moonchild

I always thought that I’m not a bad person. But maybe I am, just too narcissistic to realized all this time. Too focused on myself and my thoughts that I didn’t realized that I’m hurting people around me. Too naive, careless, selfish, and insensitive.

For a long time, I wandered and wondered. When the time would come. How it would be.

For a long time, I hoped and moved from different places. From one to another. From you.

I thought I was not enough. I thought I was forgotten. Apparently, that just how life works. It keeps so many untold truth.

Then there you are. Standing there, wounded and tired. Surprising the world with the long unspoken truth.

Hoping one would understand. Hoping you can set everything right.

It would not be easy. Because time heals all, including the heart. And we are just strangers, once again.

But, I tried. Am still trying. Praying to find that invisible string.

That person doesn’t comeback

Doesn’t even spare a glance

Doesn’t promise anything

That one smile that brightened everything

Vanished as fast as light

Without leaving any shadow

Where did you go to that hurriedly?

"Take some more tea," the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly.

"I've had nothing yet," Alice replied in a offended tone, "so I can't take more."

She is a riddle.

You can never guess what’s going on behind that nonchalant demeanour.

Because hiding behind one’s face is so easy.

Is she hiding her cunningness?

Is she pretends to be seen as cunning?

A bear that pretends to be a fox?

Or it is completely different?

Actually, she doesn’t know that either.

But again, isn’t everyone?

I always like to capture the clouds and the skies.

The beat and the rhythm can’t be heard through drawing or writing,

Sometimes I wish life would be as simple as black and white, where you know right from wrong.

Another day. Same old, same old.

It’s already months after the outbreaking happens here and also more than a month that I’ve been working from home and very rarely go out.

My days become seamless, don’t even remember what day is it today. The 00.00 o’clock seems meaningless nowadays because the next day will be the same as before. Nothing really exciting. Sleeping, waking up, working, eating, sleeping again, repeat.

The bullet journal I’ve been keeping for years now seems to lose its meaning. I rarely write in the journal again because there is nothing to plan about and nothing interesting to write about. All this situation affecting my mood and my mentality.

All those news on the tv and internet also seems to do the same. Nothing is reassuring about it. There is always the same news all over again. The government talking about those same policies all over again but never actually get things done. It’s even tiring to watch.

Same old, same bullsh*t.

In this uncertain situation, I keep thinking why am I being like this? It’s not like I’m being forced to get out like all people that have no choice but to work and go outside.

So, I’m determined to get myself together, grab my bullet journal again, start to write and plan everything that I have in mind.

Let’s pray that this one post can be the start of my productivity in this quarantine. Of course, outside of the office work.

So, I’m back into writing again (hopefully). It’s been a year since my last post, but I still remember clearly what that was about and how I felt when I wrote that. I was lost but still got a little hope and dream back then.

But do I found my way now? Sadly, no, still lost. I feel more lost than before, if that’s even possible. I had wondered between here and there, tried to find a way to reach what I thought I wanted. But along the way, slowly I lost that purpose and goal. I thought I can focus on searching for a way to pursue my dreams while I’m working on other things. But I was wrong. The works consumed me, all of my time and energy. Suddenly I live just for my works.

Then it’s hit me, I lost that willingness and excitement to find my dreams, my goals. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even try to work on my dreams anymore. I always feel like I can do those later but then a year already passed by.

Today, I listened to this one song where they quoted Martha Graham’s. “A dancer dies twice, once when they stop dancing, and this first death is the more painful.”

It’s triggering something in my mind. This, is my first death. Losing my excitement and passion to pursue something that I want. Feeling lost and helpless. All I can feel is this numbness feeling, but it’s also painful. 

So, I might or might not, just let go a big opportunity. Back to square one.

Kinda feel awful because of people’s expectations, judgements and disappointments. But, like one of my friend said, the opportunities will come again and there are other paths to success. Also what’s the point if you’re not happy with your choice?

Maybe there will be a few things that I regrets with this decision. But hey, everything goes. There is no more comforting words other than that, because all of it will pass eventually. The regrets. The guilt. And better yet, there are a bunch of paths and choices ahead that I can choose, happily, with my own consent.

I’m that kind of person that always encourage other to follow their dreams but then, I myself, couldn’t even do that yet. But now I’m trying to. It might be hard and a long journey. But at least I can gain maybe a little happiness in the way. And honestly I still can’t let go the me that I know, the dreams that always floating around my head.

My reality and the dreams might be too far apart but I hope I choose the right way. Life isn’t all about smooth and lucky things anyway. I just hope that I can be a better person.