butImnotawritter

fuera de ser presente del murmullo es mi lago y en el fluyo.

I loved cigarets because I was child And the smell reminded me of my father The scent announced his presence before his feet crossed the door. I liked playing with the ashes, staring at the smoke playing with the shapes and feeding my imagination. Cigarets were used to burn holes into plastic cups at boring adult parties, my dad would make me "cameras" i could play with for hours. I loved cigarets as a teenager cause they were the passport of my pretended adulthood. I loved cigarets cause they pushed my appeal by ten percent. Made me one of the cool kids maybe, maybe rebellious, maybe ahead of childhood. I loved cigarets for their complicity, for the bond with other 15yo renegades. That weren't afraid of the buzz, that weren't smart enough to know you only get one body. I loved cigarets for the experiences, the morning coffees with friends, the important conversations under the smoke. I loved them cause they became reliable, an automatic switch for extreme emotion. I loved them when I was trying to quit and instead used them as an excuse to talk to the girl I liked. I love them for the validation, for looking like you're old enough to decide to fuck up your lungs, your brain, your atmosphere and sell it as maturity. I loved cigarets when I wanted to cry and they gave me an excuse to leave the room. When I didn't have anything to say and they gave me a second to process. When I wanted to be alone and they isolated me. I loved them when I could taste complicity in my father's exhaled smoke, who didn't know I smoked as well. I want a cigaret right now, cause I haven't retrained my body to deal with my feelings differently. Cause I haven't woken up completely to the realization of the stupidity of the concept. I want to be the exception, I want to fool myself into believing they're not affecting my voice, they're not affecting my stamina, they're not leaving souvenirs through my body that I'll hoard into illness. I don't know if cigarets gave my father cancer. They probable gave him also what I thought they gave me, the hangs, the moments, the talks, the pauses. I tell myself I quit and I know I might slip into it tomorrow. And I wonder what it's like for the kids around me, the ones looking for the things I was looking for when I had my first cigaret. I wonder if my niece relates my scent to this, same as I've related it to his. I loved cigarets and my chosen ignorance made it hard to quit. I love cigarets and my chosen ignorance makes it hard to quit.

Soooo, today is being a hard day and I just opened my eyes. I really don't wanna be up, don't wanna have a whole day ahead where I feel like my insides are covered in lead. I just wanna skip the day, but I feel that way too often so I can't always do it. For no good reason my body decided this is how we feel. Depression is a bitch :/

This is month six of sleeping alone. I had been sleeping with someone for 4 years maybe 5 with some months of sleeping alone here and there, but mostly in relationships. Ive had the fortune to fall in love deeply and gladly with beautiful people that thought me a lot about myself, about them, about love and about relationships. I started this year unaccompanied and one of the hardest things to adapt to, was sleeping alone. A few weeks ago i realized tho, that I have been sleeping alone for five months and its my new normal. I take my way-too-many pillows and get comfortable, I sleep with Netflix on my iPad (habit I got into when sleeping alone became a thing) and i melt into the blankets. I still have trouble sleeping almost every night, but now I'm just insomniac because life is a tornado and not cause I forgot how to be with myself. Sooo, I take that as a win. Future self, when you read this, this is month six! Small steps... small steps.

I think i lost almost all faith in my ability to make things happen, my place in the world, my desicion making.. not sure if those things come back or what does one do next.

And I thought maybe they win. Maybe they’ve squatted my mind and my body, maybe if one day they’re not looking I can leave and try to find the sun.