,” Caleb sighed, his head tipping back to rest on the couch as his fingers slipped through Seb’s hair again, pushing him harder on his cock. Good--he was needy. Seb liked a guy who was needy, especially needy for him.

“Yeah?” Seb teased with a grin, hands sliding up to snap at the waistband of Caleb’s breifs, “You want me?”

“Fuck you,” Caleb said with a laugh, “Ego.”

Seb giggled a little bit before pulling Caleb’s underwear down next, sighing sweetly as Caleb’s cock slapped against his hip. His hand went for it instantly--he really wasn’t into playing the teasing, patient game right now. There would be time for that later (hopefully?). Seb worked the man, marvelling at his size.

“Fuck you have a nice cock,” Seb said, and Caleb huffed a sound of amusement.

“Glad it’s up to your standards,” he murmured, but he cut off into a whine as soon as Seb launched his tongue forward to lick up the base of it, lathering him up with saliva. From then on Seb’s focus was wringing similar noises out of his boss, just to see if the guy was capable of making them.

Seb popped his lips around the tip of him, teasing him with little licks and kisses, but not for too long, because he wanted nothing more than the hot weight in his mouth, the feeling of swallowing everything Caleb wanted him to take.

He popped off for a moment to speak.

“Feel free to, y’know,” Seb paused, licking his lips, “Use me.”

Caleb huffed, aghast, and nodded, lashes fluttering down at Seb.

“Right,” was all he murmured, and Seb smirked before popping his lips around the man again and pushing down, so hard that he could’ve sworn the air was sucked out of Caleb at the same time. Seb settled into a little stride, pushing his lips up and down as much of Caleb as he could take while his hand worked the rest, both of his cock and the guy’s balls, feeling them to stimulate Caleb further.

He was enthusiastic and swirled and pressed his tongue hard along the dorsal vein of the man’s cock, pulling off to gasp for a breath, cheeks flushed after a moment. Caleb’s grip in his hair tightened and pulled him back towards it, surprising Seb--he didn’t think the guy would actually go for it. People didn’t tend to be so assertive with Sebastian.

But here Caleb was, as he brought his other hand to Seb’s head as well, guiding him down onto his cock as Seb took it, swallowing in a timely fashion.

“Fuck yeah, baby,” Caleb spewed to the open air of his office, Seb’s slurping noises the only other sound in the room. Seb hummed a little to send extra vibrations though the man.

Caleb got rougher with him as time went on--he had a lot better endurance than Seb had, clearly. Seb looked up at the man through his lashes as he twisted his head and hand, working him harder, better, the sound of Caleb’s moaning giving him life at the moment.

“Lil more,” Caleb grumbled, fucking his hips up to slide deeper into Seb’s throat, which caught him off guard initially (he didn’t think he’d ever sucked a cock this big), though he got into the groove pretty quick.

“M’gonna come in your mouth, is that okay?” Caleb huffed, his own cheeks flaring red. Seb hummed a noise that resembled “mm-hmm” and nodded as much as one could with a dick in their mouth. Caleb moaned a fuck up at the ceiling again as Seb started to work faster, wanting so badly to impress him it was kind of pathetic, honestly.

Finally he could feel Caleb starting to tense up, both his body and the way his fingers knotted in Seb’s hair. His breathing became labored and Seb knew the man was close, so he pulled out all the stops and opened his throat to take him all the way to the root, swallowing dutifly around him and stirring the man to come.

The guy practically exploded, literally and figuratively, as he cursed to the ceiling and came down Seb’s throat. Seb could handle it for the first few moments, working Caleb’s dick hard with his tongue as the man’s hips jerked, but after a moment Seb choked and had to pull off, a line of spit connecting his lower lip and Caleb’s dick.

Seb looked up at Caleb with watery eyes and come around his mouth, breathing heavily as Caleb released his hair and rolled his head to look down at him.

“Fuck,” Caleb groaned, pulling Seb up by his tie again, “Cm’ere…”

Their lips crashed together, Caleb cleaning the rest of his spent come around Seb’s rosy mouth. Seb moaned again as his tongue pushed between Caleb’s lips, tasting him and practically tongue-fucking him as he hugged him tight, eyes squeezing shut.

scrap 14/∞

Slowly, Seb tries to get into the swing of things at home. Zach and Sydney are nice enough to give him the spare room to their apartment, and even though all Seb wants to do right now is go and be alone, he knows that’s the worst possible thing for him. They do too. Besides, he’s been alone enough the past five years; the last thing he needs is more alone time.

He fills his days babysitting Grayson; Sydney’s glad for the days off. The kid’s about one and cute as a button, with the same big blue eyes as Seb has. He spends a lot of alone time with the kid, surprisingly enough because he didn’t think he’d ever like babies, but maybe this was just a part of growing up. And currently, he’s the only source of joy in Seb’s life because he does this thing where he giggles when Seb holds his finger to close to his nose--so cute Seb could cry. And he forgets a little bit, because he’s so distracted with wanting to take the best care he can of his nephew that it leaves little room to think about much else. I.E., Caleb.

Thankfully, neither Sydney nor Zach ask about him, and if Sydney talks to him still, she doesn’t let Sebastian know. He’s appreciative for that, despite the last thing he really wants more of right now is time away from Caleb, this is probably the only time it’s actually warranted. But god, if he didn’t miss him when he was travelling, he certainly does now, and it’s almost worse because they’re in the same god damn city. All Seb has to do is take a cab to see the guy.

But he doesn’t. He can’t. Not yet.

Sometimes he’ll send Caleb a text. Just a little “hi” a comment on the weather--nothing too desperate, nothing too deep. All it is is a reminder, at least that’s how Sebastian rationalizes it. A reminder for Caleb that Seb is here, and that he’s thinking about him. There’s never a response, but Sebastian takes a lot of solace in the notification that they’re being read.

▾▴▾

Georgia’s in the middle of wedding planning and Seb is happier right now more than ever that she didn’t name him maid of honor or whatever male equivalent, because it seems like she’s constantly in crisis mode. Seb loves her to death, but there’s no way he’s able to deal with it on a daily basis.

Still, he helps out when she needs it, probably because she trusts his taste. She’s also followed suit with Sydney and Zach in not asking about Caleb, which he’s wildly appreciative of, but all of that crashes and burns one day when Seb’s helping her pick out what shade of white her napkins should be.

“I’m sorry,” Georgia says all of a sudden, tucking her now very long red hair back behind her ear.

“For what?” Seb returns, looking up from the napkins, “They’re your napkins, not mine.”

“For Caleb,” she says, her eyes already glossy, and Seb’s heart beats up into his throat. He shakes his head, looking back down.

“Nothing to be sorry for,” he says, hoping his short tone will end this conversation faster.

“I shouldn’t have told you… about Tessa, it was all speculation, and I should’ve known…” there are tears on her face already. Seb wasn’t angry before at her, he never was. He was never angry at anyone but himself for the whole situation. He supposes he should’ve voiced that sooner, because seeing Georgia cry hurts a lot.

“It’s my fault you guys aren’t…” she starts before breaking off into tears again, picking up one of the napkins for her eyes. Seb says nothing for a moment, just staring down at the table. He’d been home about a month now without seeing Caleb once--it was reminders like this that he could go without.

“Georgia Rose,” Sebastian spoke seriously, amazingly not crying as he looked up, “It is not your fault. Not in the slightest. You were just trying to look out for me. I get it. It’s fine, and you’re a wonderful friend.”

“But it’s not okay,” Georgia says, sobbing, “I try to talk about you with Caleb and he just goes all quiet, and you guys aren’t… and it’s because I opened my dumb mouth, I’m always doing that…”

“Please, Georgia,” Seb replies, almost sternly, “Don’t do this. It’s just making me feel worse for my own actions. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. It’s my fault because of the choices I made, both leading up to you telling me that and following it. It has nothing to do with you. So don’t feel bad about it because like I said, it’ll just make me feel worse.”

Georgia doesn’t reply, just cried into one of her napkins. Seb walks around the table to put an arm around her in a hug.

“Now I feel bad because I’ve made this about me,” Georgia continues, sobbing, and Seb shakes his head, his tone softening significantly.

“It’s okay, George. I love you,” he murmurs, “And I’m glad you’re on my and Caleb’s team. You’re okay.” He cooed a little bit, his own words actually soothing him somewhat. He led them to a bench nearby and sat them down on it, his own heart aching yet again.

They sit in silence for awhile before Georgia’s crying calms significantly, and Seb breaks the silence.

“You’ve seen Caleb, then?” he says in a soft, curious tone, and for a second he feels bad that Georgia always has to be the courier between them, “How’s he been?”

“He’s okay,” she says after a little sigh, huffing an amused noise after, “Still working on that dumb house. It’s shaping up really nice, actually.”

For some reason, the thought that Caleb is still working on the house brings a new light to Seb’s chest--taking into consideration the fact that Caleb had mentioned it had been for Sebastian. If he’s still working on it, then maybe he still cares. But that thought is eradicated when the more logical side of Seb’s brain kicks in and helps him realize that it would be a complete waste of an investment of Caleb were to buy a house, half refinish it, and then get rid of it. Still… a tiny bit of hope remains in him.

▾▴▾

Seb’s been needing to find a place to pick back up with his editorial work and start having a bankroll again as well as have a space to work on what he’d written over the past five years. He’s out scoping out office spaces one day when he remembers that he promised Sydney he’d watch Grayson for the afternoon; he calls her quickly to apologize for the delay and that he’ll be home as soon as he can.

“Don’t, uh, worry about it, Sebastian, we got a sitter. It’s fine,” she insists.

“Absolutely not. Save your money, send them away. I’m coming home right now,” he says, and then the connection’s cut off because Seb had just ducked into a subway. Hopefully she gets the message; if not Seb will just send the sitter home when he gets back to their townhouse and pay for their fees. After all, he’d promised he would watch him--it was kind of shitty of Sebastian to forget in the first place, and he owed it to Sydney.

When he walks in the house, preparing his wallet to pay the sitter for their troubles, the last thing he expects to see is Caleb on the carpet of the living room with the baby, both of them blinking up at him with vacant expressions. It feels like Seb’s been pummelled with a wave, but amazingly enough he holds it together.

“Hi,” he says, in an oddly bright tone before clearing his throat. He probably looks like a deer in the headlights. “Babysitting?”

Caleb nods, looking back down at the baby. “Sydney called me over, asked me to help out. I wasn’t doing anything.” Seb thanked Sydney internally for not telling Caleb that Seb had accidentally forgot that he was on babysitting duty, and not giving Caleb more of a reason to think he was a flake.

“That’s… nice,” Seb murmurs, and in a way he’s almost amused at how small talk this conversation is, though it doesn’t outweigh the part of him that feels like crying at the sight of the man.

“Now that you’re here I guess I can go though,” Caleb says, starting to stand up.

“No!” Seb interrupts, louder than he’d intended. He cleared his throat again. “I mean--no. I… I have to go out again soon anyway. Lease meeting.”

Caleb nods, avoiding eye contact.

“Looking for a place?” Caleb asks, which killed Sebastian, but honestly, everything Caleb did killed him.

“Just an office space.” Despite himself, Seb is so uncomfortable with the thought of looking for a place by himself, because he still has hope that Caleb wants him. A fool’s hope.

“Nice,” Caleb murmurs shortly, his attentions returning to Grayson, and Seb takes that as a cue to leave the room. Once he’s in his bedroom, he takes his bag and his jacket off, trying not to have a panic attack at the thought that Caleb’s in the same house as him right now. He tries to think of things to say, excuses to stay, all sorts of things, and comes up blank, for the most part. All he knows is that he wants to spend as much time with the man as possible and somehow let him know that Seb is here. Permanently. Though he has no idea how to do so in a subtle fashion. It’s like high school all over again, but the feelings are much more drastic now.

Eventually he slips back out into the main room, passing Caleb to head for the kitchen.

“I’m just going to make some coffee before I head out, you want some?” Seb asks politely, still trying to keep his tone as light as possible so Caleb has no indication what a fucking mess he’s been the past month and a half.

“Sure,” Caleb murmurs, and this is Seb’s chance. His change to show that he still is thoughtful, that he still remembers everything about Caleb, that he still remembers everything about the two of them--all in making him coffee the way Seb knows he likes.

He fixes it up all perfect with the exact ratio of cream, sugar, and coffee, and brings two mugs out--one for Caleb, and his own black coffee. Remembering old times.

“Here you are,” Seb says, careful as he hands the coffee off to Caleb, sitting on the couch opposite him. Caleb looks in the cup and Seb’s heart is pounding, blood is racing. I remember, Caleb, Seb wants to shout, See? I remember!

“I, uh,” Caleb murmurs at the cup, “I actually just take it black, now…”

Great.

“Oh,” Seb says softly, “Well, um. We can trade. You can have mine.” Seb hands it off and Caleb takes it, trading the mugs but very deliberate in avoiding touching Sebastian’s hands in the trade off.

“Sorry,” Seb says, “Presumptuous.” His eyelashes flutter and he looks down for a moment at the mug that had previously been Caleb’s, crushed that his little plan didn’t work. Amazing, how such a little thing was so devastating. When he looks up again, he’s surprised to see Caleb looking straight back at him, soft face--the only time they’ve met eyes since when Seb had walked in.

“It’s okay,” Caleb says, his voice ernest and gentle for the first time during this entire situation, the most earnest Seb’s heard in fucking months, and again, Seb feels like crying again. He stares for a moment until he decides it’s not good to stare like this anymore, because his mind’s running and all it’s telling him to do was spout things like I love you, I’ve always loved you, I never want to be away from you. Instead Seb opts to look down at Greyson who was the quietest baby maybe in history.

“You wanna see something cute?” Seb murmurs, slipping off the couch next to Caleb, sitting on his knees beside the older man above the infant. Seb takes his index finger and holds it right in front of Greyson’s face, the baby’s blue eyes crossing for a second, which makes the baby giggle like crazy because of the way his vision had just blurred.

The giggles are contagious, and both Caleb and Sebastian catch them, though they’re far more reserved than the baby’s. Still, it’s nice to laugh again. It’s nice to laugh with Caleb again. After a moment, they both somber a little, and Seb doesn’t dare look over at Caleb in fear of doing something irrational.

“He has your eyes,” Caleb says after a moment, “Kyle blue.”

Seb’s heart hurts and he knows now he has to leave, again, before he does something irrational. Or says anything foolish. It’s right now he realizes just how afraid he is, being right next to Caleb, how much he wants and how much he fears he’ll never have again.

Seb swallows and pulls away, going back to standing, not even picking up his coffee again.

“I should go,” Seb says, heading for the door and his coat. He doesn’t have anything else except his house keys but he needs to get away before he jumps on Caleb and puts too much pressure on him, and himself, and also needs to get away before he starts sobbing again.

Caleb presumably nods. “Have a good meeting,” he says as Seb walks to the doors, “See ya.”

See ya. That means, see you again. Hopefully soon. But maybe Sebastian’s overanalyzing.

“Yeah,” Seb says, clearing his throat one more time and turning to glimpse at Caleb again, who is enthralled with the infant beneath him and the new trick Seb’s taught him, “See ya.”

Seb leaves the townhouse and only makes it to an alley half a block away before he breaks.

And so, here he is.

“Hi,” Caleb says, almost nonchalantly, as if he’d just seen Sebastian yesterday. Seb’s floored; he has no idea what to say, what he could possibly say. On the flight back he’d brainstormed hundreds if not thousands of things, hell, he’s a writer, yet now, at the moment of truth, he’s coming up blank. There are unmistakable tears on Seb’s face, and his chest jumps slightly with labored breaths, but other than that, you’d never know he was crying at all.

“It’s three in the morning,” Caleb picks up the conversation, yawning afterwards.

“I know--I just…” Seb swallows, fucking hard, in order to collect himself. It controls the breathing, but not the wetness of his face. Caleb is entirely unphased. Seb basically had a speech planned out, a whole series of apologies and words he thought would gain some of Caleb’s sympathy, despite knowing full well he probably didn’t deserve it. Full to the brim with I Love You’s and I’m Sorry’s, he’d been ready. But seeing Caleb’s face this way, and knowing what he’d done, made the words crumble.

Caleb yawns again.

“If you don’t have somewhere to stay,” he mumbles, rubbing his eye, the initiation of the sentence making Seb’s heart light up just a little, “You’re welcome to the couch.” Oh.

“Otherwise,” he continues, “I’d like to get some sleep.”

It’s a dagger to the heart and Seb knows he deserves it.

“Yeah, I… I’m at my brother’s,” Sebastian mutters, the fist he has around his suitcase clenching impossibly hard, forcing himself not to sniffle, not to look pathetic, “I just wanted to let you know I was back.”

“Text would’ve sufficed.” Ouch. Not even a phone call, but a text.

“Yeah...” Seb swallows again. Eyelashes fluttering to stop tears.

Silence. Staring. The moment is so charged, Seb could stir the tension with a spoon. Caleb raises his eyebrows at him expectantly, and Seb nods, taking a small step back.

“See you, then,” Seb says, and it’s barely even a whisper. Before Seb’s even turned around, Caleb’s door is closed, and Seb’s just frozen, because that was probably the most painful thing that’s happened to him in his adult life. He stares at the door for a moment, remembering vividly when that door was home to him--now it was just an obstacle.

He sets his suitcase down and reapproaches it with a fist, preparing to knock again, but before his knuckles collide with the door he stops himself. Instead he opens his hand and just lies it across the wood surface, allowing himself to sniffle now, his chest jumping again as tears started up.

He deserves this, he deserves every second of this, He’s the one that left, for reasons that seem so selfish to him now it’s near unforgivable. And he slept with someone else, and he bragged about it, and he deserves this.

Still, it hurts. It hurts so much.

As he cries against the door, he imagines for a fleeting moment that maybe Caleb’s still there, right on the other side of it, doing the same thing.

But real life isn’t a novel.

▾▴▾

It’s not until the next morning that it really hits home for Seb that he should’ve come home far sooner; in his exhausted stupor last night returning to Zach and Sydney’s, all the boxes in the spare room hadn’t even registered to him. As he stares at them after just waking up, he knows exactly what they are; all of his things from Caleb’s apartment. Caleb’s apartment, that he’d never officially signed a lease to, that he’d never paid the rent for, that he’d never done anything to earn himself. It was stupid of him to ever think that it was really his home.

But as that final thought enters his mind, he feels bad for it--he’s projecting and he knows it. Caleb’s reacting like any normal person would react, and even though it fucking hurts, Sebastian has to deal with the mistakes he’s made. Still, it’s going to be hard, and right now, Seb doesn’t honestly know how he can go on living another day. Knowing that Caleb’s in pain, and that he caused that pain. And that Caleb didn’t even want to see him; or at least, that’s how it seemed.

Seb spends several hours in bed just staring at the boxes, all marked so neatly and organized. For a second he thinks maybe Sydney or his brother did it as an afterthought to Caleb bringing it all over, but everything is in Caleb’s handwriting. God, the guy was so fucking cathartic. Seb doesn’t regain his will to live until Sydney enters the room, having made banana pancakes (once again reminding Seb painfully of his mother) and setting the tray down on Seb’s side table before sitting on his bed.

“We’re glad you’re home,” she says, a smile on her face, though it’s sadder than usual.

“Yeah,” Seb mutters, eyes still on the boxes. Sydney follows his line of sight before looking down at her lap for a moment, then waving them off.

“Don’t mind those,” she says, though even she knows the words are pretty empty. Still, it’s the thought that counts. They spend a few moments in silence and avoided gazes before Sebastian sighs.

“I messed up pretty bad,” he says, blinking, “And before you ask--no, you don’t wanna know. Though you could probably guess.”

“You guys will work it out,” is all Sydney says in response, grabbing one of Seb’s hand. Seb, the cynic, tears almost in his eyes, scoffs.

“You don’t really know that,” Seb returns, blinking to reduce the chance of actually crying.

“I do, actually,” she stubbornly responds, squeezing his hand, “Because I saw you two fall in love. I saw it. And...” Sydney breaks off, closing her eyes in what appears to be her own effort in avoiding tears.

“And the love you have isn’t the kind that ends.”

Seb’s weak at that, and he frowns deeply as he feels the wetness rush his eyes, squeezing them shut. God, he’s so fucking tired of crying. He grits his teeth, swallows, and tries to contain it as much as possible.

“And besides, what couple doesn’t have rough bits,” Sydney says, sniffling a bit herself as she squeezes Seb’s hand again, “Just look at me and your brother, when I ran off to Rhode Island for six months.”

Seb nods, squeezing her hand. She knows she has a point. But still, that was six months. This was five fucking years; and neither Sydney nor Zach had cheated on each other. He couldn’t bring himself to respond verbally, however, his breath just hiccuping. Sydney stays there for awhile with him, not saying anything, which he deeply appreciated. When Seb finally composes himself, he sighs deeply. She lifts a hand to his bangs, smoothing over his forehead.

“Eat your breakfast, please,” she requests, before standing up, and even though Seb’s nowhere near hungry, he knows he has to, “And when you’re done, come out into the living room. I know someone who wants to meet his uncle.”

Morning came and Seb could barely remember what happened last night--only that he’d been drunk, hooked up with someone, and had called Caleb to rub it in. None of those things were particularly good, and the splitting headache he woke up with didn’t help either. He looked over at the clock and groaned when he saw it was almost 3 pm. The shower was running, which explained why Fredrick wasn’t beside him upon waking.

Struggling, Sebastian reached to his side table to grab his blackberry, not expecting anything more than he’d gotten the past few months: the occasional text from Sydney, Georgia.

However, he sat up sharply in bed as he saw a stream of about 5 messages from Caleb, all sent right after Seb had left to go to the bar. They all said the same thing, “CALL ME,” and Sebastian’s stomach dropped. After Seb had called him last night with Fredrick, there were no more texts.

Feeling queasy, Sebastian dialed Caleb’s number. It was ten or so in New York. It rang once. Twice. And for the first time in months, Seb prayed for it to go to voicemail. And for the first time it months, it didn’t.

“Sebastian.”

Seb could throw up just at the sound of the man’s voice.

“Caleb--I… you didn’t answer last night…”

“I was sleeping. Thought you might’ve been too, when I called you back.”

Seb didn’t know what he could say.

“I’m… I’m so--” he began, before being cut off by Caleb.

“And I didn’t pick up your first calls because you didn’t accuse me of seeing someone until the last one.”

Seb didn’t like where this was going.

“It wasn’t… an accusation. Georgia told me…”

“I know what Georgia said. I know what Llewyn said. I just talked to her earlier, actually. Llewyn is full of shit, by the way, as usual,” Caleb’s voice was grumpy, to say the least, and while Seb hoped it was just directed towards Llewyn, he knew that wasn’t the case. The man sighed on the phone, and Seb was already crying, but he was trying not to make it audible by holding the receiver as far from his mouth as he could.

“I’m not seeing anyone, Sebastian,” Caleb sighed again, thickly, his voice filled to the brim with nothing but pure anguish, “Tessa was my fucking therapist. We started hanging out when I stopped seeing her professionally, and she was helping me out with painting my house. I’m not…” The man cut himself off, and it was apparent to Seb that he was on the verge of tears himself.

“We are friends. That’s it. I was… getting the house ready for you. As an apology for ignoring you. Though I was hoping me ignoring you would make you come home faster,” the man was crying now, and the anger in his voice had just turned into full-on despair, “I guess that plan backfired on me.”

Seb was sick to his stomach before, but that paled in comparison to the way he was feeling now.

“Caleb, I… I’m…”

“I don’t want to talk,” Caleb huffed, “I just wanted to let you know. Have fun with… Francis… Fredrick… whatever.”

Click.

Sebastian dropped the phone, hands shaking. What had he done. Jesus christ what had he done.

He sat there for he didn’t know how long, until Fredrick snapped him back into reality by walking back into the bedroom.

“Morning! That was the best night I’ve had in awhile--I wish I would’ve known you were awake, I might’ve asked you to join me in the shower--”

“Get out,” was all Seb said, barely remembering to speak in French.

“What--”

“Get OUT!” Sebastian yelled, tossing pillows at him and his clothes and whatever else. The guy was in a towel, so it probably wasn’t polite to  force him into the hallway but Seb couldn’t give a fuck if he tried. He stood, throwing more things.

“Get out, get out, GET OUT,” he punctuated each toss until the man floundered out of the room, Seb slamming the hotel room door after him and collapsing against it in a pool of tears.

It was time to go home.

◆ ◈ ◆

They stumbled back to Sebastian’s hotel, maybe-Francis giggling like an idiot. The liquor had loosened him up a hell of a lot, and he seemed downright excited to get it on with another guy. He also seemed interested in the revenge-fuck game, as Seb had splurged a bit about Caleb--about how mad Sebastian was with him finding someone else. Maybe-Francis sympathized, and once back in the hotel, Seb got to work undressing him, but not kissing him--he was really adverse to that for some reason. Instead Seb ran his hands down the front of the man’s shirt, who giggled in response.

“Ticklish,” maybe-Francis hummed drunkenly, and Seb shook his head to get Caleb out of it.

“Why don’t you kiss me?” maybe-Francis pouted, and Seb just responded by smirking and shaking his head, popping the buttons on his shirt open. Maybe-Francis was affronted though, and grabbed Seb’s hands.

“You think about your ex too much--”(god, it seemed way too early for Seb to start referring to Caleb as his ex, plus no shit he thought about him a lot, Caleb was the love of his fucking life who'd crushed him)--”Kiss me.”

Seb looked at maybe-Francis for a very fleeting vulnerable moment before giving in, chasing his mouth. There was nothing soft about the kiss though, just mashing and gaping with any lack of real intimacy. Seb was drunk. He didn’t actually care about maybe-Francis, and he doubted the man cared about him. This was all just an exercise in Sebastian proving to himself that people could still want him, too, the way people wanted Caleb. The way he wanted Caleb.

Maybe-Francis growled and pulled away from Seb with a grin.

“You should call him. Rub it in his face,” he said, which was a horrible idea, but unfortunately Seb’s ego and drunkenness were taking over. Seb nodded, stumbling over to where he’d tossed his phone, taking no notice of the five missed messages and instead just rang up Caleb.

“Do you know English?” Seb mumbled, grinning--it felt kind of good to be bad again. He’d been a handful in his early college years, he knew that much about himself. As soon as he met Caleb he’d turned soft as butter, but not now. Maybe-Francis shook his head and Seb instructed him to just say hi when Seb gestured. Unsurprisingly, Caleb’s ringer went straight to voicemail. It was getting late in New York, as it was almost 5 am in Paris.

“Hiii, Caleb. It’s me again. Hey don’t worry about that stuff I said earlier, yooou do you. I’ll do me, too… or actually, I’ll have Francis--is that your name?” Seb asked the man in French.

“Fredrick!” the man corrected, rather loudly, though thankfully he didn’t seem offended.

“Right, Fredrick. He’s actually gonna do me. Say hi, Fredrick.”

“Bon soir!”

“Hope you’re having fun with your new girlfriend, puppy. Bon soir indeed.”

He hung up, tossed the phone aside with a giggle, and lunged for Fredrick’s mouth again, falling on the bed.

Sebastian walked through the city, doing his best to avoid any spots he’d visited with Caleb, which was hard; the two had come here a lot. Thankfully he knew his way around and outside the city pretty well. He ended up at some bar, despite already having been a little tipsy--just some dive, full of Parisian locals that were nowhere near like the people Seb saw in the tourist centered places. He sat at the corner of the bar, ordered a drink, and thought about Caleb (could he think of anything else?), a myriad of situations with him and his new girl--whoever she was--entering and exiting his brain, each more imaginative than the other.

How had they met? Had he courted her? Or she him? Had Caleb told her about Sebastian? Did he tell her how betrayed he felt? Had she been there for him when he needed it most? Seb got sick again just thinking about it.

He was distracted, finally, by a man coming to sit beside him.

“Did someone stand you up too?” he asked in French, “You look depressed.” Sebastian looked up at him and his eyebrows raised a little; he was a handsome guy, a little on the pale side with brown hair, but bright green eyes that Sebastian couldn’t help but think looked like…

“Something like that,” Seb replied in his own French, sipping on his drink, tearing his eyes away from the man.

“Women,” the man said with a sigh, “They love you and they leave you.”

Sebastian scoffed.

“Not just women,” he mumbled, shaking his head. A look of surprise came across the man’s face and he blushed--it might’ve been cute, if Seb were paying any attention.

“Ah, you are… sorry. That was presumptuous,” the guy scrambled, looking embarrassed and trying to hide it behind his drink.

“It’s fine,” Seb continued to mumble, looking into his already-empty glass. He was drunk, no doubt about it. The two of them spent a bit talking, despite the conversation being sparse on Sebastian’s end. The man--who’d introduced himself, but Seb had pretty much instantly forgotten his name (It might’ve been Francis?)--had set up some kind of date with this girl here, but she’d subsequently not shown up after he’d waited two hours. Seb thought that was kind of pathetic, honestly, waiting that long, until it became clear to him that maybe-Francis was looking for some kind of compensation.

“Too bad there aren’t any women in this bar,” maybe-Francis mumbled, looking around. Seb’s eyebrows crossed, and he got to thinking rather drunk and rather inconceivable thoughts. He cleared his throat after sipping his drink, switching on the seductive side of him, despite the fact that Sober Sebastian would’ve never done so.

“Have you ever been with a man?” Sebastian queried, eyelids lowering as he looked over maybe-Francis’s face, which turned red quite quickly at his words. He was younger than Sebastian, maybe twenty-five or so, though maybe-Francis probably couldn’t tell (Seb had always looked far younger than his age).

But, jesus--twenty-five? That was how old Seb had been the last time he’d been with Caleb. Had the wedding really been three years ago?

“Ah, in college,” maybe-Francis’s response pulled Sebastian out of his head, “I… was, once with a man. I um, I was the aggressor, if that’s the right word.” Seb snickered a little bit.

“The aggressor. Right. Did you like it?”

Maybe-Francis shrugged sheepishly. A cheshire grin pulled across Seb’s face. This was fun. He hadn’t flirted this way in ages, not with someone so reserved. And I thought Europe was so open, Seb thought to himself, amused. His mind flicked back to before he’d met Caleb, and all the different people he’d loped with.

“I’ve been told I’m a good lay,” Sebastian went on, nonchalantly, looking back ahead, “I’m pretty flexible.” Sebastian shamed himself for that line. He used to be good at this whole seduction thing. He was good at it before Caleb because he’d been more clever back then, and he was good at it with Caleb because he knew what pushed the man’s buttons. Now, here he was, back with a stranger and sounding an awful fool. However, his eyes flicked back to maybe-Francis’s and noticed that the man was actually registering his words, and dare he say it, considering them.

“Is that so?” maybe-Francis responded, his cheeks reddening even more. Seb smirked his coy little smirk, flicking his hair to the side. He liked this. Liked the attention. Seb’s thirst for attention had always been one of his pitfalls.

“I don’t know,” Seb mumbled, finishing off his drink again, “Are you drunk enough to find out?”