Cake and Leave

Okay, not to be overdramatic but this is one of those things that makes me feel so in awe and in love with people. OP spent their time making this?? And it's delightful?? And full of compassion and curiosity about strangers on a hellsite. Take what you need, take a breath, enjoy this shared moment of human experience. I did. 💜

This will always be peak humor to me

crying

i’m gonna read all of these in a really dramatic voice, you just wait

[id: a collection of icons of Google apps, with the first letters swapped: Toogle Granslate, Doogle Grive, Poogle Glay, Moogle Gaps, Noogle Gews, Schoogle Golar, Doogle Gocs, and Hoogle Gangouts. /end id]

really inconvenient that i can’t shapeshift

some days i just want to transform into an eldritch horror whose form doesn’t adhere to this universe’s laws of physics, other days i just want my hair to be a bit longer. that’s how it is

My entire life condensed into one sentence.

everyone else is like "oh we gotta stay inside the most secure places possible and never leave" and I'll be storming through the wastelands in my bloodstained suit of armor, blasting the Doom (2016) OST and plowing my way through waves of the undead. one of them tries to bite me but his shitty rotting teeth don't even leave a dent in my armor before I turn his head into paste. I'll be unstoppable until I die of dehydration or something like an idiot

i should have acted out in school more none of the consequences mattered actually 

i think about this too often

it is always hilarious to me that hermione managed to go 7 books with a reputation as a goody two shoes. all the school rules she’s broken…heck all the international wizarding laws she’s violated….kept a person in a jar for a year

As a straight A student with a reputation as a goody two shoes, I cannot begin to tell you the shit I got away with.

Being known as the quiet rule-abiding kid gave me a free shot at electrocuting my entire physics class because no one thought I’d do it

My uncles used to say about my aunt that if the teachers heard a gunshot and ran into the room to see her standing over the still-twitching body of a classmate holding a smoking gun in her hands, they would have said, “Erica! Don’t touch that! There might be fingerprints!”

My Grandma worked toll booths and one time a guy came through being really rude and she called him a stupid bimbo and he went over to the office to complain and her manager called in her booth asking if she called the guy a bimbo and she said “Me?? I would never” and her manager said “See I knew you wouldn’t, that’s exactly what I told the guy. Donna would never say something like that. Sorry to bother you”

This started somewhere very funny and ended somewhere very serious. 

im smart passing but internally im actually a real dumb bitch

why do u think u know me i don’t even know me

someone: you’re like an open book! me: what does the pages say

anybody else ever think about how fucked up the phrase “earn a living” is? like that’s how we talk about working. we have to “earn a living” doing something. our life has to be earned through the sale of our time and energy. our existence (and only that! nothing more!) has to be earned by offering it up as a commodity. capitalism fuckin blows dude