tw — mentions of drug use, relapse, addictions, mentions of missing person
The night was cold, and quiet. The streets all empty, and for one very short moment in time, a pause in which regret clung to- Reid’s hand hesitated around the door of the only place he had ever truly called home. It was as if the boys body was begging him to turn back, to not walk out of that door. His body was pleading with him to just look back, to take one glimpse at what he was leaving. But his mind, riddled with a high he had sworn to never feel again, told him he couldn’t stay.
He had been here before, leaving town when everyone was asleep and couldn’t tell him not to. It was an easy thing for Reid; leaving. He had been running all of his life, from one thing or another. It felt different this time. And it was. For the very first time, he was running from a place that actually cared about him. From people who loved him. From people who would actually tell him not to.
He knew if he were to walk out that door it would seal his fate, that there would be no coming back. Not the same, anyways. He would never be this person again, and a part of him was okay with that. A bittersweet smile formed on his lips as he quietly shut the door behind him, he was okay with leaving now. If he were to leave any part of him here, it would always be the better parts of him he’d want his friends to have.
With pieces of paper clutched in his hands, he walked down his drive way. The letters he had written were thoughts half told, his mind hurt and he hadn’t been able to hide that in his words. He had spent an hour writing goodbyes, and he had almost thrown them away. He was scared, truthfully. Scared they’d read his words and see the torment within him.
However, with effort he overcame his fear. They’d never see him again, anyways. he’d be long gone before they read them. it didn’t matter now. He reminded himself this as he made his way through town, stopping at houses to leave the letters on their doors.
The first house he stopped at was the hardest. The lights were on, and his heart hurt as he walked towards the door. For a second, he hadn’t even been aware of his movements- not until he found himself right outside the door, his hand up and ready to knock. Ready to ask for help. And he stopped himself. He knew Jude was in that house. He knew he’d answer the door and would let him in. That all he had to do was knock, and there Jude would be with his hands outstretched, ready to hold Reid until he felt safe again.
Blinking twice, Reid refused the tears that threatened to fall. Bending down, he places a note on the floor. His shaking hands holding the note in a tight grip, the paper crumpling under the weight of his terrified fingers. Turning back, he made way to his car. Speeding off to his next location.
Walking up to the shelter, Reid’s mind replayed all of the times he had done this before. All the times he’d go and pick her up, and they’d spend hours together. It was hard to look back at that now, it hurt him to know what he was going to do to her by leaving. It was at this place, where he could no longer stop the tears from falling. He had found something in Odessa that he had never known before. It was as if he had finally seen a missing piece of himself, parts of him in which the girl had given back. A part of him he had actually loved, and he knew that piece of him she had found, would stay here with her once he left.
The distance he walked from his car to the door was blurred in time, and Reid was in his car again before he had known it. To afraid of staying around and letting his mind fall from its plan. In moments, he was leaving, driving towards another house.
Arriving at the next house, Reid paused for a moment. Afraid of getting out of the car, he sat in silence. He wasn’t sure when he had pulled out a cigarette, or the time in which he had lit it. But the smell of smoke brought him back to the moment.
With a heavy heart, Reid pulled himself out of the car. He was nervous here, his skin crawling. His steps were slow, his fingers playing with the locket in his hand. It was his mothers locket, the last thing he had of her. He had the locket since the day she had disappeared, wore it on him throughout his life. It made him fell closer to her.
Once at the door of the house, Reid paused for a moment. The longer the boy was in town, the harder it was becoming to leave. Opening the mailbox, Reid quickly put the letter into it. Hesitating for a moment, he looked at the locket in his palm. “You’ll be safe here, mom.” He whispered, softly. Turning away for Mabels home, he refused to look back.
In his car again, his eyes sought out her house. “Bye, Mab.”
It was this way for a while. Pulling himself away from each house, in a haze, muttering goodbyes under his breath. Leaving parts of himself on someone else’s doorstep. Until he found himself back in the cold car, driving out of town, with no place to come home to.
It had been hours since then.
The sun was rising now, and with it, Reid’s mind was beginning to clear. The fog once shadowing his timid thoughts was disappearing, and in its wake was the boy’s fear. The one true thing he could never outrun.
you said you wouldn’t want to live in a world without me, and it haunted me for days. i’m not the person you cant live without, anymore. not really. i’m someone else. i think i ruined that person, tonight. i keep doing this. i keep ruining the good parts of me. the pieces of me that people care about. i’m leaving tonight, so you don’t have to lose that person you couldn’t live without. that person is still here. with you, and odd. with mabel. with the town. he is here, still. he will be here forever. because of you. because of this town, the good in me will never leave.
thank you for loving me when i could not, judie.
the best part of me, will always be you.
i’m sorry odd. i’m so fucking sorry.
when you read this, i’ll be long gone already. ill be in a new town, once the sun comes up. but know this, odd, i will always be with you. no matter where the world takes you. no matter what happens. i will always be with you.
and if you ever feel alone, or hurt, or scared, read this letter okay? i’m always here.
you were the first person who has ever made me feel safe in this world. and i will never be able to thank you enough for that.
i left last night. and ill probably be hours away when you read this.
that Tuesday at the bakery was the eleven year mark of my mother disappearing. it has been the hardest day of my life for ten years.
this year was hard too, but you were there. i wasn’t alone this time. i had you.
i had you on the worst day of my life, and in hopes of you having me on yours, i left a locket for you.
it is the only part of me that truly matters, and it is yours now.
you said you reached nirvana, but couldn’t remember what it felt like. you asked if i ever felt that way, and a part of me wanted to say yes. dozens of times. but i said nothing. because i didn’t want to admit to you that the only time i’ve felt that was when i was so far gone, i couldn’t feel anything at all. in times when i was so out of my mind, the recollection of anything was out of my reach.
the worst part of that was that i knew thats what you were getting at too.
i think we’re the same, in a sense.
its a pretty thought, honestly.
the prospect of finding out you aren’t really alone, even when you are.
far away, and i’m not coming back.
but i’ll always look for you in nirvana, nettie.
To my newest friend, don’t you worry, i didn’t steal a car on my way out.
i’m leaving town tonight, and i couldn’t do so without saying goodbye.
And leave you a pie, of course.
I left at night, so theres a chance the pie is bad.
if it is, take it to Mrs. Blythe’s, and say it tastes like cement. they’ll probably get you a new one.
Please don’t name the baby Reid. I can’t offer you a year of free pies, now.
ps. tell daniel i said hiiiii
you’re gonna have to set odessa’s moms house on fire alone, daniel.
i ditched town, tonight and wont be much help now.
but, with hope of you succeeding, i’ve left a lighter in your mailbox.
stormborns
dededos
kianamaiart
prguitarman
discoholicmusic
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