broken | heartless

i don't think there is anyone that exists that can actually handle me. maybe people just weren't designed for it. every time my spouse comforts me over some manic episode regarding my body and the dysmorphia i see/feel/touch, i can feel it withering away at our relationship.

when it comes to my personal life, sometimes all i feel is numb. i feel like there's a lot to carry and a lot to help others carry. it feels like i carried in too many grocery bags at once, leaving my arms feeling like jello. it's every day. no rest. if it's not that, then it's this.

at the same time, im honored that people think of me as someone who can handle all of it. im honored to be a haven for others. all i have ever wanted to do was to help everyone with everything.

but when the day comes to an end, that honor i feel turns into an emptiness. a hollow shell with nothing left inside. no energy to care about myself. but wouldn't caring about myself be selfish? internally i am forever conflicted.

i am simply exhausted. And yet even in typing that out, i feel terribly guilty. guilty for not having the energy. guilty for not having the answers. guilty for not being enough even when i am giving my last ounce of self. i feel as though i can't stop to catch my breath, even though everything in me is screaming to "rest".