I'm bi, actually

"My cat. He's been acting odd." Charlie pointed to the carrier which contained the unhappy feline. He'd been upset since Charlie had explained the plan, insisting there was a more dignified way to see Nick. Charlie had had to put his foot down. Nick was a veterinarian, Charlie had to bring some sort of animal. 

"And what is your cat's name?"

"Èze ." He watched Nick's face carefully, hoping for a flicker of recognition, anything to indicate that the name meant something to him. 

For the briefest second Nick's eyes widened but then his face went back to neutral as he nodded. "Unusual name for a cat."

"He's named after a place that meant a lot to me." 

Nick nodded again. Charlie thought that for a moment he looked wistful, almost caught in a memory, but it may have only been wishful thinking. He'd known when he came that it was a long shot, that in all likelihood Nick wouldn't remember him, but he'd had to try.

But it seemed that the spell was holding strong. In any other scenario Charlie would have been proud. It was one of the trickiest spells out there, meant to pluck out certain memories but leave everything else intact. It often didn't work. One wrong move and the person could lose a core memory, something that made them a unique person. 

Charlie had known that when he cast it, but he'd also known he had no other choice. He'd taken it slow, looking at each of Nick's individual memories and removing himself from them. It had taken hours and tears had stained his cheeks the entire time, but it had worked. He'd erased himself and kept all of Nick's other memories whole, a true example of his strength as a magic welder. If only he could bring himself to care. 

He couldn't stop staring at Nick, cataloging all the little things that had changed since the last time they'd been together. His hair was a bit longer, the blond edges brushing his collar, and he had a few more laugh lines. But everything else was the same. His face still held a nearly permanent smile, his eyes still swept the room and caught important details. He was still Nick, the love of Charlie's life. 

They had been boyfriends, though that term didn't feel big enough to encompass what they truly were. Lovers, life partners. Two people who wove their lives togethers, threaded them in such a way it was impossible to separate. In the years they were together they never spent more than a night apart, neither could sleep without the other beside them. 

Until.

Until everything crashed down around them. Until Ben found him and made his life a living hell. Again. 

Charlie had been out alone, at a bar waiting for his friends to arrive, when someone had slid into the stool beside him. Charlie had ignored the newcomer until they'd leaned in and whispered in his ear. A simple hello but it sent chills down his spine. Charlie had whipped around to see Ben sitting there, a wicked grin on his face. 

Ben had been his first lover. He'd haunted Charlie's dreams for years, waiting in the corners of his nightmares. Even now, Ben was the reason Charlie triple locked the door at night. 

Some out there wondered if the boogeyman was a myth but Charlie had never had to wonder. He was real and he'd shared Charlie's bed. 

They'd met at a party during uni. Ben had found him as he watched from the outskirts and had drawn him in, making him feel special. It hadn't taken Charlie long to fall for him, thinking that all of Ben's praise was real. 

Ben had been the one to train Charlie in his magic. He'd taught him how to cast spells, how to amplify them using tokens or emotions and even how to craft new ones. It hadn't taken either of them long to realize that Charlie was the more powerful of the two. He'd expected Ben to be upset about it. After all, he'd been brought up in this life and Charlie was only now discovering his powers, but instead he'd been thrilled. It had taken Charlie far too long to realize why.

Ben had used Charlie's power for himself. It had started small, with Ben asking him to fetch something from the other room with magic or maybe convince the barista to give him a free scone. But the requests had grown and soon Ben was asking him for more than he was willing to do. 

He still did it though, every time. Ben had a way of convincing Charlie, either through praise or fear, to do exactly what he wanted.

Until the day he'd ordered Charlie to kill someone. It was over something small, a gambling debt, and when Charlie had balked at its Ben had grown angry, yelling and throwing things at Charlie until he was cowering in the corner and promising to do what Ben wanted. 

Charlie had left that night. After casting a sleeping spell on Ben he'd slipped out of their flat and, taking only what he could carry in a backpack, disappeared. He spent a month on the road, always watching over his shoulder, expecting to see Ben at any moment. Eventually he'd ended up in a small town in France and decided to stay there. It was meant to only be a temporary stop but during his first week he'd been in a cafe, attempting to use his poor French to order a coffee when someone had ordered for him in perfect French. He'd turned around to see the most gorgeous man he'd ever laid eyes on, and he was smiling warmly at Charlie, making him momentarily consider dropping his walls and running headfirst into a new relationship.

Charlie had come to his senses before voicing any of that. He'd insisted on paying for his drink and had gone to a small table to enjoy it, alone.

But it kept happening. Every day, Charlie would return to the cafe and the man would be there. Charlie soon learned his name was Nick and that he was even more amazing than Charlie had first thought. The two talked every day, sometimes about small things and other times about their hopes and dreams. It continued for months, well past Charlie's intended stay. He couldn't let himself take the next step, his heart was still healing from Ben, but he also couldn't bring himself to leave. 

Then one day Charlie mentioned wanting to visit a bookstore that was in the next town over, but he didn't have a car. Nick had hesitated for a moment then offered to drive him. They never made it to the bookstore; the combination of the beach and Nick's lips had been too enticing.

For a while, Charlie had considered that day as the start of them. Except that it wasn't. All those months before had been the start, where Nick hadn't pushed, had just let Charlie come to him when he was ready. 

Much like a cat.

"Tell me what's wrong with Èze." Nick asked as he examined the fluffy gray cat. 

"He's not eating. And he seems- lethargic." He watched as Nick's large hands prodded the animal, momentarily losing himself as he thought about all the ways those hands had touched him. Everything from holding hands as they walked to kissing his knuckles to them pressing deep inside him. 

Charlie had to look away as his cheeks flared. Thankfully Nick didn't seem to notice. His full attention was on Eze, who was glaring at Charlie, clearly upset about the indignity he was being subjected to. Charlie was sure to get an earful on their ride home. 

"Are you new to the area?"

The question snapped him back to reality. When he looked up, he saw that Nick was already watching him, his head tilted in a way that Charlie recognized. It was Nick's way of trying not to let on exactly how interested he was. Charlie had seen it often in the early days of their relationship, when Nick was trying to get to know him but also desperately trying not to scare him away. The familiar gesture made his heart leap. 

"Why?" Hope flared in his chest. Was there something, buried deep down, that made him remember Charlie?

"Haven't seen you before." 

He tried not to physically deflate. "Oh I'm-" What was he doing? When he'd made the appointment, he'd told himself not to expect too much. 

In the time since casting the spell Charlie had learned everything, he could about it. And what he'd learned had nearly broken his heart all over again. Correctly cast, it was nearly impossible to break. The only way was if the castee wanted it broken. They had to want it broken so badly that the spell had no choice but to snap, undoing all the magic and flooding the person with their memories. It was an extraordinarily rare occurrence and some doubted that it was even possible. 

Charlie had thought, foolishly, that seeing him again would make the spell break. That maybe some part of Nick still remembered Charlie and that it would be enough. But that didn't seem to be the case. Perhaps their love wasn't as grand as he'd thought. 

"Just passing though." He finished lamely. Nick's expression flickered to disappointment before he focused on the cat again. 

"What brings you here? It's not exactly a tourist town." 

That was true. He had sent Nick somewhere that he would be safe. A sleepy little village in Wales. Nick's accent likely stood out, but he doubted that anyone would call the press about it. 

He could still remember their last night together like it was yesterday. After finding him at the bar Ben had made it clear what he expected. Charlie would come back to London with him and do whatever Ben wanted or else. The 'else' being Nick.  Ben had laid out in excruciating detail what he would do to Nick if Charlie had said no. Then he told Charlie he had until the morning to decide. 

Charlie had run back to their flat, barely managing to control his emotions before throwing open the door. Nick was surprised, he'd expected Charlie to be out with friends all night, but hadn't asked too many questions, instead allowing Charlie to distract him with kisses. That night they'd made love for the last time, not that Nick knew that. 

Once Nick was sound asleep Charlie had found the spell and begun casting it. As much as he hated it, he knew it was the only way to keep Nick safe. If he told Nick about the situation he'd offer to help, he'd put himself in harm's way to protect Charlie and Charlie couldn't let him do that. No matter how amazing he was, he was only human. When Nick learned about Charlie's magic, he'd expected him to react like most humans did, either fear or greed, but Nick had only been in awe of it.  And then, to Charlie's further astonishment, Nick never once asked him to use it, not even to warm his tea. In all the time they were together Nick had never asked Charlie for anything he wasn't willing to give. No one in his life had ever wanted Charlie for Charlie. 

So, he'd known then what he had to do. He had to remove himself from Nick's mind completely. He could leave no traces of himself.  All the memories would be under lock and key, safely tucked away. It was his only option. Anything less and Charlie knew that Nick would find him, that he would try to help. And Charlie couldn't let that happen. The only way to save Nick was to erase himself from his life, his head and his heart. Then once Nick was safe could Charlie deal with Ben. 

"A- friend." Charlie managed to stutter out. 

"Just a friend?" 

He nodded, unsure if Nick was asking what Charlie thought he was. "But they aren't really interested in showing me around, if you know someone who is." It was a bold thing to say but Charlie had to try. He'd never forgive himself if he didn't. 

"Maybe we could-" Nick started then stopped as if thinking better of it. 

"Your partner could come too." He offered, hating himself but needing to know. 

Nick shook his head. "No partner, it's just me and my dogs." 

"Me either." Charlie said quietly. Nick's eyes met his and it took all his self-control not to throw himself into Nick's strong arms and kiss him until neither could breathe. 

Nick opened then closed his mouth, shaking his head. "I don't usually see patients outside of work."

"Well, I promise to leave Èze at home." He said, attempting a joke. His mouth was dry. Charlie was trying to navigate this as slowly as possible, not wanting to scare Nick off but also desperate to spend more time together. 

Nick flashed him a half smile. Then he straightened, petting Èze as he spoke. "I think your cat is a bad traveler. He might be a little dehydrated, but I don't think there's anything a little wet food and cuddles can't fix."  

Whatever moment they'd had had passed. Charlie nodded as best he could even though he could practically feel his heart shattering in his chest. 

"Oh. Good. That's good." 

Their hands touched as both moved to pick up the cat. Charlie could have sobbed as he saw a few leaves appear then gently float to the ground. For his part, Nick was staring at his hand as if he'd been burned. 

"Are you okay?" He asked, taking a half step closer. 

Nick backed away from him, shaking his head. "I- I- need to go." He seemed completely shaken. "The front desk will help check you out." 

Then Nick left. It seemed like he couldn't get out of the room fast enough. He nearly tripped trying to escape.  

Charlie stared at the door, his heart pounding. When he had cast the spell, he'd known the repercussions. He hadn't planned to ever see Nick again, truly. He wanted the man to have a good life, on his own. He wanted him to fall in love again, to raise a family. 

But then Charlie had seen a video that Nick had posted. He did occasional ones for the clinic and this one was how to trim a rabbit's nails. Charlie had watched all of them more times than he cared to count. He'd kept tabs on Nick, needing to know that he was safe, but swearing to never seek him out.  

There were so many hints of Nick still in his life. He still slept on his side of the bed, using pillows in place of Nick's warm form. Whenever he heard a dog bark his head would snap over, wondering if it was Nick. Hell, he even followed Nick's favorite rugby team, celebrating their wins and losses, just so he would have some connection to the man. 

In the video Nick had picked up the rabbit then, keeping up a light banter had begun his intro. "I'm Nick Nelson and today I'm here with-" He stopped abruptly as he read the name.

"Nick?" Someone off screen had called.

"Maddox. The rabbit's name is Maddox." Nick was still staring down at the little name card and Charlie had sworn there were tears in his eyes.

He'd been on his feet and packing before he even realized it. When Èze asked why Charlie had hesitated to explain.

"I know it doesn't sound like much but-" He glanced at his laptop screen; the image of Nick's shocked expression still frozen on it. "Jack Maddox was my celebrity crush. Nick used to give me endless crap for it." He threw another shirt in a bag. "And if he remembers that then he might remember me."

He knew the chance was small. It had been nearly a year with no other indications, but it was a chance he had to take. 

So he'd booked a train and made the vet appointment, all on the misguided hope that Nick remembered him. 

But he'd been wrong. In the end, Nick couldn't get away from him fast enough. 

"Don't say it." He told the cat, packing him up before going to the front desk. After paying the appointment fee he went outside to his rental car. He wasn't sure what to do now. For so much of his life he'd had a clear plan. First it was whatever Ben told him to do. Then it was staying hidden from the man. Then it was keeping Nick safe and ending Ben. After that, once he'd made sure Ben would never hurt anyone else, he'd been lost, wandering the earth. Seeing that video had given him a new purpose. Maybe that was why he'd done it. It wasn't for Nick; it was for himself.

He turned to look at the clinic, which had a mural of playful puppies and kittens painted on the wall. “I tried Nick, I really did but I just couldn't stay away from you anymore.” The words came out choked, a sob rising up. "But I will now. We'll live the rest of our lives but not together." Saying the words made his heart break all over again but he knew he had to say them out loud. There was power in speech. The universe would hear and make him keep his promise. 

He'd just strapped Eze in when he heard someone calling his name. "Mr. Spring! Wait!" He turned to see Nick, still in his white lab coat, running towards him. Charlie gaped at him, refusing to get his hopes up for what it may mean. 

"Nick? Er- Doctor Nelson?" 

"This is so unprofessional." Nick said, stopping in front of him. He seemed as shocked as Charlie was to be standing there. 

"What is?" The words were a whisper, a hope he barely dared to voice. 

"I couldn't let you leave without giving you my - my number." He fished out a card with a number written on it in blue pen. 

Wordlessly Charlie accepted the paper and their fingers brushed again. There were the leaves again. They'd met in autumn, fallen in love to the changing colors. Nick would always be leaves to him. 

This should have been enough. Charlie should have been thrilled that Nick wanted to start something new. He should let go of the old. 

But he couldn't. He couldn't do it all over again. So, he did something reckless. He grabbed Nick and kissed him squarely on the lips. 

Nick didn't kiss him back. 

Horrified, Charlie started to pull back, already forming an apology. But before he could speak Nick gave a small head shake then grabbed Charlie's face and kissed him fiercely. Nick was the only one who had ever kissed Charlie like this, so he felt it all the way down to his toes. He kissed Nick back, pouring everything he could into it, hoping that it would say what words alone couldn't. 

When they pulled back, he barely dared to breath as he scanned Nick's face for any hint of recognition. 

But Nick only looked bewildered. His heart sank, through his shoes, through the pavement. Charlie was already thinking about buying a train ticket, leaving Nick alone for good this time. He couldn't do this anymore, couldn't hold false hope in his heart for another day. 

Before he could voice any of that though Nick spoke, his expression shifted as he looked at Charlie as if seeing him for the first time.