I tell myself there is worse suffering in life, terminal illness, wars, poverty, my grandma's friend recently lost her daughter to cancer..My stupid problems and fears are not important! I was a tough kid, never afraid of anything, but some life experiances crushed me and made me into a person I don't want to be! I try to be compassionate towards myself, but I am also trying to find that old toughness within myself..

Realised I have agoraphobia after the trauma and now I have to *somewhow* overcome it. Nhs gave me 6 sessions which is only 3 hours of therapy. I still feel stuck and afraid to move forward, but it is easier than before. I had the same fears after the traumatic events in 2014 and it took me years to overcome them.. It is so hard to go *against* your own mind. Like please, let me be relaxed and act like a *normal* person. Right now it feels like I am carrying heavy psychological shackles everywhere I go..

I suppose it doesn't matter if you are a good and supportive friend anymore.. 😔😔 My best friend isn't willing to drive to see me once I'm in Croatia. Says I should come to him knowing it would take me a lot of travelling and two buses to get to him. He also knows I have asthmatic bronchitis and struggle in heat and also have a daughter and I can't ditch everything and everyone the whole day just for him. If I was driving, no problem, but I had to post pone going to driving school until I'm better. I know he hates his job and he changed because of his job a lot, for the *worse*, but to be so cold towards your own close friends like that?? He did the same thing last year, was hoping this year would be different..Even when I considered going half way last year, he didn't offer to pick me so I don't have to travel for longer..Incredible...