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… In the end, that was what broke the camel’s back and caused Nayuki to give up on me.

I was in the company dorm’s lesson room, playing the piano and reminiscing about my university days.

For the time being, Nayuki and I had settled the talk about passing the family inheritance to him, and I was still the legitimate Kitakata heir.

Although I was aware that in reality, my parents expected neither a conventional marriage nor grandchildren from me.

… What was I looking for by forcing myself through romance back then?

Looking back, I don’t really understand.

Did I want to build a love like the one my parents had with someone?

Did I want a taste of the supreme thing?

Was I looking for someone to share the secret of my “death prophecy” with?

Or maybe, I only did it so I would set free Nayuki from me…

“… Am I shackling Nayuki to me, even now?”

After everything fate put us through, us brothers are connected strongly once more.

I’m overjoyed about that.

I may not have a lover, but I have Nayuki, my little brother.

I have Ev3ns, my friends; and the Chief, my confidant.

That’s enough for me to feel that even if I can’t foster a romantic relationship with anyone, I’m building relationships with love as their basis.

My finger slipped and I missed a note.

I turned my focus back to the keys in front of me and continued playing Liebesträume No.3.

I’d played this song with Kuguri once, and have been practicing it ever since.

I want to be able to play it properly when the day we fulfill our promise comes.

Although, I can’t be certain Kuguri will permit that of me.

After playing for a while, I felt the presence of someone approaching from behind.

I didn’t have to turn around to know who it was. I’ve already memorized his footsteps and presence.

It was Kuguri.

To me, his existence is a sort of mirror.

He leaned against the wall, and seemed to be focusing on the melody I was playing.

Occasionally, when I practice the piano, Kuguri peeks his head inside as though on a whim and listens.

Most of the time he leaves in the middle of my playing, but today he didn’t budge until I’d finished.

“How did I do? Have I improved any?”

I turned to look at him, and Kuguri laughed as if to mock me.

Then, he took a step closer to me and spoke in German:

“Und hüte deine Zunge wohl……”

That was part of the poem by Freiligath.

“Guard your words well, lest harm flow from your lips.”

For even if afterward you plead to god that you meant no harm, the one you love may already have left in mourning.

That is what those words mean.

“Have you noticed? Despite the beautiful melody, the song is all about a cruel fate.”

Kuguri says, no doubt trying to hurt me, and shrugs his shoulders as if he finds it amusing.

“Can you honestly claim that you’ve never hurt someone like that?”

Numerous instances came to mind.

There are plenty of people I’ve cut off, hurt, and pushed away.

Kuguri must be amongst them.

At the very least, I’m certain Nayuki is.

“Human love, was it? Can you truly love people in that way?”

Kuguri left the room while sneering.

After watching him trot away like a free-spirited, untamed cat, I muttered to myself:

“… I think I can, Kuguri.”

At the very least, aslong as my way of loving is acceptable.

I placed my fingers on the keys once more.

In the depths of my ears, I recalled that soft, nervous voice from my childhood.

Um, there’s a right way to put your fingers… Like this, your thumb goes here.

Can you try playing with just your right hand?

That voice, the pale fingers that struck the keys alongside mine, as well as the face that smiled bashfully when I looked at it, and the laughter we shared amongst the ripples of sound…

I remembered it all perfectly.

Every time I play the piano, a young Kuguri calls out to me.

Like this, your thumb goes here. Do you want to try playing? 

Far too long has passed since the time we first met.

Both during that time and now I had single-mindedly devoted myself to experiencing all life had to offer, burning my life all the while through various acts of self-abandonment

It was a form of rebellion. My way of taking out the anger I held towards the world.

A violent feeling slept within me, telling me that if anything hurt me, I would hurt it twice as bad.

How did Kuguri live, I wonder?

I have no way of knowing, but I believe that he too is deeply wounded.

When the pain was too much for me to bear, I’d ended up throwing away the piano that had once comforted me…

Was Kuguri also in so much pain that he threw away his piano?

I might be part of the reason for Kuguri’s pain.

… That might be why he says he wants to break me.

I was hesitant to make such a definitive statement.

If I were to tell Kuguri my conclusion, I’m certain he’d laugh and call me arrogant.

Even if that weren’t the case for him, there was still someone who I had undoubtedly hurt during my life.

Namely, Nayuki.

The poem for Liebesträume includes this part:

The time will come, the time will come, When you will stand at the grave and mourn.

“… What if Nayuki had died back then?”

I’ve turned this moment in my mind numerous times: It was the most despairing moment of my life.

When Nayuki was stabbed onstage and had collapsed in a pool of his own blood.

I thought he was going to die.

My fingers trembled against my will as they sat on top of the keyboard.

Cold sweat formed on my forehead, and my stomach cried in pain.

No matter how many times I recall it, I’m always overwhelmed by a new sense of fear.

If Nayuki really had died back then, I would have fallen on my knees in front of his grave, and wept. 

I would have regretted everything I’d done that hurt him, and perhaps I wouldn’t even be able to hold myself back from trying to kill myself.

… Having death so close always brought me comfort.

Violence, pain, and rage always quelled the suffering within me.

I wanted to live closer to death and feel that I was truly alive.

However, I don’t want any of my precious companions or family to experience this fear now.

I don’t want to leave any regrets.

That’s why, like Freiligrath says, I will love for as long as I can.

That’s what I’ve decided.

My love may never become romantic, but it can still blossom into affection, friendship, and sympathy.

Romantic love is not the only love with any worth.

Other forms of love and even small acts of kindness are all just as valuable.

After so many years, I’ve finally accepted that.

Suddenly, I thought to myself that, I could even become someone’s lover and get married now.

Not in an ordinary romantic relationship and marriage, but as an extension of friendship, so long as my partner is willing to recognize my feelings of wanting to treasure them as love.

We might even be able to exchange a promise to stay by one another’s side forever.

It would not be a typical relationship, but it would be special to me and my partner.

For example, I believe that my relationship with the Chief, who I regard as my confidant, is special.

I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship or marry.

The ideal of having a family like my parents did has crumbled away.

Now what’s important to me is to love those around me, and to die while loving them.

That is what my ideal is becoming.

Like Chihiro, who faces his fans with honesty.

Like Tao, who is always sincere towards others.

Like Kinari, who is always there for others, and helps them as if it’s second nature to him.

Like Kuguri, who doesn’t reject anything no matter how unsightly, precisely because of how unsightly it is.

Like Nayuki… Who accepts even those he’s come to hate.

And like the Chief… who accepted this life of mine.

I believe all of it is love, so I don’t want to ever forget them.

I will never cut them off again, and I will never forget them. I will hold them to my heart, keep them within me, and build upon the past and present as I head towards the future.

Will I die the way I’ve dreamed of if I do so?

If I were to die like that…

… Would my face look to be at peace in my very last moments?

I can no longer remember the face I once envisioned I’d make when I died.

I wonder why that is…

“Maybe I’d understand if I were to ask Toi.”

I whispered to myself, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask such a question to someone as kind as him.

I took a deep breath, and looked at the position of my fingers on the keys.

Then, I struck the first keys to Liebesträume No.3.

It was as though I entrusted my body and heart to the gentle ripples of music.

Track 1 | Track 2 | Track 3

NOTES:

In the end, the relationship with my last lover ended after six months.

I was confused when my lover cried as we broke up, but I was also relieved.

The reason for our break-up was something along the lines of, “I feel anxious when I’m with you.”

You were kind to me, and you granted all my wishes. You’re not at fault, but I don’t actually feel loved at all. It scares me.

…I was shocked when I heard that.

It was true, after all. I had never really loved that person.

…Was it because my preferences lay elsewhere?

I thought my feelings would also change if the person I was dating was different, so from that point on, I tried dating all sorts of people who confessed to me, regardless of their gender, age, or occupation.

Business partners I met in the investing community.

Daughters of high society.

Classmates from my university seminars.

People I met at extracurricular clubs.

Even people considerably older than me.

However, no matter what, I could never check off the final item on my list.

One day, the person I was dating at that time had called out to me. We’d been together for 3 months at that point. 

While trembling, that person told me… “I went to a hotel with someone else…”

I immediately understood the meaning of those words.

And even though I understood, what came to my mind was…

… I suppose this investment was a mistake.

Seeing me get neither angry nor sad, my lover teared up, and then said, “You really aren’t jealous at all.”

After that, I was asked to break up.

I was more shocked by the fact that the problem was that I wasn’t jealous, not that my lover went to a hotel with someone else. 

… I see. So normally, this would be where I get jealous.

The lover who had been sobbing in front of me suddenly seemed like a stranger.

All the things I should have known, such as that person’s smile, likes and dislikes, faded from my mind with a snap.

It was as though I didn’t care about any of it anymore.

I was relieved that person had lost interest in me and asked to break up.

I’d started to find the overly emotional attitude that person seemed to be testing me with to be annoying.

At the same time, I realized that I couldn’t trick myself any longer.

I had dated many people for short periods of time.

I’d felt affection and friendship towards them all. I wanted them to be happy.

But that was the end of it.

… I hadn’t felt anything romantic towards them. I don’t think I even wanted to.…

All my lovers’ advances only made me feel uncomfortable.

Romance… was not fun.

That was when it dawned on me that I would die without ever knowing the supreme thing known as love.

I nodded at the delivery person asking for specifications.

The grand piano I had impulsively bought a few days before was delivered to one of the rooms in my unnecessarily spacious single-person apartment.

The room had been soundproofed just yesterday, so I opened the piano’s lid and placed my fingers on the keys.

Just then, a phone call from my mother came through.

“You’ll be coming home for New Year’s, right?”

I wanted to say that I would, but I couldn’t get the words out.

When I imagined my parents’ faces, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach.

…I’m sorry. Father, Mother.

I… As the heir to the Kitakata family… I am a defective product.

I bit back the urge to say that, and instead said, “I don’t think I will be able to; business is keeping me busy.”

Afterward, I answered all of my mother’s concerns about my health and daily life with a smile, but in all honesty, I wanted to hang up as soon as I could.

Once the call was over, I turned my phone off and sat at the piano.

… I didn’t know why I’d bought a piano myself.

It just happened to catch my eye…

Anything would do, so long as it was something I could lose myself in on my own.

I randomly pressed a key with my index finger, and then suddenly remembered there was a correct way to place your fingers when playing the piano.

Looking far back into my memories, I remembered a young child teaching me that.

… Was that before I had received my “death prophecy”?

Most of my memories from before that prophecy were vague.

I put a musical score geared towards beginners on display and began by playing with one hand.

My playing was clumsy, but as I listened to the sound of the piano, I started feeling as though the emptiness within me was healing.

…How exactly should I live my life going forward?

How could I overcome the despair of not being able to obtain the supreme thing?

You just haven’t found the right person yet.

You’ll surely find love someday.

If I were to ask anyone for advice, those would be the words they’d say to me.

I’d thought so myself, and that was why I had tried dating so many people.

However, no matter how hard I tried to pretend, the feelings of romantic love never grew in my heart. The longer my relationships went on, the more I felt burdened by my lovers’ affections. Eventually, the guilt of not being able to meet their expectations ate me alive and brought me nothing but discomfort.

Discomfort…

That is to say, a very strong feeling of discomfort.

A feeling of discomfort that made me think I wasn’t even myself.

My instincts were screaming at me:

Love is impossible for me.

… That was why, for a while, I didn’t want to see anyone.

“Normal” people can effortlessly do things I could never do.

Seeing that made me go crazy with envy.

Their lack of understanding filled me with rage.

During my long university break, I spent all my time playing the piano.

I gradually improved and could play more and more songs.

While absorbed in it, I remembered the laughter of someone I’d played a duet with during my childhood.

That memory offered me a small amount of comfort.

… Though I could not remember who that person was.

Once the day was over and I closed the piano’s lid, the memories were closed off and vanished as well.

I had let the sounds and sheet music sweep me up like a raging torrent, but when the break had ended and I returned to the university, I slowly resumed all my interpersonal relations.

Not looking to be in a romantic relationship anymore, I turned down anyone who confessed their feelings to me.

I simply passed my days uneventfully, and when I returned home, I played the piano to relax.

On one of those days, I received a call from one of the young ladies I had dated.

I’d kept friendly relations with many of the people I had dated, and so I went to the hotel I was called to without thinking twice.

It had been some time since I’d last seen her. She was much more distant than when we were dating, but I was actually grateful for that.

“I would like to enter a contractual marriage with you.”

However, the words I heard shocked me considerably.

Instead of letting it show on my face, I asked, “Could I ask why?”

“Don’t worry. I don’t feel anything towards you anymore. To be fully honest with you, my parents are trying to use me as a tool for political marriage.”

That’s a story I often heard from people born in distinguished families.

The only reason I haven’t was because our parents didn’t want to treat their children as nothing more than tools.

“You don’t like the person you will be marrying?” “That’s exactly it. So I tried to think of anyone who would be willing to marry me, even without love on the table, and who my parents would also approve of. …And I realized you’d be the perfect fit.”

Because I’m the heir to the Kitakata family, am currently attending a top university, and also have money… Or so she says.

For a second, I found myself admiring what a convenient deal this would be.

I was being offered a relationship, and the person offering would be okay even if I never developed romantic feelings for them.

On top of that, if we were to have a child, I would fulfill my duty as the heir of my family, and my parents would rejoice. Nayuki would also feel at ease.

I’m in.

That’s what I wanted to say.

Given that she was in dire straits, as her ex, I wanted to do what I could to help her.

However, what came to mind instead was the picture of my parents in our home’s living room, exchanging their love without the need for words.

… I grew up watching that love between them.

Being praised by someone, being held by my parents, getting excellent report cards, having an appearance admired by others, being picked as the anchor for the relay.

What reassured me through this and more, was the fact that my parents “loved each other”…

“… I’m sorry.”

The words left my mouth before I could stop them.

I wanted to get married and have children.

Even if I died young, having grandkids would bring solace to my parents.

… But I didn’t have the courage to bring children to this world without loving my partner.

Those children might end up unhappy if that were the case.

I could not possibly endure that fear.

She must have anticipated my rejection, because she didn’t press the issue much after.

“Could you introduce me to someone else, then?”

Is what she asked instead.

After promising to introduce her to several men from distinguished families who had connections in high society, I returned to my apartment.

I headed straight for the piano and stood before it without even taking my coat off.

I’d forgotten to close the lid last night, and the black and white keys were waiting for me with a faint glow.

The moment my finger landed on one of the keys…

I realized that a deep emptiness had formed within me once again.

… If I had agreed to her proposal, I could have become the person my parents wanted me to be… even if it was merely for appearances’ sake.

I felt foolish for letting that chance slip by me.

On the other hand, the reality that I had no other choice but to do so hurt me inexplicably.

I closed the lid. Then muttered.

“I will… get rid of the piano.”

After cancelling my apartment’s lease and throwing away my furniture and piano, I made good use of the time between my university lectures by visiting conflict zones overseas and impoverished areas with high crime rates.

I travelled with a volunteer group an acquaintance started, and met with local activists on my own.

Nayuki was always in a rage, calling me over and over and yelling things such as, “Come back already, you idiot.”

But I liked the danger.

I spent my days focused solely on living.

Pain, death, killing intent. Anger, fear, malice.

For reasons unknown to me, the places surrounded by destruction and all those things gave me peace.

The day before, I’d stood blankly in a place where missiles were raining down and most of the buildings had collapsed, simply listening to the sirens.

Another missile would be fired soon.

The people in the underground shelter were holding their breaths and curling into balls.

Even in a place such as this, when I gazed over all the collapsed buildings, the sky was breathtakingly blue and beautiful.

Suddenly, a thought came to me:

Once I get home…

… I will hand the family inheritance over to Nayuki.

He could create a family with love.

I’m sure he’d be angry, but that’s alright.

It’s about time he gave up on me.

Such thoughts came to mind.

I didn’t have any particular feelings about graduating high school.

If you were to force me to pick something out, I would say that I was slightly saddened by the idea that my connection with the boy who gave me bandages and milk tea might disappear.

But to me, even that feeling was fleeting as I rushed through my life.

After the ceremony, I was surprised to see so many students–whom I didn’t know the names or faces of–handing me bouquets of flowers and asking for my uniform’s buttons.

At that moment, I saw a number of familiar faces lining up to greet me.

“Raito-san! Congrats on graduatin’! You did a bang-up job!” “‘Grats!” “You guys… You really came to see me?”

What I’d dedicated almost the entirety of my high school life to wasn’t my studies nor any club activities. 

It was a fight team called EDG3.

I had already told the members I’d be leaving the team once graduation came, so I didn’t expect them to show up.

The man who had succeeded me as the leader looked at me, eyes red from crying, and said “Of course we’d come.”

“Are ya really leavin’ us now…!? Uuu, Raito-san…!” “Without you, we’d… we’d…”

The other students passing through the school’s gate were startled when a group of burly, strong-looking men started bawling right then and there.

I comforted each member individually, hugging them and patting their backs.

These men, all older than me, cried their eyes out on my chest. 

“It’ll be okay. You guys can make it.”

I said that to encourage them as I thought about what would happen next.

There was something I wanted to try at the university I would attend… The next step in my life.

(If I can get my hands on it, it will become the supreme thing…)

That’s what my parents always said about it as I grew up.

About a month or so after I started university, just as I was getting used to life on campus, I started hearing more whispers and rumors around me.

“That’s mahorova’s founder, right…? The Kitakata heir…”

“I read in an economics magazine a while ago that he’s starting out as an investor too.”

“What do I have to do to get close to him…?”

This wasn’t the first time I’d heard such whispers around me; people often spoke like that in high society and even in high school too, so I’d learned not to pay any attention to it.

As I walked towards the large gingko tree where students gathered, the person waiting for me—the person who’d recently become my “lover”—smiled upon seeing me.

When I waved to announce my presence, I got a wave back in return.

“Were you waiting long?” “Not really,” was the reply I got to my question.

My lover links our arms together as if it was second nature.

At that moment, the look in my lover’s eyes was frightfully sweet. Honestly speaking, it made me feel just slightly nervous.

But that only lasted for a moment before I forced myself to forget about it.

It is not as though I hate physical contact.

I can also initiate it towards my lover just fine.

So long as I accept it as the status quo, I can do it.

However, the sweetness in my lover’s eyes and words always made me hesitate for a moment.

But I was sure that feeling would fade once I got used to it.

I could hear sighs from all around us as we walked down the road together.

“What a picture-perfect couple…”

“You just can’t come between such a beautiful pair.”

…And so on.

I didn’t pick my lover because we’d look good together…

This person simply happened to confess to me just as I was hoping to try being in a romantic relationship with someone.

Objectively speaking, my lover is beautiful, but I’m not exactly fixated on outward appearances… Or rather, I don’t care about it at all.

At the end of the day, is it not compatability that makes a relationship?

So far, I’ve had no complaints in that regard.

My lover was a quiet and nice person, who listened to all my strange stories without showing even a bit of displeasure.

Even Nayuki couldn’t stand those.

I was sure we’d be going out for a long time.

It’d been a month since we started going out.

In that time, I’d compiled all the tasks lovers would partake in together into a list, and started checking them off one by one.

Now, it was almost complete.

As for whether I had fun during that time, well, most of them weren’t exactly enjoyable…

Regardless, as far as appearances go, there was nothing so different between us and your run-of-the-mill couple.

The final task on my list was something I’d get to once we’d been dating for a year…

To be precise, I would need to develop “romantic feelings” towards my lover.

After my relationship had been going smoothly for three months, I went to visit my parents for the first time in a while.

The most important thing I wanted to do once I started university was experience romance, and the second was to live alone. 

On account of that, with the first chance I had, I left my hometown and rented an apartment in the heart of Tokyo.

When I returned to my hometown, my parents welcomed me with the same warmth and care they always held for me, and the time we spent as a family in the living room was peaceful and comfortable.

My parents were close; they often exchanged glances, spoke comforting words to one another, and touched each other gently.

I understood clearly: those were the signs of their love.

As I watched them, I wondered… How many months would my lover and I need before we acted like that?

… Would we even be able to act like that in the first place?

The words I had written as the final task in my list, “develop romantic feelings”, flashed in my mind.

I couldn’t imagine a future where I had actually checked that off my list.

Regardless, it was too soon to declare it impossible.

We should date for six months at the very least before I make that decision.

While our parents were out, Nayuki came back from high school.

Upon seeing him, a type of joy that I never felt when meeting with my lover sprung up within me.

“Nayuki! Welcome back!” “… You’re here?”

The moment he saw me come to greet him, Nayuki frowned and tutted.

“You’re late. Did you have club activities? Or did you go to an investment meeting?”

I trailed behind Nayuki, speaking to him as he headed to his room.

It was my first time seeing him in his high school uniform, and he looked cuter than usual.

“Sigh… What’s it matter to you?”

He placed his bag on his desk, and sat down on the bed while undoing his jacket’s buttons.

“… Speaking of, haven’t you been investing too lately?” “Yeah. You probably think I’m a little late to it, but I have some money left over. I thought I’d invest it, so I’ve been dabbling here and there.”

Nayuki hummed in response, seemingly uninterested. He’d been investing for a lot longer than I have, and it seems like he’d made good money out of it.

I’d also heard he made friends with some of the big shots in the area.

Nayuki himself hadn’t told me much, but I’d caught wind of all kinds of stories from the people in the investing community when I joined.

“… I sure hope you haven’t been spending your money on anything weird.” “I was just about asking you for advice. Is there any wisdom you could pass as the one with more experience?” “Sigh… Why me…”

Nayuki glared at me, clearly displeased, but extended his hand to me after three seconds.

“Show me your investment summary.”

Delighted, I pulled up my account’s summary on my phone and showed it to him.

Sitting next to Nayuki with only two palms’ distance between us made me feel just a bit lonely.

“Oh. You should put this company on sale ASAP; they won’t be able to settle their bills by the month after the next. …And why did you even invest in this? I don’t think you’ll find any profit.”

Pointing at several of the companies I invested in, Nayuki scolded me.

Even though he was angry, I was so happy that he was giving me serious advice that I smiled, causing him to get even more irritated and say, “Why are you laughing? Is something funny about this?”

“I’ll have no choice but to sell if they won’t settle their bills, but… Is there nothing I can do to help?” “... They’re going under because of a lapse in the management’s judgement. If we showed leniency each and every time, capitalism would crumble.” “But this is no fault of the employees, is it?  They’re probably still working, unaware of the fact that the company is about to go bankrupt…”

When I said that I hold an executive position at numerous companies and suggested that I try to hire these employees, Nayuki simply told me to do whatever I wanted.

“That one aside, why did you buy stocks in this company?” “Hm? I liked their foundational philosophy.”

Nayuki was pointing at the name of a company I’d recently bought, and when I told him the reason, he let out a sigh.

“For a flimsy reason like that…? You’re so bold that it gets on my nerves.” “What do you mean?” “The price of a single stock here will increase by tenfold before long.” “Ohh, really? Well, if you say so, you must be right!”

I watched Nayuki as he clicked his tongue and gave my phone back, hesitating for a while before speaking up. “Hey, Nayuki…”

“… I’m seeing someone.” “Huh? You are?”

As soon as the words left my mouth, Nayuki turned to look at me.

He looked at me as though he was looking at a defective product, and I smiled wryly at him.

“Uh… If I can be in a proper relationship, you won’t have to worry about me so much, either… I caused you a lot of trouble during high school.”

Those were my genuine feelings, but the moment he heard that, Nayuki scowled and stood up.

“If that’s why you’re looking for a relationship then stop it.” “… I have other reasons, too. They say love is the supreme thing, right? I’d like to share that feeling with the person I’m currently dating. …Although at the moment it’s nothing more than a formal title…” “Leave me out of this. I don’t care about your love life.”

Nayuki spoke bluntly, turning his back to me and walking towards his closet. Then, he said one final thing:

“This so-called relationship of yours is only for your own self-satisfaction, anyway.”

I wanted to talk with my little brother more, but I couldn’t fight back against the rejection emanating from his back, so I left his room.

I let out a sigh as I stood in the hallway.

“This so-called relationship of yours is only for your own self-satisfaction, anyway.”

Nayuki’s words played on repeat in my head.

…Isn’t love something you do for yourself?

But, if you were to truly love your partner… Surely that makes it all worth it.

And if I could be someone like that, Nayuki would also be happy.

Nayuki always gets irritated when he sees me.

That anger, in other words, is proof that he has been trapped by me.

I want to free Nayuki from that anger.

…He should just forget about me.

Talking with Nayuki excites me more than talking with my lover.

But apart from that, I also wanted to free him… Free him from the existence that is “me”, and from my looming death.