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Hogwarts could be so unforgiving. Not just the students but the castle itself. My first night as I traversed the unusual landscape, drinking in every strange sight, a staircase suddenly shifted beneath my feet. I tripped over my oversized robes that I would ‘grow into’ and also landed face first down the vacant space beneath me if not for the harsh words and sudden actions of the tired prefect guiding us towards our dorm room. This only further solidified my stance that magic should be controlled. 

Despite that, I found myself entangled with the most peculiar girl that had the strongest affinity for the strange and usual. Luna Lovegood was an outcast for being odd. To think ‘oddity’  was a concept that existed amongst witches and wizards was and still is beyond me. Her long blond locks were always wrapped around her fingers as she bemused her father’s latest findings. We looked like polar opposites from the outside, but at our cores we were the same ostracised girls. Luna and I grew together and soon Ginerva assimilated herself with us. Ginny’s first years at Hogwarts, much like ours, were not kind to her. Our bond whilst established on that, built itself into something significantly more profound than childlike bemoanings of fleeting stress that felt permanent in the moment. We were friends, we were sisters. We knew each other’s secrets and shared moments only understood by a 13 year old girl. There was nothing about each other that we didn’t know. 

Well almost nothing. My personal secret started in 3rd year. The Yule Ball was taking place and spirits were high. Not mine though, I was still too young to attend on my own and both Ginny and Luna were asked to accompany others as dates. I spent the afternoon with them both dolling themselves up and gossiping about who would wear what. I tried to be happy for them, I really did, but nothing ensnares the heart quite like petty jealousy. This feeling welled itself up in my heart until I saw myself waving Ginny goodbye when she finally left out long after Luna’s date arrived. As I stood in front of the Fat Lady’s portrait I suddenly heard her quip as she was flung open with force that could probably break a regular door down. I heard a loud bang and before I could register what had taken place I was already sprawled out on the floor with an uncomfortable amount of weight resting on my body. Then I heard the familiar sound of the Weasley intonation. Of course it had to be them. Ginny’s twin brothers defied all my values about magic. Everything about my magic was meticulous and precise whilst theirs were erratic and imaginative in a way I could not understand. George or Fred, whichever one it was, it wasn’t particularly important to me at the time, was currently on top of my back and laughing like a maniac. Swears and threats spew from his throat and he pulled himself off me effortlessly before acknowledging my presence. Whilst I was used to this reaction, the prior events of the day made me sensitive and vulnerable in a way that I usually kept personal. I cleared my throat and attempted to speak but I was cut off by him profusely apologising when he noticed me. ‘My god Fred, you made me fall on Ginny’s friend’. Oh so it was George. I was used to being referred to as merely ‘Ginny’s friend’ by everyone else around her. I tried my best to make my presence as small as possible because I did not quite understand the world around me the way everyone else seemed to. George didn’t stop there though, he slightly bent forward and offered his hand to me in such a theatrical way that it would have screamed to anyone else that it was a joke. But for some reason it felt validating, and for a split second, seeing him dressed ready for the ball and his hand extended towards me made me feel included in something that was usually a world away from me. I gingerly placed my hand in his and he effortlessly pulled me off the floor before deeply bowing and running off. 

That night when I entered my dorm room and went under my sheets in an attempt to drown out the noise of the festivities, my mind could only replay the feeling of the slight roughness of George’s palm, the way his ginger hair shone under the candle light as he bowed deeply and the warm scent that seemed to radiate from him. I felt seen, I felt touched. The only thing I wanted was to replicate that feeling again. The next day I could not bring myself to mention it to Ginny or Luna despite them pestering me about the far off look I had in my eyes. Instead I insisted that I was trying to recall the dream I had the night before and shifted the conversation towards the night they had had with their dates. I found an escape in their stories, about awkward dances, crushed toes and the bad breath of their dates. But still I could not shake the feeling that I entered the world of a ‘woman’ for even a split second even if it was one-sided. 

My slight crush on George only flourished greater over the course of my 3rd to 4th year before he left. The only thing that seemed to change was that I developed a crush on Fred too. Instead of it being a sudden rush as George had been, it crept upon me. I fully realised it when I ventured out to the lake one day to rest after a particularly long potions class. Snape had been on my ass more than usual and I had to clear my head. While I sat there under the tree closest to the lake a gentle rain started to trickle until it suddenly exploded into a freak storm. Before I could even adjust to what was going on I heard that oh so familiar sound. I saw a head of bright red hair running towards me to take shelter under the tree alongside me. The closer the figure got the more I realised that it wasn’t George, but instead it was Fred. The only way that I could tell the difference is because I meticulously studied George’s build and the slightest sway he had in his walk compared to Fred. When he finally found shelter he dropped his body weight on the ground beside me. “I have seen you before right?” His head was tilted against the rough bark of the tree and he barely diverted his gaze towards me. Before I could fumble over my words, he spoke over me. “I’m just kidding, I know who you are. How did you end up here” In that moment I realised that both of those twins had an unexplainable charm. One that seemed to pull me in so strongly I couldn’t fail to shake it off. Our light conversation lasted for as long as the rain fell and as soon as it dissipated so did he. But before he left he stared at me for longer than a second and it made my heart tighten in my chest. As I trotted up to the castle, shoes sinking in the heavy mud, I was dazed. Instead of my mind being clouded by incorrect potion techniques I was preoccupied with the idea of Fred. It felt so selfish to think about Fred when I had already set my girlish fantasy on George but it didn’t matter too much to me as I deliberated. I mean, they wouldn’t even see me as more than an extension of their sister so it didn’t really matter if I liked them both. 

Despite that I spent the entire year fantasising about the possibility of being seen as an equal to both of them. I never dared to enter their world, only observing closely from a distance. The confidence they exuded, the swagger in the walks, the boldness of their actions. I dreamt about what it would mean for me to be there with them. In my daydreams they would sometimes fight over me, and other times they would embrace sharing me. George would be gentle and considerate with the tips of his fingers but rough with his tongue. Fred would tense me relentlessly and would pull me close to my high just leave me thrashing from the sudden removal of his touch. They never mirrored each other, rather they forged their own unique relationship with my body. The caresses to my intimate places would be a distinct experience. I dreamt of how they would take me in empty broomclosets and classrooms. How the rough coolness of Hogwarts stone corridors would bruise my bare back when it dragged against it, desperate for the touch of which twin I had last encountered. I was always painfully brought back to reality whenever I saw them in person. The distance between us seemed to grow in tandem with the feelings I harboured for them. We seemed to be eons apart as I sunk into the background of Hogwarts while they effortlessly shone like stars.

The pinnacle of my fantasies occurred the night they won the Quidditch Cup, as I saw them hoisted on the shoulders of everyone around them. For the entire match I was mindlessly fixated on the possibility of being hoisted in the air with them. I would be perched on a raggedy broomstick and they would come over to tease my poor riding and offer to help. I gripped the railing and allowed myself to slightly ease over the balcony as if it would take me closer to them in the slightest. The entire match I was perched on the edge of the stands mesmerized by the way they moved in the sky. In my eyes they acted as if they had wings and the broomstick was only there to show they were playing by the rules. But everyone knew that they didn’t, even if you couldn’t prove it in the moment. The wind in their red locks and the sheen of sweat that covered their bodies made everyone else fade into nothing as I stared at them in awe. When we returned to the common room I was lost in a sea of supporters. They casted their eyes in my direction momentarily and it was enough for the coil in the pits of my stomach to burst and rush to my head. I quickly thumped my way up to my dorm to crawl beneath my sheets and alleviate myself before anyone else came up.

My relationship with Ginny and Luna took a different path the older we got. We moved past the meekness of insecurity adolescence and it felt as though one day we looked at each other and didn’t see the shyness of prepubescence but rather budding womanhood. We still had a far way to go but we had significantly grown into ourselves. The Christmas I spent with Ginny during our 5th year only further validated that. I was no longer the shy 3rd year girl that felt seen for the first time nor was I a 4th year caught in early November rain. Fred and George had already left Hogwarts and were working on their own enterprise outside of their father’s muggle studies at the ministry. They wanted to capitalise on their ‘ability to joke’ in the words of their mom Molly. We three (Luna was in France with her father hunting for another strange creature), were huddled together around the fireplace on the eve of Christmas Eve when Molly was telling Ginny and I about how much we had grown. I didn’t feel particularly different but I knew that I had moved past many parts of my younger self. I still had the slightest crush on the twins but they were now out of sight. I redirected myself to the world around me and lived in the moment and not in ‘what could have beens’. I had OWLS next year and a silly crush couldn’t help me get an ‘Outstanding’ mark on each exam I did. Despite that, as my head rested on Molly’s lap, my mind couldn’t help but wonder towards the twins whenever there was the slightest mention of their names. Like clockwork the door to their home was swung wide open. The same type of swing that made George toppled on my back a few years ago. It was like deja vu when it was followed by the same howl of laughter from whichever one of them had been the one to pull the prank. Truthfully, after realising I had a crush on both males, I started to seclude myself from them. I unintentionally made every effort to avoid being in either one of their presences for more than 2 minutes because it overloaded my senses. This continued for the entirety of my 4th year and before I knew it they were gone, even more unattainable than before. But now they were right in front of my face. There was nowhere for me to shrink into the background or nurse the aged copies of Charms and Potions books that I kept beneath my bed. I had grown into my own person since then. I was no longer regarded as ‘Ginny’s friend’ but rather I was regarded as my person. Even Ron had acknowledged this, granted well after Harry and Hermione had. Regardless of that fact, my individuality could be felt even by the twins at this point for they acknowledged me by my name. The warmth that radiated off their bodies and singed coats flooded my body when they pulled Ginny and I in for a hug. The infectious Christmas joy seemed to override even their mischievous spirit even if it was only for a moment. Surveying them I noticed that they had only grown to be a much more grown up version of their Hogwarts selves. The change hadn’t been dramatic but the maturity of adulthood had already set into their features. It wasn’t long before they began to drill Ginny on the importance of OWLs and passing as many of them as she could. Before she could even retort in the fiery tone she had developed from quidditch, they interjected that I would be fine because I was a ‘smart girl’. It was only a passing comment but it didn’t fail to make blood rush to my brain and I could only meekly smile.

That’s how the entire holiday went by. Fred or George would do or say something seemingly insignificant to everyone else but it would my mind spin. I suppose I hadn’t matured as much as I thought I had. The brush of my knee or a lingering stare at dinner did wonders for my poor imagination and each night I did circles in my mind, alternating between deeming myself delusional and validating my 13 year old crush. However reality hit me when I was once again on the train back to Hogwarts. Away from the warmth of the burrow, away from the warmth of the twins. Instead I was confronted once again with one sided feelings and the harshness of reality. As I sat across from Ginny, someone knocked on the door of the train car. When they entered, they asked if they could speak to me for a moment outside.

Hogwarts is full of surprises. It was surprising when as soon as I got back to school I was flocked. It was as if a flower had bloomed in an empty field and I thought it was a joke. However the longer it lasted the less convinced I was of that. This didn’t change when I sat my OWLs, rather it seemed to only grow in intensity as I returned to Hogwarts for my 6th year. Maybe for once I had tamed the chaos of magic beyond a Potions class and by some grace of Merlin I had been blessed with womanhood. There was no point where I even had a chance to bemuse myself with delusions of the Weasley twins. Even when I went to Hogsmeade, I didn’t even have a chance to go to their joke shop because I was either swept up with finding materials for secret experiments or calculating how to manoeuvre the current relationship I was in as I nursed a butterbeer with Ginny and Luna. I was my parents’ daughter through and through, as I found myself battling even the smallest inconvenience or decision as though it was the NEWT potions exam. 

By the time I graduated Hogwarts I had essentially perfected the art of Potions, it was really the only thing I was good at. Naturally every wizarding world post that offered something relating to potions saw my job request. Despite that I just seemed to be out of luck and it was frustrating me. Ginny had told me in her last letter that I could check out the twin’s shop just in case, which I was obviously reluctant to do. In all 7 years of our friendship, I still hadn’t told her about the massive crush I harboured for her two brothers and it was probably best to keep it that way. Anyway, that was far behind me, a relic of my youth that I can look back on and smile fondly if not cringe at my antics. Feelings of the past could not override my present feelings because as much as I had wanted them in ways I could not even comprehend at the time, it didn't hamper my desire for a job. So there I was, in the middle of fall, outside Fred and George’s joke shop, with hope and prayers backing me up. As I stepped inside for the first time it felt like an instant portal into their minds. Everything was characteristically them. The lights themselves seemed to contort to suit their passing whims and my eyes almost hurt from the saturation and visual noise around me. I gingerly stepped, anticipating even the floor boards beneath my feet to explode at the slightest touch. The air itself was so rich with chaos that it was almost tangible. I was severely out of my element and it disoriented me. As I deliberated leaving, a voice called out to me from across the shop “I know it's you, Ginny told us that you were coming today”. The voice was quickly accompanied by the matured face of George Weasley as he stared me down from across the room. “Hello, it’s been a while” my simple greeting was punctuated by my careful steps towards him, increasingly weary of any impending disaster. As I finally entered the small office space tucked away, I was able to catch my breath. Everything for once felt calm when I took a seat and it all seemed like a regular office. “Fred is on his way, but don’t worry, we don’t bite” George held steady small talk with me. The ‘how have you beens’ and gentle head nods followed by ‘mmhmms’ punctuated with the slightest tilt of the heads were over faster than I liked. The predictability of the conversation was over and I tried my best to maintain my composure.

Maybe I was deluding myself but it felt like there was a shift in the atmosphere when the questions moved towards my qualifications. Not to say that I was under-qualified, far from it actually. I had graduated with exceptional grades in Potions, far exceeding my peers. The predictable and precise nature of both those art forms made me excel and it conformed with my perspective. But here George was asking if I was capable of deviating from what I had known and been my cardinal principles of Potion making to fulfill their requests. There wasn’t only a shift in the atmosphere, but there was also a shift in his tone. The playful banter characteristic of the Weasley twins had evaporated and in its place, an arid and stiff personality was left. A no-nonsense attitude I had never imagined him to be capable of possessing. I internally faltered multiple times but wore my best poker face even when his questions evaded me. They wanted someone that could create, someone that could break out of a mold, someone with the knowledge to back up their actions. I wanted, no needed, to become that person. This opportunity could not pass me. I needed this job, I needed this chance to stand my own as a witch. I steadily recounted experiments that I had done and the effects they had. When I let it slip that during practice for NEWTs that I had spiked Snape’s potion with too much dragon tears and made it explode, George broke the tension in the room with a howl of laughter. ‘Okay, that’s all I needed to hear. You start now.’ His words didn’t register until he summoned a contract and I had already signed it. He grinned even wider at me ‘It’s a shame Fred still hasn’t come back to hear that one himself.’