The red demon

inspired by this post...

Dude I need someone to shoot dysphoria, i feel so sick everytime i feel flesh rather then my fur or move my hands and get suprised by how light they feel without my claws. Or even making room for the horns on my head only to remember they aren't there.

At least with gender dysphoria I can be comforted by the fact im saving up money for surgery

WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT KIN DYSPHORIA??! Atleast for my more human one I just died my hair pink and started wearing my beanie (felt so good...)

BUT I CANT JUST SPONTANEOUSLY GROW FUR, HORNS AND MY CLAWS??

C00lkidd's milestone lines are as follows:

“I remember that look on your face. Always worried. Afraid. It made me feel guilty... now I realize you brought it on yourself." 

"Was it my fault you were always drowning in your misery? That I ended up like this? Or do you just need someone else to carry the blame for everything?" 

"Everything I do is defined by your failures. Every step I take is swallowed by your p4thetic shadow. I'm s1ck of it. I'm sick of y0u." 

"I'V3 FIN4LLY FIGURED OUT WH4T MAK3S ME HAPPY HERE, P0PS! WATCHING YOU HURT. KNOWING I'M TH3 RE4S0N. I NEVER W4NT THAT F3ELING T0 3ND."  This lines up pretty well with what I thought C00lkidd’s kill and lms lines with 007n7 meant. Yes, he is furious at 007.

To me, these lines speak of the experience of having a parent that’s not all mentally well. In moments of clarity, you know they love you desperately, and on good days, they feel normal, even amazing (think of the idyllic render of milestone 1), but it’s incredibly hard to reconcile the fact you know they love you, and the feeling they don’t because it’s hard for them to show it; hard to reconcile that you know they love you, but despite that, they still suck as a parent. Kids are much more perceptive than ppl give them credit for. C00lkidd went through all of life knowing something was up.

As ppl have pointed out before, 7n7 was probably also busy as a single parent supporting C00lkidd, so he may have been both mentally and physically absent (NOT in a deadbeat way, just a struggling person who was not ready to become a parent way). This would’ve been absolutely terrible for CK, and as the milestone quotes point out, he begins to blame himself. This was exacerbated by the fact it seems 007n7 wasn’t frank with C00lkidd about his hacking life- CK seems to have primarily learned about 7n7’s misdeeds through his general infamy, and he wasn’t upfront with the destructive power of the GUI either. While this is understandable from 007n7’s POV bc he likely wanted to be a good role model to CK, this adds another layer to CK’s anger where the whole time, it was something 007n7 brought up on himself, but because of 007n7’s cowardice, for the longest time, CK thought it was his fault. 

What we see in milestones 2-4, then, where C00lkidd takes the plunge into exploiting (and killing), especially in the Forsaken realm, is CK rejecting that this is his fault. I want to bring back the previous discussion on having a mentally unwell parent. Between “this is all my fault” and “this is not my fault but my parent’s, but I understand they were struggling and trying their best, and were probably unimaginably guilty about how they treated me” is “I’m forever doomed, all because of my parent. They’re selfish, and they don’t care how much I hurt as long as I’m their therapy object.” This often happens during teenage years. I’ve said before that CK’s milestones feel like a teenager to me- the juvenile taunting, mean streak, and penchant for swearing. So, in his milestones, CK undergoes this teenager phase where 007n7 is the representative of everything wrong with C00lkidd himself (in the end, your treatment of others will always tie back to your self image in some way). 

This is not to say CK’s hate is as simple as being an “edgy teenager.” They’re valid, complex emotions, it’s just also tied to the feelings and realizations you undergo as a teenager. Therefore, in his milestones, C00lkidd mocks the idea that he misses 007n7 (lms voiceline)- because he doesn’t need him, he’s better, and 007n7 wasn’t there as a father anyways, so what is there to miss? You can see in the milestone 4 quote that 007n7’s role as a dad becomes mockery: “P0PS!” To CK, viewing 007 as a father is a joke.

This is also a feeling ppl go through with mentally unwell parents, especially those that commiserate about their failures. You get sick of it, and in some form of “revenge,” you vow to be better than them. This is partially why CK tells 007n7 in his kill voicelines that he’s “c00ler than you’ll ever be.” It’s not about just being impressive, it’s about being better.

Last detail I’ll point out- milestone 4’s phrasing of “watching you hurt knowing im the reason” feels like a role reversal to me. CK views 007 as the reason for his hurt, so now it’s his turn to be the reason for all of 7n7’s. It’s not simple sadism; it’s revenge. Of course, all of these feelings are going to be exacerbated by the fact the Forsaken realm gives C00lkidd a giant power trip playground.